Monday, October 28, 2013

Blood Matters

My family is loud.  We’re crazy.  We’re even a bit impossible at times.

But we’re close and loving.  We understand one another like nobody else can because we are all a part of one another.  We share the same traits, talents, mannerisms and habits.  We are together in as much as who we are now as who our ancestors were before us.

There is no better family for any one of us.  Not even my oldest son, who I gave up for adoption.  We are what is best for each other.  Our love is not our only connection.  There is so much more of who we are, how we react to one another that is a part of the blood we share.  Of the understanding we gain by looking at those around us and seeing ourselves, in both looks and actions.

My children, my flesh and blood, are exactly where they belong.  There is nothing better for them.  Nothing or no one who could come close to offering what I can, their father can, their extended family can.

I’ve lived through the hell of being led to believe that I was unimportant to my own child.  That complete strangers would be better for him than I could ever hope to be.  I’ve had to watch, helplessly, the pain and hurt he, my own child who I was supposed to love and protect over all else, has suffered because I accepted the myth that biology doesn’t matter.  That adoption was the only true way to offer him a “good” family.

And now, I’m so tired of hearing it.  Tired of the adoption industry’s desperate need to minimize the importance of one’s own biological roots.  Their heritage.  Their ancestors.

Tired of adoptive parents who, while demanding their families are respected and never criticized, turn their own efforts into tearing down the importance of natural families, throwing out the very same insults they insist never be placed upon their own family.

Tired of society’s acceptance and belief that a natural family is replaceable, unimportant if it means a desperate couple will have their own desires fulfilled.  Believing the want for a child and the willingness to pay out tens of thousands of dollars to have such wants satisfied makes for a better, more deserving parent.

The deterioration of how important natural families are, the constant attacks to do all that can be done to ruin that importance, is beyond heart-breaking . . . it’s frightening.  Especially when those hurt the most are the very ones adoption is supposed to be about . . .

The children.

It’s wrong, and so very cruel, in an effort to continue the gains and profits in adoption, to destroy a child’s own family first.  To become a part of the overwhelming voice that tells them it’s unimportant to be raised by those who share so much with you . . . your traits, and talents, your ancestry and history of how you came to be.  To be a part of those who will understand you better than anyone because they are a part of you.

But the cruelty goes beyond even that.  It destroys on another level, as well.  One that eats away not only on a child’s right to be with their natural family, to be protected from such painful separations, but also on stripping away the importance of that very child within their family.

To get desired infants away from their frightened, vulnerable parents, the illusion is not only created that the parents are so unimportant to their own child that they can easily be replaced by strangers, but the baby can also be easily replaced once they go on to have more children.

You hear such heart-breaking lies, not only in the counselors trying to convince mothers and fathers to give up their babies, but also in the justification of some adoptive parents.  In their reasoning for why they deserve to raise someone else’s child . . . because the child’s natural parents can always just go on and have another child to replace the one they feel they are entitled to.

In order to be successful, in order to get desperately desired babies away from natural families to supply to the paying customers of the adoption industry, it isn’t enough to encourage society’s view of just how unimportant they are.  Natural families, themselves, also have to be convinced that their own child, grandchild, brother, sister, niece, nephew, cousin, is insignificant enough that giving them away to strangers won’t cause a heart wrenching loss.

That the innocent child isn’t worth keeping, fighting for.  But instead is worth only being given away to another family.  And condolences and pats on the backs are given about how there may be loss felt, heartbreak to deal with.  But feeling good about yourself and your own actions will prove to be more important than the child taken away from his or her own family.

It’s a double fist when it comes to hurting children in the desperation to destroy the importance of natural families.  In the need to justify such a horror against the most innocent so others can gain and profit.

We not only take away everything that is their right by birth.  Tell them how unimportant such a loss is.  How blood and biology mean nothing and don’t create a family.  We also make sure we hit them hard in the gut and cause even more pain by using the same sick reasoning to make sure their natural family never sees them as the wonderful, important person they always should have been.  The one who is worth fighting for, never giving up on.  Who has every right to be loved unconditionally because of blood, of biology.  Because that is the very thing that makes them our child, grandchild, sibling, niece, nephew, cousin.

Because, on the most primal of all levels, they are a part of us and can never be replaced, no matter the lies we are told and led to believe for the sick justification of others.

Travel anywhere in the world of adoption and you will find those dealing out such torture.  The mothers and fathers proudly claiming they are happy with their choice to give their child up.  And even if there is pain, if there is loss, they just need to remind themselves how THEY did good, how their actions were the best, the right ones, because that is what they have been counseled to believe is better than ever imagining, thinking about, how their own child deserved to never be separated from their natural family.  How he or she should have always been important enough for them to fight in every way to be the ones to offer them that “better” life they desired.

And that’s it . . . the core of just how terribly wrong the constant, never-ending attack on natural families truly is.

Yes, it creates the profits for a multi-billion dollar industry.  Satisfies the desperate wants of those able to pay tens of thousands of dollars for a child.  But the price of that is the innocent child.

Because every time one, rather it be for justification or personal beliefs, launches an attack on natural families, on the importance of blood and biology, the ones they harm the most are the very children they claim to care about.

In the end . . . where such cruelty leads . . . what is worse?  A child being denied their natural family, led to believe that the blood and biology they share with generations of their own, is unimportant, means absolutely nothing to who they are?  Or a child who’s natural family has given them up, is proud and happy of their decision to do so because they believe, just as the adoption industry, so many adoptive parents and a good part of society do, that their own child, their own blood, isn’t all that important to them.

Believe the twisted theory that biology, ancestry, DNA are not enough to make someone important to their own family.  Worthy enough to fight for, no matter what the obstacles.  Deserving of the realization that blood and biology mean a child can never be replaced, no matter how some might fight hard to create an illusion that suggests otherwise.

An illusion that only serves to support their own desires while destroying what is right, what is good, for a child. 

Because blood DOES matter.  Biology IS important.  And natural families are, often, the better life that children deserve.


  1. Thank you. This is a beautifully written post and absolutely true. I am an adoptee who has met some biological family members. The bond I feel with my natural brother and his children simply takes my breath away. When I am with him, I feel a sense of relief. I don't have to think about how to be, what to say, how to act. There is an electrical current that flows between us. This is biology. I now can see very clearly what I have missed out on my whole life. My brother and I have agreed that we were meant to grow up together. Blood matters.

    1. "There is an electrical current that flows between us."

      That comment blew my mind.I have never seen anyone write that before. And it is soooo true. I even feel it when talking to blood relatives on the phone. The connection is an electrical current that I feel in my body. It's the shared blood and it's so powerful. It's tragic how many adoptees are forced to live their whole lives without it and don't even know what they're missing.

  2. Thanks for this post. I have struggled with this very thing, as my son's adopters/ families and friends have denegrated myself, my family and familial bond with my son as if it were nothing. His adopter cousin posts things on social networking such as "Blood does not make a family, love does". Of course, their family does not receive the same dehumanization and those bonds are important and intact. Only when adoption enters the picture does "Blood not make a family". It sure does when THEIR families are concerned... So hypocritical...

    That I allowed this into my life so many years ago truly sickens me.

  3. They don't listen to us, They don't care. They have T-shirts that say Adoption is the New Pregnancy, I AM her REAL MOTHER. Whatever feelings we express they mock us with shit like that. They don't care either that a lot of adoptees feel scared growing up. Most of the time too- scared that they don't know who their real parents are, and very sad to. Hey, there are pills and shock treatment for that so who cares right?!
    Fuck the Crapobiancos and fuck these infertile nutjobs. Adoption is a satanic system and everyone involved in it is going to hell. Which is fair, because that is what they make life for natural mothers and adoptees for decades and decades..

  4. This post has Veronica Rose Brown written all over it. I'm afraid though that things are getting worse instead of better. The importance of the biological connection is getting short shrift more and more these days. With the ever increasing acceptance of new family formations, the idea that maintaining biological relationships should be paramount is falling to the wayside. It really scares me. And I think the Brown/Copabianco fiasco demonstrated that more than anything.

    The United States has a history of being tolerant and open-minded and that is a good thing. But the willingness to see every type of family as equally valuable and desirable does makes many people overlook what effect these new families have on the child and whether they are really in the child's best interest. I find myself disagreeing with a lot of the beliefs in this brave new world we've entered. And I find myself having to vigorously defend my position against those who actually have never lived the issue and know very little about it.

  5. @Robin-that electrical current is called the soul. Another aspect, the most important aspect when it comes to mother and child, father and child and the love of those in one's bloodline. Family IS spiritual from point one.

  6. I attended a workshop this past weekend that included phrases such as "You are the exact right person to be the parent to your child." I was overwhelmed with sadness, thinking "If someone -- anyone -- could have said this to my parents when I came into this world (instead of 'you are not worthy or capable'), my life (and theirs) might have been completely different."

  7. Thank you for this website. It has been immensely helpful.

    I'm an adoptee abused by my adopted parents who "gifted" me with chronic depression, PTSD, and low self esteem. I could never search for my birthparents because obviously anyone who didn't know me was better off than anyone who did know me, why would I want to sully their lives with my presence?

    But you and other birthmothers have shown me that you are suffering from the same problems for the same reasons, and that I might have something positive to give my birthmother. I've started to blog my way through my feelings. Thank you.

  8. Thank you so much for this post. My family does not understand or want to acknowledge my pain. They would rather shun me again. I wish they could have compassion for me! My life would be much better. The second rejection is more painful than the first.

  9. If we just asked people in the general public, does biology matter, what would the answer be? I am pretty sure I know...

    I am a very lucky person to have a family of origin on both sides who loves and accepts me...I am home when I am with them...

  10. So anyone, even a drug addicted mother, who would rather get high than think about the life inside her, is fit for motherhood? Not true. Adoption stories are not all the same. You might have been a great mother but there are many families that are not 'cut out' to raise children. Not every family feels the same about their own flesh & blood as you people do. In that case- give the child a chance with someone that does care.