Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Here We Go Again

Oh, it’s that time of year again.

The time of year when mothers who are without their children because of adoption are celebrated for a loss that is like no other.

The time of year when they are reminded that they aren’t “good enough” to be a mother so they cannot celebrate on the day designated to honor ALL mothers but instead must take a back seat to the day before the official holiday.

And yes, being a First Mom who dares to speak out against the day, I have heard all the reasons why such a day is a good thing. I’m aware that it was actually a First Mom who started Birth Mother’s Day. I know that many women who have lost their children to adoption find comfort in being honored for giving their child away as a gift to a couple who would not be parents without her sacrifice.

I’ve heard it over and over and over and over and over again. And I’m not even surprised by it. I was there once. I stood on my pedestal and held tight to my halo and believed I was worthy of being remembered and celebrated for the loving, mature “choice” I made to ensure my son had the kind of life I couldn’t offer him.

Had I known such a day existed while I was still deep in my denial, I’m sure I would have fought just as hard against anyone who spoke negative about it. I would have felt special for being honored for giving up my child. Proud that I could stand up on my pedestal and by thanked by the adoptive parents who saw me as the symbol for what made their family complete.

Back then it would have been exactly what I needed to remind me of the good thing I had done. It would have continued to keep away my true feelings. Would have made that sick knowledge I refused to accept, that I had given away my child, bury itself further in under the bright cloud of what a hero I was, how much I deserved to have a special day to be celebrated for what I did instead of being forced to recognize and accept the truth of what I ACTUALLY did.

But that was before . . .

Before I finally found the courage to break free from the fog and face the reality of what it was like to lose my son.

Before I stopped seeing things in the way the adoption industry wanted me to and began to see them in the true light of what it means to separate a mother and child.

Before I realized that it is easier, for so many, to accept the happy version of adoption rather than face the loss, pain and grief that comes with it.

See, whether or not Birth Mother’s Day was started by a First Mom or not. Whether it is a day that many accept the honor and celebration given to them. It is, in my book, still a day that shouldn’t exist.

Because it creates yet another false light to the truth of adoption, and encourages an acceptance of the many women and children who are unnecessarily separated.

Instead of honoring a mother for her “difficult decision” to give her child up, we should be mourning the fact that any mother, anywhere, faces such situations that they actually feel as if they have no other choice but to lose their child.

Instead of celebrating the supposed gift she gave to another couple, we should be questioning why she felt as if she wouldn’t be enough for her own child. What factors contributed to lowering her self-worth to the point she believed another woman was more worthy of her own son or daughter.

And instead of accepting a “special” day for her to be recognized, we should be fighting for her to be recognized long before adoption has ever taken place through un-biased counseling and legal protections against those who use coercion and manipulation to get her baby.

Birth Mother’s Day is yet another diversion from the truth that is adoption. It suggests that which we know, in our hearts and minds, makes no sense . . . that mothers are happy giving away their children and should be celebrated for doing so.

It’s another one of those logical realities that becomes completely illogical when adoption is thrown into the mix.

In any other situation, we would mourn and our hearts would break for any mother separated from her child without reason.

We would question how in the world any women could give away her child and then claim she was happily moving on with her life.

Our tears would flow for the innocent baby who no longer has a chance to hear his mother’s voice, smell her scent or be comforted next to the heartbeat he grew under for nine months.

And we would stand up and scream at anyone or anything that suggested children were nothing more than merchandise to be bought and sold.

But adoption changes it all and suddenly that which we would never accept becomes, not only accepted, but encouraged by so many. And Birth Mother’s Day does nothing but continue to feed such thoughts, such blindness to the true pain and damage of separating a mother and child.

It creates even thicker blinders so that nobody dares to step out and realize just how wrong adoption in today’s world truly is and creates even more support to continue blindly believing in an act that breaks one of the most important things of all . . .

The bond between a mother and her child.

44 comments:

  1. This post is offensive and is wrong for making adoption seem like a bad thing. I didn't give my daughter as a gift to her parents I gave her a gift by providing her with parents who could offer her a better life than I ever could. And you are crazy to think birthmothers already don't get counseling before they place their babies. I know I did and most birthmothers I know get all the counseling they needed through their agencies. Just because you might have had a bad experience and are now so bitter you have to take it out on everyone else doesn't give you the right to take away everything that is good about adoption.

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  2. Oh, Kim....you gave your daughter a DIFFERENT life, not a "better" life, lol. Your agency did a damned fine job with "counseling" you. You've bought the lie of adoption hook, line and sinker. You're even using the "bitter line". Send your agency a thank you card- your brainwashing is still in effect.

    Let me know how that's working for you 20 or 30 years from now, when your adopted out child rids his/herself from the kool-aid.

    There is nothing good about newborn adoption...unless of course you were a drug addict or planning on abusing your kid. Those are the ONLY reasons a child should EVER be given to strangers, and ONLY if there is no one else in his or her natural family to raise him/her.

    Cassi's experience as a first mother (and a first mother who adopted BACK her son) gives her the right to speak of the evils of the adoption industry. I also speak about it. Me...an adoptee. Will you be able to handle it when your kid tells you adoption sucked? Come back when you grow a pair.

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  3. Kim, what is offensive is YOUR comment and the fact you are okay with giving your child away to strangers. Not her family but two people who are bilogically, spirtiually and heritage wise, strangers. Only a piece of paper made them her family, Nature did not.

    As for pegging that bitter tag on Cassi... sigh, heard that one before and you know what? It has nothing to do with Cassi but you. You are so enraged at what Cassi says because it is true but you cannot handle it.

    I am sad for your daughter you believed the lie that is perpetuated about adoption. That you bought into the crap that two strangers are better than a child's mother. If your daughter's parents were supposed to have your daughter then they would have given birth to her; as it happens you did so you are her mother as Nature intended. Man created adoption for the sake of man; NOT the children and there is evidence of that going back to BC times.

    People who chose to believe the lie being sold to society that adoption is good and loving are fools. Wake up and smell the dead roses honey, there is nothing good about giving your baby away.

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  4. Cassie ~ once again you write the words of my soul. The first comment is proof of how deeply the truth of adoption loss has been concealed and buried. I don't see how anyone could read your words and find them anything but horribly sad. I do not see one single bitter word ~ I only see the sad truth of adoption loss.

    I pray that the day will come when the words of those who know and have lived with adoption loss for years will be listened to. I pray that I will see the day that the voices of those of us who live with the loss will be louder than the voices of the greedy adoption industry.

    Thank you so much for being one of the voices speaking our truths!

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  5. "There is nothing good about newborn adoption...unless of course you were a drug addict or planning on abusing your kid. Those are the ONLY reasons a child should EVER be given to strangers, and ONLY if there is no one else in his or her natural family to raise him/her."

    “I didn't give my daughter as a gift to her parents I gave her a gift by providing her with parents who could offer her a better life than I ever could. And you are crazy to think birthmothers already don't get counseling before they place their babies. I know I did…” – Kim, I am sorry I just don’t get it. Children are not “gifts” to be given away to strangers, but my grandpa tried sell my mom in a bar for a gambling debt, one act is just as noble as the other, I suppose.
    Cassi, Myst, Susie, (((hugs))) I am so sorry that your discussions were made before you realized the horrible toll it would take on your lives and souls, I will be thinking of all of you on Sunday.

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  6. Kim, a child is never ever a 'gift', whatever the adoption industry says and promotes and however much adopters pay.Children are not possessions or commodities although they are treated that way.
    The counselling mothers receive is not what a real counsellor would call counselling....empowering, enabling true choice and looking at options with truth and reality without an agenda.No counsellor who works for an agency can ever offer effective counselling because they are not unbiased or independent.
    Adoption is a bad thing for many adoptees and mothers. Why is it that those who see the truth through their own experiences are called 'bitter' or 'angry' and their words judged as offensive? Those of us who between us have a vast experience of adoption could call you 'misguided', 'duped' and a number of other labels. None of that would be helpful or kind. You are where you are and believe what you believe.Perhaps one day you will see things differently and be less judgemental about the experiences and views of others.

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  7. Sorry, Kim I just re read your comment for the 10th time and realize that you said you gave your child the “gift” of parents who could offer her a better life. But still short of being a drug addict –I don’t get it. Kids need parents, not things. Believe me abandoning a child NEVER feels like a gift to that child, it is a wound that leaves scars for generations.

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  8. Beware the BITTER bombs!!!

    No Kim, what is offensive is those of us who are mothers, not BIRTH mothers, being given another day to celebrate the motherhood that we rightfully deserve to celebrate on Mother's Day.

    What is offensive, Kim is the fact so many of us lost our children unnecessarily, to an industry that only has dollar signs in their eyes, and OUR children provided them those dollars.

    What is offensive, Kim is that some woman who thinks she is so much more worthy than you of your own flesh and blood get's to celebrate that day with your child while you are forgotten about. She isn't more worthy. She only thinks she is and you coming here with your happy dappy adoption is so wonderful rhetoric only reinforces that for her.

    My son's adopter will never get that from the likes of me. She manipulated my child from me with lies and false promises of an bogus 'open adoption'. I refuse to call her my son's mother and I never will. I don't care who that "offends".

    (Happy Birth Mother's Day??!!) NO THANKS.

    That is just a few of "offensive" things about domestic infant adoption, as it is practiced in this country. I could go on and on...

    Come back in a few years when the adoption kool-aid has worn off. You can be rest assured that it will...

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  9. Kim, I am an amom and honestly, I think your comment is misplaced here. This is Cassie's blog-- her place to write her truth. Her experience and feelings are just as true for her as your experience is for you and you should respect that. When you post something such as you have-- you are the one who comes across as being bitter, which really makes me think that you are not as "OK" with placing your child for adoption as you claim.

    Regarding the Saturday before Mother's Day-- I've always known it as Step-Mothers Day! Oh
    Gawd, being a step-mom, I would never relegate my daughter’s moms to that of Step-mom!

    Mother's Day-- I've been thinking about it more in terms of my daughters this year. Our tradition is to go to a nursery and I pick out some shrubbery or a tree or something for our yard. I am going to add to this tradition and suggest that the girls pick out something they like for their moms.

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  10. I meant to also write that I am a Step-mom and it is far from a walk in the park-- even though I have a good relationship with my stepkids-- it is a difficult role.

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  11. Thank you Cassi, another beautifully written piece. Birth Mother's Day, like Mother's Day, is a slap in the face for me.

    Kim, I did receive "counseling" with the agency, I even stayed in touch with the "counselor" for 21 years. This is how the Agencies keep you filled with their kool aid. Come back a re-read your comment when your child turns 21 and the agency throws you aside like yesterday's trash. You will realize how they manipulated you and you will become angry with them, and with yourself for believing their "pretty lies". The kool aid does wear off eventually...and you will need people like Cassi to help you realize that you are not alone.

    Cassi, again, thank you for writing this. Lots of hugs.

    ~InBlindFaith

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  12. I had never heard of "Birth Mother's Day" before last week and I honestly thought it was a joke. To me, I always celebrated BOTH my mother's on Mother's Day. Mother's Day is about people who gave birth and raised you. Well, I just had two different women doing those roles rather than one, and both of them deserved to be recognized.

    I also think that the first commenter is spewing crap because she's bitter about placing her daughter. That's how I read it. What's that quote about protesting too much?

    Happy MOTHER'S Day in advance Cassi. I hope you have a wonderful day!

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  13. Kim,

    Most of my experience was actually very similar to many of the First Moms of today but you are right, it was a bad experience because there is nothing good in losing your child for any reason. Nothing good in spending years in denial, unable to feel the true loss and grief that being without my son caused.

    As for the counseling from adoption agencies, that is far from any sort of unbiased counseling. Anyone who benefits or profits from a mother giving up her child should NEVER be the one to counsel a pregnant mother about adoption.

    And remember, adoption NEVER guarantees a better life, just a different one.

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  14. ***Regarding the Saturday before Mother's Day-- I've always known it as Step-Mothers Day! Oh
    Gawd, being a step-mom, I would never relegate my daughter’s moms to that of Step-mom!***

    Reena,

    I never knew that. As someone who has been blessed with two amazing step-moms in my life (my dad is on his third marriage)I would never think to celebrate them on any other day than Mother's Day.

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  15. That is great Cassie! DH's Ex has created a loyalty issue with the kids toward me as well as DH and most of his family. The kids push back with regard to their relationship with DH, our daughters, and DH's family--but not so much with me. There has to be a limit to their 'disloyalty' and they are simply kids.

    I have a good relationship with them but it is limited because of their mom's feelings. I have not ever pushed because I do not think that would be fair to them.

    This is the type of position I do not want my girls to ever feel like they are in-- divided loyalty between two different parents. I have and continue to witness how negatively this effects my stepkids when just one parent imposes these kinds of emotional restrictions and it really isn't a pretty situation to say the least.

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  16. To Linda. I can never understand how any adoptee could speak bad about adoption. It gave you a better life and how could there be anything wrong with that. I am noit worried about my daughter and her feelings when she grows up because I already know she has a wonderful life and will have nothing but happiness for being adopted. So neither me or my daughter need your concern.

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  17. Really Kim? Do you know anything about Linda's adoption story? Do you really know anything about ANY of our adoption stories? I'm not going to tell you Linda's story, but I wouldn't wish her childhood on my future children.

    ADOPTION DOES NOT GUARENTEE A BETTER LIFE, JUST A DIFFERENT ONE!

    For some, the better life is with their biological parents! There are adoptees who are abused, assalted, and murdered by their adoptive parents. How can you think that it's automatically a better life?

    Unless you have walked in our shoes, you cannot tell us how to feel. YOU HAVE NO RIGHT!

    I'm sorry Cassi for spewing on your blog but some people make me so mad.

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  18. Jenn,

    Don't be sorry at all. With a comment like this . . .

    "I can never understand how any adoptee could speak bad about adoption. It gave you a better life and how could there be anything wrong with that . . . "

    I fully believe every adoptee who feels the need to do so, has a right to say whatever they wish in return.

    Kim,

    All I can say to you right now is, I highly suggest you do some research about adoptees and their feelings. Visit the adoptees blogs that are listed on my blog roll. Read the books that are out there about adoptee issues. And educate yourself the best you can. If you don't, I fear, you will be setting the stage to cause your daughter unnecessary pain in the future. And if you love her so much that you believe you gave her a better life through adoption (I still say just a different life) than I think the very last thing you would want to do is risk hurting her in any way in the future.

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  19. "I can never understand how any adoptee could speak bad about adoption. It gave you a better life and how could there be anything wrong with that . . . "

    Kim,

    I am an adult adoptee. I had a good adoptive family (to a point) but don't you believe that I only have good things to say about adoption.

    Not every adoptive family give a good or better life than the natural family could. For the sake of your child PLEASE research some adoptee books. I fear you are BOTH in for a rude awakening if you don't get your head out of the clouds.

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  20. @Kim:

    A "better life"? Like this adoptee had, right?

    http://m.gazette.com/articles/colorado-117329-abusing-lovato.html

    And, sadly, he's far from the only one who ends up in such a family. I have heard and read many sad stories. I have a sad story of my own, actually.

    Truth is mothers have no way of knowing what the future holds when they place their babies with strangers. Having more money and resources does not equal having more love or even better mental health. Go ahead and believe the propaganda if it helps you sleep at night, but, if you hope to have any kind of good relationship with your daughter someday, you might want to educate yourself on what we adoptees really have to go through. Even those who luck out and have great adoptive families do not completely escape the pain.

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  21. Kim-I am not a first mom, adoptive mom or adoptee. I am instead a woman who may never become a mother and have accepted that fate. I used to believe adoption was the answer and even started the process until I started reading and learning more and realized I did not want to be a part of something so ethically wrong in so many ways. It was then I decided to give up any thought of adopting and decided to live my life to the fullest with how I am and what I have now.

    And, ironically, one of the things that convinced that there was so much wrong in infant adoption was the many times I heard first moms repeating the same script just as you have done here. I couldn't possibly believe there was no reason behind the fact that those first moms who are happy with their experience say the same things over again like robots.
    It made me suspicious of what was happening to them. What are they being told that they spew off, almost word for word, the exact same feelings as the writer before them and after them.
    There is something seriously wrong in that.
    And I don't tell you those things to upset you. I only tell you that so maybe you will step back and atleast look at things from a different perspective. It might do you some good.
    And something else I have seen as well is first moms like Cassi and the others who have commented here who get stones thrown at them by the happy first moms who don't like what they have to say and yet stand up immediately when the same throwers are in trouble and need someone to understand. It is an important thing to remember before going around insulting those who you just might need in the future.

    --Maryanne--

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  22. Oh and P.S. Cassi, I just want to say, I have read your blog for some time and it was one of the main influences that first set me into looking at adoption differently. I have never commented here but I want you to know that you have made a difference and I agree with you that Birthmothers Day should be flushed down the toilet and forgotten forever.

    --Maryanne__

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  23. Kim,

    You are fighting so hard to hold onto the lies you were told because it would be excruciatingly painful to realize that you and your child were both harmed by being separated, probably forever. And yet...you need to go through that pain. The truth, as ugly as it can be, is always better than lying to yourself.

    Cassi,

    I'm sorry you're hurting. Jenn sent me here, and I can see why she enjoys reading your posts. I wish you peace. And a Happy Mother's Day, every day of the year.

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  24. Wow Kim. I'm sorry that you feel that you were not enough for your own child. As an adult adoptee, I hope one day that you can be truly honest with yourself and come to understand that your child has always needed, and still needs, you. Just you.

    Also, I would advise against speaking for your child or any other adoptee. You do not know if any of us had what we considered to be a "better life" because of adoption. Speaking for myself, my life was simply different. Not better.

    Cassi, your words and thoughts here are important because they not only express your truth but the truth for so many. My thoughts are with you.

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  25. "To Linda. I can never understand how any adoptee could speak bad about adoption. It gave you a better life and how could there be anything wrong with that. I am noit worried about my daughter and her feelings when she grows up because I already know she has a wonderful life and will have nothing but happiness for being adopted. So neither me or my daughter need your concern."

    That's because YOU are not adopted. Oh, and because CLEARLY, you have not taken the time to see how adoption affects "most" adoptees. You are still under the influence of your baby broker. They wouldn't DARE tell you how adoption affects the PRODUCT. And yes, Kin, your daughter is PRODUCT, just as I was product- sold to adoptive parents under the lie of the so-called "better life".

    Adoptive parents have affairs. Adoptive parents lose their jobs. Adoptive parents get divorced. They also abuse & kill their children, too.

    First Mothers are sold a bill of lies when they are vulnerable. Most First Mothers cannot see through their vulnerability and recognize that their situation (youth, economics and marital status) are TEMPORARY. Adoption is a PERMANENT solution to a TEMPORARY problem.

    I didn't want strangers with things, I wanted MY MOTHER. You have NO IDEA the kind of life I lead, but I will tell you this- MOST of the adoptees I know feel the same. And having a first Mother who insists (through her own narcissism and ignorance) that she gave her child a better life is only hurting her child and herself.

    Believe me, my concern is not for you- I see plenty of first Mothers who would rather live in the land of denial. My concern is your flippant disregard for an adoptees feelings. Shame on you. Your daughter may be just like me....and THEN what will you say???

    Trust me- you have NO idea how your daughter feels, and neither do her ap's. We never tell...until we are older and we have had enough of people telling us how we should feel, or tire of the dismissive bullshit that is thrown at us.

    Sorry, but I will worry about your daughter. Some one needs to. And when she grows up and start talking, I, along with other adoptees who reject the lies of the adoption industry, will be there to listen. Will you???

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  26. "It gave you a better life and how could there be anything wrong with that."

    Because adoption puts a price on everything and tells you to be grateful you exist at all.

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  27. Wow now it makes sense why this blog and others are on the black list and why our counselors highly suggest we don't read them. What I have read here is absolutely crazy and makes no sense. I'm sorry if you all feel as if you have had a bad experience and think its okay to take that out on others but you really have no clue about the adoption and how wonderful it is. Don't worry about me or my daughter because we will be just fine. Both my daughters adoptive parents and myself agree that the best thing for her is to know just how much I loved her and how much they loved her and how we both did what we could do to give her a better life. She will always know that and won't need anyone so bitter and angry to help her when she has love and care to help her instead. And I fell most sorry for the Birthmoms and Adoptive moms of all you adoptees who throw back everything they did into their faces. How could you do that when you know that you wouldn't ever have what you did in your life if it wasn't for the fact that your Birthmom loved you enough to place you with a family that loved you enough to give you everything you deserved. Wow I'm just really in shock by all of this and think maybe there are some people here who need to seek help.

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  28. "if it wasn't for the fact that your Birthmom loved you enough to place you with a family that loved you enough to give you everything you deserved."

    Guess I deserved to be hit and belittled and molested. I really was a terrible baby, wasn't I? Does that mean she loved me enough to give me the punishment I deserved, or was it really that she saw my badness?

    You have /no/ idea what happens behind the closed doors of your adoptee's house. You cannot control what sort of life you give your child if you are not the one raising her.

    And just a by the way: Abuse happens more often in families where one or more adults in the household is biologically unrelated to the child. Statistically speaking, so much for that better life you think you gave her.

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  29. "I'm sorry if you all feel as if you have had a bad experience and think its okay to take that out on others"

    I did not have a bad experience, so your point is moot.

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  30. "Blacklist" Bwahahahahahaha!! Cassi!! We're doing something right, girl!! Yeah- your brainwasher's don't want you to read anything that goes against their cult programming.

    Kim- Please get some help for yourself.

    "How could you do that when you know that you wouldn't ever have what you did in your life if it wasn't for the fact that your Birthmom loved you enough to place you with a family that loved you enough to give you everything you deserved."

    I KNOW my story. I deserved to be with my NATURAL FAMILY. Not strangers. I did not deserve to live a life filled with sorrow. Adoption IS a bad experience. Even if we had no abuse or neglect from our adopters, we still suffered because we missed our Mothers. It sucked living with people we were nothing like me.

    Stop saying we were given up out of love. Do you have any idea of what that concept does to a child? It says, "People who love you leave you." It is the most damaging things adopters or first parents could say to a child.

    For people my age, we were not "given up out of love". We were given up because our mothers had NO CHOICE. Abortion was not legal. There was no child support. Pregnant single women could not get jobs, insurance or housing. Adoption was the ONLY option. Not a choice. Love had NOTHING to do with it. YOU had a choice. YOU had resources available to you that Mothers from my era did not have. Stop using love as an excuse. You caved & you fell victim to the adoption agency.

    Everyone here sees it. Now, wake up, read some books and come back when you come to your senses.

    Nancy Verrier's "The Primal Wound" and BJ Lifton's books will help you to see this from an adoptee perspective. The first Moms here can help you with some books for Mothers.

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  31. That last comment of Kim's spoke volumes about her mind set and the way she views her child.

    Tha fact she has so rudely dimissed and invalidated the experience of so many adopted adults shows her disrespect for her own child and the fact that she doesn't see her daughter as her own person but a thing that can be manipulated and told how to feel and what to feel.

    In reading her last comment I can see that her daughter was not even considered in this decision; that it was all about the adults and THEIR decisions.

    People like Kim are in such denial about adoption one has to wonder what their self talk is to enable themselves to believe the garbage they are spewing.

    Kim, if this blog is "blacklisted" (hehehe, love it!!) then WHY are you here if only to hurl insults? Rather immature and closed minded don't you think? If you were here to read and learn then this is not the way. From what you have said though, I doubt you took the time to open your mind and really allow the truth of this blog post and others really sink in.

    If you are brave enough, I would suggest you take the advice so graciously given to you by other mothers and adopted adults and read the books listed and actually LEARN something. Go on, I dare you...

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  32. Really Kim?

    Black Listed?

    If this blog and other blogs by Adoptees really don’t know anything—then why are agencies so concerned about PAP reading them?

    They shouldn’t be.

    Black listed? That in itself says plenty.

    I think reading blogs like this one should be part of the home study (HS) process.

    You want another view from a blog on open adoption-- Chronicles of Munchkin land; how about Declassified Adoptee for an adult Adoptee perspective?

    Mei Lings Blog and Yoon’s Blur for international adoption—I sent the links to several blogs to our Social Worker suggesting she give them to PAP to read. I don’t know if she did or not . . .

    Part of me also wonders if ‘Kim” isn’t a troll. It is a little too over the top.

    Is there any way to check that?

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  33. ***Is there any way to check that?***

    Reena,

    I'm don't know much about how to track such things. I do know, since she was the first commenter and I could track from that point, that she found my blog through Grown In My Heart. But that is about all I know.

    Kim,

    If I'm blacklisted, that is an award I would LOVE to put on my blog. Is there a site where I can "grab my badge?" :)

    I don't know if you are a troll, as Reena suggested, or not. But I hope, if there is a truth to anything you have shared here, you will step back, take some time to process what you read, especially from the adult adoptees who commented, and find some balance that might help you find the desire to learn more.

    I think, if you truly felt the need to lash out here and disregard what adoptees had to tell you, then you are fighting against something inside of you. Finding support and educating yourself are good ways to try to come to terms with whatever it is that is bothering you.

    And if nothing else, for whatever reason you might have left your comments, there is good in it because, hopefully others will read what adoptees had to say here and will learn from it.

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  34. I feel sorry for Kim.
    It's one thing that she feels good about relinquishing her daughter. She is entitled to her opinion, but I don't see the need for her to come and blast people who have very different opinions and experiences about adoption.
    If she's so happy then why is she such a hater?
    I feel sorry for her daughter because there are obviously big expectations on her to be the good obedient cookie cutter adoptee.
    That is no way to live. Poor kid.
    I'm sending positive vibes to Kim's daughter hoping she can survive the outlandish expectations placed on her by this woman. I hope she makes it into adulthood in one piece.

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  35. Kim, if adoption is so wonderful, then why did it lead my son to be suicidal from the pain it caused him? Why did he tell me he would have rather have been ABORTED THAN ADOPTED. Why did he ask me to adopt him back? Why did he need massive counselling and a victim services worker with the Police to help him escape the abuse from his adopters, whom he was too terrified to leave even as an adult?

    Oh yeah, he also was given everything money could buy. These abusers were rich, educated, professionals. But they should not have been given even dogs to raise -- the "she" of the couple was extremely emotionally abusive to all the children.

    I am very curious as to what agency your counsellor is employed at, and who maintains this blacklist.

    If your counsellor works for an adoption agency or adoption lawyer, then that agency makes $25,000 or more for every baby they can sell. That's why they won't tell you the truth: they are in conflict-of-interest. If they told mothers the truth, then they would go bankrupt. Adoption is big business. Adoptees are the commodities. Mothers are the targets. :(

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  36. The day the adoption industry and their people start to blacklist blogs, we have definitely scared them. YEAH! Our voices will only get louder - and that will effect their incomes.
    Years ago, I was labelled a lethal journalist (by a minister) because I wrote a lovely feature story about a mother who lost her son to AIDS. The minister wrote a letter to the editor - me! They can try and silence us and even threaten us but it won't work with a free press and the internet.
    Cassi, I give you a SPECIAL BADGE OF HONOR for your blog! And I shared this post on my blog www.splitfeathers.blogspot.com.
    Keep up the good work!

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  37. Gosh!!! How do we get on the blacklist and is that a PC term these days? Congratulations to all who are on the list, what a tribute to the truth of adoption and the truth you all write and are dedicated to.
    Kim, hopefully when the adoption fog lifts you may see how it really is.Your child will one day be an adult adoptee like us.Her issues will be her own but I'd lay money on her having issues.Adoption is about loss, all adoption, no matter how open, how wonderful you all are, the adoptee experiences loss. That's not bitter, angry talk it's fact.

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  38. I have finally stopped laughing long enough to post a comment after reading this from Kim:

    "Wow now it makes sense why this blog and others are on the black list and why our counselors highly suggest we don't read them."

    Blacklisted?!? Really? Oh right, but the agency wants to make sure you make a fully informed decision after considering all angles and that you are doing what's best for yourself and your baby. Right! It sounds more like a cult mentality to me. Be sure you don't listen to those first mothers who are older and wiser, who have been down this path before you and who now see how manipulated, exploited and brainwashed they were and who regret every day of their lives giving their child away. And certainly don't listen to those adult adopteees who actually LIVED BEING ADOPTED. You know the ones who got a wonderful/okay/awful adoptive family but regardless have lived their whole lives in pain and feel terribly damaged from being adopted and wouldn't recommend adoption to anyone.

    As an adult adoptee I am offended hearing you speak for how your daughter will feel when she grows up. Was it an agency worker who told you she would be perfectly happy and "grateful" that you gave her up? Did they tell you that you and she can have a relationship later as if you had never separated? Well, you have no idea how your daughter will feel. She may not be so happy to have been given away and she may not even want a relationship with you in adulthood.

    Kim,

    You need to listen and learn. I'm sure when the kool-aid wears off there will be many first mothers (and adoptees, too) who will be there to help you.

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  39. @Von,

    I agree with you. If we're being blacklisted we must really be on to something. We all deserve a "you go, girl (guy)" for that. Maybe we're cutting into their profits. Isn't that a lovely thought on Mother's Day.

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  40. I am adopted, as are a few of my good friends....

    How DARE you tell people adoption is bad...that's a pretty general statement. I have non-adopted friends who have bad lives as well, I'm sorry for those of you who hate it so much.

    I have the most amazing parents in the world. I wouldn't trade them for anything. My birth "mother" who my Parents not adoptive parents...they are my parents because they RAISED me. Said how great my birth mother was, and blah blah. They tried to make me have a relationship with her...she was ok, but I hate her for throwing me away. I lose NO sleep over it.

    she recently was sick and wanted to "renew our bond" I laughed at her.

    She will never be HALF the woman my "adoptive" mother is.

    I hope future adopted children have my amazing experience. I'm sorry some of you had such awful lives.

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  41. Boy Abby, your just a ray of rainbows and sunshine adoption is so wonderful...

    How DARE you come here and slap us all in the face after we come here in anguish over losing our children. I suppose we all have to pay because your "mother threw you away". Your adopters spoke "so well" of her yet you speak of her as you do?

    You "laugh" at her when she is ill and wanted to know you? She is LUCKY she doesn't have you in her life. She is better off.

    Never be "half" the woman adopter mommy is? Wow, such a sweet thing to say about the woman who suffered so adopter mommy could gain.

    What a JERK.

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  42. And then Abby apologizes for her typos. What a LAUGH...

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  43. I always wonder when those like Abbey get so upset with myself and others who are speaking out and fighting for change, do they really believe their good experience should mean that we do nothing for those mothers who are coerced and manipulated by the adoption industry. For the children who are needlessly separated from their biological family. Should we all just throw up our arms and declare, "Never mind. Since (insert name) had a good experience we should just shut up now and not care about the rest. They obviously don't matter compared to (insert name)'s good experience."

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