Friday, January 31, 2014

Giving Away Baby

This article,  Facebook Status: Social Media Baby Boom, is the kind of stuff fairy tales are made of  . . .

Infertile couple desperately wants a child to call their own, vulnerable, pregnant  mother sees their profile on Facebook, gives birth and hands her baby away to infertile couple and everyone rides off happily ever after into the sunset.

Doesn’t it give you the warm, fuzzy feeling to know, with social media, babies are becoming less and less human and more and more the desired product of infertile couples seeking to satisfy their desires for a family?

Isn’t it a great reason to celebrate . . . children being degraded to meaning so little.  Their innocent lives nothing more than a transaction on Facebook.  They are, after all, just babies.  Big, gooey blobs of chubbiness and drool, perfect for the taking from their family for the satisfaction of the strangers who desire them.

Why should any one of us care if the mother was caught in a desperate, vulnerable state?  Perhaps denied the help and support needed to keep her baby.  I mean, really, it’s just that chubby drooling thing anyhow, why waste any time in trying first to see if there is any way to a save them from the loss of their family.

And honestly, really, look how desperately the couple wanted a baby . . . any baby.  They were even willing to go to Facebook to get what they wanted.  That has to count more than, perhaps, counseling them to make sure they are adopting because they truly want to help a child in need and not because of some desperate attempt to “heal” their infertility or selfish desire to do whatever it takes, no matter the cost – even to an innocent baby – to claim the family they want.

Like I said . . . the kind of stuff fairly tales are made of.

The sad fact, the harsh reality, is, in the practice of Domestic Infant Adoption, a child’s worth MUST first be degraded.  They MUST make that change from cherished, loved human being to product desired, or else there would be no infants available for all the infertile couples who are in such competition for the child they want, they go to Facebook to find their satisfaction without a second thought to just how disgusting such an act truly is - -

“Hey, we wanted a baby so much, and your First Mother loved you so much, we all went to Facebook to trade you.  Aren’t you grateful?”

Contrary to what so many believe, the options counseling vulnerable, pregnant mothers go through is NOT about the importance of their unborn child.  It is, instead, a careful process to get them to see their child as unimportant, nothing more than a product they have that can be “gifted” away to strangers.

It’s never about the precious gift the unborn child is to their OWN family.  In fact, any such thoughts are not only discouraged but outright denied.  Instead, the conversation is about the burden an unborn child would place on their own family.  Their own flesh and blood.

Vulnerable, pregnant mothers are encouraged to believe that their child is so unworthy that family members who are offering to help don’t really mean it in earnest and will, more than likely, turn their backs on them in the end.  They are encouraged to deny the father’s rights because the baby they are carrying just isn’t good enough, really, for the dad to actually love him or her enough to give them the very best life they possibly can.

Their child really isn’t worth that much.  They aren’t important enough or worthy enough to stay within their family.  They’d just be the burdens, responsibilities, everyone would end up resenting in the end.

The adoption industry has to, IT MUST, chip away, piece by piece, at any thoughts of a child being precious enough to fight for, keep within their own family, change a life for.  They have to destroy such ideas, reduce the unborn babies to nothing more than burdens to be taken care of, products to be given away.  It is the ONLY way they can keep their multi-billion dollar industry going.

Even for the “gift” given to an infertile couple, it’s still not about the importance of one, certain child, it’s about ANY child.  Whichever baby . . . a.k.a opportunity . . . comes along to satisfy their desires.  It could be little Joey from this expectant mom or tiny Jody from that one.  It’s not the baby itself so important to them, it’s the satisfaction of a need being fulfilled.

Even in that article. In what you hear day in and day out through our media, the importance of the baby is diminished so that the desires of the infertile couple can be what shines through, making them deserving of the “gift” of a human being.  Good and right for using social media to have their needs satisfied.  For taking a newborn child from her family because they wanted a family of their own.

If that innocent, baby girl in the article had mattered, if any child in the process of Domestic Infant Adoption mattered, the story would have been much different.  There would have been disgust that anyone would reduce a child’s worth to some “transaction” on Facebook.  The reporter would have cared more about the loss the child had suffered, losing her entire family, instead of focusing on the multiple infertility treatments the couple had gone through.  Attention would have been placed on how every child deserves to have their family fight for them not on how infertile couples might find quicker and cheaper adoptions.

Every single child born into this world deserves to be important enough, worthy enough, for their family to make sure they are never lost.  They deserve mothers and fathers who will fight, push and shove every boundary, make whatever change possible, to provide the very best they can for their little one.  They deserve the comfort of knowing they matter enough that their own family will do whatever it takes not to lose them, not to have them be given away to others.

But for every time we support stories such as this.  For every moment we spend supporting what adoption has become – providing infants for couples who desire them.  For every instance we support the deception in getting around Father’s rights, denying extended family any chance to keep, love and raise one of their own, we diminish everything children are worth.  We take away their importance and allow them to become nothing more than a product to be sold.

Every child should matter.  Every child should be important enough to be fought for, spared the terrible loss of their family.  Because they are more than just chubby, bundles of drool.  They are wonderful, living, loving human beings who deserve the very best we can give them. 


Who deserve better than to be nothing more than a product given away through Facebook.

Thursday, January 16, 2014

God Is Heartless. God Is Cruel.

Other than for funerals and weddings, I have not attended a church service since reuniting with my oldest son. 

It’s been over seven years now and I still have no desire to go back.

Though I was never one who flashed her religious beliefs around, who could pull up a bible quote on demand or recite theology in any way that could ever make sense, I was, for so long, a faithful Lutheran, baptized and confirmed, active as a Fellowship Director and Sunday School Teacher.

And yet, today, the only thing I feel when it comes to Religion, Christianity and God is anger and heart break.  Disgust and fear.  Though I have worked through so much in the past years when it comes to adoption, I still find myself triggered, angered, devastated when it comes to the horrible ways God is used to justify some of the worst acts of adoption.  How the judgment, the entitlement, the punishment is all accepted with nothing more than dropping God’s name and claiming it’s everything He would want.  It’s His way.  His works.

Though I still cling, barely, to my own belief in God, I find myself loathing the God so many Christians shove into adoption to justify their own selfish desires.  Their own need to punish.  Their desperate attempts to make their actions feel better by using Him as their excuse.

I try to avoid the triggers, to simply walk away from that which I know is going to feel like the knife shoved in again, twisting and slicing with all the “painful” greatness of a God who causes so much pain, so much hurt, all in the name of adoption.

But sometimes they slip through.  Sometimes I read, I watch, I hear.  And that same old pain and anger comes back.  Like it did in this video . . . The Family Didn't See This Surprise From God Coming, And You May Not See It Either

I can stand up, use my voice, fight for change in so much of the realities in adoption.  And yet when it comes to the heartless, cruel God that is used to punish vulnerable, pregnant mothers, strip innocent children away from their family, all so He can show His wonderful Grace and work His miracles by satisfying the selfish desires of others, I still find myself struggling, dealing with my emotions taking over.

And I still don’t fully understand why that is.  Why, when I have worked through so much, faced the absolute worst loss in my life . . . my oldest son . . . I can still be vulnerable to such ridiculous triggers like the video I linked to above.

A video with a couple, celebrating their “Christmas Miracle” in tears of happiness, such joy, because God has satisfied their desire for a child.  Because, as they state in the video . . . “We are just amazed at God’s faithfulness.  At how he’s had this planned, all along.”

How does that happen?  How does God determine that such selfish desires should be fulfilled at the terrible pain and loss of others?  How do you get on that good side of his where you aren’t expected to be the mother handing over her own child to another?  The innocent baby, stripped from his or her family to satisfy the wants of others?

And everyone celebrates.  They play the wonderful gospel music in the background.  Proclaim how wonderful God and His love is. 

Yes, that wonderful God.  The one who leads vulnerable, pregnant mothers to believe that it is His will, His desire, for them to give their sons, their daughters, away to someone deemed more deserving.  That demands adoptees be grateful to be adopted because He knew, before they were ever born, that it was best for them to be conceived in the wrong womb and then given away to the rightful, deserving family after their birth.

That God.

The one who others will pray to for you if you dare to share any form of grief over the losses you have suffered through adoption.  The one who strikes out in the worst of punishment by expecting a vulnerable, pregnant mother to give up her child in order to make up for her sins.  Who planned, all along, for her to go through the terrible suffering of losing her child because He already knew her child was meant to satisfy the selfish desires of another.

The God who is not about helping out mothers and children in need.  Who turns a blind eye to the desperate need for support and help to keep families together.  Because He is too busy supplying babies for all the good Christians who deserve to have their prayers answered by His miracle works of causing terrible loss to those in need so “true Christians” may have their own self-centered prayers answered.

And see, that’s it.  That’s where my mind goes, where my heart starts to hurt and my faith sinks lower and lower to the point where I just want to walk away completely from God as I have walked away from Christianity.

Because, why do I give a damn?  Why do I continue to let it hurt me, trigger me? 

I was never one to be deeply immersed in my religion, my beliefs.  I had my faith.  I found a connection, a comfort, I could never fully explain, in my Sunday mornings in Church.  In communion, when I always felt the closest to God.

But I was far from one who dedicated her life to her belief.  Heck, I didn’t even live that “portrayed” life Christians are expected to lead.  I sinned, I erred.  I completely screwed things up.  I didn’t function under the constant reminder that God was watching me, judging me, for every step or action I took.

I just lived.  I just existed the best I knew how.  I believed in God.  I believed in helping.  I believed in fellowship and the importance of Church.  But I still remained one who did not allow her faith to dictate every moment of her life.  If I screwed up . . . I screwed up.  That was life.  That was who I was.

And now I’m rambling, losing the point of this entire post.

I just . . . I don’t know.  I’m used to the triggers that hit in adoption.  After this many years fighting for reform and adoptee rights, you come to expect it. 

But I’m tired of these triggers.  I’m tired of God and questioning what is truly His will, His miracles.

Because, honestly . . . as much as I still cling to my faith in God, I’m just about done trying to be a part of that minority voice fighting for something others don’t see as right.

I don’t want to, refuse to, believe in a God that is so heartless, so cruel, that he would cause such terrible suffering to mothers and their children.  But so many believe that to be Him.  Believe that to be His works.

And honestly, I don’t have the desire to try and fight or prove otherwise.

Perhaps it’s just time for me to choose my battles and walk away from this one.  I mean, after all, no matter my faith and belief, if you go by what so many believe in God’s works and His will, I truly am nothing more than the terrible sinner who He punished – and then punished my oldest son in the absolute worst of ways – so that an infertile woman could have her desires for a child answered.

I just want it to be done.  I want the triggers to stop.  So perhaps, if this heartless and cruel God so many in the world of adoption believe in could see his way to one more miracle, perhaps He would grant it to me . . . just a poor, undeserving mother who gave up her child to fulfill His ways and will . . . a personal, selfish desire of my own.

It doesn’t involve causing pain and loss for others.  It doesn’t involve judgment or punishment for them either.

It just involves me . . . plain and simple me who prays for my own miracle . . . stop the triggers, stop the pain.

Answer my prayer as You have answered the prayers of so many desperate couples seeking a child and allow me to just walk away.  Allow me to be done and to be free of the hell You supposedly accept, create and encourage through Your blind love and support of adoption.

Allow me my peace. 

Allow me to be free.