Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Head Meet Wall

I keep starting a new blog post only to end up deleting it.

Start . . . delete.  Start . . . delete.  Start . . . delete.

It's not that I don't have anything to say.  The one thing you can always count on in the world of adoption is an abundance of topics to write about.  The myths, the loss, the coercion happens every day.  There is never a break when it comes to the reality of what the darker side of adoption truly is.

And yet I still find myself struggling because I have hit that point where I don't know anymore what to say, or how to say it, to actually make a difference.  To get people to listen.  To do something to protect pregnant mothers facing desperate situations.  To protect their innocent children who have no voice, no choice whatsoever in the futures being planned for them before they are ever even born.  To do something . . . anything . . . so fathers aren’t denied their rights to their own children.

At the end of so many days, I find myself with the urge to find a wall to smack my head into, over and over again.  With the same old question . . . Why? Why? Why?

Why are we so cold, so judgmental, so self-entitled as a nation that we really just don't give a damn about unnecessarily separating a child from his or her mother.  That we base our beliefs on material things to determine who is more worthy of having a child.

Why do we lag so far behind other countries in our understanding of the importance of Family Preservation?  Allow the billion dollar adoption industry the power to demean and destroy the importance of the bond between a mother and her child?  To throw a newborn baby into the arms of strangers and never question the damage that is done by doing so because the industry profiting off such terrible acts tells us it's good, it's about love, it's a wonderful act.  And like good, little trained followers, we nod our heads, repeat their mantra and encourage more of the same loss because that is what we have been told is the right thing to do.

A month ago, a Utah State Legislature stood in front of me and two adoptees and had no problem letting us know that, although she understood how b*#*hparents don't like Utah's unfair laws against father's and their rights, as an Adoptive Parent, she loved the laws.  She said it plain, simple and without hesitation.  She even said it with a smile.

A lawmaker.  Someone we are supposed to trust to make and uphold laws in the best interest of the citizens.  And not only did she not care about admitting how much she enjoyed and gained off of Utah's restrictive laws against fathers, she happily admitted to how she had gained because of such laws.

And that's it.  Our lawmakers, our voices in the media, our organizations created and supported to protect equal rights for all, don't give a damn about the abuse against pregnant mothers, fathers and their unborn children because so many of them have gained from that abuse.  So many of them have become parents, have gained babies to make their lives complete from the practice of coercion and manipulation that exists in the world of adoption.

Why would they want to stop that? Why would they want to protect those mothers, fathers, children, when doing so would remove their chance to become parents. Would restrict the opportunities available to them so they can have it all . . . marriage, money, career and then kids - in whatever way they can get them.

If they were to create the laws to protect vulnerable, pregnant mothers, unborn children, desperate fathers.  If they were to use their place and respect in the media to finally expose the dark truth behind adoption.  Use the resources of their organization to fight for the equal rights of EVERY human being, they would risk taking away that self-entitled belief of others like them whose success, wealth, marital status has earned them a right to a child. Whether it be one they gave birth to themselves or adopted from that less worthy mother who, somehow deserves the treatment she has been given. The outright ignoring of her rights, her child's rights. The denial of the abuse she is enduring. That mother, father, child, not good enough to be included in creating laws, exposing truths, fighting for rights, because their unworthiness is the gain of those who hold so much control.

And how do you combat against that? 

And not only that.  Because you can stand on the highest cliff, scream till you are red in the face.  Beg and plead for others to hear you, to take the time to research and learn themselves about the truths behind the billion dollar adoption industry and it still doesn't matter.  Still doesn't make a difference.

So much money has been invested in selling adoption as the "loving option" that the cries of those who suffer from the cruel reality of being separated from their mother, father, child, family, are not just ignored but actually doubted, criticized . . . attacked.

Adoptees, who have lived their entire lives in the reality that is adoption, are being told that they need to educate themselves about adoption.  

Their experiences, their feelings, mean nothing because they aren't following the script.  They aren't boosting the egos of those who adopt, or hope to adopt.  Aren't sharing how grateful they are.  How they only have one set of "real" parents - the mother and father who adopted them.  How their life would have been so terrible, so lacking, if it wasn't for the wonderful, saving act of adoption.

And First Moms are having it explained to them that the act of giving up their child is a loving, unselfish choice and that they just don't understand how hard it is to deal with the "loss" of infertility.

Because, you know, giving birth to and then giving away your child isn't really loss.  Not in any way that could compare to the loss of those who can't have children of their own and must depend on a fertile women to give them the "gift" of her child.

How does one even start to combat against that?  What is left to say, to do, that will make any kind of difference when so many just, really and truly, don't care.

When our lawmakers don't care.  Our judges don't care. 

When our media decides the dark truths of adoption are not worth exposing.  Our organizations created to help and protect the underprivileged, abused, denied, have absolutely no care or sympathy for pregnant mothers and their children.

What is the next step to take?  What are the magic words to get somebody . . . ANYBODY . . . to listen.

It's not like the proof isn't there.  Every adoptee in every state has their identity falsified with amended birth certificates.  Over seven million adoptees are denied their equal rights because they are adopted.

Stories of fathers having their rights and their children stripped away from them are growing more and more common.  Heck, there was even an undercover investigation that proved, without doubt, that adoption agencies encourage pregnant mothers to lie about the fathers, hide their pregnancies, and do whatever needs to be done to insure the fathers have no say or choice in the adoption of their own sons or daughters.

And what about the coercion and manipulation that pregnant mothers constantly face?  What about the fact that the adoption industry deliberately and intentionally targets our young daughters with the message that adoption is the right answer for unplanned pregnancies.  That our schools welcome those who teach that only certain women are deserving of being mothers and that it is perfectly okay, and actually encouraged, to not take responsibility for your own child but to instead walk away from that responsibility and be loved and praised for doing so.

Read a book - like Birthmother, Good Mother.  Take a course - like the Infant Adoption Awareness Training.  Visit the websites of those "helping" our daughters through their appearances in our schools – like Decisions, Choices and Options.

The proof is there.  And it is so accepted that there is no reason to try and even hide how outright coercive and manipulative they are.  It's encouraged, bragged about, held up as an "example" for what is good and right in the way our society views women deemed unworthy of being mothers.

And you can say it in a million different ways.  You can be kind and caring, patient and respectful, it really doesn’t matter.

Because the majority don't care enough to hear you.

Their concern is not for the children being taken away from their mothers, fathers, families, for the profits of the adoption industry.  It's not for the pregnant women, frightened and desperate, left to feel as if they have no other choice than to give their baby away to someone deemed more worthy than them to be a mother to their own son or daughter.

They don't care about the fathers who have laws so stacked against them it's close to impossible for them to have any rights to their own children.  About the grandparents who are helpless with absolutely no way to protect their grandchildren and keep them in the family.

What they care about is the image of the heart-broken, infertile couple who has proven their worthiness to be parents through the careers they have built, the bank accounts they have, the houses and vacations they enjoy.

Their hearts break for them and their struggles while caring nothing about the losses of mothers, fathers and children who are being unnecessarily separated for the gain of those couples.

Because none of us have enough to matter. 

We just don't.

Babies are, of course, born with nothing, not even a voice to ask to be spared the pain of being taken away from their family.  And so others become their voice and decide that the best thing would be for them to be given away so that a more worthy . . . a better . . . couple can become parents.

And the moms and dads . . . well they not only don't really matter, they also, pretty much, deserve what is happening to them.  Because they dared to have sex before being successful, financially stable and happily married.

They are those unmentionable animals who screwed around, opened their legs, asked for what they got, because they did what is part of nature - enjoyed the intimate, unquestioned satisfaction that is sex.

So give them what they deserve.  Ignore the coercion, the manipulation, the outright cruel acts that deny them any and all rights to their children.

They don't deserve anything good once society has decided they, and their acts, are so bad.  All that matters is they did wrong and don't deserve the same care and concern as all those women out there who are so right and so deserving of a "bad woman's" child.

And there is nothing you can say, write, scream with all the desperation you have, to bring any one of them down to a level where they stop judging, stop determing who is worthy and who is not, and actually care about what is happening to pregnant mothers and their unborn children in our day, in our country.

As much as I might try, I don't know the words that will work.  I don't know what I can say, what plea I can give, what fact I can share, that will do anything to make any kind of difference in how pregnant mothers, their unborn children, and so many fathers, are being treated.

Because so many don't even care to hear it.  Don't care about what is happening to those they view as less worthy.  Don't care because the more deserving are gaining from such treatment.  Are being given everything they deserve, regardless of the abuse that must happen to give them that.

And so really, what can I say anymore.  What is left when I am just another one among many who was undeserving, unworthy of protection.  Of care.  Of consideration.

My voice, to so many, is nothing because I no longer speak the "approved" script.  Because I am one of the "bad" who now dares to try and change the treatment I, and so many others, were victims to.

I can talk till I'm blue in the face.  I can slam my head against the wall in the worst of frustration until I'm bruised and bloody.  It isn't going to make a difference, make any kind of change to the many . . . SO MANY . . . who have already decided, judged and determined that moms, like me, deserved what we got.  That our children were nothing more than products to be exchanged.  And that those who are truly deserving have gained everything they are worthy of no matter the pain, loss, heartache caused to others in the process.

Because while they deserved our children, we deserved the hell.

And there is nothing we can say or do that will ever change that.

46 comments:

  1. (((Cassi))) Don't ever stop speaking up. I LOVE this post. Its honest and what is needed in the very one-sided adoption world.

    Perhaps we won't see change in our life times... however we might be part of the growing discord around the world that will see change in the future. The message needs to be out there, and your voice is so very important.

    Everything you said in this post rings so clear and so true - especially for those of us not wearing rose coloured glasses.

    xxx

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    1. Ah Myst, thanks. I'm still going, not ready to throw in the towel yet. Just frustrated with trying to find someway . . . anyway . . . to break through the ugly myths that are out there everywhere.

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  2. Wow. I went onto the "Decisions, choices, options" website and watched the two "Selling Adoption to Schoolchildren" videos that they showed. Of course, that wasn't the real title but certainly it is a far more honest title than pretending to present all three options in an unbiased fashion.

    I am not surprised that you feel such despair.

    I think it is important for people to read your links and watch those videos so those who wish to help girls and women make a TRULY informed decision can know how to offer a different point of view.

    Btw on the "Decisions, choices, options" video, I noticed that the AP presenter, Joi, has spun the usual "God chose someone else to grow him in her tummy for mummy and daddy" story to her son. To me, that always sends the message of "some people are there to be used for others".

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    1. ***"God chose someone else to grow him in her tummy for mummy and daddy"***

      Yes, I hate that message and it especially upsets me when I think of our young daughters having such a disempowering belief being placed into their head.

      That site and the videos were one of the topics I've been trying to write about. I was disgusted by it.

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  3. "(((Cassi))) Don't ever stop speaking up. I LOVE this post. Its honest and what is needed in the very one-sided adoption world."

    Totally agree with Myst, don't ever stop speaking up Cassi - we need you!

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    1. Thanks. Though I never meant to suggest I was going to quit, you guys are giving me an amazing boost to remember why I have to keep on going.

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  4. Oh, Cassie. I understand your despair, I really do. ("Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine." -- Mary Oliver) Sometimes I feel like I just keep writing the same blog post over and over again, and to what point? So that other adoptees and first parents can read it and say "oh, I totally get what you are saying"? If I am preaching to the converted, what's the point of doing it at all?

    The task in front of us is daunting, and it's not just a matter of fighting against the current practices of the adoption institution, it's also a matter of fighting the bias against those who choose to parent. How dare they?! I was both encouraged and discouraged to read this article: http://www.aclu.org/blog/womens-rights/whats-wrong-blaming-teen-parents ... discouraged because of the enormity of the problems it addresses but encouraged to see the ACLU taking up this cause.

    And then I open up the policy handbook for my local school area this week and read the policy on pregnancy, guaranteeing the right of the student to stay in school and to face no academic or extracurricular penalties for time missed for the birth. That may not seem like enough, given all that the parent will face beyond the school walls, but it's a far cry from the situation of my mother, who was kicked out of school for "showing" and had her National Honors Society pin taken away. It is progress.

    When I step back and take a wider historical, I see how long the pro-adoption propaganda machine has been at work and how the voices of dissent are a relatively recent addition. The voices of adoptees and original parents were silenced for so long. Now we are no longer silent. It may seem like we are shouting ourselves horse into the wind, but our voices are out there … for the first time. The institution of adoption is solidly built and we are making but the tiniest cracks. But we are making cracks.

    Also, you may never really know the full impact of your work. Consider this hypothetical scenario. What if one expectant mom went onto the Internet this week seeking information about adoption and ended up at your blog. What if she read things here that affected her deeply. She didn't leave a comment or any sign of having been here but went away determined to find a way to parent. If you could somehow know that this had happened, that you had prevented even one family from being torn apart, would you feel your week had been worthwhile?

    But anyway, thanks for writing this. I also second everything Myst said above me.

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    1. Rebecca - you are so right in every point you made. Though it feels like it is achingly slow, there has been change and there continues to be. Even in the difference between my experience as a pregnant teenager in the late 80's compared to my moms in 1970 is huge. Those are things I need to remember when I become impatient with the current culture around adoption.

      And I do actually know of a mother who has commented previously who has said that because of not only my blog, but all of our blogs, she did make the decision to keep and parent her baby and is so happy she did. That alone is reason to not give up. I agree with you!

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  5. Cassi - I do actually see a growing trend of AP's speaking up and you know what - they probably would never have had their eyes opened if adoptees and mothers had stuck to the script. Will there ever be a total conversion - no. Will there be more awareness and more and more making better, ethical choices - yes. But not if we give up.

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    1. I won't give up. I might scream and want to throw things, but I'll keep going. And you are right, there are more AP's starting to speak up for not just Adoption Reform but Adoptee Rights as well. Even reaching just one makes a difference. Must make a mental note to remind myself of that when I get frustrated.

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  6. You ask why continue ... to help a birthmother like me recognize my feelings of forever loss are real and shared by others.

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    1. Thank you both. Hearing this means so much to me!

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  7. Cassi - this is a wonderful post! I too feel despair about things ever changing. I couldn't even change my own sister's mind about adopting. I did my best to explain to her my heartbreak at losing my daughter - her niece - to adoption and also the heartbreak that so many adoptees go through. I couldn't even convince her to at least try for an ethical adoption She adopted domestic infants, both without the father's consent and she was involved in the doctor's appointments and at the hospital for the births. It really made me lose hope about trying to convince anyone at all.

    All that being said, I feel that by speaking up, even if it's just within my own circle of family and friends, will hopefully make people think twice. One of the main problems is that people have been sold the adoption propaganda for so long that it's ingrained in them, even if, no especially if they haven't been through the horrors of adoption. The other huge problem that you pointed out is that adoption benefits people in power and they have no desire to work against their own self-interest. That is why it's important to go on - because you are one of the mothers who can. You are articulate and intelligent and honest. We mothers who can have to speak out because there are so many who can't who are still being taken advantage of today. If the best I can do is be a reminder to the adopters that there is a woman out there suffering because they wanted a child, that's still an important task. If I can remind them that the children they adopted have another family and need that family in their lives too, I will have accomplished something. It's not where we want to be, but it's a start. I fully admit that I can't do this all the time, but I do my best.

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    1. "One of the main problems is that people have been sold the adoption propaganda for so long that it's ingrained in them." Well-said, Eileen. This is the crux of the problem as I see it. There are so many "myths" of adoption that are accepted unquestionably as truth. But we must keep chipping away at them! The waves of the ocean may seem to have no effect upon the rocky shore, but they will eventually turn those rocks to sand.

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    2. Great analogy Rebecca! It's very inspiring to compare it to the waves of the ocean. We definitely need to keep chipping away, but it's so hard sometimes. I admire all of you who blog and have to deal with it on a regular basis. There's only so many "I'm sorry you had a bad experience" type of comments that I can handle before I need a break.

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    3. ***If the best I can do is be a reminder to the adopters that there is a woman out there suffering because they wanted a child, that's still an important task. If I can remind them that the children they adopted have another family and need that family in their lives too, I will have accomplished something.***

      I agree so much with this. And I think, as theadoptedones said above, there are adoptive parents who are listening, who are getting it. The more I see pregnant mothers and their unborn children being dehumanized by so many in the world of adoption (a topic I'm trying to blog about as well) the more I realize we have to continue to bring a realness to the grief and loss that exists in separating a mother and child so that adoptive parents and hopeful adoptive parents remember that they are real, living, breathing human beings involved, not just opportunities to become parents.

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  8. This is one of the very best posts I have ever read. Sad because you are right. I have a post coming up this Saturday -part 3 Victims of Adoption and Lies: CONTROL THE MESSAGE, which has similar thoughts as you wrote here. I don't know how to give up and I don't want you to either Cassi...

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    1. I promise not to give up if you don't. Your voice is so strong and powerful Trace! I always love what you write on your blog.

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  9. It all seems like it should be so simple, doesn't it? Basic fact ~ Relinquishment causes life-long trauma. Any compassionate person would want to do whatever possible to avoid causing that life-long trauma. Right? Oh. Wait... You are talking about adoption? Never mind then.

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    1. Yeah, in adoption, if it makes sense then it's obviously wrong. Adoption reality is so far removed from true reality.

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  10. I think you are right. Blogging is futile. Most of the people who read the blog already support the cause. It is preaching to the choir. Adoptive parents feel attacked and stop reading.

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    1. If they feel "attacked", that is their own guilt. Anyone who has blogged, or follows blogs, know these types, and their responses are typical. They may say they won't come back, but they always do....even if they are just lurking. They are fearful of the truth- but they will know the truth when the product grows up and speaks against what was done to them and their natural parents.

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    2. Why would blogging be futile? That makes no sense given it is a well recognised way to communicate many ideas and opinions across a number of topics outside of adoption. If it was so futile, no one would bother blogging and yet, there are still so many blogs out there and an even larger number of people reading them so there goes the theory that blogging is futile.

      Adopters feeling attacked? Diddums. If speaking the truth about adoption is attacking them then it shows they are on the wrong side of truth.

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    3. Because what adoptive parents want will cause others pain.

      But that's just human nature.

      Note that I didn't say it was OK. I said it was human nature. I don't think there is any way to 'stop' people from desiring to adopt.

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    4. I'm not sure if my post made it sound like it, but I don't think blogging is futile. Yes, I find myself frustrated in what to say to try and make some kind of impact, but I don't really think it is a waste of time to write on this blog and try to make a difference if I can.

      And, yeah, I have learned, when adoptive parents feel attacked, its usually because I have hit a little too close to the truth and they don't like it.

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  11. Cassi,
    You may not be able to see or feel the effects your voice has--and maybe not in this lifetime as Myst pointed out. But there is a ripple effect, a butterfly effect, and who knows how many people on the edge of adoption come across your blog and finally get the "adoption truth."
    I can tell you that finding your blog was so important for me. I witnessed true and utter evil in the adoption industry and felt like I was the one going crazy. I found validation in your story and the stories of others and also the courage to share our story.
    It sucks having to wait and take in all the mainstream propaganda. And also to have a person in a position of power not only fail you, but completely disregard you. But you know--you are planting seeds. You don't grow a tree overnight or even in a few years. But those seeds are going to impact even the most reluctant listeners--whether they know it or not.
    Keep talking.
    We're listening and spreading the truth.
    Hugs,
    Jennifer :)

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    1. ***But you know--you are planting seeds. You don't grow a tree overnight or even in a few years. But those seeds are going to impact even the most reluctant listeners--whether they know it or not.***

      I love this!

      You are right, you have seen, from a situation most don't share openly, the evil in adoption. I am so glad you are sharing your story. I think it is so important for others to hear and know about your own experience with adoption.

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  12. It does seem very overwhelming especially because I still struggle to even talk about my daughter without crying. Your blog and others written by first mothers and adoptees have helped sober me up from the pro-adoption kool-aid I have consumed for so many years. Your words do make a difference. Carry on.

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    1. Thank you so much Starr! And, yep, sobering up from that kool-aid can be difficult, but so liberating in the end.

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  13. Cassi,
    I sometimes feel that blogging is futile and wonder whether anyone cares or is listening. I make it a point to send relevant posts to my NJ legislators, to pro-life groups that routinely oppose adoptee rights, and to the NJ ACLU, which for years has opposed adoptee rights. I have actually had dialogues with a few people from the other side who really seem to listen. It is an uphill battle and very depressing at times (I dropped out of legislative activism for several years because I just couldn't stand the toxicity.) I write a blog because I couldn't get the mainstream press interested in adoption reform. But I keep at it because if I don't speak out as an older adoptee, I'm just perpetuating the myth that all is well with adoption just as it is. I think all of us in our own ways have to keep trying, even though it seems as if our progress is agonizingly slow. It helps me to remember that I'm not the only one. There are groups all over the country working for more honesty and transparency in adoption, and these voices are becoming louder. Take a break if you need it for your mental health, but please don't give up!

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    1. I'm so sorry Susan. Your comment wasn't originally posted. It got stored in the Spam folder for some strange reason.

      You are right, we do have to keep trying, though sometimes it feels as if the effort is futile when you come across such a huge force of those who not just want, but need, to believe in the myths that exist in adoption.

      There is so much to fight for that it can, at times, feel overwhelming.

      I promise not to give up, though. Not when I'm surrounded by so many other great voices, like yours, that are continuing to fight as well.

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  14. Cassi,

    I completely understand. It's why I don't really blog that much anymore. I've already said it. Many people have said the same thing over and over. Since 1909, since Georgia Tann began buying laws over moral ethics with babies by giving them to judges, lawyers, pediatricians, etc etc etc... there has been little to no movement in the actual preservation of families. Many of families whose children were stolen off of their door steps filed class action lawsuits against Georgia Tann. None of them saw their children again. This is the history of adoption. It is such an uphill battle, and I for one don't think I have the energy anymore to fight against it. It is overwhelming. And, I don't feel like we're getting anywhere. Where is the U.S. inquiry into domestic adoptions? They have found that they are fraudulent coercive tactics in the UN for US Domestic adoptions. That's what I'd like to know.

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    1. I would love to see a U.S. inquiry into domestic adoptions but I, honestly, don't think it will ever happen. Not when so many in government are gaining from the separation of a mother and child through adoption. It would be like shooting themselves in the foot, you know. They wouldn't want to threaten something that has been so good to them no matter how coercive, unethical and wrong it is for so many of the very citizens they are supposed to be representing.

      It is frustrating and overwhelming and I can definitely understand the need to walk away from it. I know many who have had to do just that because, like you, they just don't have the energy anymore to keep fighting against something that is so emotionally draining.

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  15. I just want to offer some encouragement. Every time you change just one mind, you are making a difference, because that person could change someone else's mind. You have no idea how far that reach could go. I know a young girl (friend of my daughter's) who is facing an unplanned pregnancy. If she had talked to me last year, I might have encouraged her to have her child adopted. Now I know better. We talked for 2 hours, about ALL her options (she is not ok with abortion, but was leaning adoption). We discussed parenting resources, child care, family support, and last I heard, she was moving in with her great aunt, who is more supportive than her parents, and getting her GED. She plans to raise her daughter. It won't be easy, and she knows it, but I'm so happy for her! Your words helped me help her. And maybe she will help another girl. And someday, the government will sit up and take notice. The current republican candidate scares the crap out of me. Seems like he will drag us back to the fifties kicking and screaming, so let's get everyone we know to vote. Progress takes time, but it will happen!

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    1. Very encouraging and you are right - progress does take time and will happen!

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    2. Wow. I'm going to remember this comment in those times when I need to be reminded of the ones who are listening when I'm frustrated with those who aren't.

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  16. I was holding back tears reading this at work the other day – so sad and so true.

    As a UK reader, I can’t tell you how foreign the ‘rainbows and unicorns’ view of adoption is to me. I’m not involved in adoption, so I’m only speaking as an ordinary member of the public, but I’ve never had, or even overheard, a conversation where anyone has said anything remotely close to any of the pro-adoption arguments that people routinely come out with over there, and I’ve never heard anything like them in the media either (except on TV shows imported from the US).

    I’ve had conversations with several people here about the adoption reform movement in the US, and so far the reaction has been nothing but empathy and understanding for the first mother / adoptee point of view, along with horror and disbelief at many of the things that go on in the US. The recent apologies in Australia would suggest that views on adoption are generally similar over there.

    The difference in the way adoption is viewed here, compared to the US, is so striking, that it’s difficult to draw any conclusion other than that the underlying reason is the money that changes hands over there (which is obviously the biggest difference between the adoption system in the US and those of the UK and Australia), and the resulting media bias, driven by adoption agencies with marketing budgets in the millions. It’s difficult to believe that such a huge divergence in views can be due to cultural differences alone.

    Most of the pro-adoption arguments are so simplistic and non-sensical, and so obviously self-serving, that they just don’t seem like normal human reactions to a complex and difficult issue like adoption. You can almost see the dollar signs in people’s eyes as they say them, almost taste the desperation of people who will latch on to any rationalisation, no matter how dubious and illogical, if it allows them to keep thinking of themselves as good people whilst basically pursuing their own desires regardless of the human cost.

    It can be a very strange experience reading adoption blogs from outside the US – almost like looking through a window at a group of people who’ve been collectively hypnotised, or had their normal human emotions removed and replaced by a script. When you witness the normal human reactions of people outside the US, who haven’t been subjected to years of media propaganda, the effect of those endlessly repeated pro-adoption messages becomes chillingly clear.

    I know that none of this answers the most important question of what can be done about it, but I just wanted to say that the first mother / adoptee message really is one that any normal human being with half a brain who thought about it for more than 5 seconds would have to accept (or at least consider). I know you all must feel like you’re going nuts with the reactions you get to your posts sometimes, but from an outsider point of view, you (first mothers & adoptees) are definitely not the ones who come across as nuts.

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    1. ***from an outsider point of view, you (first mothers & adoptees) are definitely not the ones who come across as nuts.***

      Thank you so much! I have always enjoyed your comments because you come at it from an outsider looking in and your opinion of how you see it is so important.

      I wish so m uch that we in the U.S. would learn from the UK and Australia. I wish we would realize just how much we are victims to the industries propaganda and how we are letting it ruin the lives of so many for, ultimately, the gross profits of the adoption industry.

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    2. There is still some abuse of the social services system and therefore of adoption in the UK. It is perceived that the people losing their kids are bad people anyway and so deserve what is happening to them. I heard of a young lady whose son was adopted out of care without her consent and she hanged herself. Custody of her son could have been handed over to one or both of his grandparents instead, and adoption would not have been necessary, but oh no. And from all accounts she was basically a good person who'd made some less than stellar choices; given time, she probably would have straightened out.

      Also heard of a young woman being targeted to take her baby into care after the baby's birth because the mom had had mental health care when she was a teenager.

      There is still room for reform in the UK.

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  17. 1. You are arguing against a social culture which has insisted on telling anyone who does NOT want to be a mother is a piece of shit (eg. "What is wrong with you? Don't you want to have children?").

    2. You are arguing against inherent desire - human nature to get what we want.

    So not only do people want to become mothers, we have thousand of years of social culture telling us we are nothing unless we want to become parents.

    It's not just adoption. It's the feminist issues of parental "entitlement" and how to be "worthy" that you are arguing against.

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    1. I agree that a part of the battle is the culture that tells women that they are lacking or have failed if they do not, or cannot become mothers.

      And yes, the feminist movement does teach that a women can have it all and so if she waits too long to have children because she has been spending her years on her career, success and marriage first, well then she is still entitled to be a mother and adoption becomes her "right" to insure that she reaches all her goals.

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    2. But women who would go on and adopt another woman's child already wanted to be mothers. The ones who don't want kids are not usually going to adopt them even if they are hearing those messages. Occasionally you get an exception to that rule but not so much these days as perhaps happened in the 50s and 60s.

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  18. [I know that none of this answers the most important question of what can be done about it, but I just wanted to say that the first mother / adoptee message really is one that any normal human being with half a brain who thought about it for more than 5 seconds would have to accept (or at least consider).]

    Wrong. People don't think there IS anything about adoption worth thinking about for more than 5 seconds because they've already grown up being told how adoption is a win-win-win for all.

    I've had this debate with people who studied human psychology and pregnancy and even they - when I brought up adoption - went on and on about the evils of abortion and how adoption is a miracle.

    You are never going to stop someone from wanting a child.

    That said, if you plan to work on that, you would need to tackle the entitlement and 'brainwashing' that society teaches us: You are worthless if you don't plan to raise children.

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  19. To Mei-Lings points, what disturbs me is that in so many ways this a woman-on-woman crime. How do we teach our daughters, our young women today, that it is NOT okay to take another womens child simply because you cannot conceive your own? As a feminist, this disturbs me. We are doing this to each other.

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    1. Unfortunately, I think that is the saddest thing of all - adoption is, in so many ways, one woman's "Crime" (for lack of a better word) against another woman.

      And I find it so hard to believe that any feminist is okay with their daughters being taught the message that they will be "less-than" as mothers if they don't meet society demands and standards for them.

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