Friday, June 24, 2011

From One Crazy Mom To Another

..."So now we are ganging up on BirthMom buds because they don't fit the idea of what YOU want them to be or think? Gimme a about having an idea of your own and not reposting in essence the same subject Lorraine did?

It's called Birthmom Buds for a's not adoption advocates, or fight for adoptee rights buds. It's a place for birthmothers for crying outloud! Just because someone is a birthmother doesn't mean she HAS to take up ANY one particular cause related to adoption. There are women who aren't happy with their adoption(s) or have any desire to deal with ANYTHING adoption related period. There are women who need support without having to hear from people (like those here) about who they need to be, or do in order to receive support! Good grief people! What right do any of us have to judge someone else's "stance' or lack there of simply because another person's life has been affected by adoption??? Some people are not as string as others, some people don't care about adoptee's that simple! Everyone now a days has "rights" to someone or something. gag me"...

Dear 1CrzyMom,
Though I plan to respond to most of the comment you left on my post, The Silent Voices, I want to start off with your final sentence, because that, to me, says more than anything else you wrote here . . .

"Everyone now a days has "rights" to someone or something. gag me"

I'm going to assume you are not an adoptee since your profile has no information to learn more about you. I am not an adoptee either which puts us together in an equal right that "everyone" has to "something" . . . our Original Birth Certificate. We can walk in, fill out the paperwork, pay the minimal fee and have the document in our hands in no time. There is nobody slapping our hand telling us, "No." Nobody treating us like forever Children even though we are adults, making the judgment for us on whether or not we should have access to our own PERSONAL information. And nobody making the insulting comment "Gag me" simply because we desire to be treated equally.

This isn't about adoptees wanting something special. It isn't about them demanding to be given privileges others don't have. It is, plain, cut and dried, as clear as day, about them receiving the EXACT SAME RIGHTS every non-adopted citizen takes for granted. As long as we are given a right they are denied, we should be doing much more than just caring about their fight, we should be disgusted and angered that in the United States we actually have any laws that prohibit certain individuals from the freedoms everyone else takes for granted. And we should be screaming at the top of our lungs that it is unacceptable and demand change.

And yes, because of that, I firmly believe "just because" a woman is a First Mom (refuse to use the other term) she does have a responsibility to this particular "cause" in adoption. I will not apologize for that belief. Nor will I ever back down from it.

Choice or not, forced or willingly, First Moms, in the very act of adoption, place their children - who have no choice, no voice - into a situation where their reality, for all but a few in certain states, is one in which they are restricted from the very rights we First Moms, who aren't adopted, take for granted.

How hypocritical can we be if we believe the rights we have just aren't all that important for our children to have after it was our own actions (for whatever reason) that placed that fate on our children's shoulders?

First Moms have more than a responsibility, they have a duty to fight for their children to be given the same equality they receive. They have an obligation to create change in the life their child will face in their adult years.

Outside of all the other matters that can "muddy" up the fight, there is a basic, clear place for every First Mom to add her voice. The simple, clear belief that adoptees deserve the same rights we have, no questions, no excuses!

To not add your voice to that . . . to not make it more than clear that you support, in every way, your child's equal rights . . . is wrong. If First Moms don't speak up about such an abuse against our children, how can we ever expect others to understand the importance of the loss of freedom adoptees struggle with?

We can't, because they won't. Those First Moms who keep their voices silent encourage the acceptance of denying adoptees equal rights. They provide the excuses for why it's "just not a big deal." Encourage the lies of "confidentiality" that are held tight by those who oppose adoptees being treated equally.

They allow the adoption industry, law-makers, and society in general to use them and their silence as justification to why their own children should not be given the same freedoms they, themselves, have never been without.

And sites like BirthMom Buds (which I have a vastly different opinion of - but that is for another post) whether, they try to or not, do become adoption advocates just by the very nature of what they post. Adoption professionals and many adoptive parents love those sites because they justify what they desperately want to, or want others to, believe . . . that adoption is a wonderful, loving option that has changed so much over the years that it is now the "perfect" choice to give a child a "better" life.

If that is their belief, fine . . . they are entitled to it just as I am entitled to mine. But to encourage adoption because of all its "openness" while outright ignoring the very real fact that closed records still exist, goes completely against everything they claim to support.

How can you say you believe in openness for your child if you refuse to stand up and speak out for the area in their life where they will be denied it? How can you proclaim that they have the best life possible if you are sitting back and doing nothing about the fact that life will include being denied the same rights everyone else is entitled to?

And how can you EVER allow your silence to become a part of the reason why adoptees are not allowed their equal rights. How can you sit back and say nothing, do nothing, when you know that those against your own child being treated equally are using you and your supposive "right to privacy" as their justification for why your child doesn't deserve to have the same freedoms you do?

I have absolutely no respect for any First Mom who doesn't care about adoptee rights. No sympathy for those who claim they are not strong enough to speak out while allowing others to use them as the excuse for why their OWN CHILD does not deserve to be treated with the same equality as the rest of us.

In my opinion, any First Mom who sits back and does nothing, allows the fate her child will face in their adult years and accepts the fact that her "privacy" will be used over and over again against her own son or daughter, has failed their child in a horrible way.

And there are no excuses, no explanations that will ever change that.


  1. Amen, sister!

    I could not have said it better myself - do you mind if I linky-loo to this post?


  2. Mel,

    I'd be honored to be linked on your blog!

  3. Great post.

    And sheesh, since when is stating an observation the same as "ganging up?"

    It's sad when people don't get how important Adoptee Rights is, let alone when they make fun of it.

  4. How sad for her child. How sad for all of humanity when mothers, any mother, whether first or adoptive, have that sort of selfish attitude.

    And yes, "crazymom"- I have the right to my own personal information, whether or not you like it. You should have thought about that when you decided to not terminate your pregnancy. How irresponsible and shameful of you to have this attitude.

    And BirthmomBuds is a shameful and irresponsible blog. Yes. Shameful and irresponsible, because they do NOT include Mothers who have rid themselves of the vile and toxic Kool-Aid lies of the industry, and mothers and adoptees who tell the TRUTH about how the industry has ruined them.

  5. Wonderful post and response. Natural parents should have an interest in what is best for their child. Perhaps if the Birthmom Buds of today actually took a moment to consider the discrimination placed on adoptees (THEIR children), adoption would not seem like such a wonderful, loving option.

  6. While any person who cares about others can see American adoptees do not have the same rights as others and are stigmatised and denied how can someone who is the mother of someone who has been made an adoptee care so little? Is it really all about 'me' and nothing about the consequences of actions.In the past coercion etc put mothers in a situation of lack of effective choice, today it is very different for most.The coercion of the adoption industry is subtle, insidious, devious and without ethics and about profits.Amy mother who gets pulled into that has been seriously deceived.

  7. "In my opinion, any First Mom who sits back and does nothing, allows the fate her child will face in their adult years and accepts the fact that her "privacy" will be used over and over again against her own son or daughter, has failed their child in a horrible way."
    I agree. But to reiterate my comment of Monday June 13 (The Silent Voices), I think the attitude of people like Crazymom's is a result of their damaged self-image (as undeserving), and it is that that they are projecting that onto their relinquished children. They don't feel *entitled*, and they don't think their children should be either.
    I am not trying to excuse them or explain away their attitude - I agree with you that fundamentally, it's all about them

  8. Fabulous post Cassi!! Have been 'stalking' your blog in anticipation for this post! What a well reasoned and calm approach; especially given her comment left to you. I will also be linking (as that is what my blog seems to be doing these days lol).

    Thanks for doing this post - my view is that they profess their love for their children loud and clear yet actions speak louder than words and all they seem to be saying is that giving someone away is love which is the opposite to what the rest of the world sees as love. If they want us to believe what they say about the 'love' they have for their children, apart from not giving them away, the next best thing they can do is fight for their child's rights.

  9. Long time silent reader...

    Thank you so very much!!!

  10. Thank you...thank you. Without first mothers fighting for rights for our children--and all the others out there--who will?

    lorraine from First Mother Forum

  11. Can somebody tell me what birthmom buds was talking about?

  12. I love this post! Thank you for stating so eloquently what we are asking for. Our OBCs. We want what everyone else has. Is it so much to ask for the help of our fmoms in getting that document?

    You rock.

    I may not like Birthmom Buds for the messages it enshrines, but it's delusional for women over there to say that there words aren't political. They're being USED in a highly political way to justify the status quo. And if they like open adoption, fine. They're entitled to their opinion, and their feelings. But I cannot see how sealing up our OBCs has anything to do with OPENNESS, for goodness sakes! As you so beautifully said.

    I cannot tell you how much I needed to read your words today.