I’ve sat on this one for a few days.
I’ve learned from past experiences, when something strikes a nerve and I go at it full force without giving myself time to sit and digest what is bothering me, I can end up throwing punches where none are needed and spend a lot of time apologizing for what I’ve said or done.
But I’m not so sure, this time around, sitting on it and waiting is doing much good because the longer I think about it, the angrier I get.
So I’m just going to try my hardest to jump in and make some sense of what is bothering me without, hopefully, rambling on, or taking too many unnecessary punches.
There is a recent post on the blog, Paper Pregnancy 2.0, titled, The Other Crazies Out There…(Part 2). And though the post itself definitely generates some very strong opinions, it is part of a comment made by the author of this blog in response to an adoptee that has had my blood boiling for the last few days…
- - ******* writes ad nauseum of the abuse she suffered at the hands of her adoptive parents, which is, needless to say, a tragedy. But she also functions as evidence of the adage that victims of abuse grow up to be abusive themselves, and clearly it’s not passed genetically. - -
I know that some might not understand why this bothered me. Why reading her words kicked me swift and hard. But they did to the point where I was cursing at my computer screen as if she could really hear me on the other end and have been gnawing on it and flipping it around every which way since I first read it.
So I am going to do my best to try and explain in a clear, calm voice that gives no hint to the roar of anger that first swelled when I read what she had to say.
But before doing that, I want to make one thing clear, I don’t accept “passcards.” In other words, when someone says something like, “which is, needless to say, a tragedy,” as they are saying something so vicious and cruel, does not, in any way, to me, give them an okay or a “pass” for what they might have said before or after such a statement.
To me, in my mind, if someone truly thought it was, “a tragedy” then they would have never even dared to say such a thing in the first place. It never would have even entered their mind to use such a terrible thing like abuse as a weapon against another human being.
Just my opinion, but one I firmly stick too. You, plain and simple, don’t get to do such things and get an out because you at least thought enough to back it up with your false sympathies.
And, for the record, I did respond to Ms. Paper Pregnant on her blog but, as of now, she has still refused to allow my comment to be displayed. So I will instead use my own blog to not only respond but go into much more depth about the reasons why I find such a comment from her not only completely wrong but also as an act of revictimizing those who have already suffered through so much.
Ms. Paper Pregnant says . . . ******* writes ad nauseum of the abuse she suffered.
“Ad nauseum” really?!?! Have you ever been abused? Have you ever been violated, beaten, left alone and unprotected, discarded, by the very people who are supposed to protect and defend you? Have you walked in those shoes, ever understood what that is really like?
I never have. I don’t know such a terror. I can’t imagine what that is like. What such a complete violation can do to you, change you, affect you. But I do know that I am “on my knees” thankful for those who do go through the painful process of talking about their abuse, no matter how terribly painful it is to relive.
When I first learned of the abuse my son suffered it was adoptees who had also been abused that helped me in so many ways. They relived painful experiences, reopened wounds, relived some of the worst moments of their lives to help me and to help my son. They hurt, they bled and they suffered. Never for themselves, but for me and for my son. So that I could learn how to help him. Could find a way to reach him and let him see that the abuse wasn’t his fault. That he didn’t deserve it. And that he wasn’t alone.
These amazing men and women relived their own hell for another’s well-being.
Do you not understand how hard it is, how much work it takes, to even be able to admit abuse, much less talk about it? Do you not know how very painful it can be to open old wounds, to relive such dark, terrifying memories?
EVERY single victim of abuse who speaks out about what happens to them should be hailed as a hero, because that is what they are. They are facing their demons. They are standing up to the horrors they faced, the fears inside of them, and they are speaking out, sharing their experiences, and helping those who have been there and need to know that they are not alone.
One of my most poignant memories is when my oldest son, after living with us for a few months, was on the telephone with another adoptee who had been abused. In his efforts to help her, he was sharing some of his most painful memories and the grief and pain was in his voice as he told her what had happened to him, let her know she wasn’t alone, and encouraged her to realize it wasn’t her and that she deserved so much better than what she was getting and how she was being treated.
It hurt him, there was no question about that, to give of those most painful memories he had. But he did it, he shared and opened himself up, because he believed it was what he needed to do to help another. To give them the understanding and care they weren’t receiving in their life.
To claim that anyone who has the courage to do this is “ad nauseum” is one of the worst, most demeaning insults one could ever launch against another human being.
Unless you have been there, lived through such horror, you have no right to make such a statement. Absolutely no right!!
Do you really think it’s just so easy, so “no big deal?” Something you can so easily mock because it means nothing?
I can’t imagine that pain, that horror to not only live but then relive, over and over again, such a terrible violation of everything you are.
We should be supportive, stand behind each and every victim of abuse that has found their voice and is able to speak out about it. There is never too much said or shared when it comes to such a horrible act against children who should never, EVER, be a part of such a vulgar, disgusting act of abuse, in any way, shape, or form.
In my opinion, you are wrong, so VERY wrong, to ever have anything negative to say about anyone speaking out and creating an awareness of abuse. I don’t care the situation. I don’t care how “bad” you think someone treated you. To come back with such a degrading, belittling response to someone who has been a part of horrors you can never imagine, just shows me that you are so desperate to lower another human being to another level, that you will even sink as low as to degrade them, mock them, for speaking out about what is, often times, the worst experiences of their life.
And if that isn’t enough, you go on to claim that . . . she also functions as evidence of the adage that victims of abuse grow up to be abusive themselves, and clearly it’s not passed genetically.
And this is where you revictimize someone who has already been victimized in the worst of ways. You lower her, and all victims of abuse, to nothing more than “doomed to abuse themselves.” And all because you didn’t like, or took offense to what this particular adoptee had to say to you.
You took the easy route, the sure way to lower her to a level beneath you, to raise yourself above her and prove you were better, more powerful, more controlling, than she could ever be. Because she was flawed. Messed up beyond her control. And so much less than those who perceive themselves to have the power.
Which is exactly what abusers do to their victims over and over AND OVER again. They condemn then. Lower then to a level beneath them. Predict they are bad, worthless, deserving of punishment, all in the attempts to make themselves better. Insure they are right and make sure they hold control over their victim who they shame, humiliate, weaken and try to force into remaining silent with their attempts at trying to convince them that their actions, whatever they might be, are the reasons why they deserve such punishment and are “doomed” to be SO bad.
I can remember, so clearly, when my son would talk about the abuse he suffered. It always came with the added on . . . but I did this.
In other words, when he told me about his mom locking him out of his house and refusing to give him the inhaler he so desperately needed because he is asthmatic, he included it was because he had poured a bottle of her tequila down the drain.
When he talked about her throwing him repeatedly into a wall, it was because he had gotten into her stash of Hershey bars that he knew she didn’t want him to touch.
And when she would leave him for a week or more without food or money or any means to provide for himself, it was because he had said or did the wrong thing to make her mad.
He was lowered to a level where it became all about his wrongs that “earned” the abuse he received. He was degraded, belittled and stomped on all in an effort to give his adoptive mother the right to do and say as she pleased against him.
And that, Ms. Paper Pregnant, is exactly what you did when you made such a statement, insinuating that the adoptee you were speaking to was just so bad because of whatever you perceived as her wrongs. You lowered her back to that defenseless child who somehow, in some sick way of thinking, deserves whatever abuse you pile upon her. Because the problem is her. Because what she receives is her fault, and she deserves it.
And you are so wrong! And you are so low, so unethical, so uncaring, to ever do such a thing to anyone who has ever been abused.
How dare you! How could you!
I don’t care how desperate you are, how bad you feel, how much you are sure you have been wronged by something someone else has said to you. You NEVER, EVER go so low as to revictimize someone who has already been abused and terrorized enough.
You never bring up that pain, use it against somebody for your own gain, your own need to feel right and superior over another.
What you have shown, what you have given, is a complete disregard and total lack of compassion for those who have been victims to such terrible actions. Who have been cheated out of what we all should have in our childhood years, the knowledge that we will be loved and protected and saved from harm.
You have wielded your ugly wand and come down in the most cruel of ways against everyone who has ever had to suffer through abuse. You have ignored and negated the very real pain they have gone through. You have taken what is one of the worst horrors a child could ever face and lowered it into nothing, all for your own personal gain. Your own ability to say you are better than another.
Ms. Paper Pregnant. You are wrong and you are, in my opinion, cold and uncaring. Whatever you might try to say that would hint at you being enlightened to anything adoption related, is lost on me and will never be heard. Because you showed your true self, your true ability for human kindness and concern the minute you used another’s abuse as your own weapon to lower them to whatever level you deemed them worthy of.