Other than for funerals and weddings, I have not attended a church service since reuniting with my oldest son.
It’s been over seven years now and I still have no desire to go back.
Though I was never one who flashed her religious beliefs around, who could pull up a bible quote on demand or recite theology in any way that could ever make sense, I was, for so long, a faithful Lutheran, baptized and confirmed, active as a Fellowship Director and Sunday School Teacher.
And yet, today, the only thing I feel when it comes to Religion, Christianity and God is anger and heart break. Disgust and fear. Though I have worked through so much in the past years when it comes to adoption, I still find myself triggered, angered, devastated when it comes to the horrible ways God is used to justify some of the worst acts of adoption. How the judgment, the entitlement, the punishment is all accepted with nothing more than dropping God’s name and claiming it’s everything He would want. It’s His way. His works.
Though I still cling, barely, to my own belief in God, I find myself loathing the God so many Christians shove into adoption to justify their own selfish desires. Their own need to punish. Their desperate attempts to make their actions feel better by using Him as their excuse.
I try to avoid the triggers, to simply walk away from that which I know is going to feel like the knife shoved in again, twisting and slicing with all the “painful” greatness of a God who causes so much pain, so much hurt, all in the name of adoption.
But sometimes they slip through. Sometimes I read, I watch, I hear. And that same old pain and anger comes back. Like it did in this video . . . The Family Didn't See This Surprise From God Coming, And You May Not See It Either
I can stand up, use my voice, fight for change in so much of the realities in adoption. And yet when it comes to the heartless, cruel God that is used to punish vulnerable, pregnant mothers, strip innocent children away from their family, all so He can show His wonderful Grace and work His miracles by satisfying the selfish desires of others, I still find myself struggling, dealing with my emotions taking over.
And I still don’t fully understand why that is. Why, when I have worked through so much, faced the absolute worst loss in my life . . . my oldest son . . . I can still be vulnerable to such ridiculous triggers like the video I linked to above.
A video with a couple, celebrating their “Christmas Miracle” in tears of happiness, such joy, because God has satisfied their desire for a child. Because, as they state in the video . . . “We are just amazed at God’s faithfulness. At how he’s had this planned, all along.”
How does that happen? How does God determine that such selfish desires should be fulfilled at the terrible pain and loss of others? How do you get on that good side of his where you aren’t expected to be the mother handing over her own child to another? The innocent baby, stripped from his or her family to satisfy the wants of others?
And everyone celebrates. They play the wonderful gospel music in the background. Proclaim how wonderful God and His love is.
Yes, that wonderful God. The one who leads vulnerable, pregnant mothers to believe that it is His will, His desire, for them to give their sons, their daughters, away to someone deemed more deserving. That demands adoptees be grateful to be adopted because He knew, before they were ever born, that it was best for them to be conceived in the wrong womb and then given away to the rightful, deserving family after their birth.
The one who others will pray to for you if you dare to share any form of grief over the losses you have suffered through adoption. The one who strikes out in the worst of punishment by expecting a vulnerable, pregnant mother to give up her child in order to make up for her sins. Who planned, all along, for her to go through the terrible suffering of losing her child because He already knew her child was meant to satisfy the selfish desires of another.
The God who is not about helping out mothers and children in need. Who turns a blind eye to the desperate need for support and help to keep families together. Because He is too busy supplying babies for all the good Christians who deserve to have their prayers answered by His miracle works of causing terrible loss to those in need so “true Christians” may have their own self-centered prayers answered.
And see, that’s it. That’s where my mind goes, where my heart starts to hurt and my faith sinks lower and lower to the point where I just want to walk away completely from God as I have walked away from Christianity.
Because, why do I give a damn? Why do I continue to let it hurt me, trigger me?
I was never one to be deeply immersed in my religion, my beliefs. I had my faith. I found a connection, a comfort, I could never fully explain, in my Sunday mornings in Church. In communion, when I always felt the closest to God.
But I was far from one who dedicated her life to her belief. Heck, I didn’t even live that “portrayed” life Christians are expected to lead. I sinned, I erred. I completely screwed things up. I didn’t function under the constant reminder that God was watching me, judging me, for every step or action I took.
I just lived. I just existed the best I knew how. I believed in God. I believed in helping. I believed in fellowship and the importance of Church. But I still remained one who did not allow her faith to dictate every moment of her life. If I screwed up . . . I screwed up. That was life. That was who I was.
And now I’m rambling, losing the point of this entire post.
I just . . . I don’t know. I’m used to the triggers that hit in adoption. After this many years fighting for reform and adoptee rights, you come to expect it.
But I’m tired of these triggers. I’m tired of God and questioning what is truly His will, His miracles.
Because, honestly . . . as much as I still cling to my faith in God, I’m just about done trying to be a part of that minority voice fighting for something others don’t see as right.
I don’t want to, refuse to, believe in a God that is so heartless, so cruel, that he would cause such terrible suffering to mothers and their children. But so many believe that to be Him. Believe that to be His works.
And honestly, I don’t have the desire to try and fight or prove otherwise.
Perhaps it’s just time for me to choose my battles and walk away from this one. I mean, after all, no matter my faith and belief, if you go by what so many believe in God’s works and His will, I truly am nothing more than the terrible sinner who He punished – and then punished my oldest son in the absolute worst of ways – so that an infertile woman could have her desires for a child answered.
I just want it to be done. I want the triggers to stop. So perhaps, if this heartless and cruel God so many in the world of adoption believe in could see his way to one more miracle, perhaps He would grant it to me . . . just a poor, undeserving mother who gave up her child to fulfill His ways and will . . . a personal, selfish desire of my own.
It doesn’t involve causing pain and loss for others. It doesn’t involve judgment or punishment for them either.
It just involves me . . . plain and simple me who prays for my own miracle . . . stop the triggers, stop the pain.
Answer my prayer as You have answered the prayers of so many desperate couples seeking a child and allow me to just walk away. Allow me to be done and to be free of the hell You supposedly accept, create and encourage through Your blind love and support of adoption.
Allow me my peace.
Allow me to be free.