Monday, November 7, 2011

"No" Vember

A friend of mine posted a picture on her Facebook wall of a list of “No’s” for November and I figured why not do one that is adoption related since it is National Adoption (BE)wareness Month . . .

NO SEALED OBC’S FOR ADOPTEES - - Nobody deserves to have their equal rights denied them simply because they are adopted.

NO “ADOPTION” COUNSELING FOR PREGNANT WOMEN - - Every women in a CRISIS pregnancy should have true CRISIS counseling from an unbiased professional.

NO DENYING THE TRAFFICKING THAT IS A PART OF INTERNATIONAL ADOPTION - - The proof is there, pretending it doesn’t exist won’t make it go away.

NO BELIEVING THAT THERE ISN’T LOSS INVOLVED WITH EVERY SINGLE ADOPTION - - No matter the circumstances or situation, there is always a loss when a mother and child are separated from one another.

NO COERCIVE PRACTICES LIKE PRE-BIRTH MATCHING AND/OR ADOPTIVE PARENTS IN THE DELIVERY ROOM - - The adoption industry has long-known that a mother is more likely to give up her child if she forms a relationship with the hopeful couple and becomes concerned about their feelings.

NO EXPECTING ADOPTEES TO BE GRATEFUL - - Whether you adopted your child or gave your child up for adoption, you should never expect them to be grateful for a decision that was made FOR them not BY them.

NO HUNTING DOWN A PREGNANT WOMAN TO FIND “YOUR” BABY - - It goes beyond wrong to solicit for and/or market yourself to vulnerable pregnant women in the hopes of them giving you their baby.

NO HIDING THE FULL TRUTH OF ADOPTION FROM AN EXPECTANT MOM - - Every women deserves to know the pain and grief adoption causes for so many mothers and their children.

NO PRETENDING ADOPTION IS THE ALTERNATIVE TO ABORTION - - As it has been said, over and over again, the two are not related. Abortion is the decision to continue a pregnancy. Adoption is a decision about parenting.

NO CLAIMING THAT GOD WANTS YOU TO ADOPT - - God does not, and never will, support the separation of a mother and child to fulfill another’s selfish needs. It goes against everything he teaches.

NO DENYING THAT NATURE IS JUST AS IMPORTANT AS NURTURE - - Every child, adopted or not, is a part of nature and nurture. To deny them that is to deny them a part of themselves.

NO CLAIMING THAT ADOPTION IS A LOVING OPTION - - Adoption is not from love. It comes from fear and desperation . . .

. . . Any my last and final “no” for this month . . .

NO MORE BILLION DOLLAR PROFITS FOR THE ADOPTION INDUSTRY - - It is disgusting that any one of us supports and encourages an industry that treats human beings, innocent children, like merchandise. That we allow them to be “price-tagged” based on demand for their race, sex and age. That we really see nothing wrong with dedicating an entire month to celebrate something that in the greed of providing children for parents who are willing to pay for them we have left behind the children truly in need.


  1. I just want to add a birthmother's experience to this. I was 21 when I became pregnant by my boyfriend. We were going to try to keep the baby, even though we didn't have the financial resources. I sought out social services and pregnancy counseling. My social worker did bring up the idea of adoption, but this was coming from the first agency in Michigan to have an open adoption. It was something they had become known for. (The adoptee in this first open adoption actually was a friend of mine whom I met at college. She was a very well-adjusted girl, forming relationships with both sets of parents. This may have skewed my ideas on open adoption.) My social worker was very clear and upfront about the adoption process. We stuck to our decision to parent at this point.
    After several months, our financial problems worsened as my boyfriend lost his job. It was at this point, we realized we weren't going to be able to raise our son and decided to go through with the open adoption. We had the option of choosing our son's parents from 12 different families. We were given scrapbooks that each family put together about their lives. From the scrapbooks, we selected a family. We met Mom and Dad, grew to like them, and even had the same idea for first AND middle names. I would have to say that God did place our families together for the sake of our son. So, from my perspective, Pre-Birth matching worked well for us. Nobody "hunted me down" for my son, nobody coerced me into adoption. My son's parents have a copy of his Official Birth Record, listing myself and his biological father (who I am still with) as parents, even though we gave him their last name. His middle name is our last one.
    I did grieve for him and the first days home were hell on me, but I can live with the fact that he is in a better situation with people who are financially able to take care of him. I would not have been able to deal with a closed adoption, so I do agree with most of your points. I am in no way trying to attack your opinions, just offering my own. Thanks.

    Jesi P.
    Ypsilanti, Mi.

  2. Jesi,

    Like you, I am also a First Mom (I refuse to refer to myself by the other term)and this post was written from my own experience and knowledge of the world of adoption.

    And, it might surprise you to know that much of my experience is the same as yours. Mine was an open adoption. I received the same kind of counseling you did, fell in love with my son's adoptive parents while I was still pregnant with him and had them there every step of the way, including through my delivery.

    But, for me, after many years of living in denial and telling myself the best thing I could have done was to give my son away to strangers, I have come to realize the truth of adoption and the adoption industry. Their coercive tactics and manipulation is clear even in their own publications such as Birthmother, Good Mother which I have previously written about here . . .

    And as for your son's adoptive parents having his OBC, that doesn't change the fact that, unless your son is fortunate enough to live in one of the rare states that grants him equal rights, he will still be denied the same rights you and I take for granted. Yes, he may have his OBC because his "parents" got it for him, but he still - as an adult - cannot get his OBC on his own like every other citizen, who isn't adopted, is allowed to do.

    Though we may differ on some of our opinions in adoption, I hope you will at least look into the rights your son is denied for being adopted and will make an effort to change that for him.

  3. Cassi, you are an amazing writer and couldn't have said it any better than you just did.

  4. The sad truth for Anon and you Cassi is that the only thing which kept you from parenting your children was money. There are government programs to assist people to adopt, tax incentives, etc. yet the biological parents are not given that assistance to KEEP a child in their family of origin????

    What is wrong with that picture? Once someone "wakes up" to the truth of adoption you can see clearly that if adoption had the focus of the "best interest of the child" the majority of times that answer would be to give the family support and keep that child with parent/s. That is NOT what adoption is about....adoption is about providing a product to people who believe they are entitled to someone elses child.

    If people really are wanting to adopt, then wouldn't that be their FIRST choice and not their LAST resort? If people really want to make a difference in the life of a child (that was the original purpose of adoption) then they would voluntarily sterilize themselves and run down to state agencies which have thousands of children who need homes.

    That is not what happens. They want something they can't have biologically and they will take someone elses at the expense of the child and family of origin.

    Baby Thief: The Untold Story of Georgia Tann, the Baby Seller Who Corrupted Adoption by Barbara Bisantz Raymond gives a great history of how we arrived at this place with adoption.

    The book should be mandatory reading for everyone who is connected to adoption, especially the state legislatures in closed record states.

  5. Have I told you lately that I love you?!?!? Amazing post Cassi. As always.