Thursday, January 16, 2014

God Is Heartless. God Is Cruel.

Other than for funerals and weddings, I have not attended a church service since reuniting with my oldest son. 

It’s been over seven years now and I still have no desire to go back.

Though I was never one who flashed her religious beliefs around, who could pull up a bible quote on demand or recite theology in any way that could ever make sense, I was, for so long, a faithful Lutheran, baptized and confirmed, active as a Fellowship Director and Sunday School Teacher.

And yet, today, the only thing I feel when it comes to Religion, Christianity and God is anger and heart break.  Disgust and fear.  Though I have worked through so much in the past years when it comes to adoption, I still find myself triggered, angered, devastated when it comes to the horrible ways God is used to justify some of the worst acts of adoption.  How the judgment, the entitlement, the punishment is all accepted with nothing more than dropping God’s name and claiming it’s everything He would want.  It’s His way.  His works.

Though I still cling, barely, to my own belief in God, I find myself loathing the God so many Christians shove into adoption to justify their own selfish desires.  Their own need to punish.  Their desperate attempts to make their actions feel better by using Him as their excuse.

I try to avoid the triggers, to simply walk away from that which I know is going to feel like the knife shoved in again, twisting and slicing with all the “painful” greatness of a God who causes so much pain, so much hurt, all in the name of adoption.

But sometimes they slip through.  Sometimes I read, I watch, I hear.  And that same old pain and anger comes back.  Like it did in this video . . . The Family Didn't See This Surprise From God Coming, And You May Not See It Either

I can stand up, use my voice, fight for change in so much of the realities in adoption.  And yet when it comes to the heartless, cruel God that is used to punish vulnerable, pregnant mothers, strip innocent children away from their family, all so He can show His wonderful Grace and work His miracles by satisfying the selfish desires of others, I still find myself struggling, dealing with my emotions taking over.

And I still don’t fully understand why that is.  Why, when I have worked through so much, faced the absolute worst loss in my life . . . my oldest son . . . I can still be vulnerable to such ridiculous triggers like the video I linked to above.

A video with a couple, celebrating their “Christmas Miracle” in tears of happiness, such joy, because God has satisfied their desire for a child.  Because, as they state in the video . . . “We are just amazed at God’s faithfulness.  At how he’s had this planned, all along.”

How does that happen?  How does God determine that such selfish desires should be fulfilled at the terrible pain and loss of others?  How do you get on that good side of his where you aren’t expected to be the mother handing over her own child to another?  The innocent baby, stripped from his or her family to satisfy the wants of others?

And everyone celebrates.  They play the wonderful gospel music in the background.  Proclaim how wonderful God and His love is. 

Yes, that wonderful God.  The one who leads vulnerable, pregnant mothers to believe that it is His will, His desire, for them to give their sons, their daughters, away to someone deemed more deserving.  That demands adoptees be grateful to be adopted because He knew, before they were ever born, that it was best for them to be conceived in the wrong womb and then given away to the rightful, deserving family after their birth.

That God.

The one who others will pray to for you if you dare to share any form of grief over the losses you have suffered through adoption.  The one who strikes out in the worst of punishment by expecting a vulnerable, pregnant mother to give up her child in order to make up for her sins.  Who planned, all along, for her to go through the terrible suffering of losing her child because He already knew her child was meant to satisfy the selfish desires of another.

The God who is not about helping out mothers and children in need.  Who turns a blind eye to the desperate need for support and help to keep families together.  Because He is too busy supplying babies for all the good Christians who deserve to have their prayers answered by His miracle works of causing terrible loss to those in need so “true Christians” may have their own self-centered prayers answered.

And see, that’s it.  That’s where my mind goes, where my heart starts to hurt and my faith sinks lower and lower to the point where I just want to walk away completely from God as I have walked away from Christianity.

Because, why do I give a damn?  Why do I continue to let it hurt me, trigger me? 

I was never one to be deeply immersed in my religion, my beliefs.  I had my faith.  I found a connection, a comfort, I could never fully explain, in my Sunday mornings in Church.  In communion, when I always felt the closest to God.

But I was far from one who dedicated her life to her belief.  Heck, I didn’t even live that “portrayed” life Christians are expected to lead.  I sinned, I erred.  I completely screwed things up.  I didn’t function under the constant reminder that God was watching me, judging me, for every step or action I took.

I just lived.  I just existed the best I knew how.  I believed in God.  I believed in helping.  I believed in fellowship and the importance of Church.  But I still remained one who did not allow her faith to dictate every moment of her life.  If I screwed up . . . I screwed up.  That was life.  That was who I was.

And now I’m rambling, losing the point of this entire post.

I just . . . I don’t know.  I’m used to the triggers that hit in adoption.  After this many years fighting for reform and adoptee rights, you come to expect it. 

But I’m tired of these triggers.  I’m tired of God and questioning what is truly His will, His miracles.

Because, honestly . . . as much as I still cling to my faith in God, I’m just about done trying to be a part of that minority voice fighting for something others don’t see as right.

I don’t want to, refuse to, believe in a God that is so heartless, so cruel, that he would cause such terrible suffering to mothers and their children.  But so many believe that to be Him.  Believe that to be His works.

And honestly, I don’t have the desire to try and fight or prove otherwise.

Perhaps it’s just time for me to choose my battles and walk away from this one.  I mean, after all, no matter my faith and belief, if you go by what so many believe in God’s works and His will, I truly am nothing more than the terrible sinner who He punished – and then punished my oldest son in the absolute worst of ways – so that an infertile woman could have her desires for a child answered.

I just want it to be done.  I want the triggers to stop.  So perhaps, if this heartless and cruel God so many in the world of adoption believe in could see his way to one more miracle, perhaps He would grant it to me . . . just a poor, undeserving mother who gave up her child to fulfill His ways and will . . . a personal, selfish desire of my own.

It doesn’t involve causing pain and loss for others.  It doesn’t involve judgment or punishment for them either.

It just involves me . . . plain and simple me who prays for my own miracle . . . stop the triggers, stop the pain.

Answer my prayer as You have answered the prayers of so many desperate couples seeking a child and allow me to just walk away.  Allow me to be done and to be free of the hell You supposedly accept, create and encourage through Your blind love and support of adoption.

Allow me my peace. 

Allow me to be free.


16 comments:

  1. (((((Cassi)))) I want to have a brilliant answer, but I don't. All I can say is that when people say the types of things you wrote about that are so triggering, it is not truth. Sending love.

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  2. Ahhh, Cassi, I can so understand where you are coming from. This has been my issue with Christianity for so long as well... But I have learned there is a difference between this tripe and toxic religion people believe in and the real God that is all about Grace and pure Love. The God so many people use these days is not God at all... But an idol of whom they want him to be. A God that gives into all THEIR whims and wants but not the real God that desires a relationship with. His children. I have only started going back to church lately and I am still quite anti anything established but I am seeking a relationship with the God I grew up knowing, one that loves and accepts and would never cause harm like so many chose to believe. Don't give up. What you are seeing is not anything but churchian toxic religion that offers nothing and takes and is soul destroying. Love you xxx

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  3. (((Cassi))) I felt every word and my faith has been tested through these same questions and triggers. It is hard. I keep praying to the God who I know did not put me in the wrong womb in order to have me relinquished and adopted and lose my entire first family in the process. He is the God who heals me from those wounds, He certainly didn't orchestrate them, He is the one who helped me reunite with myself and my family and help me heal enough to embrace life as a real person and not just a fraud. My prayer is still "Lord, teach me to trust YOU" and many times that means I have to turn to Him as my real Creator & Father (not adoptive Father, as I hear in church so much) with a heavy and hurting and misunderstood heart and hear His voice above all others. Love you.

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  4. I so agree with you Cassi - there is no justification for that form of judgment to tear a woman from her child - I don't call that religion, I call that mind control.

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  5. I hate god because I am adopted. I don't think he cares about us either.

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  6. I left my faith for a lots of reasons--wait, I found I was an atheist or an agnostic as soon as I left home--but I don't care if others want to believe. What really galls me, however, is the insidious idea that God placed all these babies in the wrong mommy's tummy...and somehow He brought you to us, your adoptive family.

    If that is true, Christ, God is sure stupid!

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  7. Adoption as we know it is a man-made institution, and God is brought into it as a means of justification and manipulation, period. I'll NEVER believe God had ANYTHING to do with me losing my daughter to adoption. Her adoptive parents believe it was all orchestrated by God, and that is hard to deal with. I ignore it. If He put my daughter in the "wrong tummy" then why does she look like US? Why is her personality like that of my other kids? Nah, it's all BS. A MAN-MADE, very often EVIL, industry cost me my child.

    ((((hugs))))

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  8. Hi Cassi - I'm an adoptee who searched for 15 years to discover that both of my first parents died before I was out of high school. Just read your blog for the first time after being referred here by Kay J. Thanks for your honesty.You ask the same kind of difficult questions that we all face. In my quest to figure out where "God's will" fits into modern adoption, if at all, I've come to a few conclusions that have been of help to me. I believe God loves orphans and mothers and fathers (regardless of how they became mothers and fathers), and he loves and hears the prayers of the brokenhearted. I believe that it is God's will that true orphans should be provided homes by loving parents. It is not God's will that children should be taken from their families against the parents' will, unless the child is in danger. God's version of "adoption" in the Old Testament never included severing a child from her/his heritage, since it was critical for Hebrews to know what tribe they came from. I believe there are Christian adoptive parents who genuinely want to raise children in loving homes. Most of them are good-hearted people who fall prey to the same marketing messages as the rest of society. God is a God of truth and justice. He hates lies and corruption in adoption. And he promises that he will deal harshly with those who oppress orphans and widows (frankly, I can't wait!). And I believe that, in the midst of human corruption and pain, God is there, gently working to heal us and show us his love if we can just keep our hearts open to him. I wish this was not true, but I do not believe that the point of life is to avoid all pain. Adopted or not, no one escapes. Pain is inevitable, and can either serve to purify us by loving in spite of evil and injustice, or destroy us through rage, bitterness and cynicism. The choice is ours. And I am completely sure of this: it's not easy. Grace and peace to you.

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  9. I would love to see a movement in churches that works for family preservation. I don't know how to make that happen though ...

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    1. Hi Shannon, there IS such a movement, it's Teen Mother Choices International. It's ALL about supporting teen mothers - not only as mothers, but to help them be successful in all parts of their life! It's a very comprehensive program. I'm about to get in the trenches with it where I live. Adoption is NOT. God ordained institution!!

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  10. (((Cassi)))
    People don't realise what spiritual damage can be done by unjust adoption practices. It is why the process itself is so important - the end can never justify the means.

    The following are my rambling thoughts so they probably won't make too much sense lol:

    First of all, the design modern form of adoption which was designed to replace one family with another has nothing in common with any of the "adoption stories" of the past. (Disclaimer: that's not to say that there aren't wonderful families, there are but that isn't really the point) I note that often they talk about "hey Jesus was adopted" but if it was anything like today's adoptions, there would be letters to adoptions forums saying "Help - we need boundaries! Our little baby Jesus's father, God, wants to co-parent! Doesn't he realise that Joseph is his real father now?". If anything, the Jesus situation is more like a straightforward stepfather situation where the father is always in the picture but the stepfather helps the mother raise the child. As for Moses, can you imagine the letters "OMG - I hired a wetnurse for my precious new baby boy Moses and I've just discovered she is his biological mother - what can I do!!!" Also, if I remember rightly, the Pharoah's daughter ended up livng with Moses and the Hebrews.

    Also, I don't think we are adopted by God, I think we are reunited with God. Many parables in the Gospels point to that eg the prodigal son, the shepherd and his flock - they are all about the straying child returning home.

    Also a lot of modern "Christian" talk seems to involve a lot of micromanaging where God apparently throws things in our paths - if one thinks of God the Father, does one's father micromanage our lives? No (or we hope note), rather he is by our sides when we need him and with his help we can get through. I often hear people say "God wouldn't give us something we couldn't manage" whereas I think the bits in the Gospel are more "With God by our sides, there is nothing we can't get through" just like a shepherd and his flock.

    http://biblehub.com/psalms/23-4.htm
    "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me."

    We are of course all human and I think that probably a lot of time people mean well and think that what they are saying is a lovely sentiment but don't always realise how insulting it can be to the other parties. Sometimes the way it is phrased makes it sound as if by being adopted we have been saved from the jaws of eternal doom. I just read something on an adoption agency site that really appalled me:
    "God Himself actually cut the cord between our children by adoption and their biological parents, freeing them to be placed into our hands. When we became their mother and father, it was not though our efforts or by chance, but by God's mighty hand in our lives and the lives of others. Every detail of our life now is evidence of God working to redeem the broken things of this world to fulfill His plans and not ours.**

    Seriously???? GOD cut the cord? One reason I really hate the use of "God planned it since the beginning of time" is that it excuses any bad behaviour by agencies, atorneys counsellors etc. eg hypothetical adoptee: "Mum I just found out that my bmom was told that I was dead and then was given up for adoption" - "Well dear, it was meant to be. God meant for you to be with us since the beginning of time".

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  11. Cassi,

    I do not know if you will ever see this, but I felt led by God to reach out to you in your time of pain and let you know that I am a 100% Bible believing Christian man and I have only recently come to the same conclusion about adoption as you preach. For many, many years, I have quietly questioned the lengths that many of my Christian brothers and sisters go to with invasive infertility measures (injecting hormones, implanting lab created babies, surrogacy, inserting lab tools to bypass the natural connection between a man and a woman, etc.) to obtain a baby with very little to no discussion as to whether or not God is speaking to them about what He would have them do in light of their infertility. I have faced infertility myself and God told me that He was in control and that I was to let go and be without a child if it was His will. After three years, God truly blessed me with a baby His way.

    I had not really considered adoption as another version of a questionable invasive infertility measure until I saw the very same video posted on YouTube as you saw. Just a few minutes into the video, I can only say that I felt as if God punched me in the stomach and I was so saddened by a video that most people see as a joyous divine miracle. I believe that for a brief moment I felt God's heart and the utter sadness that comes from realizing that all that I believed and other's believe is a lie. It must be the same way that some of the religious leaders felt when they realized that they just killed the Messiah that they hoped for.

    I felt that God wanted me to immediately stand up and speak so I posted a response on my Facebook ministry page. If you are interested, here is the link. https://www.facebook.com/GodsMiraclePlan (It is not a link to spam, a virus, or a sales pitch). Anyway, as you might have guessed, I have experienced quite a bit of angry backlash from this from an adoptive couple in my bible study group and from my wife who feels that I am spiritually deceived, hurting righteous people, and wasting my time. However, I feel called to speak and suffer the consequences as Christ also suffered the consequences.

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  12. Anonymous 2/27/14 Continued

    I have sat through one excruciatingly painful counseling session with the adoptive couple as they pounded their fists on the table in anger and said I was speaking lies and essentially only the Devil lies and deceives. I listened quietly as they agreed that some adoption agencies profit and some mom's may even profit in the worst case scenario, but "our adoption was not that way" and they seemed unconcerned with the fact that there are evil things occurring in this industry. I listened as they said that the birth mother had her reasons for giving up her baby and I am judging her when I call into question those reasons. They seem fine to not be concerned with the reasons why a birth mom made her decision and rest in the fact that they saved the child. What if a birth mom wants to keep her baby, but is just scared about her future? Would you not even peek around the curtain, so to speak, to at least comfort her and tell her that she should not give up her baby based on fear that she can not provide the "American Dream" lifestyle that kids deserve.

    I now am scheduled to meet with the pastor of my church and I am preparing myself for the possibility of a Sanhedrin style lashing from the trained and perfected agents of Christ. I hope that this is not so. I hope God can shine light on this and that my Christian brothers and sisters are open to the message. I have compassion on my Christian brothers and sisters and I hope that you will as well. God can overcome the almost complete deception that has befallen our churches and Christians can see the light. I am praying for that.

    Lastly, I want to encourage you to not forsake a true relationship with God through Jesus because of the hurt that you have felt and the hurt that you continue to feel when you see postings. In spite of the criticism I have faced, I feel that God has been preparing me to start a new "Church" that will come away from the institutionalized religious government style church that we have known for centuries. The institutionalized church has unbeknownst to itself hidden God and created a system in which people do not hear directly from God. Cassi, if you have not already, you can experience salvation and the gift of eternal life through Christ on your own in the peace of your own home. Just believe and call out to Christ, ask him to forgive you of your sins, and give your life to Him to lead and care for. God has a specific plan for you and you can hear it directly from him. We were not meant to huddle together and trust in our own understanding of Biblical ideas. We were meant to walk directly with God through Christ. When we all begin to do that, we will all hear His voice only and we will be unified in Truth. I will pray for you and for all of us.

    God bless you.

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  13. in a sermon not long ago a pastor mentioned "life the way God intended it"
    once again I ask myself, what did God intend for my life?

    What was my life supposed to look like?
    because we all know it's too late for me -- I will never be a mom, and my husband will never be a dad. Is this what God wanted?

    The best I can come up with is that God allowed me the freedom to choose. And I (we, us) will pay for that choice till the end of time. It can never be undone - not for me, my son, my husband, or any of us whose lives have been impacted by the adoption.

    I can't say I believe He wants me to suffer needlessly.
    However, I would never be on the career path I am working on, if it was not for the adoption. I would still be promoting the joys of adoption and saving babies from abortion and the other blind hypocritical things Christians are doing relating to adoption. - pretty much exactly what you wrote about, all of that.

    So, while I don't think He *wants* me to be hurting and suffering, it really is the only way to shape me for the future. I hope to make a difference in people's lives - to show love and genuine care. I want to empower and encourage people. I want to help mommas keep their babies. I want to help reunions be healthy instead of life sucking and vicious.

    even if I can make a difference
    even though I love all the friends I've made thus far -
    no 'accomplishments' will ever, ever, ever be worth the price of living without him.

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  14. My heart hurts reading your post, hurts for you and hurts for all that experience this, including myself. Our collective voice matters. It may not be the majority but it matters. I believed myself unworthy of my child and it wasn't one person that convinced me. It was society and the social sanctioning of single mothers that is clear as day. I wanted redemption not rejection. I wanted acceptance not hate. I was raised in the church and knew I would be a pariah or outcast if I didn't choose adoption. I didn't realize how important a mother is to her child. I was never told that this role couldn't be easily replaced. I didn't know the first thing about motherhood. I was a child myself. Instead of those older and wiser helping me as a younger woman and teaching me what is normal and what is to be expected of a first time pregnancy they focused on everything that is hard and challenging and how I was not fit or prepared. I believed them, I trusted them, and I hated myself as a result. I agreed that my child deserved the best and I agreed that I wasn't the best, or so the lie goes... now he lives with a pastor as a father that preaches adoption over the pulpit and I don't have any contact with him directly. I have asked through email to the family multiple times to be involved in his life but have been denied over an over. I feel your pain.

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