Tuesday, September 11, 2012

No Humans Here

I love the movie, My Cousin Vinny.

One of my all time favorite scenes in that movie is when Vinny (Joe Pesci) is going hunting and he asks his girlfriend, Lisa (Marisa Tomei) if the pants he is planning on wearing are okay and part of her response to him when she is painting the image of a sweet little deer sipping from a brook right before being shot is . . .

Now I ask ya. Would you give a f**k what kind of pants the son of a bitch who shot you was wearing?”

I thought of that line the other day.  But this time there wasn’t any humor or laughter to go with it.  Just shock and disgust.

I was led to the  BLOG  of an adoptive mother who is out to adopt – I believe – a third child.

And of course, so often, getting that baby you want means having a meeting with the pregnant mother.

And for this adoptive mother who is seeking yet another women to give up her baby, one of the great concerns she faces is WHAT TO WEAR  when she first meets the woman who must first suffer a terrible loss, whose child must suffer a terrible loss, in order to satisfy her desire to become a mother to yet another child.

As I read what she wrote, all I could do was think . . .

You are about to meet a mother who, more than likely, is about to face the terrible separation from her child.  An unborn baby who isn’t yet aware of the loss of their mother, father, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins they will be forced to suffer.  And you really think it’s important to give a f**k about what you are wearing when you meet her for the first time.  That you actually believe you are doing good by having your fashion consultant speak up and offer advice on how best to dress and act to try and convince a desperate, frightened, pregnant mother that she should give her baby away to you.”

Can you say entitlement at its worst?  Can you get any closer to completely dehumanizing not just one human being, but two, because one is the source that offers the other as the product you seek?

Do you not realize how many mothers would give anything to be able to afford shopping sprees at Nordstroms.  Not because it would mean they could go pick the racks for some kind of perfect outfit to convince others of their worthiness.  No . . . for them, it would mean they might actually be able to afford diapers and clothes for their child.  Might actually not have to give their child away to strangers because they had something, some kind of means to keep and raise their child.

It’s just . . . back to that frustration.  That head hitting against the wall.

I get it, I really do, when it comes to how we look and carry ourselves because it can be a big deal when we so desperately want a job and are hoping, more than anything, that we are seen as the perfect “candidate” for the position.  When there is the crucial first date and we want to look our best, feel our most confident.

Yes, we are still trying to impress others, doing whatever we can to convince them to choose us over anyone else they might be considering. 

But the difference is, there is not the lives, the loss, the heartbreak of other living, breathing human beings involved.  You want a job . . okay.  You want the chance of a second date . . . okay.

But what about wanting a mother to give away her child . . . Hoping to be chosen as the strangers a baby will be given to after being taken away from their mother, the one person they know and trust after nine months of being an intimate part of them.

There should be a huge difference in those situations.  A realization of how shallow and insensitive it is to actually worry about what to wear when meeting a mother who is facing a lifetime of grief from losing her child.

But that’s just the way of things, isn’t it.  Mom’s like the author of this blog, don’t really have to view pregnant mothers as human, don’t have to consider the loss their unborn children will face right after birth.  Because who they are, what they are, has been so diminished in the world of adoption, that they are regularly seen and treated as the not-really humans who can’t possibly know or feel the terrible loss of a child, a mother, in the way “real” humans do.

And see, that is what gets me, what I can’t understand, though I have tried to, over and over again . . .

How can these mothers, who know loss with their own reality of infertility, really be a part of causing another mother such terrible loss?

How can they see nothing wrong with worrying about what is the right outfit to wear to convince another mother to lose her child to them?  How can they celebrate, be excited and gleeful in the expected separation of a child from his or her own family when they have faced their own realities of the grief inflicted when a child, or even the hope of a child, becomes not something to celebrate, but something to grieve because of the loss that comes to reality.

And see, that’s just where I have to believe that the women desperately hoping another women will give them a baby to call their own, really don’t, and probably never will, see pregnant mothers, or their unborn children, as actual, equal human beings.

They are less than . . . they have to be.  

How else could any woman who has suffered the loss of even the hope of being pregnant with a child of her own actually see absolutely nothing wrong with dressing right, acting right, doing whatever it takes so that they can convince another woman to know the suffering of not the hope of a child, but instead the very real, the very heart-wrenching reality of giving away their child?

Those pregnant mothers and their unborn children that desperate adoptive couples target can never be seen as equally “human” because to see them as so would take away from their conviction of being worthy of, deserving of, some other woman’s child.

It would dampen the belief of so-called heroes who supposedly are so strong they can just go around handing their babies away to strangers.  Would change the false declarations of love and admiration for mothers who fall in line with the expectations of admitting their failures, their inability to be a good mother to their children when compared to those who know the loss of a child - - just by never having the experience of giving birth to one of their own - - and are willing to be a part of a mother experiencing even a worse loss because they are more “worthy” of a child than she, as a “not so human” could ever be.

We, and our unborn children, do matter.  We are humans, just as you are.  Just as worthy and important as any one of you could ever be.

Not one of us deserved to lose our children.  Not one of us should have ever, or should ever, have to go through the horror of losing our child while someone else is so much more concerned about whether or not their clothes, their actions, are good enough to convince a mother to give away their child to them.

Step away from your entitlement and step back into the grief and loss you know.  When you are there, do you really believe you are more deserving of another woman’s child?  Do you really view a pregnant mother and her unborn child as so much less-human than you that you see nothing wrong with fretting over the “perfect” outfit and getting advice on how best to dress and act to convince that desperate, frightened woman to give you her child.

Do you really believe that, somehow, that mother and her unborn child are so much different than you, so much more “unhuman” than you are? That they deserve to live a life of such grief and loss so that your own struggles can be healed by the sufferings of another?

Are you really that special?  Do you really mean that much to the overall collection of the human race that women and children should lose, should hurt, should suffer, so that you can gain? 

Do you really believe that you are somehow a better human then they ever could be because you deserve a child while they deserve only grief.  Because you have earned the right to worry about what is the right outfit to wear while they are losing their child, suffering the worst grief that is imaginable to a parent, because they haven’t yet “earned” the right to their own child. 

Because whatever they are, whatever they might be, can never compare to the worthiness of those who give a f**k about the clothes they wear when having that first meeting with a pregnant mother who will, hopefully, give them the child they deserve.

Because you have hurt, you have suffered.  And that is what matters.  What is important.

You are the true human beings to care about.  Your pain and loss is what is important.

Because you have earned enough, been successful enough, to be accepted as worthy.

And as for those “other” moms . . .the ones carrying “helpless creatures”  . . . well . . . they aren’t exactly human, not in the deserving and worthy kind of way.  So let them lose, let them be victims to desperate couples so entitled they can seek “experts” to tell them how to dress, how to act, to convince a vulnerable, desperate mother to give them her child.

Because really, who is going to care?  Who has ever cared?

Their loss doesn’t matter because they can never lose enough to be worthy of being treated as equal, worthy, human beings.  They aren’t enough . . . they won’t be enough . . .

And that is . . . in every way . . . the true reality of adoption and its treatment of mothers and children never able to be good enough to be considered and viewed as equal human beings to the money and privilege already determined worthy because wealth, success and the ability to write the required checks, determines the worthy humans.

The “worthy” ones us undeserving pregnant mothers and our unborn children will never know.  Or ever have society believe we have the “right” to know.  Because we are less than and, sadly . . .

We will always be.


  1. Couldn't bring myself to read the blog link... not today. You hit the nail on the head when you talk about them seeing us not as human beings. They cannot see us that if they are to sleep at night and look in the mirror. They have to see us as less than human beings; undeserving creatures so they can happily help themselves to our children.

    Instead of their pain making them strive to do some good in this world, it has turned in on themselves and they have become self pitying. Poor them, can't have a baby so entitled to another mother's ahem, my baby that this creature is just carrying for now.

    And this is why I keep saying love is non existent in adoption. Love, empathy, compassion. These things really do not exist because if they did, they would be the annoying voice of reason and conscience which would get in the way of what people want - either the baby or the money depending on who it is.

    So in their minds, they create us into something else. Some worthless being who does not deserve sympathy, empathy or compassion. And this helps them swallow what they are doing to another person. If it was done to them, you can bet we would hear all about it and do, often in the term "failed adoptions". Sad.

    1. You are so right Myst. And, you know, just like we do get to hear all about how heart-breaking their failed adoptions are - just like their infertility - you see so much how they don't really give a damn, no matter how much they pretend, about those poor, suffering half-humans losing their children.

      Even on the blog post I linked to, the author and a commenter are talking, of course, about the disgtusting b***hmother term. And the author makes it seem like the offense against using such a disgusting term is nothing more than a flighty feeling some feel and some don't. To her, it doesn't really have any meaning nor have any reason why she should give a damn about it.

      But, could you imagine if I were to go on her blog and even dare to suggest that she should be proud of the title of "infertile woman." If I even dared to suggest other women have embraced the title of "infertile" because that is what they are and what God meant them to be..

      It would be absolute chaos, wouldn't it? We can never suggest that these women who so despeatey want our babies should be proud of being, and titled "Infertile."

      But for us "Less-Than" Humans, who don't now and never will deserve the same care and respect, it's perfectly okay for them to go around and make a mockery of the disgusting title of b***hmother, because it means so much less than what they deserve, as worthy humans, to be labeled. We are just those "no-nothing" woman who need them to decide for us what is offensive and what is not, especially in the guidelines of what makes them feel best about their situations.

      But they . . . well they are the worthy ones who deserve the respect of no one ever daring to go around titling them for life as those "infertile women."

    2. Ahhhh and cue the sad sacks!

      Yes you are so right... and look what we have below; a perfect, textbook example of exactly what you were saying above. She wants to attack other women for daring to have children but then is okay to take said children away and covet them for herself. Typical adoptress really. Even the wording... "why can't we be happy?" well that is obvious if it is at the expense of other people... sheesh, some people still amaze me with their intense selfishness and greed.

  2. we take your children and we raise your children that you can't do. I'm so worn exhausted from those like you telling us what we can and cant enjoy. we don't get to know what being pregnant feels like and that is so terrible to feel. we should desedrve the right to be happy about the chance at becoming mothers ho ever we possibly can.

    Why can't we be happy? don't you see that we deserve it too. I'm so tired of hearing the whining of girls who couldn't possibly have raised their children but wnat to make sure no other women gets to celebrate becoming a mother.

    1. E











      Thy name is JustAnotherMom.

      Unless you became a mother through foster care adoption, you may consider keeping your comments to yourself. Your entitlement and condescension are pretty darn apparent with your comment "we should desedrve the right to be happy about the chance at becoming mothers ho ever we possibly can."[sic, spelling errors and all].

      NEWSFLASH: You don't **DESERVE** a child. No one does. You don't have the **RIGHT** to a child. The natural REAL parents are the only ones who have a **God-given RIGHT** to a child. The fact you are blinded by your covetous baby-lust and your worshiping at the golden calf of a "perfect" family does not change this fact. You are NOT entitled to another woman's child. Ever. PERIOD.

      Just as folks like you tell whining girls such as myself we should just accept God's will, perhaps **you** should have just accepted your childlessness as God's will. Instead of contriving to be a "mother" by hook or by crook, perhaps you should have accepted God's original plan for YOUR life. Which was a child free life. Did you ever consider the possibility it is YOU who screwed up in the long run by not trusting God's timing and plan for your life? It is YOU who did trust God's will in your own life so you went out and "ho ever" you possibly could, made yourself a "mother"?

      I am sorry you are so bitter in your "mother"hood. I will pray for you. I hope you find peace in your infertility which continues to exist even though you are raising some other woman's child and pretending it is your own. (Oh wait, you say your aren't pretending? Have you look at the birth certificate yet? Yeah, you know the one I am talking about. The one that has YOUR name listed as having given birth to some other woman's child. That is called PRETENDING, even if it is legally sanctioned pretending).


      P.S. Perhaps you might consider some spelling & grammar lessons prior to posting your entitlement speech.

      P.P.S. If you DID in fact adopt via foster care, then ignore most of this. Adoption via foster care doesn't mean you get to play the entitlement card, but it does mean you were actually HELPING A CHILD WHO NEEDED A FAMILY, not helping yourself to a child. Can you see the difference or the shading too subtle and nuanced for you? Let me spell it out more clearly then: Adoption should be about FINDING HOMES FOR CHILDREN WHO TRULY NEED THEM, NOT FULFILLING YOUR BABY LUST.

    2. Not sure I can say it any better than how it was stated above. So I will just say this... It is responses
      Like justanothermother's that puts more fuel to my fire. What was written just goes to show the truth in how adoption parents think of us Mother's. I know I only speak for myself but I know of many other mothers that regret the day of signing those papers of our rights over to another person. I don't think it is fair of you at all to call any of us whining women that couldn't take care of our children. Believe that had I known then what I know now I would of do e everything possible I could find in my power to parent my daughter. I have lived in nearly 17 years of depression n pain due to another woman doing, saying, and feeling this entitlement such as you hold and freely express here. It sickens me to think that you would even dream to speak this way to a group full of women that hurt every day over a decision that has changed not only our lives, but our children's lives AND several of others such as grandparents, siblings, fathers, and the list goes on. Adoption changes people for the worst and I am here to prove it!! U need to take your self righteous self over in to another group and keep your thoughtless comments off of this blog!!

      Donna Boldt

    3. Ah JustAnotherMom - is it safe to assume you are the same one who has, in the past, made your ridiculous comments and then run off?

      There is nothing I can say better than what has already been said to you. Plus, after certain previous encounters with you, I just don't believe you are worth my time.

    4. JustAnotherMom, I agree with all of the replies above and there is really nothing more to add. You're outnumbered here, hun!

    5. JAM, are you writing down your feelings or satire? It's sometimes hard to tell.

  3. Get over yourself! How dare you force your suffering onto another human being. You DON'T deserve to be happy at another's expense! Yes you take our children but we are more than happy to raise them - only why would you let that fact get in the way of what YOU want?

    Thank you yet again for proving everything Cassi just said above. Most of us could have raised our children - we didn't need the likes of you with your greed and your entitlement taking them so get over yourself and your sorry sack life. Not our fault you couldn't have a child and yet you had no issues forcing your loss on someone else. What a hypocrite you are. At least I can look into the eyes of MY children and not have the knowledge that I caused them and a mother loss. I am glad not to have that in my history.

  4. You are not a Mum. Adopted people like myself never think of the adopter as a Mum. Period. It was a bad decision and those kids will not thank you. That is the truth. Kid yourself for a brief period of time whild they are little but in the end you will know. We know we are adopted before we have a voice and we don't like it. Your kids will want to go home. You are not home. You are the mistake they resent and detest. You sicken me with your selfish, whiney self - entitlement. You adopters are all the same. It's not about you and you are too selfish and dumb to see it.

  5. AWWWWW...JustAnotherADOPTERMom; your just as pathetic as you can be, now aren't you.

    So, because your body failed you, it is someone else's duty to give you HER infant? This is where the delusions and entitlement come from and quite frankly, it is sickening.

    Women like this are so blinded by their jealous hatred of women who CAN become pregnant when they CAN'T that they make it their duty to dehumanize and degrade the mother's of the children they covet. We are human beings who deserve to keep and raise our own children. We don't need your help and you don't deserve our children, point blank. Get out and stay out of lives you never belonged in; in the first place. Unfortunelty, there are many among us who mistakenly went through with adoptions that should have NEVER happened, so we have to live with the fact crazy, entitled infertiles think they own our flesh and blood, while they treat us as we don't exist or are not even "human."

    We are, that is why they are all scrambling around, doing their best to keep their delusional fantasy land's alive by denouncing the truth we real and natural mother's speak. I love the internet and how it allows our voices to be heard. I also love how it makes them all squirm in their entitled, holier than thou seats. We are here to stay, oh entitled adopters of the world. Get used to it; and we aren't going anywhere... Too bad for you.

  6. Why do you even read adoptive mom's blogs?

  7. Why do adopters stalk first mother blogs? I for one don't read adopter mommy blogs, if not for a few seconds while I can stomach them. The entitlements and delusions are too sickening to stick around for...

  8. Srsly, why do adopters read fmom's blogs and why do fmoms read adopter's blogs?

    If you don't like it, don't read it. Why read and comment or spend the time and energy writing an entire blog post about it. Why read an adopter's blog in the first place?

    Don't want to offend, but I don't get it.

    1. I read the adoptive parent blogs on my side bar regularly because, though I might not agree completely with them and they might not agree completely with me, they do at least take the time to try and learn about some of the darker truths in adoption and many actually add their voice to the fight for change.

      As for the other blogs of adoptive parents, I don't read them regularly but I do read them occasionally. Sometimes I learn from them and sometimes I'm disgusted by them but I feel I need to know what they are saying too - good or bad. And I write about what I read to try and put a face on those they are so carelessly talking about - a mother and child. Maybe, probably, they will never see anything past what they believe is due them for their own happiness. But somebody else might read what I write and be challenged to think differently, to see themselves or those who lose in adoption in any different way.

      I don't enjoy reading many of them but I do believe it is important to expose to others just how uncaring some of them truly are when they are not in the process of trying to convince a frightened, desperate mother to give them her child.

  9. I am glad she posted the link, even though I can't stomach adopter blogs.

    Perhaps a vulnerable young woman faced with an unplanned pregnancy won't go through with the biggest mistake of her life, when she reads how callous and cold adopters are to the child they covet's mother and make no mistake, they most certainly ARE. We are dehumanized to the highest caliber and it is sickening and disgusting; after we lost while they gained something they had no right to, as they so insanely think they do...

  10. As I read your blog-post, Cassi, Tina Turner's "Private Dancer" lyrics popped into my head. They definitely don't think of us as human. Here are the adapted lyrics. These are for you, JAM, and your ilk.

    They DON`T LOOK AT our FACES
    AND they DON`T ASK our NAMES
    They KEEP their narrow MINDs ON THE baby
    And the clothes they wear to steal your baby

  11. I am glad you posted the link, Cassi. I went and checked it out, and it is just as disgusting as I thought it would be. For those who wonder why someone would read an adopters blog, I read them to get a sense of who they are. If they see the tragedy that is adoption, I will read to see what their challenges are. I want to know what led them to that opinion. For those that are preaching all sugar and spice, I want to see how they operate and why they think the way they do. These people on the blog Cassi is referring to are truly despicable. The husband of the blogger is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, and he's charging people to "coach" them in how to con women out of their babies. I wonder if what he is doing is even considered ethical for his license. We all know almost anything goes legally. It may be something that needs to be reported. This alone is an EXCELLENT reason to check out adopters blogs. Good for you Cassi. Enjoyed the post.

  12. I read adoptive mother blogs to rejoice and share the joys of those compassionate adoptive mothers who adopted older children from foster care to provide a home for a child in need.

    And to learn and expose the tactics of the other type of adoptive parent. The ones who covet a child and create unecessary adoption to cure their infertility. Vulnerable pregnant women need to be warned so that they and their children will not become commerce of the adoption industry.

  13. To Just Another Mom:

    Why would you write such cruel things upon the heart of a woman that's already been broken? No matter your belief system, no matter your opinion, what motivates an individual to throw daggers at an online community of women who have suffered one of the most profound traumas? It's not only that I disagree with the content of your opinion, but I disagree with your "form" of expressing that opinion. I don't know you and therefore cannot judge you personally, but the signature you left here leaves me feeling most indignant.

  14. Moreover, I felt my own sense of shame reading this post--I remember worrying about my own attire before meeting "Kendra," thinking that somehow my physical presentation mattered that day. But as soon as I met "Kendra," I made contact with reality. I didn't understand the traumatic reality in full cognitive force yet--it flew in the face of all my preconceived ideas of adoption, likely formed by the biased culture--but I FELT that what I was experiencing was not equating with those preconceived ideas. I was catapulted from joking about my bladder (how adoption would be better for my bladder than pregnancy) to sensing great trauma and consequently feeling much shame over my prior/ignorant thoughts/beliefs.
    So Just Another Mom--it's never too late to admit the horrors in adoption. There are plenty, if not a majority, of adoptive parents out there who realized this too late and at least work toward adoption reform etc. Acknowledging the pain behind adoption doesn't have to be a self-destruction for an adoptive parent. An adoptive parent, on the other hand, occupies the "most visible" position in the triad and has the potential to transform a culture toward family preservation.

  15. Yo, Mrs. R's blog. Cannot deal with it, with her, with all of it. I avoid, avoid. For some reason we had an on-going fight with her that went on and on and on. She would not quit.

    And we just had a lengthy trail of comments from adopters who were upset with our post about making PARENT a verb, as in "to parent." It gets bitter and nasty amazingly quickly. Kinda like the Middle East.

    xxx to you today.

    1. I liked that post. It made me realize that it's just one more way for them to con women into thinking their not really "giving away" their baby. It's used in a way that makes the mothers think they will still have contact with their baby. It doesn't surprise me they were upset. It's amazing that advertising for a product has rules and restrictions, but when advertising to convince someone to give their baby away there are no holds barred. The way these people use psychology to take a human being away from their family is beyond unethical.

    2. Using "parent" as a verb really bothers me and yes, it is just what the adoption industry ordered. Where is that post? I'd like to read it, but then again, I think I'll skip the adopters' comments.

  16. I don't understand how anyone could be against reform. I don't think anyone wants to do away with adoption entirely, as in cases with foster care, when abuse is an issue, or in the case of a true orphan. Obviously, in those types of cases the child is better off adopted. But what is wrong with doing away with pre birth matching, enormous profits, and ignoring the father? What is wrong with encouraging kinship care? Why not keep the original birth certificate, and issue an adoption certificate? Infertility does suck. The pain of being unable to have children is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. So is the pain of losing a child. Why diminish my pain by causing more pain? Why not provide a loving home to a child truly in need of one? I would think that an adoptive parent would prefer that the birth family was not forced to place. With social media, the child is likely to find out eventually, and then what? Better for everyone that there are no lies.

  17. Cassi, great post, and as usual great points.
    I especially like the 3 comments between you and Myst immediately following.
    I remember what I wore the day I met my son's potential adoptive parents, and I felt like I had to impress them (deep in the fog i was).
    your comparison with the Vinny movie was superb.
    thank you