All right, so really, I do get so tired of the same old statement (whining) . . .
“How come we have to go through so much (home studies, background checks, etc) to adopt a baby when there are so many unfit, terrible, uncapable (enter whatever adjective you want) parents out there who don’t have to go through any of that to have a baby.”
To me, while agreeing with all the explanations of why it is adoptive parents are put through such steps before being allowed to adopt, there’s even more to it from my own experience and my oldest son’s experience.
Just as adoption does not promise a better life, home studies and background checks do not promise better parents than those, oh so unimportant ones that give birth to their children. And adoptive parents who gripe and moan about what they must go through to adopt another woman’s child really have no clue as to what First Mom’s, and regular, every day, not “home study-approved” parents go through every day of their lives.
The, “Oh why, oh why, must I be put through this when I am obviously so much better of a parent than that mom or dad who treats their child terribly and didn’t have to go through anything” cry, to me, brings about visions of a spoiled little child, stomping his foot while declaring, “It’s not fair. I am so much more entitled to a child than those unimportant people who actually give birth to them and yet I have to go through this when they don’t.”
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And cry me a river while you are at it.
Cause the plain and simple truth is, if you think those things are just so bad and not worth going through then you have NO clue what you are in for when it comes to raising a child. Because those kinds of things are just hiccups compared to the true determination and loyalty you give to your child. Those pesky little home studies and background checks are nothing compared to the constant ups and downs, ins and outs you will face as your child grows from the cute, innocent, infant and toddler stage into their preteen and teenage years.
I would walk through the fires of hell for my children if I had to. I would lie myself down on an alter of sacrifice and give myself and my very being for my sons or daughter. None of it would be too much to ask or too annoying to do. If it was for my child, I’d do it without question. I would be and would give everything for them, without question or complaint. I would have done that, even before their birth, before I held them in my arms, kissed their sweet, tender cheeks, and made them everything and anything that was my life.
Oh wait, isn’t that what I supposively did anyhow, before the birth of my first son. Didn’t I sacrifice everything I have, everything I am, for him? Didn’t I, in my belief that I wasn’t worthy enough or good enough, watch another woman, a stranger to my son, hold him in her arms while I walked out of the hospital with empty arms and a breaking heart?
But I guess that wasn’t as bad as all the “unfairness” adoptive parents have to go through to be approved to adopt another woman’s child.
All that “unfairness” that still does not promise them to be the better parent.
My son’s adoptive parents had to go through all of that too. The home study, the background checks, looking into their finances, talking to their friends and family. Yep, they went through all that pesky, irritating stuff to prove they would be good parents to my son . . .
And you know what he got . . .
He got a childhood of abuse and neglect. He got an adoptive father who had nothing to do with him by the age of five. A mother who put her addiction to alcohol (and drugs for a time) above her care for her son.
He got a discouragement, instead of an encouragement, of who he was. Of his self worth and ability. His importance to the family he was a part of.
He got abandoned with no food or money to support himself. He got dumped off at his grandparent’s house when his mother decided he was too much to handle. He got thrown into walls, beat with tree branches, locked out of his house, and the blame for all the bad that happened in his mother’s life.
That is what he got for all the annoying “checks” his adoptive parents had to go through before they were allowed to be the ones to carry him out of the hospital while I walked out with empty arms and a broken heart.
And yet, let’s see, my three younger children, who I never had to go through any kind of home study or background check with because I did the little, minor, unimportant thing of giving birth to them, have never faced any of those things.
Home to them has always been, and will always be, their comfort zone. The place they know they will never be denied and can go to whenever they need, for whatever reason. Never, not a day in my life, would I ever lock them out or deny them the right to be here, their place, their safety. Because it’s their’s. It’s where they should always feel most safe.
And they don’t know abuse, except for what they have learned of what their oldest brother has gone through. They have never been “dumped” off for some other family member to take care of them. Have always had the knowledge that both their father and mother are there for them, no matter what the situation.
And no, their father and I have never had to go through a home study to prove our worthiness but we have sure as hell done our absolute best to let them know we love them unconditionally and we would go through anything for them, not for us or our desire to be parents, but because of them, of who they are, of how very important they are to us, to our family.
But, twenty some years ago, we never would have passed any kind of home study. We were too young . . . too poor . . . too whatever you could possibly think of to make us “unfit” parents. But, yet, I can guarantee you, we would have gone through a federal inquiry, lie detector, blood transfusion, organ donation, or any other thing asked of us.
Not for ourselves or any desire to be a parent. But for our children. For our love for them that always has been and always will be worth whatever it takes . . .
With or without a home study.