Wednesday, March 23, 2011

God Won't Answer

I have so many questions running through my head these days that I just want answers to. So many “whys” that I so desperately wish I could find the reasons for.

But I can’t and I never will, because the one who I want to answer me, to explain, is one that never will.

I’ve never been one who can recite bible verses from memory. The only time I’ve ever even known all the books of the bible was when I had to memorize them in order, first to last, old testament and new, for my confirmation when I was fourteen.

I readily admit to not being educated in many of God’s teachings or understanding, as so many others do, His direction in His words. I don’t talk like the “Godly” do. I don’t fill my life with scripture to constantly keep me “in line” or “in check” with what He wants from me.

But I have never lost my faith in Him. I have never questioned His existence or the powerful hold He has in my life.

I have though, recently, found myself angry with Him. Very angry with Him.
Because I can’t, and never will, understand . . .why . . .

Why does my oldest son have to continuously face so much pain when he deserves so much happiness?

Why wasn’t it enough that he had to be abandoned by his mother and father at birth, only to be abandoned by his adoptive father by the time he was five years old? Why did he have to live a life of being abused, both mentally and physically, by his adoptive mother and step-father? Why is it that only now, after more than twenty years, his adoptive family is starting to realize how special and amazing he is when they should have known it from the very start?

And why . . . why . . .why . . . after all he has already been through, all the struggles life has given him, does he now have to face and fight the threat of cancer in his life?

I just don’t understand it and I just don’t know if I even want to try anymore.

I keep thinking of all of those who I come across in the world of adoption who claim God has control over everything that happens in our life. That it is His doing when a child is separated from his or her mother. That it is His hand that creates the loss and pain we suffer with.

And I wonder how they can truly believe that. How they can really look inside themselves, inside their belief, and hold on so loyally to such a thought.

I want those who believe such things to look me in the eye and to tell me that God meant for my oldest son to suffer, over and over again. I want them to explain to me why He would ever bring such a fate on someone who is good, worthy, and working to build a future that revolves around helping others, comforting others, and supporting them in a way he never was.

I want to know if they truly believe that my son has to suffer, I have to suffer, my entire family has to suffer because of some supposed sin I committed way back when I became pregnant. If they continue to hold their faith that this is God’s way and that somehow all the pain and loss and grief is meant to be.

I want them, or God, or somebody, to tell me why it is, after all my oldest son has gone through, that he still has to go through so much more. Why him? Why this amazing young man who never deserved anything that life has dealt out to him?

I just want to know why.

And yet, I know I have to accept that I never will know why. I will never get the answers I seek.

And I will never know, even if I ask a million times, why it is through adoption, abuse, and now cancer, my oldest son continually has to face so much pain in such a short life that he always deserved to have filled with good.

11 comments:

  1. God did not do this, He doesn’t deserve this and there is NO way to explain it.

    I am so sorry that bad stuff happens to innocent people.

    (((HUGS))) I will hold your son and your family in my heart.

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  2. (((hugs)))

    I don't have any answers for you Cassi.

    The shortest verse in the Bible comes to mind: "Jesus wept." Jesus witnessed the pain and suffering his friends and it made him cried deeply. I believe Jesus weeps for you too.

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  3. Just as I received your comment that you were wrapping my family in prayer... I was finishing reading this post..and figuring out how to tell you that I was wrapping your family in my prayers. Like you, I can't memorize things for my life and Bible quotes don't flow out of me. But, nevertheless, I am also full of faith. I am so thankful that your son is where he belongs and he has you, dear Cassie, to embrace him on this difficult walk. I don't know the 'why' of it all. There is so much in this world right now that makes me ask...why? None of it is deserved and it is hard to imagine an explanation that would make much sense. But, I take your hand and continue to believe that hope and healing are just around the corner...for you and your son. And all who are crying out around the world.

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  4. Oh, Cassi...I don't even know what to say to you, other than to say Im sorry and that none of this is fair.

    Ive never really believed in God. I was told "God intended for me to be adopted", and I turned my back on him (or the ideas people have about him/her/it) the day I was told that-so long ago that I don't even remember.

    All I know is that bad things happen to good people...and it sucks.

    I hope things get better, and soon, and Im so sorry you guys are hurting.

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  5. I am sorry for what you and your family is suffering. I can't give you answers but I do know that God has his reasons and that there will come a time when you will see and understand why he has taken such a route in your life.

    I will be praying for you and I hope you will also continue to pray, for the answers you seek and the guidance you need to come to an understanding about what has happened to you and your family.

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  6. ((((Cassi))))

    I don't believe its God that controls our lives. The why question is one I used to scream at the top of my lungs so the whole neighbourhood could hear me...

    And then I realised, if He controlled us, then He wouldn't be the God I believed in all my life.

    Go evr intends or causes anything to happen. He doesn't plan for anything nor does He have a set purpose for us. Like a parent, all He wants for us is our best and yet we live in a world torn apart by others; I am sure in everything that has happened He has wept many times yet if He stepped in and put a stop to it then it would be the end of the world.

    Like it says in Matthew, the sun rises on the evil and the good; the rain falls on the righteous and unrighteous. God did not choose this for your family and He weeps alongside you, for you and for your son. Life is just not fair. Have you ever seen the movie "Princess Bride"? Its a favourite in our family and one of my favourite lines is "Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling you something" Because it is.

    I am so sorry Cassi. For everything you have been through and all that you are going through as well as what your family is suffering. I wish there was something easy to say to take away all this sorrow, heartache and the feeling of just not knowing.

    Sending lots of love and prayers,
    Myst xxx

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  7. "but I do know that God has his reasons and that there will come a time when you will see and understand why he has taken such a route in your life."

    TOTAL B.S. There is no god who allows one woman and her family to gain at the expense and suffering of another woman and her family. That is a cop out and I am so sick and disgusted of hearing that.

    Adoption is MAN made and the things that people do to one another in the name adoption is MAN made. It's called selfishness, greed and self-entitlement of someone else's flesh and blood; of someone else's child that does not belong to you.

    Leave your god out of it. Your god didn't have a damn thing to do with it...

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  8. Oh Cassie ~ I wish there were answers, but there aren't. Life just isn't fair.

    I also don't believe that God has anything to do with all of this suffering. As Anon said, adoption is man-made, not a natural act of God's.

    God gave us free will. WE control our lives, not God who is there to guide us if we choose to listen.

    Look at it this way ~ imagine if you and your son hadn't found your way to each other and he was facing this new challenge alone without you! You are a blessing in each others lives now ~ a silver lining to your clouds of adoption.

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  9. ((Cassi)) I am sorry for your son. No person should ever have to suffer at all. I don't believe that God is what the bible says he/she/it is. I think that it is people who cause this suffering, and God has no control over it.

    My thoughts are with you and your son.

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  10. This is just plain sad, and my heart goes out to you and your son. I wish you both health and happiness.

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  11. (((Cassi))) I don't undersand, either. There is no rhyme or reason in this. I am so sorry. I know you love your son with all you've got, and that matters immensely. I admire you so very much, FWIW.

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