Tuesday, May 13, 2014

I Love Being A Fertile Woman

For over a decade now, my wonderful husband and I – and sometimes our wonderful kids – make a yearly visit to New Orleans.  The only year we missed was the year of Katrina.  But we were back the very next year, loving our favorite place even during its struggle to come back to life after such horror and heart ache.

This year, our trip isn’t planned till October.  And after coming across a post on the I Love Adoption / Adoption.com Facebook page, I am so thankful we planned for later this year.

Apparently, the American Academy of Adoption Attorneys held their conference just a week or so ago in my beloved New Orleans.  Just knowing that, I would have been fine if our yearly trip had coincided with their conference.  I have, after all, become very good at knowing who and what to avoid.  And New Orleans, the French Quarter, is a busy place, with lots going on, so I could have easily enjoyed myself without much thought to what else was happening within the city I loved so much.

But, the post I came across, proudly boasted how those in attendance of the conference were roaming the streets in the French Quarter wearing their “I Love Adoption” t-shirts for all to see.

Yeah . . . that would have done it.  To be away, in my favorite place, relaxing with my wonderful husband, and seeing those shirts, over and over again, within the French Quarter, would have taken one of my favorite getaways and turned it into pure hell.  As I told my husband, at that point, I likely would have hidden away in our hotel room with my favorite Po-Boys and Hurricanes, never daring to venture out again.

And, yeah, I know, there is this whole large group of individuals who do love adoption and can’t, for the life of them, understand how simply wearing such t-shirts could affect me, or anyone, for that matter. 

I mean, really, adoption is wonderful, isn’t it.  Just look at how many infertile couples were given the chance at a family because of it.

How could anyone even suggest that seeing such shirts would have any kind of negative affect on them?  Hurt them in any way?

And, really, why should they care anyhow, if wearing such shirts causes any kind of pain for anyone.  For them, they love adoption and should have every right to let the world know that they do and just how wonderfully they have benefited because of it.

But, I can’t help but wonder, these same people who would wear such shirts without even thinking a second about the affect it would have on the many who have suffered such a terrible loss because of adoption, how would they feel if a large group went out and about wearing shirts with our own proud statement . . .

“I Love Being A Fertile Woman.”

I mean, after all, fertility has been absolutely wonderful to me, and so many others.  It has provided me with four, amazing children.  Given me an incredible family that I am so proud of and know I wouldn’t have if it weren’t for the fact that I was able to conceive, be pregnant with and give birth to three terrific sons and one loving daughter.  All my own.  All a part of me in every way.

So why should I care or have any kind of concern if others have suffered any kind of pain because of their struggles with fertility.  Why should I be aware that to flagrantly boast about how wonderful fertility has been to me and my family without giving a thought to those who have been hurt by it, can cause so much pain and grief that I can never possibly understand within my own experience.

It’s not my concern.  It’s not my fault if there are a bunch of angry, bitter women out there who had bad experiences and just want to make everyone miserable for what they went through.   Who can’t just understand and get over their little problems so that I can brag as much as I want about how wonderful it is to be fertile and give birth to my own children.

I mean . . . really.  I, and every other fertile woman, has every right to flaunt and boast about how wonderful fertility is.  And how much our lives have been blessed because of it.  Why should any of us give a damn about how our actions might further hurt those who are already struggling.

And if I wanted to go around wearing an “I Love Being A Fertile Woman” shirt, I should be respected and applauded for doing so.  I should not have to worry about or even be concerned about how my “simple” shirt, stating my own personal happiness, could hurt anyone else.

I mean, really . . . they can just get over it!

It is, isn’t it, self-entitlement at its best . . .

I gained, I profited, so I have every right to boast and carry on about it.  Why should I have to be concerned about how my actions might affect those who have been hurt by the very same action.  That’s not fair.  It’s not right . . .

Damnit!  I love adoption and I shouldn't have to care about the feelings of anyone else.

And you know, there are very few realities, outside adoption, where such a selfish sentiment is not only accepted but encouraged.

If I were to actually wear such a shirt, boast and brag about how wonderful fertility was and how much I had gained from it, while quickly shoving aside and dismissing the feelings of those who had spent so much time struggling with fertility and had suffered terrible loss because of it, I would definitely have a backlash to face.

I’d be labeled insensitive, uncaring.  I would face a lot of opposition.  An army of angry voices letting me know to flaunt such a thing that has caused so many others such terrible harm is wrong . . . cruel.

Ahhh . . . but when it comes to adoption, there’s no thought of that.   Go out, wear those t-shirts, create that pain for those who have lost.  Who really cares.  Who gives a damn.

Adoption gave you a family.  Adoption fulfilled your desires.  Celebrate it.  Flaunt it.  Brag about it.

I mean, really . . . what harm can it do?

Except remind so many, reopen so many wounds, of those who have suffered such terrible losses because of adoption.  Who see such shirts and feel sick to their stomach.   Experience that sharp pain, that grief, that only a select few can ever understand.  Reminding them, in such a horrid way, that others are out there, celebrating, boasting about how much they gained at the terrible loss of others.

I understand, completely, loving our children and forever being thankful for them coming into our lives.

But I don’t get, and I will never understand, how so many . . . who have already suffered the terrible grief of infertility . . . can so boldly, without a damn care, believe they have some magical right.  Some special justification that insures that they can shove how much they love adoption in everyone’s face without ever having to be bothered about caring how such actions hurts so many others who are suffering their own terrible grief as well.

As much as I brought up the suggestion of the “I Love Being A Fertile Woman” shirts, I would never wear such a thing, never think to say such a thing with the awareness of how much pain it could possibly cause those who have suffered through infertility.  Who have lived through that grief and know a pain unlike what I know because I have never experienced it.

And part of my understanding such a loss is my own experience with living through the hell that was my own loss I experienced through giving my oldest son up for adoption.  No, I don’t know what it’s like to struggle with infertility.  But I sure as hell understand that there are some losses that affect us, hurt us, on a level deeper than anyone can imagine.

But I will never understand . . . will never be able to come to terms with . . . how so many who have suffered the terrible loss of infertility really just don’t give a damn about the losses caused through adoption.  How some can be so accepting of being a part of causing those very losses in so many situations.

I don’t care if you are fertile or infertile. I don’t care if society views you as better than or less than.  Pain and loss is pain and loss.  And nobody, ABSOLUTELY NOBODY, has the right to so callously flaunt their gain without giving a damn to how such a gain has caused so many others such a terrible loss.

Especially those who have already survived through their own personal loss.  How do you dare?  How do you find the right to so blatantly, so heartlessly, carry on about your gain while not giving a damn about the loss of others.

How do you go through such hell and come out so self-entitled that you see nothing wrong with your absolute ignorance and dismissal to another’s terrible loss?

How do you live with that?

How do you justify it?


  1. So, is this why Louisiana is all of a sudden trying to seal adoption records permanently?

  2. Or t-shirts and bumper stickers that read "I love conceiving" or "I love giving birth" or better yet! "I love conceiving AND giving birth" lol We'd be looked at the most insensitive people on the planet.

  3. I have wondered the same thing a million times. My child's infertile adopter is possibly the worst of the worst, second only to Susan Burns from my experience. I believe the answer is simple: "I'm better than you. How dare a piece of trash like you be fertile!" I hope her seething jealousy causes her an early death. She belongs in hell. They both do. Neither one of them has an ounce of compassion for anyone but themselves.

  4. TrulyWonderfulPeepMay 14, 2014 at 5:04 AM

    "It’s not my fault if there are a bunch of angry, bitter women out there who had bad experiences and just want to make everyone miserable for what they went through."

    I have come to the conclusion that infertile women feel justified in rubbing salt into the wounds of natural mothers. By gawd, they have every right because look what those poor souls had to go through to be called "mommy!"

    They DESERVE these children and their natural mothers deserve to be in pain now. All they want to do is transfer the pain of their infertility onto the natural mothers of the children they covet.

    The fact that this blog posting is set in Louisiana hits home for me. My son's adopter mother is from Cajun country. I can't even drive through that state without feeling sick. I avoid it all all costs these days.

    Myself and my family are certainly no trash- but her and her hypocrite fundie family have proven they are in their despicable treatment of me after I chose and trusted that witch, only to be conned out of my child via her lies and false promises.

  5. Abused adoptee here who knows all about infertile bitches taking their crap out on other people (including the poor kids they adopt). I LOVE that T-shirt, I want one and would wear it proudly around say an infertility clinic or adoption agency! I mean, seriously, fuck them, they don't see how much they hurt adoptees either so the hell with their self-centered feelings. Karma is sweet!

    1. Yeah because all people who are infertile adopt.

  6. And P.S. I hate my (infertile) adoptive mother so much, I'd send her one too! LMAO.

  7. To answer your question about why they do it, it's because they for whatever reason can't empathize. They don't intentionally try to hurt you but they are unable to look at from your perspective. They are just closed minded people who believe an objection to their love for adoption is an attack on them personally which it isn't.

    I wish both sides those who have wounds from adoption and those who have wounds from infertility could be more respectful of each other's pain as you appear to be. Unfortunately I think it's human nature to have a personal trauma make us fearful of things that are different.

    1. And they are narcissistic. They're used to getting whatever they want, and when they want it - NOW! I'm not sure they aren't so "unintentionally-driven". Many are calculating, capable, and "concerned" and catering when it will get them what they want. Once they've gotten what they want, they will fight tooth and nail to insulate themselves and stay closed-minded. Many are respectful about another's infertility (a naturally-occurring condition), but that doesn't justify taking away a child and separating a family to shop away one's infertile blues (a synthetic, human-made, preventable, voluntary action).

    2. "Infertile Blues" in medical terms is called depression and sometimes a deep depression that leads to suicide.

  8. I have no comprehensible words except: I totally agree with everything said- in the article and in the replies from Mothers living on without their children.Give me a shirt so I can stand amongst the giggling insensitive,a proud braggert with more strength than most Mothers I've ever known.Give me a shirt that says, "I offered my heart and all I got was this lousy t-shirt!".Give me a microphone so I can scream at the hypocrites.Give me words.Something.Anything.

  9. Cassi, yet again you teach me something. I've never worn a shirt such as that, but I don't know that I would have refused to do so until now. Thanks for offering your perspective. You've changed my thinking completely - I won't don one. Ever.

  10. They feel entitled to wear those tshirts regardless of others' feelings because they are simply "innocent" victims of biology, while birth parents went out and "got themselves" into their situations.

    1. "Innocent victims" my arse...

    2. Lol. Innocence. Yeah, not what I have in mind for most adopters around. So women whose children are stolen from them after they are raped are asking for it? Right. I can see you live with a warped perspective. Not innocent. Entitled, selfish, lacking in empathy yes. Innocent? Not so much.

  11. @ Anon (reply)
    That is so true. How many of them had abortions in high school or college and will never admit it. GYN's will tell you abortion will interfere with carrying to term later on, ie: it causes miscarriages. Another thing they deny is the FACT that infertility is a punishment from God. It says this in the Torah. Christians however have this written out of the Old Testament. They do this in part I bet because they want to concentrate on the "sin" of fornication and punish unwed mothers and bastards and ignore that they should be looked down by society as being punished by God and should not get to raise any children. The whole system as we all know is construed to their benefit including controlling the word of God (that they then profess gives them a right to other people's (sinners) kids). Makes me want to barf.

    1. This kind of comment terrifies me as it demonstrates a horrendous level of ignorance. Saying that it is a fact that infertility is a punishment from God is like saying that psoriasis is a punishment from God. It is a medical condition with varying causes and duration. I am fertile, currently pregnant and not religious- this sort of rhetoric is at the root of most of the worlds problems. Surely religion should be a source of universal compassion and understanding, not a stick to beat people with. To make someone feel that their inability to have a child naturally is somehow divine retribution for some past life sin is just disgraceful. Equally disgraceful are those who look down on people who give up their children for adoption, for whatever the reason.Your argument has NO LOGIC- what about someone who gets raped, catches chlamydia from their rapist and is rendered infertile as a result- whose 'sin' is that may I ask? Or a tiny baby girl who is born without a womb because her birth mother took drugs doing pregnancy- is that babies life long infertility 'her' punishment??? Or the mothers? The saddest and scariest thing about all this is how it separates and divides, fostering a lack of understanding and hatred. There will always be terrible birth mothers and terrible adoptive mothers- equally there will be amazing mums and dads on both 'sides'. We are all human, we all make mistakes and we all try and do the best we can for the most part. Your suggestion that people who suffer with the disease of infertility have somehow engineered 'the system' (??) to their benefit makes you sound ignorant and paranoid and is frankly laughable. The worst thing is I'm sure I could go on some infertility support pages and be equally as depressed by the sentiments expressed on there. I'm English and I really hope that people like you are the exception not the rule in the USA which is one of the powers in the Western World. Tragic.

  12. I've been hurt by the flaunting of adoption. But luckily, not by my daughter's a-parents. They have always been kind and sensitive, whether I wanted pictures, or needed to pull away. They are not all horrible people. Many are just ignorant to the pain they are benefiting from. It is the "system" of agencies and lawyers, orphanages and churches, who in order to profit from adoption, hide us so those paying will forget our humanity.

  13. "Who can’t just understand and get over their little problems so that I can brag as much as I want about how wonderful it is to be fertile and give birth to my own children."

    You much not be on facebook.

  14. Excellent post. I too marvel at the insensitivity. Adopters are taught or choose to believe adoption is win-win-win. And that they are the engine of this win because they have made life better for the adopted. When I found my son, my own sister said - I don't know how I feel about this because there was a time when I thought I might have needed to adopt.

  15. I'm amazed. Lazy, reckless, or selfish people give up there kids and we're suppose to feel sorry for them. (SIGH) I think not.

  16. I would totally wear an "I hate adoption" shirt!

  17. I cannot even fathom wearing a tshirt like that. It doesn't even make sense. I'm an adoptive mom, although not infertile, and I would be offended by a shirt like that (nor would I wear one proclaiming my love for fertility... that doesn't make sense to me, either).

    I do not love adoption. Absolutely not. I will always hurt for my daughter that she and her parents were separated, and the idea of proudly proclaiming that I "love" that tragedy is quite sickening to me. I love my daughter (but neither would I wear a shirt proclaiming that), but no, absolutely I do not love the institution or the circumstances that brought her to us. I deeply appreciate the pain they caused her at the time (separation from her mother) and any pain they might cause her in the future. I will never celebrate or find anything to love in that.

  18. I'm very fertile plus I'm an adoptive mom. Do I get both shirts?��

  19. I think the shirt may be worn to support the many many children who are waiting to be adopted. Such hate ...it's not always about you

  20. What a horrible 'them and us' article, and following comments. Quotes such as 'infertile bitches', 'they can't empathise' and 'they lack compassion' to mention but a few. The worst thing is I'm sure I could find similar sentiments on infertility support sites. It just seems there is a complete lack of understanding and compassion on both sides. I'm 7 months pregnant with my first baby and reading this article and the comments following it has frankly depressed me. Polarising the debate like this and encouraging people to be 'for' and 'against' infertile people, adopters, fertile people, advocates of adoption....it's ridiculous and just breeds hate. Why don't people understand that all this anger and vitriol just comes from feeling the need to defend oneself from perceived judgement from other 'groups'. People need to be intelligent enough not to generate sweeping and generalised opinions from specific individual experience. The majority of people out there don't worry about what 'side' they are on, or what t-shirt they are wearing- they just wish to be the best parents they can be, however their family came about, and living with whatever mistakes/baggage/difficult choices they may happen to have made. Shouldn't we as parents be supporting each other rather than trying to divide and conquer? Very sad and the overall feeling that comes through from the above article is bitterness- ironic as that is one of the criticisms levelled at the pro adopters. Comparing the pain of infertility with the pain of giving up a child is pointless, futile and impossible. IT IS NOT A COMPETITION of whose pain is worse. And lastly, I was literally disgusted by the person who tried to insinuate that infertile people are trying to 'control the word of God' - can you hear yourself?! That there is some kind of international conspiracy amongst people who are infertile to direct the discourse of one of the biggest religions on the planet??? Delusional- I hope that kind of thinking isn't indicative of most peoples thinking in the USA. I'm not religious at all myself, but I was under the impression that those who are, believe that God loves everybody, and that ANYONE who experiences pain and suffering should be welcomed by open arms by believers. In fact it's one of the few things I like about religion. The fact that the tag line at the bottom of this blog is 'walk two decades in my shoes and then you can judge me'; it literally boggles my brain that you can't see the irony of that considering the sentiment of your article. Absolutely depressing.