Monday, June 13, 2011

The Silent Voices

So I’ve noticed something as I have ventured through the different blogs listed on the BirthMom Buds site. There is a silence there that I don’t understand. One I can’t believe hasn’t been addressed yet by these mothers who are such firm advocates for adoption.

It involves adoptees and restoring their rights back to them.

I see them over and over again, repeating exactly what I was told over twenty-three years ago and believed for so long – adoption is different, better, than it once was because of the practice of open adoption.

And in open adoption there is to be no lies told, no secrets kept.

So why would any one of them not be concerned about the fact that adoptees in almost all states are forced to live with a lie, a secret, because they are denied what the rest of us take for granted . . . our original birth certificates. That their own children – the very ones they are certain they gave a better life to – will face the same denial of their rights if something isn’t done now to change things.

I realize that many don’t allow much of a voice to the adult adoptees who speak out. They aren’t represented on their blogs all too often. They aren’t listened to with any great interest when they speak. But I would think they would at least realize the struggles these adoptees speak of when it comes to being denied their equal rights are the same struggles their own children will face in the decades to come.

Whether they are in an open adoption or not. Whether they are happy with their situation, believe they made the best choice. None of that has absolutely any impact on the fact that their children will be denied their rights in almost every state if something isn’t done now to make changes.

And the adult adoptees, many of whom so many of the “new-generation” of First Moms disregard and refuse to listen to, are the very ones who are fighting, speaking out, writing letters, attending protests, so that they – and the young children of today’s First Moms – are restored their rights and will not have to face the same struggles they have faced in the past.

Is it fair to keep your voice out of such a fight? Is it right to support, encourage and believe in openness and do nothing to assure your own child will be given that when they grow past their childhood years?

First Moms, like those who post on BirthMom Buds, have a large audience to speak to. Adoption advocates and adoptive parents love their blogs. They link to them from their own, encourage others to read what they have to say.

It’s a perfect set-up to speak out and gain support for open records, equal rights, for all adoptees – especially your very own child. I can’t think of a better way to raise awareness than to use the support you have in the adoption world to reach those who are usually the most close-minded about the importance of restoring equal rights to adoptees. To use your belief in openness and all the wonderful things you think it does for adoption, to show them that it isn’t something to be against but to support in every way.

It’s long past time to finally step up and speak out. Because this area of adoption has not changed, and it will not change until we all, First Moms from all sides, do something about it.

This is not something that can be ignored. Especially not by those First Moms who have children that will someday become the adult adoptees being denied their rights.

If they truly support openness, an end to the lies and secrets that make up adoption, than it’s time for them to add their voices to the fight and make a real change, if not for them . . . for their children.


  1. That site disgusts me, for many reasons. I do know that a few of them were in fact given a copy of their child's OBC...but many were not. Open adoption or not, their child may indeed one day face the same issues adoptees of my generation face.

    Some of these women have no idea what the fight for our OBC's mean. I asked this same question to a few about a year ago, and they said their child had no need for his/her OBC, because they were in an open adoption.

    OBC's are not about reunion. You would think these new Mothers would have some clue....but they don't. And God help you if you try to educate them. You know, because their adoptee won't be like me.

  2. I can't speak for other moms, only myself. I don't write often about adoptee rights and OBC's because, in all honesty, while I am totally supportive and write letters, I also have been hammered for speaking out - by adoptees.

    Open adoption is not open....

    OBC's are a right, not a privilege....

    And while I support, being beat up for trying to be supportive is not my idea of helping... it just shows how not connected we are, no matter how hard we try.

  3. It's always amazed me how those who profess to care so much for their children often won't support those same children's right to a copy of their original birth certificate as an adult. It causes me to question the sincerity of their words.

  4. These moms of the "BirthMom Buds" variety have been well coached and brainwashed by the adoption industry. I really don't think a single one of them has a thought or feeling of their own regarding adoption. Therefore it's no surprise to me that they don't advocate for adoptee rights.

    (In saying that, I am not excusing them in their lack of support for adoptee rights in any way!)

  5. Linda,

    I don't believe they have a clue at all. If they did, they would understand that they could have a million copies of their child's OBC, be in the best open adoption in the world, and that still doesn't change a thing for their child if he or she lives in the majority of states in this country. They don't seem able to wrap their mind around the fact, that no matter what they think they are giving their child, none of that changes the very real fact that their child will become an adult who is denied the same rights many of those First Mom's take for granted.

    Unfortunately, I think we could pound it into their head over and over again but many still won't get the difference between them "having" their child's OBC and their child becoming an adult who has the RIGHT to get his or her own OBC.

  6. Jimm,

    ***It's always amazed me how those who profess to care so much for their children often won't support those same children's right to a copy of their original birth certificate as an adult.***

    I agree. I believe the First Mom's who are such strong supporters of open adoption, who profess to love their child so much they gave them a better life, should be the ones at the front of the battle for adoptee rights. Their love for their child, their belief that openness is the answer and their support of how much adoption has supposively changed over the years, should be the driving force behind them standing up and putting real action to what they say.

  7. Lori,

    I have never questioned your support for adoptee rights. I also know you are not one who is out there promoting all that is so "Great" about adoption while ignoring the big red flag in front of your face - there is nothing great about knowing your child will be denied their equal rights.

    Those were the moms I was speaking of here. Those who are proud to be a "birthmother" because they "chose" a better life for their child but now want to take a back seat when they should be fighting to continue to give their child that better life through their equal rights.

    And Susie,

    I do agree that the brainwashing of the industry does play a part in it. But, like you, I don't believe that excuses them. I would hate to be that First Mom who is questioned later in life by their son or daughter because they were aware, years before, that they would be denied access to their birth certificate but did nothing to try and change that for them.

  8. You are absolutely right Cassi, I have noticed the same things!

    They will not have adoptee voices on their blogs (unless the adoptees are repeating verbatim only the ideology that the blog owners/readers already believe) and they will not write about adoptee rights.

    They think open adoption has "fixed" adoption and that OBCs are irrelevant because of open adoption.

    Which is why they should be listening.

    OBCs has nothing to do with open adoption. Having your OBC is about having your right to respect, self-ownership, and equality. EVERY SINGLE PARENT on the planet should want that for their sons and daughters!

    I think what it comes down to is an unwillingness to admit that anything in adoption needs to be fixed or isn't right because it interferes with their view that adoption is perfect and wonderful. In order to admit something about adoption needs to be changed, someone must first admit adoption isn't all wonderful. Some people just aren't ready or willing to make that admission yet, I suppose.

  9. I couldn't agree more. Great post. I've been in reunion with my son for twenty years. I still want him to have his original birth certificate. All adoptees are entitled to their OBCs.

  10. So now we are ganging up on BirthMom buds because they don't fit the idea of what YOU want them to be or think? Gimme a about having an idea of your own and not reposting in essence the same subject Lorraine did?

    It's called Birthmom Buds for a's not adoption advocates, or fight for adoptee rights buds. It's a place for birthmothers for crying outloud! Just because someone is a birthmother doesn't mean she HAS to take up ANY one particular cause related to adoption. There are women who aren't happy with their adoption(s) or have any desire to deal with ANYTHING adoption related period. There are women who need support without having to hear from people (like those here) about who they need to be, or do in order to receive support! Good grief people! What right do any of us have to judge someone else's "stance' or lack there of simply because another person's life has been affected by adoption??? Some people are not as string as others, some people don't care about adoptee's that simple! Everyone now a days has "rights" to someone or something. gag me

  11. 1CrzyMom,

    I started to type out a response but decided, with as long as it was, I'd be better to answer in a blog post.

    So I will answer you there - after Father's Day, since that is my priority at the moment.

  12. 1CrzyMom is a very good moniker, because that is exactly what you sound like. Why are you so concerned with what is posted here, CRAYYYZEEE?

    Get a life why don't ya...

  13. LMAO@ Anonymous~

    Hey at least I have the BALLS to own my craziness and actually post a NAME and not hide behind anonymous!

    Funny how I'm not allowed to post what I want but it's ok to TRASH another group all because they don't adhere to who YOU want them to be!

    This is a PUBLIC blog isn't it??? I'm not the one name calling mind you ;-) You sure can dish it out but can't take it can ya'? My favorite is the get a life at the end...omg thanks for the laugh...typical childish response when you don't have anything relevant to say to the topic at hand. So I guess you're rubber and I'm glue too huh? Shit my 2 year old kids have more manners and maturity than people like you anon. Just goes to prove it takes all walks of like to make up this great big world we live in...Have a wonderful day as I know I will :-) mwahh!

  14. Hi Crazy One! You are on a roll, now aren't ya? Someone lit a fire under your adopto wench ass, have they not? LMAO!!!!!!!!!!Witch it is so easy for you to sit behind the internet and provoke people. Why does my anonymous moniker bother you so? I went to your "blog" and it had NOTHING about your real identity, oh 1CRAYYSZEEE Adopter.

    Childish? And your original post was the epitome of maturity and understanding about what is written here. Typical adopter hypocrite.

    Now run along and take of those two year old's that aren't really yours, now won't you. One day they will grow up and quite possibly read a blog like this and that would just horrify you, wouldn't it??? That is your whole point of coming here to denounce what is said, is it not? I don't even go to Birthmom buds so I don't even know what they say there. I don't care. I know the truth of adoption is about, that is why I read at ADOPTION TRUTH. The truth hurts, now doesn't it??

    Lastly, is your email address posted on your "blog"? Perhaps I could send you an email with my identity and we could meet up in person to discuss this...I'd like that very much...1CRZYADOPTER

  15. 1crzymom

    "some people don't care about adoptee rights"

    One would assume that if one gives birth to an adoptee, they should care about their rights.

    One would assume that if one is raising an adoptee, they should care about their rights.

    It shouldn't just be the adoptee who cares, it should be those that love him/her as well.

  16. 1crzymom,

    I agree with the comment above me. Anyone who is involved in adoption should be concerned with ensuring adoptees are given the same rights as anyone else and protecting those rights. Afterall, isn't adoption supposed (lol, what a joke) to be what is best for the child??

    So if you are a mother who has placed willingly or a person who has chosen to adopt, then you should be concerned with adoptee rights. Otherwise you have no buisness being involved in adoption.

    If you are an adopter and made a choice to adopt then to not be interested or concerned with the rights of the child you adopt means you adopted for your own desires and couldn't care less about the person involved.

    If you are a mother who placed a child and are not interested or concerned with the child you gave away then you obviously cannot love your child because adoptee rights pertain to the child you supposedly loved so much (yeah right).

    To dismiss the rights of the adoptee is more or less abuse. Abuse of children's rights and abuse of human rights. All your comment has done is support why these groups like "birthmom buds" and the like are truly disgusting and misguided. They are self serving and do not help or support anyone because, like you so aggressively claimed this blog does, (only listens to those who agree with them) is actually what that group does. You have been given an opportunity to have your say here on Cassi's blog without being deleted unlike what bbm does on a frequent basis. So your accusations actually have no basis here. Top marks in the projection attempt though!

    Thanks for your comment as it gives weight to what Cassi said in her blog post. Gotta love it when those who wish to comment in an attacking manner only back up the point of the blog author. Score :)

  17. You are right Cassi.
    It is peculiar, to say the least.

    I am left trying to figure out *why* they don't seem to understand that EVERYONE has the right to their own original birth certificate - unless they believe (or have bought into the belief) that some people are less equal than others.
    If that's the case, maybe it has more to do with their own damaged self-image that they are in turn projecting onto their relinquished children.

    There's also the possibility that they may simply be politically dense and naively accept what has been sold to them, that open adoption obviates the right to open records and OBCs for all.
    There are lot of easily confused people in this world, and plenty others who will take advantage of that.

  18. I do believe that "majority" of the people who run/oversee BirthMom Buds are members of the LDS church. I don't know this for a fact, but it seems that all the BMs that are so "happy" and brainwashed come from that religion. Just saying.