Friday, June 24, 2011

From One Crazy Mom To Another

..."So now we are ganging up on BirthMom buds because they don't fit the idea of what YOU want them to be or think? Gimme a about having an idea of your own and not reposting in essence the same subject Lorraine did?

It's called Birthmom Buds for a's not adoption advocates, or fight for adoptee rights buds. It's a place for birthmothers for crying outloud! Just because someone is a birthmother doesn't mean she HAS to take up ANY one particular cause related to adoption. There are women who aren't happy with their adoption(s) or have any desire to deal with ANYTHING adoption related period. There are women who need support without having to hear from people (like those here) about who they need to be, or do in order to receive support! Good grief people! What right do any of us have to judge someone else's "stance' or lack there of simply because another person's life has been affected by adoption??? Some people are not as string as others, some people don't care about adoptee's that simple! Everyone now a days has "rights" to someone or something. gag me"...

Dear 1CrzyMom,
Though I plan to respond to most of the comment you left on my post, The Silent Voices, I want to start off with your final sentence, because that, to me, says more than anything else you wrote here . . .

"Everyone now a days has "rights" to someone or something. gag me"

I'm going to assume you are not an adoptee since your profile has no information to learn more about you. I am not an adoptee either which puts us together in an equal right that "everyone" has to "something" . . . our Original Birth Certificate. We can walk in, fill out the paperwork, pay the minimal fee and have the document in our hands in no time. There is nobody slapping our hand telling us, "No." Nobody treating us like forever Children even though we are adults, making the judgment for us on whether or not we should have access to our own PERSONAL information. And nobody making the insulting comment "Gag me" simply because we desire to be treated equally.

This isn't about adoptees wanting something special. It isn't about them demanding to be given privileges others don't have. It is, plain, cut and dried, as clear as day, about them receiving the EXACT SAME RIGHTS every non-adopted citizen takes for granted. As long as we are given a right they are denied, we should be doing much more than just caring about their fight, we should be disgusted and angered that in the United States we actually have any laws that prohibit certain individuals from the freedoms everyone else takes for granted. And we should be screaming at the top of our lungs that it is unacceptable and demand change.

And yes, because of that, I firmly believe "just because" a woman is a First Mom (refuse to use the other term) she does have a responsibility to this particular "cause" in adoption. I will not apologize for that belief. Nor will I ever back down from it.

Choice or not, forced or willingly, First Moms, in the very act of adoption, place their children - who have no choice, no voice - into a situation where their reality, for all but a few in certain states, is one in which they are restricted from the very rights we First Moms, who aren't adopted, take for granted.

How hypocritical can we be if we believe the rights we have just aren't all that important for our children to have after it was our own actions (for whatever reason) that placed that fate on our children's shoulders?

First Moms have more than a responsibility, they have a duty to fight for their children to be given the same equality they receive. They have an obligation to create change in the life their child will face in their adult years.

Outside of all the other matters that can "muddy" up the fight, there is a basic, clear place for every First Mom to add her voice. The simple, clear belief that adoptees deserve the same rights we have, no questions, no excuses!

To not add your voice to that . . . to not make it more than clear that you support, in every way, your child's equal rights . . . is wrong. If First Moms don't speak up about such an abuse against our children, how can we ever expect others to understand the importance of the loss of freedom adoptees struggle with?

We can't, because they won't. Those First Moms who keep their voices silent encourage the acceptance of denying adoptees equal rights. They provide the excuses for why it's "just not a big deal." Encourage the lies of "confidentiality" that are held tight by those who oppose adoptees being treated equally.

They allow the adoption industry, law-makers, and society in general to use them and their silence as justification to why their own children should not be given the same freedoms they, themselves, have never been without.

And sites like BirthMom Buds (which I have a vastly different opinion of - but that is for another post) whether, they try to or not, do become adoption advocates just by the very nature of what they post. Adoption professionals and many adoptive parents love those sites because they justify what they desperately want to, or want others to, believe . . . that adoption is a wonderful, loving option that has changed so much over the years that it is now the "perfect" choice to give a child a "better" life.

If that is their belief, fine . . . they are entitled to it just as I am entitled to mine. But to encourage adoption because of all its "openness" while outright ignoring the very real fact that closed records still exist, goes completely against everything they claim to support.

How can you say you believe in openness for your child if you refuse to stand up and speak out for the area in their life where they will be denied it? How can you proclaim that they have the best life possible if you are sitting back and doing nothing about the fact that life will include being denied the same rights everyone else is entitled to?

And how can you EVER allow your silence to become a part of the reason why adoptees are not allowed their equal rights. How can you sit back and say nothing, do nothing, when you know that those against your own child being treated equally are using you and your supposive "right to privacy" as their justification for why your child doesn't deserve to have the same freedoms you do?

I have absolutely no respect for any First Mom who doesn't care about adoptee rights. No sympathy for those who claim they are not strong enough to speak out while allowing others to use them as the excuse for why their OWN CHILD does not deserve to be treated with the same equality as the rest of us.

In my opinion, any First Mom who sits back and does nothing, allows the fate her child will face in their adult years and accepts the fact that her "privacy" will be used over and over again against her own son or daughter, has failed their child in a horrible way.

And there are no excuses, no explanations that will ever change that.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Meet My Husband

The picture is of my wonderful husband and I with our oldest son, the one we lost to adoption, in the middle.

I've talked before about my husband being a First Dad but I don't say much about his feelings and emotions because they are his to tell, not mine.

But thanks to Amanda over at Declassified Adoptee, my husband, for the first time, has put into his own words some of what it is like for him being a dad who lost his first born child to adoption.

So for your reading pleasure, I proudly present my husband and his own words . . .

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Daddy's Day Wishes

For the dads who have attended tea parties.

For the dads who read bedtime stories.

For the dads who fight for Father's rights.

For the dads who lost a child.

For the dads that protect.

For the dads that teach.

For the dads who have fought for their children.

For the dads who make a difference . . .

Happy Father's Day!

Monday, June 13, 2011

The Silent Voices

So I’ve noticed something as I have ventured through the different blogs listed on the BirthMom Buds site. There is a silence there that I don’t understand. One I can’t believe hasn’t been addressed yet by these mothers who are such firm advocates for adoption.

It involves adoptees and restoring their rights back to them.

I see them over and over again, repeating exactly what I was told over twenty-three years ago and believed for so long – adoption is different, better, than it once was because of the practice of open adoption.

And in open adoption there is to be no lies told, no secrets kept.

So why would any one of them not be concerned about the fact that adoptees in almost all states are forced to live with a lie, a secret, because they are denied what the rest of us take for granted . . . our original birth certificates. That their own children – the very ones they are certain they gave a better life to – will face the same denial of their rights if something isn’t done now to change things.

I realize that many don’t allow much of a voice to the adult adoptees who speak out. They aren’t represented on their blogs all too often. They aren’t listened to with any great interest when they speak. But I would think they would at least realize the struggles these adoptees speak of when it comes to being denied their equal rights are the same struggles their own children will face in the decades to come.

Whether they are in an open adoption or not. Whether they are happy with their situation, believe they made the best choice. None of that has absolutely any impact on the fact that their children will be denied their rights in almost every state if something isn’t done now to make changes.

And the adult adoptees, many of whom so many of the “new-generation” of First Moms disregard and refuse to listen to, are the very ones who are fighting, speaking out, writing letters, attending protests, so that they – and the young children of today’s First Moms – are restored their rights and will not have to face the same struggles they have faced in the past.

Is it fair to keep your voice out of such a fight? Is it right to support, encourage and believe in openness and do nothing to assure your own child will be given that when they grow past their childhood years?

First Moms, like those who post on BirthMom Buds, have a large audience to speak to. Adoption advocates and adoptive parents love their blogs. They link to them from their own, encourage others to read what they have to say.

It’s a perfect set-up to speak out and gain support for open records, equal rights, for all adoptees – especially your very own child. I can’t think of a better way to raise awareness than to use the support you have in the adoption world to reach those who are usually the most close-minded about the importance of restoring equal rights to adoptees. To use your belief in openness and all the wonderful things you think it does for adoption, to show them that it isn’t something to be against but to support in every way.

It’s long past time to finally step up and speak out. Because this area of adoption has not changed, and it will not change until we all, First Moms from all sides, do something about it.

This is not something that can be ignored. Especially not by those First Moms who have children that will someday become the adult adoptees being denied their rights.

If they truly support openness, an end to the lies and secrets that make up adoption, than it’s time for them to add their voices to the fight and make a real change, if not for them . . . for their children.