Four and a half years ago, I sat at my desk and did what I had done so many times before, searched the internet for my oldest son who I had lost to adoption.
In the past I had always searched for him through his first name and what I had always believed was his last name. I didn’t know about the divorce of his adoptive parents when he was five. I didn’t know his adoptive mom had changed his last name many times after that point.
But on that day, back in December of 2006, for whatever reason, I decided to search MySpace with only his first name and the city where I believed he lived.
And I found him. I knew when I was watching the slide show of pictures on his page. There was a close up of his face and his eyes . . . oh his eyes . . . I knew that had to be him because those were my eyes I was looking in to.
I can remember screaming for my husband. To this day, when he tells that story he always includes the fact that he had never heard me sound that way. Such a mixture of pain and happiness. Frantic and overjoyed with finding my son. It was a moment I will forever remember. A time in my life that was so thrilling and terrifying all wrapped up into one.
There was a lot of tears that day. Mine and my husbands, his natural father, our parents, even friends who understood just what it meant to finally find my oldest son. My two younger sons, already on MySpace, immediately sent friend requests. And daily we watched his page, learned about him and his life through his pictures and the information he shared there.
That was, in every way, the first moment that was to change my life, my family’s life, forever.
Today, my oldest son is back in my life in every way possible. Just a month before his twenty-first birthday, my husband and I adopted him back. He’s become his little sister’s hero. Been there to toast his youngest brother at his wedding. Is looking forward to becoming an uncle for the first time.
There is no area in my life now that he is not a part of. He’s there, always there, just as much as all my other children. He’s a part of me, a part of my life, in every way. I could never, and would never, go back to those long, empty years when he was gone and that emptiness filled my heart and soul.
Which is why, today, as we face a new challenge we never expected, I know I will fight for whatever it is my oldest son needs.
He’s been diagnosed with cancer. Papillary Thyroid Cancer, to be exact.
A little over a month ago, he was in a car accident, and though his injuries were very minor, he did, after pressure from his mother, agree to go to the hospital to be checked out.
While there, during the tests they ran, it was discovered that he had a calcium buildup on his thyroid gland. And I will thank God everyday now that he was back in our lives before this happened. Because I knew immediately it wasn’t something to be ignored. I knew because I have hypothyroid disease, because my cousin was diagnosed with Thyroid Cancer and has been in treatment for it since this summer.
We had the knowledge to know and understand the importance of my oldest son getting in for a biopsy as soon as possible. It wasn’t something to play around with or ignore. Not with the family history we have.
And because of that, he’s been diagnosed early enough that his chances are very, very good.
I will pray every day for him. I will ask God, as often as I have to, to not take this amazing wonderful son of mine from my life. He’s strong and he’s stubborn and I have to believe he will fight this and he will win.
Because the alternative is not something I will ever allow myself to consider.
My son is good. My son is working hard to make a difference in this world. He needs to be here. He needs to be allowed to achieve what he wants for himself, for his future.
He won’t leave my life again. I won’t allow it. I will fight with every last breath I have. I will be his strength when he needs it. His support to get him through this.
There is no other choice. There never can be.
This world needs the amazing young man he is. This world will only benefit from all he has to offer.
There is no alternative to that. No “but ifs.” No excuses.
He deserves the future he has ahead of him. And I will use everything in my power to make sure he gets exactly that!