Friday, May 7, 2010

Happy Birthmother Day or Happy Adopter Day

**Disclaimer – This post will most likely be offensive to some. In order to make my point, I have used demeaning stereotypes and insulting assumptions when referring to adoptive moms. But I do hope those who read here will realize that I did so to reflect the same stereotypes and insulting assumptions that are laid on First Mom’s constantly, and are accepted in our current culture. My hope is, those Adoptive Moms I know and respect will understand why I did this and that others who read here, will finish this post and realize the point I was trying to make.**

I wonder sometimes what it would be like if the terms of Birthmother and Adoptive Mother were reversed in this disgusting so-called holiday we celebrate every year on the Saturday before Mother’s Day.

I wonder what it would be like if instead it was accepted and expected that all First Mom’s had all rights to celebrate Mother’s Day while Adoptive Moms were given the Saturday before as “Happy Adoptive Mother’s Day.

Or let’s even take that a step further as there is a dislike by many for the term Adopter just as there is a dislike by many for the word Birthmother. So how about a “Happy Adopter Day” on the Saturday before Mother’s Day?

Would that sit well with many Adoptive Moms? To not be acknowledged on Mother’s Day but to – hey – in fairness – at least have the day before to be recognized as the “lesser” mother in some form or another.

It is pretty much understood by First Mom’s that we really don’t deserve to celebrate Mother’s Day for the children we have lost to adoption. At least not in the way other Mother’s do. I mean, as it is often said, we aren’t the ones who change their diapers, stay up with them at night when they are sick, help them with their homework, etc . . .etc . . .etc . . .

So Mother’s Day really isn’t for us because we aren’t our children’s “real” mother and if we do by chance get to hear from our children, spend time with them on Mother’s Day, then we are SO lucky and should be grateful that their Adoptive Family is kind and loving enough to allow us this.

But what if society’s thoughts were reversed? What if the train of thought was that Adoptive Moms were the ones who really didn’t deserve to celebrate Mother’s Day? I mean, after all, they did not carry and nurture their child for nine months of pregnancy. They don’t share any blood or heritage with them. Heck they might even be of a completely different race.

So they aren’t exactly the “real” moms and really shouldn’t expect Mother’s Day to be about them in any way. And if their child’s First Family should actually include them on this day, then they should be grateful that they are kind and loving enough to do so.

I would venture to guess, if that were the accepted train of thought by the majority of society, there would be an awful lot of pissed off, hurt and devastated Adoptive Moms out there.

But let’s even take that a step further.

In an attempt to acknowledge all the “great sacrifices” us First Moms have made by losing our children, many are at least willing to give us the day before Mother’s Day to be recognized. It’s a great thing too, isn’t it? We get to be celebrated for not exactly being moms but for at least making that, oh so terrible “choice” of giving up our children when we realized we would just not be good enough to be a mother to our children.

All day long on that day before “real” mothers are recognized and celebrated and loved by their children, we are patted on our backs, told how brave and selfless we are and what a wonderful thing we did by realizing that we just weren’t good enough for our children. No, we don’t even deserve the actual day to be recognized as “real” mothers but we should all be happy and feel better that we are separated again from them and acknowledged as the “different” kind of people we are.

But what if the Adoptive Moms were the “different” kind of people. What if they were celebrated on the day before “real” mother’s had their time? How would that go over?

Would they accept that pat on the back, being told how brave and selfless they are for being unable to bare children of their own? Would they be okay knowing they had a separate day created just for them because they didn’t actually deserve the “real” Mother’s Day, but should – hey – be okay with that because they realized that their failures in not being able to have children of their own didn’t mean they couldn’t make the best loving choice by adopting someone else’s baby. And that they deserve to be honored and respected – just not on the day for “real” mothers because that wouldn’t be right, because their choices didn’t exactly make them “those kind” of mothers.

I wonder how that kind of mind set would make Adoptive Moms feel. I wonder if they would find themselves feeling “less than.” Unworthy of actually being able to call themselves a mom on the one day a year set aside for them.

Birthmother’s Day, to me, is an absolute insult to all those mothers who have lost their children to adoption. And I believe, if the situations were reversed, it would be just as much of an insult to all those mothers who have adopted their children.

On Sunday, my oldest son, who I lost to adoption over twenty-two years ago, will spend time with both of his “real” mothers. There will be no Birthmother’s Day in this house. I have come too far in my healing to allow myself to be insulted in such a way.

I won’t be online for that day. I will not expose myself to the happy, happy beemommie wishes that are downgraded to a separate day because they are not worthy of the actual Mother’s Day. And my only thoughts will be of all those First Mom’s who feel they should be grateful for being degraded to the day before “real” mothers are celebrated. For those who don’t realize that they are just as important and just as “real” to their children as the adoptive parents who will be celebrating on Sunday without thinking of how they would feel if the situations were reversed and they were the ones who were viewed as not “deserving” of the celebration and love and instead given another day as the consolation prize because of all the “brave and selfless choices” they supposively made.