Wednesday, November 13, 2013

The Bad, The Good

You can’t avoid it.  You hear it all the time.

If you are one who dares to speak out about the harder truths in adoption.  One who puts their voice out there, trying to bring about reform to protect everyone involved, you will, more often than not, come up against those who disregard what you have to say.  Will do what they can to make your feelings, experiences, knowledge, insignificant if it does not fall in line with the accepted view of adoption being nothing more than a wonderful, loving act for all involved.

And many of the loudest are those who have had a good experience with adoption.  From First Parents who are happy with giving up their children, Adoptees grateful for being adopted to Adoptive Parents thankful for whatever had to happen to provide them with the child they dreamed about.

So often, they tend to be the loudest, the most active, when it comes to dismissing and discouraging anything that contrasts against their own, personal experience.  And on some level, I understand that.  I honestly do.  It’s in our nature to want to hold on tight to what we see as good and right in our lives.  Challenging that can, so often, feel like a personal insult against us.  Can force us to question ourselves, our happiness.  Feel threatened by someone else seeing our life as somehow bad because of their beliefs that view our own in such a negative light.

And yet, realizing the darker truths that exist in adoption, acknowledging them and fighting for them to change, does not suddenly make one bad.  It doesn’t mean that an Adoptee’s parents were not the loving, kind mother and father they cherish.  It doesn’t take away from an adoptive family being close, tight-knit and strong in their relationships.

Realizing the multi-billion dollar adoption industry carries evil with it is not equal to dismissing your own love, affection and happiness with your own family.  Your own children.  Your own experience.  Accepting that there are darker truths needing to be addressed doesn’t make anyone, or their own experience, bad.

What is bad, however, is using your good experience as an excuse to try and diminish the desperate need for reform in the world of adoption.  To somehow justify that the very real pain and loss that exists in adoption needs to be silenced.

The best adoption experience, the happiest Adoptee, First Parent, Adoptive Parent, is not so special that a blind eye should be turned to the coercion and manipulation that exists against vulnerable mothers.  One having no regrets about what happened doesn’t give them reason to ignore the lack of protections for mothers, fathers and their unborn children.  It isn’t an excuse to claim that nothing needs to change just because one might have gained off something that is full of so much wrong.

How selfish can one be to ignore and dismiss the wrong in adoption simply because they had a good experience?  How far does one have to go in their happiness to have no problem with actually fighting against protections for the vulnerable simply because their experience was different?

The best open adoption in the world, the most loving adoptive family, the happiest adoptee, doesn’t erase the reality that adoption has become, more than anything, a business providing newborns to paying customers.  It doesn’t suddenly nullify the fact that millions of adoptees are denied their equal rights.  That every day a vulnerable mother is faced with the coercive Options counselingdesigned specifically to create more unnecessary separations.

One’s happy experience does not justify ignoring horror stories such as what happened to Veronica Rose Brown and her family.   Loving adoption doesn’t give anyone a right to turn a blind eye to the lack of anything right when so much money is involved in the taking of children from one family to another.

Perhaps, instead of fighting against those who don’t share the same happy experience, it’s time to, instead, fight against the reasons there are so many with such dark, painful experiences.  Instead of dismissing those who didn’t have the same happy experience, take the time to learn and research the darker truths you are being told.

There is nothing bad, just good, in fighting for the outrageous profits to be taken out of adoption.   In demanding protections for vulnerable mothers, fathers and their unborn children so that no one is ever faced with coercion and manipulation in order to get their child away from them.  Speaking out against adoptees being denied the rights the rest of us take for granted.

Such things don’t have the power to change one’s own happiness.  But they do have the power to change the evils so many face when they fall into the hands of an unregulated adoption industry that gains, in the worst of ways . . . using the vulnerable, the desperate, the innocent, to keep their profits growing. 

To keep the business of adoption just as they want it to be . . . about the money, not the children.


  1. Why should we let the Kool-Aid drinkers, the fogged ones, the Colonized Minds off the hook so easily? They serve a very particular purpose, which is to aid and abet our silencing if not destruction, and this whether they realize it or not. In other contexts, they would be called out for what they are: House slaves; Uncle Toms; kowtowers; compradors. And in those other contexts, they would not be groveled to, they would be exposed for what they are, and for how dangerous they are to the commonweal. Their so-called "happiness" can only come at the expense of someone else's misery. It is this very fact that needs to be addressed, to even out the playing field, to equalize the power differential. And if they won't let us "up there", then it is for us to drag them back down to Earth.

  2. It's called the "No True Scotsman Fallacy". They would rather defend the institution of adoption to their deaths than admit that something is wrong with how we in the west practice it.

  3. As someone who is adopted, and had fertility issues to where I was never able to carry a pregnancy to term (and someones wonder if it's because I internalized so many negative views about pregancy=ruin of one's life growing up) I've experienced both sides of the debate.

    Yes, I would love to have a baby. But I do believe firmly babies belong with their biological families. I don't think it has to be immediate family, but same clan so to speak. Reflecting back, I know that my biological mother was probably brainwashed into thinking it was the right thing to do. Not one social services person ever once said 'just tell your family and maybe it won't be so bad'. She received zero counseling afterward and was told to forget it had ever happened. I was told later that she had to fight hard just for the chance to see me after I'd been born, they were so afraid she'd changer her mind. She's extremely emotionally damaged from the experience. In all honesty I think the ones who should have to live with the consequences of infertility are the infertile couples, not the 'unwanted' babies that might not be so unwanted once born and whose extended family should have first pick.