Thursday, July 12, 2012

Just Help . . . Please

There are no other words to be added here except to please help.

Please share this as much as you can.
Please help this Grandma save her unborn grandchild from the unnecessary pain of being given up for adoption . . .


-- (Comment left on my blog post Danger Ahead ) "My daughter is 24 yrs old and 6 months pregnant.The father is 27 and wanted her to abort and she would not and now he has told her she will get nothing but a hard time from him. He doesn't want anything to do with her or his son. His last gf had a abortion. My daughter who was living with us gave into his commands of adoption and they visited someone in california last month. We live in Va. Most of our family is heartbroken. this would be our first grandchild. My husband and I have been happily married for 25 yrs and offered to help her with lawyers, living expenses and paying for nursing school. Since flying out and meeting the parents she feels she is "invested" in the people who want to adopt. They were there for 4 days.We also have 2 other children a 21 yr old and a 8 yr old boy and the 8 yr old will not understand were this baby has gone. He has many friends who have had siblings lately and he will actually be an uncle but to him it means he is no longer the baby and there will be another child at the house. We are lost. It's not our decision to make but, we want to try and give her the best advice we can.....she has become distant to the baby and will not even let us touch her stomach. She moved in with her grand mother and father (hubbys parents) so we weren't in the middle of all the drama between her and the ex....its just healthy for our 8 yr old. Now she is talking about moving into an apartment she can't afford and has made statements about birthparents paying for nursing school and apartment. She is covered under our insurance so the health expense is covered. We have paid the $1500 in co payments. Does anyone have any advice? ..........................heartbroken and despondent grandmother to be.." --

30 comments:

  1. The reason why they let the woman pick the parents is to make her feel committed and less likely to back out when she realizes she can and should raise her own child. Women are meant to raise the children they carry and give birth to, it is a biological truth.

    Those people only care about her because she has something they want they are bribing her to get what they want...the baby. I guarantee that if there is anything physically wrong with the child they will back out in a heartbeat. Tell her to tell them she had amniocentesis and the baby has Downs and see how fast they back out. She can go to school with grants and loans and raise her own child. Sounds like she has plenty of support.

    The promises of any openess in the adoption is what they will promise to get the baby. There are no legal guarantees that they will keep their word. They can back out at any time and most likely will when she becomes too much of a nuisance to them.

    That is HER child and she can and should raise it. Is it easy, no, but it is a lot easier than explaining to your child in 18 years that you sold it for the price of college tuition. That child will grow up and want answers.

    I am a Search Angel and help people who have been separated by adoption to reunite as adults. The majority of women have deep emotional scars and regret being separated from their children.

    Grandma, you are doing the right thing. Stand up for that grandchild. Check the laws in your state for any standing for you to establish a legal relationship. Good luck!

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  2. My daughter relinquished 2 years ago and there is not a day that goes by that she, and we, don't regret it. She has nightmares about it still. We are also all receiving counseling to deal with our devastating loss. It sounds like these prospective adoptive parents are trying to do whatever they can to convince your daughter to give them her baby. Very disgusting. As the Tejas Angel said, I bet they would drop her in a heart beat if they thought the child was impaired in some way. None of the things they give her are going to mean a thing after she gives that baby to them. She won't want anything but that baby back. My daughter's uncle and aunt took her baby, and she still wishes she had her daughter back.
    If I had it to do all over again, I would tell my daughter to research what this will do to her child and her. Tell her to look at all the first mother blogs like Cassi's. If that doesn't work, I would offer to take guardianship of the baby. Make it so you have full responsibility. If she never wants her child back, then I would adopt the baby if I were you. It may seem like an overwhelming responsibility, but if you don't at least try you will regret it. I would give anything to have done that, instead of what happened to us. I would rather be raising my granddaughter all by myself than have experienced all the pain and grief I have in the last two years. I wish you luck. I will be praying for you.

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  3. Cassi:
    Are you and your husband willing to raise the baby until she can get on her feet. Tell her she can change her mind at any time before the baby is born, but once she goes through with it, it's forever. I was a birthmother who surrendered back in 1954 - today I am raising my 8 year old great-grandson because I never wanted to lose another family member to adoption. Plead with her not to go through it. Sandy www.sandymusser.com

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  4. Anonymous above - well said.
    To Tejas and Kellie - wow, hate on ap's much? Lol! She barely said anything about who they are. Consider that they might be good people - regardless of whether or not the expectant mother feels invested how did they suddenly turn into bad people? I can't help but smile at the prejudice ignorantly given here. ;)

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    1. Please lets not deter from the reason for this post.

      This is about helping a desperate Grandmother who is about to lose her first born grandchild to a VERY unnecessary adoption. Please lets stick to that and not to such comments that always seem to steer the conversation away from the main topic at hand.

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    2. "Consider that they might be good people -"

      Anon-8:15. Good people don't get involved with pregnant mothers with the intention of procuring their babies via emotional coercion. Good people wait until the mother has given birth, recovered at least 6 weeks from having given birth, has all the resources she needs to raise her baby so that she is not being financially coerced, and THEN they are there if the mother decides she doesn't want that child. It's as simple as that. Good people don't coerce.

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    3. Well said Christina! As an adoptee who searched and found back in the 1970's and has reunited family, after family, after family, I see the devastation of adoption. Women who never recover emotionally and often times are so traumatized by the birth experience that they don't have any other children. Father's who grow up and realize that they are capable of being a parent are joyous on reunion. Siblings who found out that their parent "gave away" a baby and as a child remember being fearful that if they misbehaved "mommy might give me away, too."

      Adoption is a sorrowful experience. Read "The Primal Wound" you can look it up on amazon.com and then look at all the other books written about adoption trauma.

      This baby has a family.

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  5. Tell her to research the effects of adoption. Read blogs. Tell her she doesn't owe anyone her baby. And like the other lady said, offer to take guardianship with the promise that she can have the baby back when she is ready and can take care of him/her. Much luck to you. You will be in my prayers.

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  6. Tell her that adoption is a permanent solution to what is a temporary problem. Tell her that single women are allowed to adopt. If single parenting is good enough for adoptive moms, it's certainly good enough for all mothers. Tell her to go research the effects of adoption on those adopted ~ does she really want to take a chance with her child? So the dad is a dead beat ~ there's no way to know that adoptive dad isn't one too. Tell her that she won't be a single mom forever. I could go on and on...

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    1. I second that. Great comment, Susie.

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  7. "To Tejas and Kellie - wow, hate on ap's much? Lol! She barely said anything about who they are. Consider that they might be good people - regardless of whether or not the expectant mother feels invested how did they suddenly turn into bad people?"

    If they are good people, then they will understand if she tells them she wishes to raise her child.

    If they make her feel guilty about wanting to do raise her own child, then they are not good people.

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  8. Wow, Cassi, so sad... will repost. Hope this young mother can read some of the blogs about women who have been there and been through the pain of coercion (because that is what the bf is doing if not anyone else at this stage).

    Such a sad situation.

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  9. Why is this young woman letting the BF (is he still her BF???) dictate the decision? It sounds like she is involved in a controlling and abusive relationship. Folks surrounding her need to focus on getting her away from him.

    Perhaps as others have suggested, the grandparents or another relative can step forward and offer to be guardians or adopt her baby. I really feel for this young woman and her baby. I think she is being manipulated- primarily by the BF. I would really focus on trying to get her away from him-- I think a lot of the rest of her decisions will change if that happens.

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  10. Adoption is always an option, and it does not have to be done immediately after birth.

    So instead of having her relinquish her rights immediately, offer to have her and the baby come back to your house (or wherever it would be most comfortable) and tell her to give it a test run. That way you could help her with the baby as she recovers and maybe once she sees that this is doable, her feelings might change.

    And if she still doesn't want to parent, the adoptive parents will still be more than happy to adopt a 2 month old baby. *understatement*

    I wish I would have taken my baby home, because my adoption regret began immediately, and there is not a single thing you can do about it.

    Prior to relinquishment I was certain about my adoption decision. Absolutely certain this was best for my child. And then the reality hit of how the decision I had made had life long impact on every single one of us. My child, myself, her brothers and even my extended family.

    I just wish someone would have told me that instead of simplifying my daughter's life, I was just adding another layer of complication.

    Pregnancy is not the best time to be making life long decisions. Looking back now, I know I was jaded by the emotions and subsequent hormones that are so out of control when you are pregnant.

    I hope and pray that your daughter will take to heart the statement that we should not automatically choose a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I know I wish I would have listened.

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  11. This absolutely breaks my heart. Please, please, please tell your daughter about the horrors, trauma and lifelong heartbreak at being separated permanently from HER child and YOUR grandchild. She owes the prospective adopters not one thing. Too bad if they don't get her baby. It is not her duty to provide them with an infant.

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  12. Speak to an attorney immediately and find out what legal rights, if any, you may have. Show your daughter these blogs, actually insist that she read them. Also blogs by adult adoptees who will let her know that not every child was so thrilled to be given away, that her 'adult' reasons for the relinquishment may not sit too well with her child and that they may never be able to have a good relationship again (I bet she is being encouraged to believe that she will have her son or daughter back in her life when the child turns 18).

    I agree with Reena that the bf sounds like a real controlling @$$hole and she may very well feel differently if she can get out of his clutches. But you must act quickly. Please, please, please do everything possible to keep your grandchild in the family. S/he will thank you for it one day. You are absolutely right to think that this could cause lifelong damage not only to your daughter but to your whole family.

    I am wishing the best for you. Please keep us posted. We care.

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  13. Pour all the legal resources you offered to your daughter, into fighting the adopters and even your daughter. This IS your decision to make. You are blood kin and as such you have a HUMAN RIGHT to raise your own blood line. You get every lawyer you can find onto this and stop your daughter making the most devestating decision of her life. She will thank you for it one day.
    This message is from Australia where we have adoption and adoption workers on the run. It can be done if you put everything you have into resisting this barbaric baby trade.

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  14. And while you're at it, have the father castrated - what a prick. (And I'm a father by the way ...) he needs to grow up and be a man.

    Same person as above from Australia

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    1. "he needs to grow up and be a man"

      Hot damn! I wish someone had said that to my natural father.

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  15. I agree with most comments here. It sounds like this woman being manipulated by both the Father and the PAPS. I would urge her to research the psychological effects on both First Mothers and Adoptees before making her decision. I regret my decision to place every day. I wish I had researched before placing. If I had, I would have my daughter with me now.

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  16. One of the most heartbreaking things about stories like this, for me, is that young girls are being pressured into making this most life-changing of decisions at a time when the most important part of the picture is completely hidden from them – how they are actually going to FEEL about their child when it finally arrives.

    Most women feel a sense of love and bonding with their baby during pregnancy, planned or otherwise, and I think it's natural to assume that therefore you already know how you feel about the child, and already have the full picture in front of you, when trying to make a decision about adoption. To first-time expectant mums out there, I just want to say this: trust me, you don’t.

    My daughter was planned and very much wanted, and I loved her more than I thought was humanly possible from the moment I knew she was there, but what I felt during pregnancy was as NOTHING compared to what hit me when she was born. There really are no words to describe the euphoria, the awe, the overwhelming need to care for and protect your child, so I won’t try, except to say that there’s a reason why people say that the love you feel for your child is like nothing else you’ll ever feel on this earth – the intensity of it makes romantic love seem like a mere dress rehearsal.

    And the crux of it all is that these feelings have very little to do with whether the child was wanted or the mother is in an ideal position to parent. They are a near-universal force of nature, and the fact that the pregnancy wasn’t planned, and the adoptive parents have a bigger house, will not immunise you against them.

    Without this unfortunate biological quirk, the adoption industry would collapse in my opinion. If mothers really knew how they were going to feel about their little bundle when he or she was born, most would not choose adoption unless there really was no other option, which is rarely the case. But don’t take my word for it – if you want proof just look at the domestic infant adoption rates in countries like Australia and the UK, where adoption is not a business, mothers are allowed to spend time with their babies before making a final decision, and there is no pre-birth matching of expectant mums and adoptive parents, to make mothers feel that they are ‘letting someone down’ if they change their mind and decide to parent. The figures in both countries are approx 40-60 cases per year, eg virtually non-existent.

    I am not a first mother, adoptee or adoptive parent. I’m not saying these things out of bitterness, anger or regret. I am just a mother who stumbled into the world of adoption blogs, who knows what falling in love with your child feels like, and how separation would break your heart. And who can’t bear the thought of another mother going through that agony because she got herself in too deep before she really understood the decision she was making.

    I don't know what the key is to opening this young girl's eyes to the reality of adoption, but I sincerely hope that she finds it, or it finds her, before it's too late.

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  17. Just read my comment back and wanted to clarify that I think bitterness, anger and regret are perfectly normal and justified emotions for anyone who has been coerced into relinquishing a child, or who is a relinquished child. I didn't mean to imply that there is anything wrong with those emotions. It's just that people sometimes try to use them as accusations in order to dismiss or discredit the voices of first mothers and adoptees, so I wanted to make it clear that they don't apply in my case, as people who don't want to hear will often pick up on things like that as reasons why the speaker is suspect or the argument is not valid.

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  18. I would suggest that Grandmato be has her daughter move back home even with the drama. There she can help her daughter, give her support and enable her to see that they can raise this baby together. She can help build her confidence that she will be a good mother and that the family will help her parent and accomplish her goals for the future. I can't stress enought that this young pregant woman needs the family to build her confidence.

    Of course reading our blogs will help. She needs to understand that she owes the PAP's nothing and their offering to pay for an apartment or nursing school is being done to obtain her child. If they really cared about her and her child they would distance themselves from her until after the birth and give her a chance to bond with the baby. This should be reinforced to her. Grandma should suggest she talk to the PAP's about this and have them agree to back off and give her time. Their reaction to this will speak volumes on if they have her baby's best interests at heart because no PAP should want to seperate a baby from a mother uneccesarily.

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  19. I like the idea of asking the paps to back off until the birth to give the young lady some breathing room. Also, perhaps the daughter may be willing to give parenting a two week trial run. Maybe with some support, she may feel better equipped and change her mind. If at all possible, she should come back home. And if she doesn't, And ends up placing anyway, then she will be secure in her decision. I'm sure if the paps are decent people, and there's no reason to believe that they aren't, they would want her to be absolutely sure this is what she wants. Unfortunately, she is an adult and the decision is hers to make. Grandma may not be able to do anything about it. Is the daughter willing for her parents to meet the paps? If they do adopt the baby, it would be good for the whole family to meet them. Would she be willing to choose a couple closer to home to make openness easier? I know California is one of a few states with legally enforceable open adoptions. California also has grandparent rights, I'm not sure how that works. If she does place, I would get any openness agreements in writing. Also, counseling for the whole family, so she can get some unbiased crisis counseling, get to the bottom of why she wants to place instead of having the baby stay with family. If she won't go, then grandma should go by herself, to learn ways to better support her daughter in a very difficult situation, or cope with the aftermath of surrender.

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  20. I am an adoptive mom, please tell your daughter she owes these people nothing! No prospective adoptive parent should ever feel entitled to another woman's baby. Yes, I'm sure they would be upset if she didn't choose them and decided to parent but her pain will be far worse if she makes the decision to place because she feels "invested" in them. PLEASE pregnant momma....do not make this decision because you don't want to upset the pap's or the sperm donor. Take your momma's help and keep and love your baby if you want to!!!

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  21. Perhaps you could get her to read some "failed match" posts on blogs/forums and then she can see how quickly some PAPs can turn on new mothers when they decide to parent instead - they go from being called a "selfless angel" to "deceitful selfish b*tch".

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  22. Cassi...

    Just wondering if you've heard any updates on this potentially tragic situation?

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  23. Talk to an attorney about adopting the child yourself. If you are the one's paying the medical you should have the first option to keep the child in the family, if not adoption as the guardians.

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  24. I might suggest that this particular situation is an abuse of the reason for adoption. Adoption shouldn't be just because things are inconvenient, but should be used only in absolutely necessary situations. This unborn child has a loving extended family that wants it. Therefore, the child should not be allowed to be a candidate for adoption.

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