Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Hate In My Heart

I have come to know so many First Moms in my years fighting for Adoption Reform, Adoptee Rights, and even Father’s rights.  Some I consider my greatest friends.  Wonderful allies in this knock-down, painful world of adoption and the fight to change it. 

Then there are those who I often disagree with.  Believe are playing right into the coercion and manipulation the adoption industry seeks.  Pushing and encouraging more vulnerable, pregnant mothers into giving up their babies to make themselves feel better for their own experiences.

And though it’s no secret that I am often frustrated and angry with these First Moms, I also have an understanding, in my heart and mind, of what they have gone through.  I know the counseling they’ve had.  The messages they’ve received from society.  I can understand, on a level, why they do what they do.  Why it’s so important to them to push adoption as some wonderful thing that creates only happiness for everyone involved.
              
But, as I was reminded yesterday, there is yet another group of First Moms.   Those I find myself having no care, concern or understanding for.  Who push me beyond anger into hatred.  Of who they are, what they have done to their children.

It struck me yesterday, just how differently I feel for these particular First Moms. 

Though, for me, it was easy since I’m already in Colorado, so many traveled from all over to support Rob Manzanares in his years long fight for his sweet little girl . . . since before she was ever born.  And in those hours I spent there at the courthouse, from the rally before to the actual hearing, I saw and witnessed so much love and pain mixed together in the faces of not only Rob, but the other fathers fighting for their children who had come to support one of their own.

I saw the bonds they formed from the heartache they shared.   Realized, even more, the hell they live through every day they are denied their own children.  Their flesh and blood.  Theirs sons and daughters who they refuse to give up on, regardless of hard it becomes.
              
And to see how kind and caring Rob is.  To hear in his voice how much he loves his daughter.  To be witness to the pain that is with him every day.  The loss he suffers.  It truly is something that hits you so hard about the horror these fathers are forced to face for no other reason then they are being denied their rights to their children.

It’s something I can’t even imagine how they live through.  How they face the next day.  Keep going with such a terrible loss weighing them down.

But they do it.  And not only do they do it, but they turn around and offer support and love to others who are facing the same struggles.

To see that . . . feel it . . . and then, for the first time, actually be in the physical presence of a First Mom who holds blame for creating such loss and heartache for a father and child, it was an experience I will never forget.

It made me realize, whether right or wrong, just how differently I feel toward First Moms who create such horrors for their children and the fathers fighting for them.  How I can have love, or at least understanding for the majority of moms, regardless of agreements or disagreements.  But also can actually have a hatred in my heart for a select few.  For those who are a continuing part of denying their own child their right to be with their father. 

As I walked by the First Mom in Rob’s case – the very one who used so much deception and lies to deny him the right to keep and raise his daughter – as I looked her in the eye, all I felt was contempt for this woman looking back at me. 

I wanted to confront her.  Tell her she was an insult to so many First Moms.  An embarrassment to even be considered a part of us.  I wanted to smack her.  Shake her until she finally realized the hell she was responsible for.

And I wanted to demand she tell me why . . .

Why did she feel like she had a right to deny Rob and her daughter the chance to be together?

Why did she believe it was okay to use such outrageous deceit to make sure he was left with no choice but to face so many terrible years fighting for his little girl?

And why was she still a part of fighting him?  Still having an active hand in hurting her daughter by doing all she still can to deny her a true and full relationship with her father?

How could any mother be a part of causing such terrible harm to her own child?  How could she continue to cause that harm, year after year?

I’m not naïve.  I’m not blind.   I know how the industry works to deny a father his rights.  I know what they encourage vulnerable, pregnant mothers to do in order to get around those pesky fathers who want to keep and raise their children.

I know the counseling is good and strong.  I’ve been through it.  Was caught under the weight of it for many years.  Fathers are represented as unreliable.  Unfit for their children.  Scare tactics are used so vulnerable, pregnant mothers are left to feel as if they will never be able to count on the father.  Suggestions are made so they view him as the one being selfish for even considering wanting to keep and raise his child.

I do get that.   I also understand how some mothers are left to feel as if they not only have no choice but to give up their baby.  But also have no choice but to fear the father being involved because of the suggested “bad things” that will happen.

But there are those situations where any understanding or care ends.   Situations such as in Rob and his fight for his sweet daughter.  Trent and his battle.  Brandon and his.  And so many, MANY more.

Because when a father is breaking himself, tearing himself apart as the fight continues.  When he makes it clear, over and over again, he wants his child and the only response from the First Mom is “too bad” it takes it to another level all together.

It’s beyond the counseling one might have gotten.  Beyond the fear of the father walking away.   The belief that it was best to give up one’s baby.

It’s seeing the pain, the heartache you are causing (whether through coercion or not) and not giving one damn about it.  It’s being a part of continuing the fight rather than joining it for your own child.  It’s the horrible loss you are refusing to see or acknowledge you are causing your own child who has a father fighting for her.  Wanting nothing more than to raise and love her.  A right every child has!

It’s sitting in a courtroom in downtown Denver, hearing the judges acknowledge the fraud you committed to steal a daughter from her fit and loving father and still fighting to justify the hell you created.  It’s about refusing to help your own child but instead continuing to do all you can to deny her of so much.

How can any mother be a witness to how hard a father is fighting for his child, look into the eyes of their own child, and still continue to fight against it?

How can these mothers, any one of them, justify what they are a part of?  How will they later explain it to their children that they were a part of them being kept from their own fathers who were fighting so hard for them.


How will they ever be able to look in the eyes of their own son or daughter and say, “I denied you the right to be with your father.  I fought for years to keep you apart because I believed I had more say and decided you should suffer the loss adoption brings rather than being spared such a loss by being raised and loved by your own flesh and blood?”

How will they ever be able to make it right after all they have done?




19 comments:

  1. Oh Cassi, I have felt this same hatred in my heart. First when the "Baby Grayson" battle was being so hard fought-then with Dusten Brown and his daughter Veronica. I will never ever understand these women. How can you deny their fathers? How can you care so little for the man who made the child possible? I wish Rob and Kaia godspeed on their journey and send all my love and light to the others fighting just as hard.

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    1. Yes Mary! Through Grayson and Wyatt, and some of the earlier ones, I think I was desperately trying to still have some understanding for these moms. But then came more and more cases . . . especially Veronica's, and Rob's . . . and, yeah, there just is no fight to even try and understand anymore. The pain they are causing deserves no excuse!

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  2. I have to admit, as much as I hate the acronym, I had a good laugh when I was watching the Court of Appeals hearing and the adopters' attorney referred to her as a 'BM.' They probably don't get that they are perpetuating the subconscious slur that we mothers have been dealing with for decades. And now in the official record of the CO COA, there it is: The woman is a bowel movement!

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    1. Yes! That is the one and only time the disgusting "BM" actually fit!!!!

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    1. I can understand the fear they have shoved at them to a point. I know how the adoption industry paints the fathers. But there is the line where the care and concern goes to the child and the father fighting after so much hell!

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    2. Cassi, and everyone: I just re read my comment and realize that I made it sound like I was trying to deter her from letting the father of her first daughter raise that daughter. So I am deleting it. He wanted to raise their daughter with his mother, but my daughter was totally opposed to it. I could not deter her, or even steer her toward an open adoption, which were pretty new in 1981, but possible. It was heart-breaking on my end to watch her go through this but it felt as if she were on a collision course to that end.

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  4. I, too agree and share these feelings, but...two buts.

    1. Your first two paragraphs had me really wondering where you were going. It seemed as if you were saying there were mothers IN THE MOVEMENT for adoptee rights and reform that you hated. the mothers you hate are NOT reformists in any way, shape or form!

    2. While I hate what they are doing to their children, I DO have a modicum of understanding having worked with a couple of mothers in contested adoptions where the baby's father was being a real PRICK!

    There are several reasons mothers do this. One reason is hate of their ex. people do hurtful to their kids in divorce, too...use the kids as pawns to hurt the other parent. It's cruel and mean.

    Some claim...and some may actually have been abused by the baby's father and believe they are protecting the child from an abuser. I know MANY MANY first mothers who refused to let their mother keep their child. Isn't it the same thing? They preferred to see the child go to strangers than stay in the family because they hated their own mothers or didn't like the way they were raised.

    And... one of the tactics used by the industry is divide and conquer. They create and play on any wedge they can. They are like divorce attorneys who exacerbate differences and fuel disagreements. Take the case of Kimberly Rossler (Adoption Rocks, AL). the father of her baby is an abusive prick who wanted the baby aborted. Adoption was second best but he wanted to make sure the adoption went through to keep him from paying child support. When Kimberly changed her mind the single PAM and her attorney teamed up with the father to snatch the baby and ensure he was adopted.

    The industry is ruthless and relentless! They will stop at nothing. They don't care how many people's lives they destroy. All they care about is getting their hands on the product, the commodity ...their pay check!

    So, while i feel your anger and could not look any mother - OR FATHER - in the eye who fought the other parent from maintaining a loving relationship with their child.... I do understand to some extent in some cases why. Many of these mothers and fathers we are so angry with are truly victims. They were USED by the industry to secure the prize. twisted and turned into tools.

    BOTTOM line we need to always focus our major anger at the industry! It takes many, many victims. The industry got far more than my child, they got pieces of me and my life; and hurt many others - my subsequent children were collateral damage, victimized when i was pressured to relinquish. All of my future relationships, too. They all got less of me as a result.

    Focus the hate and the anger on the industry that destroys.

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  5. Agreeing with Mirah here, hating individual mothers involved in custody battles and contested surrenders and preferring that their child not be raised by the biological father is futile and self-destructive. Reserve that hatred for the industry that profits from tragedy and personal discord, not the mothers and fathers whose real stories and details you do not know. Neither side in a surrender or custody battle is automatically right and righteous, and there is often much more going on than meets the eye. Hate the lawyers and adoption entrepreneurs who fan the flames of anger and fear for profit, not all the mothers who feel surrender is their own best option, some because they have been manipulated by the industry to feel that way.

    Let's be honest, first mothers. At the time we surrendered, how many of us would have willingly handed our child over to the father and his mother or girlfriend or wife to raise? In most cases that would have left us as much out of the child's life as stranger adoption. How many in-family adoptions do you know of that were shrouded in secrecy and hatred and fear of the other parent, just as much as adoptions by strangers? I have seen quite a few. Look at brutal divorce custody cases. Being raised by a family member is not always a panacea for the problems of adoption.

    As Mirah pointed out, many of us would not have wanted the child raised by our parents because we felt they did not do such a good job with us. That may have been a mistaken view by an angry young woman, but in some cases where there had been abuse, it was justified.

    I can see where some women who felt they could not raise the child would prefer someone other than the father raise her. For some, yes, this is purely vindictive, but others have serious concerns. Sometimes it is not the best thing to be raised by biological relatives, sometimes it is, but it takes the wisdom of Solomon to decide.

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    1. Maryanne, take your left wing insanity and shove it. All you liberal loonies and your don't "hate" anyone crap. Get help lady, you are so delusional and a pain in the ass. Hate is a NORMAL feeling to have so just shut-up.

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  6. Cassi - you say the "But there is the line where the care and concern goes to the child." But if some of these mother really think he's son-of-a-bitch in their twisted heads they are doing what is best for their child by keeping the child away from the father. Misguided anger turned to vengeance in some cases.

    Why do mother willingly give their babies to single mothers? That's another one i don't get. But mother in distress make a lot of bad decisions. i sure as hell know i did!

    Don't get me wrong. i am not condoning fighting a father (or mother) who is capable and willing...I am just saying I understand it and save MY anger for the human trading baby brokers. Women at their most vulnerable are prime candidates for brainwashing of every kind. The nation was quick to blame patty hearts for turning into a bank robber for terrorists because we didn't understand Stockholm Syndrome. We have yet to define the state of confusion for a pregnant or new mother having her being convinced to do everything that is 180 degrees opposed to what her instincts are telling her. It is hard to fight when EVERYONE who is supposed to "experts" and know better are tellign you what is best for you child and that this is what you'd do if you really loved your child. You trust them. It's major manipulation.

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  7. How do ya'll feel about mothers who refuse to met their adult child? Or, recognize their child - won't even admit they are their mother?

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    1. Yes, do you hate them?

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    2. I feel very, very sad for them (and just as sad for the adoptees). My mom's mom refused to meet her, and now that I now more of the complete story (from my mom's sisters, who grew up with their mom and didn't know my mom until they were all adults in their 50s or 60s), I can see how she (my mom's mom) was just broken and lost. She passed away a few months before my mom, having never found healing in her life. After my mom's sister read the letter my mom first sent to her mother, one in which my mom took great pains to say what a happy life she had, seeking to reassure, she said, "I can see how this letter would have made my mom feel like she could never respond, she would have just been so embarrassed about her own life. It would have made her feel like more of a failure." It is such a shame, because my mom had only love and compassion in her heart for this woman who gave her life. She only wanted to say thank you, and perhaps to know her and know her story. There was no judgment.

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  9. As much as I LOATHE some of the things people do, I refuse to hate them. (especially my son's adopters and the way they have treated me over the years and even here recently in his death) Hate the things they do, and not them. Yes, that is a VERY DIFFICULT thing to say much less do but to hate them drags you down into the gutter with them. I refuse to go there. I've given them enough and refuse to give them(or anyone else for that matter) anything more.

    "Let no man pull you so low as to hate him.”


    ― Martin Luther King Jr., A Knock at Midnight: Inspiration from the Great Sermons of Reverend Martin Luther King, Jr.

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  10. I think these women don't see the father of their child as a father and they are so insane to give up their own child, they don't see themselves as a mother. What is going on is that THEY hate their former boyfriend and that is what this is about. It is an ex bf/gf thing and some women are so evil and vengeful they will use their own child as a tool to hurt and have control over the guy. Women like this are seriously mentally ill.

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  11. I don't understand it either. Even the reasons given above make no sense to me. I made sure my sons dad was contacted and offered custody. He didn't want him.

    Even now, I have a 5 month old baby. His father abused my older son. I have a protective order against him. He has no visitation rights. But I have reached out to friends and offered for them to supervise and let him$ our baby. He only took me up on one visit. I am going back to court to amend the protective order to allow for supervised visitation until he completes a batterers intervention program. I have every reason to hate him. He didn't support me through the pregnancy. He's not offered anything since the separation for our son. He is self centered and refuses to take classes to better himself. He has accused me if cheating and claims the baby isn't his. And much more.... But he is the father. And my son has a right to know him. Even if he never sees him again, I have all the proof I need to give my son that I did my best to get his dad involved.

    These women should be prosecuted. For interference with child custody. Fraud. And anything else that can be proven.

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  12. I don't understand it either. Even the reasons given above make no sense to me. I made sure my sons dad was contacted and offered custody. He didn't want him.

    Even now, I have a 5 month old baby. His father abused my older son. I have a protective order against him. He has no visitation rights. But I have reached out to friends and offered for them to supervise and let him$ our baby. He only took me up on one visit. I am going back to court to amend the protective order to allow for supervised visitation until he completes a batterers intervention program. I have every reason to hate him. He didn't support me through the pregnancy. He's not offered anything since the separation for our son. He is self centered and refuses to take classes to better himself. He has accused me if cheating and claims the baby isn't his. And much more.... But he is the father. And my son has a right to know him. Even if he never sees him again, I have all the proof I need to give my son that I did my best to get his dad involved.

    These women should be prosecuted. For interference with child custody. Fraud. And anything else that can be proven.

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