Tuesday, September 24, 2013

A Family Destroyed

I don’t know if I can write this.  If it is even worth it.  If any of this is worth it anymore.

We have failed a sweet, innocent little girl.  Failed her in the worst of ways.

And I say we for all of us.  A society.  A nation.  Our media. Lawmakers and judges.  Every single one holds heavy on their shoulders the blame for what happened to Veronica.  She is a four year old, innocent victim who has just paid the worst price, her family destroyed so she could be used to satisfy the desires of an infertile couple.

As she suffers the terrible loss of her family, her heritage, her culture, others celebrate such a disgusting tragedy for this little girl.  They congratulate themselves with proud slaps to the back for fighting so hard for Veronica to lose everything so the Capobiancos could have their every selfish desire fulfilled.

They praise those like Troy Dunn and Dr. Phil for using Veronica to advance their own careers.  Celebrate and promote the continued deception of Veronica’s First Mother, because it justifies their belief that the Capobianco’s “deserved” Veronica more than her own family.  That they “earned” the right to be her parents.

As a society, a nation, we accept such twisted beliefs.  Our media, even today in the reality of all Veronica has lost, continues to portray a story of lies and half-truths.  Never daring, never having the courage, to go the heart of what has happened, will continue to happen to so many children, if something isn’t done.  If we don’t finally stand up and demand change.

Some have said there is some hope in Veronica’s loss because of the attention it has brought to the truth of the adoption industry.  But I just can’t bring myself to see it that way.  I see her loss as the worst thing that could have happened to her.  I see it as a complete failure of everyone who ignored those speaking out, demanding change.  For every person who chose to label, deny and fight against those speaking the truth.  Truth of pain and grief.  Of coercion and manipulation.  Of billions of dollars being the driving force for our children being taken away for the satisfaction of others.

Veronica deserved better than this.  She deserved protection from an industry that used her for gain.  Deserved her rights to her family to be recognized instead of trampled on.  She deserved what so many don’t have the courage or heart to give . . . facing the truth of the very real evils that exist in adoption today.

And I’m not sugar coating.  I’m not watching my words, always so conscious of who might be offended.  Because what the hell good does that do?  It certainly doesn’t do anything to prevent a sweet, little girl from having her entire family destroyed for the gain of others.  It doesn’t push our lawmakers to turn away from the money and the power of the adoption industry.  To refuse the laws created to completely do away with fathers’ rights, protections for vulnerable mothers, and most important, guards against children ever being used as a product to be bought and sold.

Today, after the hell that has happened, I don’t see any grey areas any longer.  I see it as black and white.  Either you believe that we have to do something, demand changes, so that our children are no longer used like Veronica has been used.  No longer forced to face the heart break Veronica has faced.

Or you believe in and support the fact that adoption has become a business meant to provide children for the couples willing and able to pay for them.  You ignore, diminish, the pain, the grief, the horror of so many to justify your actions, your need to continue to deny the hard truths staring you in the face.

I can’t see it any other way at the moment.  I am so angry.  So terribly angry.

I have taken hits in this fight for adoption reform, some personal, some not.  I’ve known and accepted they are part of the fight.  Part of what to expect when you challenge such a controversial subject.

But to have a little, innocent four-year old girl take the hardest hit, the worst of it all, is something I can never accept.  NEVER!

I had almost been beaten over the summer, tempted to just give up, to walk away from all the self-entitlement.  The denial of the loss and grief.  The desperate fight to justify the outrageous profits in supplying children for those that desire them.  The absolute refusal to acknowledge that every child has the right to their own family.  To be raised by those that are a part of them.  To be free of having their identity erased for the benefit of others.  Their equal rights stripped from them.

But Veronica’s fight brought me back and it will keep me going.  Every time I feel the urge to walk away, I will think of her wrapped securely in her daddy’s arms.  Of her beautiful smiles when surrounded by her family.  Of the amazing life she was granted when she was allowed to be with her family.  Allowed to just be another little girl, growing up, growing strong, under the care and protection of those who loved her.

And I will remember the hell she had forced on her.  A hell not only supported, but encouraged and prayed for by so many.  I will remember her terrible loss.  The destruction of her family for the selfish desires of others.

I can never change how terribly she was failed.  But I sure as hell can fight with everything I have to try and protect other children from being forced to live through the same hell.  I can fight for Veronica and because of her.


I can fight because she has reminded me it is the right thing to do.

43 comments:

  1. shared at American Indian Adoptees...thank you dear friend

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  2. This case was for me the nail in the coffin. The American adoption industry has succeeded in brainwashing people to believe that adoptive parents are equal to natural parents, not that adoptive parents are replacement parents for a child who truly needs them.

    As an adopted person, I have nothing but disdain for Christy Maldanado. I cannot find it in my heart to have any understanding or compassion for this woman. The pain of seeing Ronnie taken away from her large extended family is more than I can bear. When I see the beautiful family that Ronnie comes from, where she fits in and belongs, and is so very happy, I cannot feel anything but contempt for any mother who could do this to her child.

    Yes, we did fail this child. We failed her so miserable, there are no words.

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    1. You got that right, Robin. This sense of entitlement of the Capobiancos comes from believing they deserve Veronica, that their love for Veronica is absolutely and completely equal to anything her family can give her - actually better, because they got her at birth. And they were not even Veronica's adoptive parents when she was handed over to her father!!

      I don't know what will ever change this way of thinking. When we were prospective adoptive parents a few years ago, everyone emphasized to us how the child would be "ours" in every way. And so of course that's what the Capobiancos believe - that Veronica became "theirs" when she was placed in their arms and Dusten Brown snatched her away. Now, at last, they have got back "their" child where she will be happiest because, after all, she always was truly "theirs."

      The biggest problems that spelt doomsday for Veronica were: (1) the law makes it really easy to treat unwed fathers like dispensable nobodies and remove them from the picture; and (2) when the Supreme Court of South Carolina decided to ignore this 4 year old, clearly thriving with her family, by rejecting a best interests analysis.

      I am feeling tired and defeated, too sick to do anything but exist side by side with these members of society who think nothing of depriving Veronica of her fundamental rights. Kudos to you, Cassi, and some of the commenters here on your show of spirit.

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    2. Money bought Christy Maldanado. Reading over the transcripts of Dusten's mother, Christy told Dusten to go find someone else - no explanation. I believe she had already accepted a money deal with Nightlight. Christy never accepted the Brown family calls. Everyone knows the timeline after...we are looking at a public relations campaign for the billion dollar adoption industry. Money won. Trafficking in babies? Definitely.

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    3. And what you are talking about Jay is how adoption is always thought of in terms of the adoptive parents. How much the APs will love the child, how much they will think of the child as their own. When I try to tell people my feelings about adoption, they often respond with "but your APs love you so much". I try to tell them I'm not talking about how my APs feel towards me, I'm trying to talk about my feelings about actually being adopted. Most people look kind of dumbfounded. They are so used to everything about adoption being from the APs' perspective. It does gets rather frustrating.

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    4. Robin I absolutely see how the love your APs might have for you is distinct from your emotions as an adoptee. I cannot presume to know those emotions, not being an adoptee myself, but I can see how they are distinct.

      I want to use this opportunity to commend our adoptions social foster (we adopted from the foster system). The first thing she said to us when she met us is, "This is not about you wanting a child, this is about a child in need of a home." We also had to do kind of a hokey but insightful exercise where we were asked to write down everything we pictured our child to be - age, gender, looks, character traits, the works. Then we were asked to tear up the paper and throw it away - again, the point being this is not about the child you envision for yourself. We also were told, of course, that our primary goal always must be reunification. Many foster-adopt parents, I found, didn't take that "reunification" goal very seriously. They were always looking for points to criticize about the birth parents, or making their rehabilitation journeys difficult so that they, the foster parents, would get to adopt the children.

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  3. A dark day for justice. A dark day for hope. For good.

    This is so wrong on so many levels words fail to list them.

    You are so right though. The fight must go on, regardless. For the sake of other children still fighting to be given their rights. For Veronica so her story remains out there so everyone can see the travesty of this injustice.

    Sending you much love today Cassi, from one broken heart to another. (((Hugs)))

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  4. Feeling anger, sadness, and outrage with you today.

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  5. I am a licensed, college educated health care professional. Some very wise words by Pope Francis this week, "The world has become an idolator of this god called money." Wasn't this really the bottom line for Veronica Brown? From Justice Roberts, on down to all the other "officers of the court" who let her go to the highest bidder. Cowards, every single one of them. Along with the Capiobanco couple, all are idolators of the god called money. Please don't argue the case with me. Not necessary. Have followed the case for some time, read court documents, etc. There is no humane reason this beautiful little girl should have been pulled away from her family. No matter the salvos, the unethical behavior those involved in this case threw out, Dusten Brown carried himself as I probably could have never done given the same situation. What did you really win tho Matt and Melanie? When she is old enough to get on the computer, you will think this time today is a cake walk in comparison. I evision this little girl growing up and in spite of and because of this horrible decision perhaps she will be instrumental making a change for other children. Possibly being an Indian Nation attorney fighting for their rights which were stripped from her. There will come a day when she will be home with her family. I pray that day is before this "adoptive couple" destroy her.

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    1. If money talks so loud, why didn't the Indian Tribes of America get together to buy her back? Sounds harsh but that's what you're accusing the Caldanado's of.

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    2. Unfortunately the laws are not sympathetic to unwed fathers like Dusten Brown - so the Indian Tribes, even if they offered money as a resource to him, acted too late. The money and the associated greed of the adoption industry is so vast and widespread that it trumps anything other people or groups might offer

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  6. I literally was bawling when I saw on the news that the Capobiancos had gotten her. I hope they burn in hell. One day she will ask why they took her from her father that fought so hard for her. The C's never cared for Veronica or they would have let her stay with her father and realized she was never in need of an adoptive family, she had/has a family. I am still holding out hope that there is a way that Dusten Brown will get his beautiful baby girl back.

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  7. Ditto to all of the above. Justice was not done, racism and white privilege won.Veronica is now an only child, an adoptee wanting her family, too much loss and trauma.How can that be right?

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  8. Cassi I would ask that you please continue Dusten Brown's story in your style that makes such a powerful impact. This violation of human rights needs to be memorialized.

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    1. Please, please, please. I second that. I think the way you wrote "VRB A Father's Fight" inserting the court testimony to prove your point is brilliant. I truly believe it will be one of the best overviews Ronnie will have of everything that happened to her. Your incredible writing your ability to make complex concepts so easy to understand is such a precious gift, but I wouldn't be surprised if sometimes it also feels like a curse.

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  9. I can't stop thinking about all the friends and family of The Capobiancos. So, I can reason that both Matt & Melanie are completely misguided, narcisstic, etc. But what of all their family and friends? Has not one person in their life noticed the grave mistake they have made and continue to make? Can an entire community of family and friends stand by and support this? I find myself praying that when Veronica gets to SC, and is devasted with grief, someone, some brave person--whether a family member or friend--will challenge this selfish couple and hold a mirror to their faces. I just wish someone could break through their entitlement and convince them to just let Veronica go home. I know it's a fantasy, and that groups of people are even less likely to behave in an ethical manner than individuals--I guess I'm hoping for a miracle here.

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    1. Jennifer, look at the "Save Veronica" Facebook page. Almost 12,000 people think the Capobiancos are the true parents of Veronica. Now granted there are almost as many supporters on the Veronica Brown Facebook page, but when at least 50% of society feels the way the Capobiancos do, do we have a prayer of changing attitudes? I hope so, but am feeling very defeated at the moment.

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    2. Jay the Save Veronica page was run by Trio Solutions. IF you looked at it in off hours- the numbers boosted in the middle of the night sometimes. they made fake profiles often and promoted those as supporters. also- their page has been up for 2years. the brown page was up for 2 months-- get it? the browns got the same number of supporters in a fraction of the time AND they didn't have to pay a PR company to make up fake profiles. so I wouldn't say it's 50/50

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    3. Thanks, Anon at 10:07 pm, for reminding me that the relative numbers are colored by the slick and aggressive "SVR" PR campaign that's been ongoing for years now. Still, I think adoption reform is going to need numbers and momentum at the level of what it took to abolish slavery, before attitudes (and laws) change.

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  10. I am with you Cassi. And I don't understand either why no one in the C's inner-circle thinks what they've done is an atrocity for this little girl! They're all planning a homecoming party with cake and purple balloons when Veronica has just experienced a trauma that hasn't even taken full effect on her yet. Shame on them. Shame on the entitlement, the selfishness, the narcissism, the spoiled-rotten "gotta have my way" attitude they're displaying. In winning this battle, I believe they will lose the war. Veronica will return home, to Oklahoma, as soon as she is able.

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    1. The use of purple balloons is rather telling. It is public knowledge that Ronnie's favorite color is pink. Doesn't surprise me though. Maybe the Crapo's favorite color is purple. They do seem to always think of themselves first. Ronnie's pink bedroom in her daddy's house was to die for.

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    2. I'll bet her bedroom was a pink oasis for her!! I think I'm actually more disgusted today than last night. Perhaps that half a million dollar lawsuit against Veronica's poor Daddy colors my view a bit.:/ Creeps.

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    3. I've seen pictures of the bedroom the Crapos have for her. It's not pink.

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    4. Ronnie had a better bedroom at her Dad's- a much bigger back yard- lots of pets, lots of real family- again- emphasis on REAL FAMILY

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  11. Boycott Dr. Phil! I do not plan to watch him anymore. He didn't give the Brown family the time of day. As for Troy Dunn my adopted daughter reached out for his help in locating her biological mother, and she didn't get her foot in the door, No reply at all. Also faxed 60 pages to Sylvia. Her reply was $3500.00 up front. They weren't interested in helping--just $$$. Meanwhile we pray for Veronica. One report yesterday that I heard was--Veronica remembersand she is happy. Believe that?????

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  12. In the CNN report --who was the older young girl sitting in the back seat with Melanie and Veronica?

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  13. What I want to know is HOW THE HELL DID VERONICA END UP BACK WITH HER ADOPTIVE FAMILY? I only know of the case what I've read from the court transcript from the trial in 2010 because I felt it was the best way to get a feel of this case. The exact words of those involved, in court, under oath. The deception and manipulation seemed so blatantly obvious on the side of the C's I thought for sure that is why Dusten had regained custody of Veronica. What happened? How in the hell did the C's regain full custody? Is everyone blind to the deception that I thought was blatanly obvious? My blood is boiling and my heart is aching for Veronica.

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  14. Sadly the only support Veronica will receive is the support that her adoptive parents deem appropriate for their family. Since they do not view her adoption as a loss for her, she will be expected to meet the expectations of her adoptive family. She will be expected to be happy to be with them, and to view them as mother and father. If she feels differently they will most likely send her to counseling in which they choose the provider of care. Do you think they will choose someone who is not sympathetic to the Cap's and their issues in making Veronica accept them? Veronica now has a role to fill in making the Cap's happy. After all they fought for her and she will be expected to be grateful for their sacrifices. Her loss is a burden to the adoptive family and I predict will not be accepted or tolerated. The burden of the infertile has been cast on the shoulders of a small child.

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  15. Everyone,
    Whether you are attending a rally tomorrow, Friday, September 27th, or not, let's all wear PINK to show our support for Veronica.

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    1. I agree 100%. I'll be wearing pink tomorrow for Veronica!

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    2. I hardly own any pink but I'll find some pink and wear it for Ronnie Brown.

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  16. After writing my first post on my new blog, in sadness for what will happen to Veronica, I've already started receiving hate mail. It's sad how vicious people become in support for their "truth." Why can't we simply say that we grieve for this little girl's loss, period? Without the politics and mudslinging and hate fest? This little girl lost more than she should ever have to lose. Let's focus on that.

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    1. Beautifully put - I can't imagine anyone not acknowledging that this little girl has suffered enormous loss

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  17. Off topic but YUCK...what is the Agape Project?? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-lTnZXeSli0&feature=youtu.be

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  18. my name is Lisa, I know this pain!! 17yrs ago the white man took my kids away from me...the cpl paid 50K for my boys, I fight day in and day out for 4years only to lose my sons are now comming home/back... but they dont know me I cant be a mother to them... but my heart was empty for so long... keep fighting dad!!! never give up!!!

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  19. Holy crap. What has been going on in adoptionland?!

    I caught the very tail end of the Baby Veronica case; still not entirely sure what happened, but wow. The sheer amount of triggers and emotional meltdowns from both first mothers and adult adoptees is just... wow.

    I am so sorry.

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  20. Be brave little Veronica, there are things we don't understand, you will wonder every day where is my daddy? Why don't they come get me, this house is strange, these people are different... They may give you gifts, toys, things, but where is my family? Please don't cry. Keep them in your mind, cause they will think about you everyday, every holiday, every birthday. Don't be afraid, keep on keeping on, for they will never forget you. Your destiny is changed by the society we live in. Your fate has been changed but you will one day want to know the truth. Hopefully, you will remember everyone who has been fighting for you to stay with the father who has been with you through the short time you have been on earth. Don't let them take away your memories. It is a tragedy but one day you will get those who love you back in your life. Keep the faith, Veronica. It is not right for people to take you away from your real family. Judge Roberts rules for the Supreme Court, taking liberties on Native American Families to tear them apart from your biological roots, your Native culture, broken like a tree in the Rain Forest torn-out by the roots. We hear you crying, whimpering at night because you miss the people you have grown accustom to in your four short years on Mother Earth. We won't forget you, never forget that we love you.

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  21. You know they shut down the Save Veronica Rose facebook page...I can't wonder if the adoptive parents payed these people who put it up. When I dared try to say anything other how wonderful the Capobiancos were I was immediately harassed. In MI we had a case like this, and the birth parents got the child back. One family was upper middle class, the other lower middle to slightly below (birth parents). I made the mistake of choosing the adoptive family. Now I read that the little girl is angry at the adoptive family for not turning her over immediately. I pray for healing for the child Veronica and that she learns the truth.

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  22. Sorry to hear about your story. Continue to pray.

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  23. The Capobiancos, along with those PTB, have cut out the Heart of the Brown Family. I wonder if the want it served hot or cold. Crude, but that is what they did.
    This is the worst case of abuse of the system that I have ever known. I am so dismayed at the way our own Governor Mary Fallen used her power to Aid and Abett the Capobiancos. And just in My Opinion, another slap in the face of the American Indians.

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  24. You are right. I reunite all kinds of separated families for free and I mean totally free in my spare time I have (or had) a regular job in a totally separate industry. I reunited my own family and found great satisfaction in it and would like nothing more than to end all practices which cause the separation to begin with. I've been approached by ABC producers for Find My Family and other shows and the way they wanted to do things was so gross and objectifying that I actually told producers to Fk off I did not need their help. They only want happy adopted people with happy adoption stories who have never been in trouble who have no psychological issues and won't seal the deal and finish the reunion process if they find mother's and fathers with criminal histories, drug abuse or psychological issues. I mean they locate them and then won't tell the adopted people who they are. They wanted to psych test all the people I was helping and back ground check them and I said hell no your not doing that to them your not going to build their hopes up and then drop them for not being squeaky clean. I give my passwords away to everyone I'm not afraid I trust that the people who need my help won't take advantage of me. I've reunited over 200 families and all of them say right a book or get paid and I said that it does not feel right to me. I don't know a circumstance where I would feel I was not exploiting, there might be such a circumstance but it has not been presented to me yet. I am in one documentary being filmed by Alana Newman who is donor offspring that I'm helping I'm hesitant but she's not doing it for commercial success and I was not paid. She's my friend. I'm commenting on the Troy Dunn and Dr. Phil comment because I feel so uneasy about the prospect of anyone ever saying that I need family separation to continue in order to support myself financially. I want it to end full stop. I don't want to spend my time reuniting families its unnecessary for anyone to have to find their families they should just know all along who they are because they are with them. If they cannot be with them for safety reasons they should not have to pay for their care by loosing their rights or identities.

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