Oh, it’s that time of year again.
The time of year when mothers who are without their children because of adoption are celebrated for a loss that is like no other.
The time of year when they are reminded that they aren’t “good enough” to be a mother so they cannot celebrate on the day designated to honor ALL mothers but instead must take a back seat to the day before the official holiday.
And yes, being a First Mom who dares to speak out against the day, I have heard all the reasons why such a day is a good thing. I’m aware that it was actually a First Mom who started Birth Mother’s Day. I know that many women who have lost their children to adoption find comfort in being honored for giving their child away as a gift to a couple who would not be parents without her sacrifice.
I’ve heard it over and over and over and over and over again. And I’m not even surprised by it. I was there once. I stood on my pedestal and held tight to my halo and believed I was worthy of being remembered and celebrated for the loving, mature “choice” I made to ensure my son had the kind of life I couldn’t offer him.
Had I known such a day existed while I was still deep in my denial, I’m sure I would have fought just as hard against anyone who spoke negative about it. I would have felt special for being honored for giving up my child. Proud that I could stand up on my pedestal and by thanked by the adoptive parents who saw me as the symbol for what made their family complete.
Back then it would have been exactly what I needed to remind me of the good thing I had done. It would have continued to keep away my true feelings. Would have made that sick knowledge I refused to accept, that I had given away my child, bury itself further in under the bright cloud of what a hero I was, how much I deserved to have a special day to be celebrated for what I did instead of being forced to recognize and accept the truth of what I ACTUALLY did.
But that was before . . .
Before I finally found the courage to break free from the fog and face the reality of what it was like to lose my son.
Before I stopped seeing things in the way the adoption industry wanted me to and began to see them in the true light of what it means to separate a mother and child.
Before I realized that it is easier, for so many, to accept the happy version of adoption rather than face the loss, pain and grief that comes with it.
See, whether or not Birth Mother’s Day was started by a First Mom or not. Whether it is a day that many accept the honor and celebration given to them. It is, in my book, still a day that shouldn’t exist.
Because it creates yet another false light to the truth of adoption, and encourages an acceptance of the many women and children who are unnecessarily separated.
Instead of honoring a mother for her “difficult decision” to give her child up, we should be mourning the fact that any mother, anywhere, faces such situations that they actually feel as if they have no other choice but to lose their child.
Instead of celebrating the supposed gift she gave to another couple, we should be questioning why she felt as if she wouldn’t be enough for her own child. What factors contributed to lowering her self-worth to the point she believed another woman was more worthy of her own son or daughter.
And instead of accepting a “special” day for her to be recognized, we should be fighting for her to be recognized long before adoption has ever taken place through un-biased counseling and legal protections against those who use coercion and manipulation to get her baby.
Birth Mother’s Day is yet another diversion from the truth that is adoption. It suggests that which we know, in our hearts and minds, makes no sense . . . that mothers are happy giving away their children and should be celebrated for doing so.
It’s another one of those logical realities that becomes completely illogical when adoption is thrown into the mix.
In any other situation, we would mourn and our hearts would break for any mother separated from her child without reason.
We would question how in the world any women could give away her child and then claim she was happily moving on with her life.
Our tears would flow for the innocent baby who no longer has a chance to hear his mother’s voice, smell her scent or be comforted next to the heartbeat he grew under for nine months.
And we would stand up and scream at anyone or anything that suggested children were nothing more than merchandise to be bought and sold.
But adoption changes it all and suddenly that which we would never accept becomes, not only accepted, but encouraged by so many. And Birth Mother’s Day does nothing but continue to feed such thoughts, such blindness to the true pain and damage of separating a mother and child.
It creates even thicker blinders so that nobody dares to step out and realize just how wrong adoption in today’s world truly is and creates even more support to continue blindly believing in an act that breaks one of the most important things of all . . .
The bond between a mother and her child.