Friday, May 27, 2011

Who Are You Angry For?

Four and a half years ago, when I first found my oldest son’s MySpace page, it felt like a miracle. After over thirteen years of knowing nothing about him, about his life, here was this wealth of information about him. Pictures and information I could have only dreamed of having before.

And one bit of that information was his current place of employment which happened to be only an hour away from where we lived.

For me, the fear was too great to do anything with that information. I was so sure then that my son would hate me. I was so afraid of ever being able to explain to him why I gave him up when I could no longer explain it even to myself. Could no longer find any reason that would justify not fighting for and keeping him all those years ago.

Thank goodness, my husband wasn’t held back by such fears and doubts. Taking my youngest son along with him, he made the drive to my oldest son’s work and took that very first, frightening step into reuniting with him.

It was, literally, the first day of a brand new life for all of us.

It was also an act that, to this day, my oldest son’s adoptive mother is still angry with my husband for doing.

And the question is . . . who is she angry for?

Is she angry for us, my oldest son’s First Family, who never would have had to seek our oldest son out in such a way if promises hadn’t been broken and the adoption completely closed by the time my son was five years old?

Nope. That one is a definite no. Don’t even have to think twice about that one.

Is she angry for my oldest son who, though there have been ups and downs, gained another family in his life? Who, because of reunion, was aware of his family history and knew to act quickly when he was first told about the lump on his thyroid?

No. That’s not it either.

There is only one person she is angry for . . . herself. Angry because she doesn’t like how it has turned out since that first day of reunion. Because that day, to her, forced her to accept that my oldest son’s First Family didn’t just drift off into nowhere land and forget about him. And because, she lost her control over my son, no longer able to abuse him because he had nowhere else to go.

It’s as it always seems to be . . . all about her. It’s not about my son in any way, just, as I believe, it never has been.

And yet, it doesn’t surprise me that she’s that way. It doesn’t shock me that it’s that way for many other adoptees as well, making my oldest son’s experience far from unique.

When adoption is, in so many ways, about satisfying the desires of hopeful couples rather than helping out children truly in need, it only makes sense that there are going to be adoptive parents out there who will forever remain in that frame of mind, expecting it to always be about them and not about the child they adopted.

And with so much of society accepting the same beliefs, seeing no problem in taking children from capable mothers and giving them to wealthier, more successful, married couples who “deserve” a child more, you compound the problem of adoptees being used to satisfy others and being expected to keep their own feelings and desires hidden away.

Do I believe every adoptee has this experience . . . no. Do I think every adoptive parent is concerned only about themselves and their desires . . . of course not.

But the reality is, it is out there. It is a part of adoption for so many. And it can’t be ignored.

Though “selfish” is a word piled heavy on the shoulders of many First Moms, the fact is, adoption, in so many ways, in its very practice, is full of selfishness.

When couples are adopting, not to help a child but to fulfill their own desires, there is a selfish act involved. When adoption agencies counsel pregnant women on the “greatness” of adoption without informing them of the risks . . . the pain, the loss, the feelings of abandonment . . . to increase their profits, there is definitely selfishness motivating them.

And yes, if a mom TRULY falls into that very small percentage of women who doesn’t want to raise her own child because of how it might disturb her life . . . that is selfish.

So, how can it be a surprise that there are adoptive parents out there who are selfish in their belief that it is all about them. All about the ways their child is to satisfy their life. Keep them happy. Give them what they have always wanted.

How can it be anything different than an adoptee’s feelings being ignored and neglected for the considered “better” of others when society supports and promotes what is, in so many ways, a practice designed to use human beings as remedies to another’s wants, whether it be a child for the adoptive parents or money deposited into the accounts of the adoption industry.

It is a reality of adoption that, in today’s world, is never going to change.
I only wish, expectant mothers considering adoption, would step back and think of this. Think of what it does to put their child in such a position. One expected from them, not only, possibly, by their adoptive parents, but by the world they will grow up in.

I wish they could step out of the mindset of, “It won’t happen to my child,” and realize the very act of adoption puts their child at risk of being expected to always fulfill the desires and needs of another while their child’s own feelings are ignored.

It is a reality that is out there. A reality that exists for so many. And the only way to change that is to change the belief that it’s okay to take babies away from good mothers in need of some help and support and give them to someone deemed more “worthy” simply to justify a selfish desire that no child should ever be expected to fulfill.


  1. I had to share this on my blog - so profound! You connect the dots perfectly! Thank you and keep 'em coming!

  2. Linking too if I may Cassi.When adults expect children to meet the emotional needs there will always be problesm.When adoption is based on lies and not truth there will always be problems.

    What a great and sensible thing your husband did!!

  3. Thougthful post. You are far kinder than I am.

    It is most painful to see my child being deliberatly hurt by his adotpive family. Selfish!

    But I hold steady, and I am kind, and I plan. I have a fabulous black dress to wear to amom's funeral. My motto is "she who dies first loses."

    How sick has adoption made me?

  4. I hope this lets me post... blogger has been temperamental lately!

    I agree with Angelle, you are much kinder than I would have been as well!

    A comment I tried to make on your other post when it was first up was along the lines of there are things that cannot be forgiven and abuse of children heads that list.

    This woman has no right to be angry and if she IS angry she should be angry WITH herself not FOR. Angry for the way she treated your son and you. Angry with herself for being such a failure as a human being and abusing an innocent child.

    Sorry Cassi... abuse is one of those things that is on my no negotiable list and therefore unforgiveable. That along with stealing a person's family member etc. I am fairly blunt about those things. She is lucky to be walking free. She took your son's right to be a loved and cherished human being; she should be doing time and thinking about how angry she should be with herself for being such a lousy person.

    Great post. Yes, adoption is selfish. An adult fulfilling an adults wants. Adoption is not a necessity but a desire to have what you don't have and because it involves others to get that desire filled, it is pure selfishness on the adopters side. They may not see that or feel they are being selfish, doesn't change the fact that it is. And this selfishness continues as the child grows older and they want to explore who they are and are made to feel guilty by the adopters for looking for their natural parents and having a relationship with them. How selfish can they be??

    Anyway, just wanted to say, have loved the last couple of posts and you have been in my thoughts. (((Hugs)))

  5. just wanted to say that this come across as an adoption sucks rant...and as an adoptee who has a wonderful relationship with both my adoptive parents and my birthmother and her family, i understand her reasons for giving me up, and i am blessed by parents who helped me find her when i want to at 14 years old...i feel sad for you that this woman has acted this way, but i also feel sad for you that you think this gives you the right to badmouth adoption in general when adoption has provided loving hope to many many many children and has given many adoptees a life that thier birthmoms knew that they could not provide but wanted for thier children. Selfish? maybe...but keeping a baby because of someone elses experience which are not universal or unrealistic fears is pretty dang selfish too. Adoption has come a long way in the past 20 years and open adoption is growing because of peoples realization that a link to thier past is not only good for the kid, but is healing for everyone, the birthfamily, the adopted family and the child. Its unfortunate you had a bad experience, howevery i pity you because your pessimism makes you beleive that adoption is bad.

  6. Wow canadianchika, way to go in invalidating someone else and telling them how to feel. Just because you are choking back the kool aid doesn't mean others have to. Taking the cue from you, it is great your personal experience to date has been so "wondeful" for you but that seems to give you the right to tell others how their experience should be. Adoption has been a devastating experience for many, bringing much destruction and loss to many, many, many children and their families and has taken a life they were supposed to have, the life they were born to have; many going into abusive experiences and the like. Adoption has not grown at ALL in the past 20 years only the agencies have learnt how to cover up all the pain and loss and dress it as something different. But really the pain is there lurking under the surface.
    I pity YOU because you have come in here with your eyes closed and your mind full of only your situation and not of adoption in general. I am more than happy to say Adoption SUCKS but this post was about a woman who abused a child she felt entitled to take and if you want to come here and criticise Cassi for sharing what this woman has done then please take your misplaced pity and shove it where the sun doesn't shine. Cheers!

  7. @Canadianchika, until you have lost a child to adoption, (most notably open adoption, which you come here promoting as such a wonderful thing), then you can come to a first mothers blog and denounce what is written here.

    I'd especially like for you to do that when you lose a child to a fraudulent open adoption that closes just a few years down the line; and you then realize you were brainwashed, coerced and manipulated out of your own flesh and blood by greedy, self entitled adopters who could care less if you were dead or alive. Until then, take your adoption is so fabulous kool-aide somewhere else.

    The never and gall of some people...

    P.S. @Canadianchika-ADOPTION SUCKS, for US. The only people who gain are the SELFISH, all about me adopters.

  8. I meant to say "the nerve and gall of some people.... "

  9. "But I hold steady, and I am kind, and I plan. I have a fabulous black dress to wear to amom's funeral. My motto is "she who dies first loses."

    No, you are not sick... Adopter Mommy's the world over hold the same view of the women who's children they covet. They wished us dead as soon as they got our children.

    I am right there with you and I love your motto. It is right on the

  10. Canadianchika,

    I'm glad that you have a good experience with adoption. But the problem with your theory that those of us who don't share your experiences should remain silence about the darker truths is you cheat any woman considering adoption out of the right to know all sides before ever giving up her baby.

    Should we not make sure that women are aware of the risks . . . of the pain and grief, the feelings of abandonment for her child, the proven methods of coercion by the adoption agency, because of good experiences such a yours. Because of your fear that giving them all sides, including the darker side, might somehow change their minds about adoption?

    Should we not protect those mothers and children who are being separated needlessly because your experience is somehow more important than that and should be the only thing we concern ourselves with?

    Your welcome to share your feelings and experience anywhere you want, whenever you want, but don't expect to have the right to try and silence those who don't share the same feelings. To try and dismiss or deny our truths. Every woman considering adoption has the right to hear all sides, not just the good. And for me, I see it much differently if a woman, after hearing of the risks her child might face, decides to keep and raise her baby instead, there is nothing close to selfish there but instead the a very unselfish decision to protect her child.

  11. @CanadianChic. I'm also adopted and had a great life too. I love all my parents both my first family and my adoptive family. That doesn't mean I'm blind to the problems in adoption or would pity someone who is brave enough to share the problems while knowing there will be those, like you, who want to beat up on her for it. As a fellow adoptee I think you are wrong for telling this first mom to shut up because you don't like what she has to say and can't believe that adoption can be bad because you are unable to look outside your own experience. Why don't you take some time and actually look into the money and coercion involved in adoption before coming down on those who don't accept adoption as all good and wonderful as you do.

  12. @CanadianChica: Adoptee over here as well. I have (had) an awesome life and wonderful adoptive parents.

    I still wish that I had been allowed to stay with my original family.

  13. @CanadianChica - if adoption is so wonderful, which one of your own children would you like to give away. Obviously there will be some richer, smarter, family out there somewhere who would want to adopt your next baby?

    It's sad to see that someone feels that some mothers don't deserve their children and should be harvested.

    Open adoption is nothing but a joke, a cruel con which is used in order to obtain more babies for the market, babies whose mothers otherwise would have kept them. Did you know this, that it is a coercion tactic? It was developed by the industry when surrender rates began to fall and they needed more "product" in order to stay in business.

    Adoption aborts the mother. There is nothing good about. There are other, more ethical, ways to provide substitute care for children who need it And coerced surrender is not ethical.