Wednesday, June 18, 2014

A Grandmother's Worry

I’m going to be a grandmother again.

This time through my middle son and his wonderful, long-time girlfriend.

It’s been almost three years now since I first became a grandmother and it’s hard to even find the words to describe what it’s like.  I love every minute of it.  I can’t get enough of watching her grow, become her own person with her own unique personality, while still seeing, recognizing, how much she is like her father, my youngest son, and her mother, my amazing daughter-in-law.

And as I enjoy the miracle of being a grandmother.  The joy of expecting another wonderful little one into our family, there is, again, that constant knowledge that there are those out there who are so desperate for a baby, so certain they are worthy of one, that they wouldn’t think twice, if the chance presented them, to claim my own grandchild as their own.

Especially this time around since my middle son isn’t married.  Since so many accept a disgusting, warped view that if a father isn’t married to the woman carrying his child he, somehow, doesn’t deserve the right to keep and raise his own flesh and blood.

To many, it doesn’t matter that my son is an amazing man.  That he has, from the moment he learned of the pregnancy, been excited about having a child.  That he’s supporting her in every way.

Because, the sad fact is, what adoption has done to our society, already taints and labels my son.  Already sets him up to be unworthy of his child, no matter his feelings or actions. 

And worst of all, it places my grandchild, a part of me, part of my own child, at risk, with very little protections from being unnecessarily separated from their own family who loves and wants them.

As a mother of three sons and one daughter, it is absolutely terrifying to know that I can make sure my daughter is protected from the horrible coercion and manipulation of the adoption industry but feel entirely helpless when it comes to my own sons and their children.

I have no doubt, if anybody ever tried suggesting to my daughter that she isn’t good enough for her own child, that she could only prove her love by giving her own son or daughter up for adoption, they’d . . . rightfully . . . earn a good, angry punch.

But my sons . . . I can do all I possibly can to protect them.  I can make sure they aren’t naïve to the lies and deception of the adoption industry.  That they know and understand the importance of recording every single little thing they do to prove they are supporting and wanting of their own child.

And yet, there is always that knowledge that it still isn’t enough to guarantee they will never lose a child to the multi-billion dollar adoption industry.  To a couple so desperate for a child they have no problem taking one from a father, a family, that loves and wants them.

I absolutely love and adore my middle son’s girlfriend, the mother to my second grandchild.  But I also know the coercive message that the adoption industry has flooded into our society.  I know how self-doubt and insecurities can be preyed upon.  How outside influences can go far in taking a mother and twisting her around until she believes she is unworthy of her own child and can only prove her love by giving her own flesh and blood away to someone more deserving.

And worst of all, I know that no matter what my son does now during the pregnancy, if the worst were to happen and my grandchild was given up for adoption, it would fall on his shoulders to fight for his own child.  It wouldn’t matter if he did everything right.  That it was his own son or daughter.  His own flesh and blood that he wanted and loved from the start.

All it would take is one instant in time for his child, my grandchild, to be placed in the arms of a couple desperate enough to believe they have more of a right to his son or daughter than he has, for it to become the same old, disgusting assault against fathers and biological families.

The same attacks.  The same desperate fight to discredit a father wanting and loving his own child just to satisfy the selfish desires of strangers.  Nobody would care about the lies.  The deception that took place to rip my grandchild from the arms of his father.

Instead they would have no problem crucifying my son, our entire family, because we dared to want a part of us.

And they would be supported in doing so.  Encouraged to lie and deceive as long as it gained some desperate couple the child they desired.

It angers me and frightens me in so many ways.  And it creates a deeper hate for the darker truths of adoption, and those that blindly support it, than I’ve ever known.

Because when you know and accept that you can’t change what happened to you personally.  When you choose to use your voice, your experience, to try and protect the vulnerable mothers and their unborn children that come after you, there is a realization that you can’t save them all.  That the power and greed of the adoption industry is a beast to fight against and the best you can hope for is to reach even just one.  To spare that one mother and her child from the hell of a lifetime of grief and loss.

But to have gone through the coercion and manipulation of the adoption industry.  To see, every day, the pain it has caused your family and yet feel helpless to make sure adoption is never again allowed to harm those you love, changes it all. 

And I’m struggling now to even explain it to where it makes sense . . .

For many years I have fought for family preservation.  Believed I could speak up and do what I could to protect vulnerable pregnant mothers from the coercion and manipulation of the multi-billion dollar adoption industry.  Children from being unnecessarily separated from their families.  Adoptees given their equal rights that the rest of us take for granted.

In that fight there have been so many times when I’ve felt liked I’ve been pierced right through the heart by some of the cold, self-entitled ways of others.    That my belief in the basic good of society has been tested.  My hold on my religion destroyed to where I haven’t stepped foot inside a church since 2006.

There have been times I have sat in my office and just cried uncontrollably.  Others when I have cursed and ranted and raved with so much anger and frustration.  And other times when I’ve simply had to walk away for a time because it was just too much.

And yet none of those experiences, emotions, situations, compares to what it is like now.  To the anger and fear that comes from knowing the very real risks adoption presents in tearing apart my family and seeing, over and over again, those so desperate for a child or the need to justify their own adoption, they support and encourage the very actions that could again bring the terrible loss of adoption to those I love the most.

As a mother, grandmother, I need to protect my family.  Keep them together.  Keep them strong.


But, after years in the fight for family preservation and adoption reform, I have seen, all too clearly, the reality of how many are actually out there fighting against that.  Believing in the unnecessary separation of a child from his or her own family.  Using whatever excuse they can to justify such actions as long as it gives them the child they deserve.

I not only know those risks exist, I also have had to come to the terrible reality that I’m unable to fully protect my family from them.  That so many actually blindly support an industry, a business in so many ways, that has no problem bringing those risks to reality for my family.  That there are actually those out there, so desperate for a child of their own, that they won’t give a damn about the damage, pain and loss they would cause my grandchild, my son, my entire family.

And that is a hell I so wish I didn’t know was a reality for so many.  A reality I can never truly protect my own children, grandchildren from.

It changes everything. 

Every time I see those sappy, sweet posts about how loving it is to give up a child for adoption.  Hear a desperate couple claim how they wish more mothers would realize how wonderful adoption is and give up their own children, it’s a constant reminder that there are those who would take advantage of my son, his girlfriend and my unborn grandchild simply to satisfy their own desires.

When I hear the attacks and insults against fathers.  Witness how businesses such as the PR firm Trio Solutions can use their anti-biological family/anti-father/anti-ICWA beliefs to create a mob like mentality of hatred against those fighting so they don’t lose their own family to adoption, I’m again slapped with the hard fact that no matter how hard I fight.  How much I speak out.  I will never fully be able to guarantee that my family never again suffers through the horrible loss of adoption.

And that knowledge, that realization, is almost more than I can handle.

Because there is nobody, absolutely nobody, who is better, more worthy, or more deserving of my own flesh and blood.  There is not a single person in this world that exists that would justify putting my own grandchild through the terrible loss of their own family just so they can have their own desires satisfied.  Rip from my children their own child for another’s gain.

To know, to see, over and over and over again, so many who believe otherwise.  Who have no problem in tearing innocent children away from their families.  Support, encourage, such actions, no matter the coercion or deception involved, creates an anger unlike anything I’ve known in all these years I’ve been a part of the fight for family preservation, adoption reform.

And the more I see the continued distorted message of adoption pushed into our society.  The biased views of who is worthy or not worthy of a child.  The blind support of destroying natural families so an adoptive family can be built, the more I want to scream and rage at how wrong it is.

Those like Trio Solutions.  Those like the families who have gone so far, fought so hard, to unnecessarily separate a child from his or her own family so that they can have their own wants satisfied, bring about a new evil that no family should have to face.

And yet it’s there.  And it doesn’t matter how hard we fight.  How we use our voices.  Our children/grandchildren can still be taken from us, forever separated from their family.  All so others can gain and profit while we lose in the absolute worst of ways.

That is the dark truth of so much of what adoption has become.  It is a profit driven industry based on making the paying clients happy while doing all that can be done to do away with any pesky family members who might actually dare to believe their own child/grandchild deserves to remain within his or her own family.

I have no patience, no understanding, for anyone who supports such practices.  I don’t care the excuses they use.  The desperate justifications they come to in hopes of somehow making it okay to rip a child away from the family that loves and wants them.

Nobody, absolutely nobody, is so important that they have the right to be part of destroying a family for their own selfish desires.  If a child is wanted and loved by their family then that child IS NOT yours and does not belong with you.


That is just plain, simple, honest truth.

15 comments:

  1. Matt and Melanie Capobianco need to read this and follow your advice.

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  2. From everything you have written it would seem your son and his girlfriend are anything but vulnerable. You have given them the necessary shield of knowledge and now must trust they are capable of keeping the child they are expecting from any type of preventable harm. Harm, being adoption as you put it; it seems to me that if they are ready and capable to raise a child then they are ready and capable to face attacks from adoption agencies. Are you suggesting adoption agencies will actually seek them out; somehow knowing of their unwed status? Solicit them even without either one calling or seeking their services?

    I agree that your sons lack certain rights if they are not married to the women expecting their children. But that was their choice too. For that matter, this young woman could also decide to abort this baby and that too would be her choice. You son(s) would again have no say in the matter.

    Is this girlfriend in a vulnerable situation with her home life? Is adoption something that has been discussed? If not, trust that they willingly entered this together and will see this through.

    Honestly with the explosion of (unwed) mothers giving birth and raising their children quite successfully, I don't think adoption hawks are that likely to be a presence UNLESS she seeks them out. And she (they ) have you: an advocate for family preservation - a defender on their side. That's a big plus.

    Enjoy this next grandchild to come and celebrate in the knowledge that their situation is not as fragile as you might believe. I am a single mother and at no time was approached, solicited to or encouraged to give my child up for adoption. Of course I also never sought out an agency or entertained the notion. I am in a support group of over 100 mothers just like myself; self sufficient, self supporting and single parenting - to my knowledge none of those women were ever sought out by an adoption agency and many of us received significant initial state support in order to keep our families together. THOSE agencies I DID seek out for the short time I needed them.

    Just offering another perspective - respectfully. And congratulations. :)


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  3. I'd be urging him to follow the state rules and if a putative father's registry exists to do that too...to many have been blindsided to just have faith and trust - even the best relationships can fail.

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  4. TrulyWonderfulPeepJune 22, 2014 at 6:27 AM

    Any unmarried father is at risk in our puritanical society, it seems. Adopters count on weaseling their way in when a family and young vulnerable is at her most vulnerable. Watch your son, his girlfriend and YOUR grandchild like a hawk, Cassie, lest the adoption machine comes to snatch one of them away.

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  5. Must be nice to have a nice little perfect family that you'll grow old with when there are so many that will die lonely in old age with no families.

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