Thursday, May 9, 2013

Remembering On Mother's Day

It’s that time again, isn’t it.

Time for Mother’s Day and Birth Mother’s Day.

If anyone has read my blog long enough they already know my feelings and opinions about Birth Mother’s Day.

And I don’t want to go there again this year. 

Instead, I just want a post that remembers the many mothers who have lost their children through adoption who will hurt this Mother’s Day while so many others celebrate.

Remembers those who face days where they can’t stop the tears.  Can’t stop the pain.

Those who are hurting so bad inside but are forced to hide it from so many.

The mothers who had to learn the reality of coercion in the worst of ways, the loss of their child.

The ones who had to face such terrible heart-breaking loss all over again when their promised open adoptions closed.

Nobody wants to think or acknowledge loss and pain on a day like Mother’s Day.  But the fact is, adoption has, and will continue, to cause many women to suffer on a day meant to celebrate the mothers they became when they carried and gave birth to their babies.

Believing they weren’t good enough for their children, signing a paper to terminate their rights, did not strip them of a mother’s love.  It didn’t erase the reality that they are, and always will be, connected to their child.

So many adoptive parents will celebrate on Sunday without realizing that the loss and pain they may have struggled with during the time when they were unable to have a child of their own, is now the terrible loss and pain their child’s First Mother must live the rest of her life with as Mother’s Day comes year after year and they are forced to remember the child that is theirs, but isn’t. 

And so much of society will never know about the many mothers who suffer and ache on this particular Sunday in May.  If they think of loss on that day, they will think of women who have faced infertility.  Mothers who have lost a child through death.  Even mothers who may be estranged from their children.

But most won’t think of the mothers who have lost their children to adoption because, so often, society itself, encourages these mothers to suffer such a terrible loss.  It’s actually believed their pain is somehow worth it, somehow deserved for whatever failing these mothers are judged to have.

They are the forgotten mothers.  The invisible ones who aren’t expected to suffer from the loss of their children.

And yet, every single one of them deserves to be remembered.  Regardless of their experience, of whether not they are judged to be happy or bitter First Mothers, they deserve the acknowledgement that it is a terrible loss for any mother, who wanted her baby, to face a situation where she believed, for whatever reason, she couldn’t keep her own son or daughter and must, instead, give them up to others to raise.

It’s time to stop turning a blind eye to the hurt so many First Mothers suffer.  Time to remember them and their loss, their pain.  Hold them in our thoughts on a day that can, so often, remind them of everything they don’t have.  Of children that are theirs but aren’t there in their arms.  Of a motherhood they have and yet so many, including themselves at times, want only to deny.

It’s the very least that they deserve.  The very least we can do for them so that they no longer are forced to be invisible with their pain.  No longer forgotten.


  1. Thanks Cassi for writing this. I hope you are able to have a good day Sunday ~ despite adoption loss.

    As with many, if not most, mothers of adoption loss I have never been able to fully celebrate on that day. Oh, I have had some great days, enjoyed the love of my (raised) kids, but underlying that happiness was (and always will be) deep sorrow and loss.

    Happy Mother's Day to all my fellow mothers of adoption loss!

  2. A very powerful post and I wish you all the best at this terrible time for you.It is important that adoptive parents, like myself understand the feelings of the mothers our children come from. I'm glad I found your blog and read your post.

  3. Do First Mothers have a ribbon? If not, all of you need (and deserve one) to wear the week of Mother's Day. It may initiate questions which would give all of you an opportunity to explain the darkness of adoption. One of the design of the Lost Mothers blog would be pretty, those purple flowers. Anyway to all the mothers out there hurting today because of adoption this is one adoptee that wishes I could take your pain away. Your child could have been lied to about you and that is why they won't look for you. To mother's who have a had a falling out, well, three simple words. Never stop trying. And to all us adoptees in pain today due to damn adoption I say the same three simple words.

  4. Hi Cassi, I arrived at your blog after slowly but surely becoming more and more enlightened about the injustices in the adoption industry. I know you sometimes have wondered whether all your writing really serves to change the minds of die-hard "adopters." I am here to tell you that you, and other first mothers like you, have indeed changed my way of thinking.

    I am an adoptive mother who started out on my journey with a fervent desire for a child - it was all about my needs, not the child's best interests or the first family's sorrow. I ended up fostering a little girl and reunifying her with her first mother (if you feel like it, you can read my story at: That experience changed my life and introduced me to the reality of how manipulative baby adoptions can be in this country.

    I have since read a number of first mother blogs and my heart aches for all of your pain. I really wish I could take it back. I did end up adopting a little boy who was in foster care because his entire family was riddled with abuse. There was no hope of him being able to go back to any of his first family members. What we are hoping to do is raise him in their image, and do them proud. I believe their hearts are in the right place, they just didn't know how to parent without abuse because of their own long history of abuse. Still, I wish adoption never ever had to happen. I love my little boy, but I wish his first mother or some other first family member had been able to raise him.

    It took me a while to realize that adoption for most people, including me at one time in my life, is driven by the selfish desire to satisfy the adoptive parent's need for a child. Please keep working to reform our thinking. I can tell you it has at least worked in one case - mine.

    I wish you the best, and really wish you had not gone through such a horrendous loss.

  5. Cassi...

    Hi--you've been absent for a long time, just checking in. Trying to get others to sign the petition to help Veronica Brown from getting adopted out. There is a link from my blog if you'd like to sign and/or spread the word. Hope you have just been really busy and are all good. I miss your posts.

    xxoo Jennifer

  6. I know this is unrelated to your post but I was wondering if you could direct me to some information. My father was adopted in 1965, his adoptive parents should have never been parents. I recently did dna tests and now I fear something may have gone horribly wrong in his adoption, people from his ethnic group aren't known for giving up their children and even when they do they wouldn't give them to an outsider (let alone a German woman).