Thursday, November 11, 2010

We Bleed Too

This emptiness in my life is so hard to deal with but I pray every day and I know God has the perfect baby and the perfect birthmother planned for us. I must be patient and someday this sadness will be forgotten.”

I hear statements like this over and over again in the world of adoption. Hopeful couples struggling with their desire to have a child while praying desperately for the pregnant woman who will choose them to raise her baby.

And when I run across them, I can’t help but to wonder if they realize, in their grief, they are praying for another women to suffer a terrible loss even as they are struggling with their own.

I know, when we are hurting, it is so hard to see outside that pain that surrounds us, controls us. But, I believe, when what you are praying or wishing so desperately for involves harming another to heal your heart, you must look outside your personal sadness and understand the affects your “answered prayers” will have on another human being.

Because, no matter what you might believe from what others have told you, when a woman gives up her child for adoption, she suffers a great loss. Losing a child, for whatever reason, is a horrid event, something most people would never even wish on their worst enemy. But in the world of adoption, it’s not only okay to wish this on another person, it’s accepted and encouraged.

First moms aren’t some strange creatures who don’t feel pain when they lose their child. They aren’t unknown life forms who can suddenly shut off that emptiness in their heart, that void in their life, when they face day after day, month after month, year after year, empty arms that were meant to hold their child.

And telling us we’re brave or strong or unselfish doesn’t change it. That loss is still there. It still exists and doesn’t ever go away. Because, we too, have a mother’s heart and it breaks just as easily when we don’t have our children.

When I hear other women say how hard it is to see mothers with their babies, how dark things like the holidays can be without a child to celebrate with. How they will go out of their way in stores to avoid anything baby or child related because they can’t handle the pain it causes them, I wonder if they realize the very act of adoption transfers that loss and pain to another women in order for them to move past it.

Because once they hold that baby they have prayed for in their arms, there is then a mother who walks down the street, sees a baby being pushed in a stroller and feels that terrible ache in her heart. There is a mother who hurts deep into her core when Christmas comes and her child isn’t there with her around the tree. When the birthdays hit and she isn’t baking a cake and wrapping the present.

And as an adoptive mother gets to suddenly hit every baby and child section in the stores with a new found glee. The mother who carried that child inside of her for nine months is now the one who will go out of her way to avoid any reminder of the loss she now suffers and struggles with.

Our pain is there. Our loss is real.

We may create ways to avoid it, to deny it, but it still exists within us. It still has a bearing on who we are and who we will become.

We don’t get a pass on that simply because we are First moms. We don’t get a special remedy that makes our heart ache any less for the child we’ve lost.

Even if we sink into denial or close ourselves off because of the shame, it is that loss that brings us to that point. It’s that ache deep in our souls that brings about such ways to somehow try and protect ourselves from that which we can never truly get away from.

Because we are mothers too. We hurt, we mourn and we bleed from the wounds left the moment our children were no longer in our arms.

49 comments:

  1. And it doesn't go away.For all that praying which means another woman's loss, the chickens come home to roost eventually when the adoptee grows up and knows the truth of adoption.

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  2. Oh, Cassi.....Your words are so true. Sadly, I don't think most ap's care about a child's first Mother at all. They got what they wanted- her baby.

    I know my pain of losing my first Mother has never gone away. They just don't get it, and I dont think they ever will.

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  5. Cassi -

    "we are mothers too. We hurt, we mourn and we bleed from the wounds left the moment our children were no longer in our arms."

    Brilliantly said. If I weren't sitting here crying, I would pontificate even further upon your brilliance (dang it, where are my Kleenex???) I was going to address this in my post tomorrow but I think I will link here, if you don't mind.

    Melynda

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  6. Adoption is just so contradictory.

    Anything that would be considered abnormal for a "regular" mother and child is suddenly considered natural in adoption.

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  7. M&M (Myst & Melynda),

    I'd be honored to be linked.

    Von - I love this . . .

    ***the chickens come home to roost eventually when the adoptee grows up and knows the truth of adoption.***

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  8. Linda & Mei-Ling,

    ***They just don't get it, and I dont think they ever will.***

    ***Adoption is just so contradictory***

    I couldn't agree more!

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  9. It's like with a lot things in this country... the American attitude of entitlement. (Not to say that other people don't have this attitude too but this country seems to perfect it.)

    "Me. It's all about me. Don't think about anyone else or how they might feel. It's all about me. I am the center of the universe."

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  10. Sometimes the most profound thought escapes into the ether without notice...this one has not...

    I bleed, cry, love and die a little bit each day. For another to have had the honor of raising my child. Unwilling and unwanted.

    Thank you.

    *I too shall link.

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  11. Some adoptive parents do get it. Maybe more slowly than we should, but bit by bit, person by person, the reality and necessity of looking beyond our own perspective is being shared.

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  12. If adoptive parents GOT IT they would NOT adopt.

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  13. To the 1st anonymous:

    The whole point of adoptive parents becoming parents is that the "birthparents" have to lose their children.

    There is no way around this, and no, I am not counting the mothers who don't care about their children.

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  14. ***Some adoptive parents do get it.***

    Yes they do!!! Though I believe they are in the vast minority, I do very much respect the adoptive parents who have come to understand the loss a First Mom suffers when she no longer has her child in her arms.

    But this still doesn't change the large majority of hopeful adoptive couples who see nothing wrong with praying for another mother's loss so their "prayers" can be answered.

    Even those adoptive moms who do understand the loss, most often get disregarded and stomped on when they try to share what a First Mom suffers when she gives up her child.

    And none of it, from who understands and who doesn't, still changes the fact that when a woman prays and hopes for a child to "heal" the loss she feels, she is ultimately, praying and hoping for another mother to suffer a terrible loss so that her "desires" can be fulfilled.

    That is one of the bare, ugly truths of adoption that so many wish to ignore or deny.

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  15. ***Some adoptive parents do get it.***

    Yes they do!!! Though I believe they are in the vast minority, I do very much respect the adoptive parents who have come to understand the loss a First Mom suffers when she no longer has her child in her arms.

    But this still doesn't change the large majority of hopeful adoptive couples who see nothing wrong with praying for another mother's loss so their "prayers" can be answered.

    Even those adoptive moms who do understand the loss, most often get disregarded and stomped on when they try to share what a First Mom suffers when she gives up her child.

    And none of it, from who understands and who doesn't, still changes the fact that when a woman prays and hopes for a child to "heal" the loss she feels, she is ultimately, praying and hoping for another mother to suffer a terrible loss so that her "desires" can be fulfilled.

    That is one of the bare, ugly truths of adoption that so many wish to ignore or deny.

    That is why I say they don't get it your post. If they got it they would be praying that mothers and babies stay together but through" prayer" they are wishing a mother
    lose of her child. Absurd! It's all about them and those who get it after adopting who do they think their kidding. The adopters boards are cruel and mean.

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  16. Thank you so much for sharing this. So poignant...

    The pain and grief of relinquishing me over 35 years ago still haunts and torments my Omma (my Korean mother), often to the point at which she cannot even utter two words about it.

    This is such an insightful post, and I wish all AP's and PAP's would read it...if you don't mind I'd like to link to this...

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  17. I'm linking, too. I wish every PAP and AP who reads this would let it settle in their minds. My own experience has shown, though, that most will dismiss it before they have time to think about it, because adoption is much more complicated and painful and raw when you "get" first parent loss.

    I'm sure the notion of PAPs not realizing the toll adoption takes on first moms seems ridiculous and absurd to many of you. It seems that way to me now, too. But when I was a PAP all I heard from the industry was that adoption is a blessing for first moms, that adoption is a solution, that first moms are grateful to find PAPs who can give their child, blah, blah, blah... you know the shtick.

    If you consider how the industry makes the adoption process insular, preventing PAPs and first families from having much contact at all, whitewashing the first parent perspective, and feeding 'adoption is warm and fuzzy and win-win' propaganda to PAPs, it's not hard to see why so many PAPs and APs don't get it. Personally, I can let them off the hook for that to some degree; I was as naive as many of them are.

    BUT, there is no excuse in the world for anyone to read posts like this and other poignant, pointed, eloquent posts so many of you have written, and retreat back into their chosen denial. If you're going to adopt you better make damn sure you listen to all sides of the issue, research diligently about any "professionals" you're getting involved with, get to know the first parents and make sure that 1. they are choosing adoption without coercion and 2. that there are no viable alternatives, e.g., extended family who can raise the child.

    Beautifully written post!!!

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  18. Sally - I agree with you, the adoption industry does feed to hopeful adoptive couples that First Mom's are grateful and at peace with losing their children.

    My question with that though, and I'm not asking to insult anyone because I do remember that I believed all the B.S. the industry fed me as well, what is going through their heads, their hearts, that they would believe, in their grief of not having a child, that another mother would actually be "okay" not having her child.

    In my head and heart now, I just can't understand this feeling but I can understand how it's created. After all, I was led to believe I would be an awful mother, so I know they are good at what they say and convince us of.

    But I try to look at it in the terms that I don't know infertility and the pain it causes but I do know it's there and it's very real but I can't imagine ever wishing that pain on someone else to make my own grief better.

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  19. Cassi, I don't know if I can make this make sense here, but PAPs are told (again and again) that first mom is too young, not ready, wants to finish her education, facing family rejection, and otherwise unprepared or unwilling to parent. Basically the same logic that is used to coerce pregnant women into relinquishing their children. (I'm NOY saying this is always the case. I know personally of numerous cases where first mom DID NOT WANT to parent; no coercion involved.)

    I can't speak for why any other AP believes it, but I can tell you why I did. Because for a period of several years before I met my husband I didn't plan to have children; in fact, I planned NOT to have them. I've always loved kids, but I really enjoyed my independence, and I just didn't see myself being a mom. It wasn't hard for me to believe that other women could feel the same way. Although my feelings about motherhood had completely changed, it made sense to me. Not everyone is cut out to be a parent; nothing wrong with that. And I assumed that if a woman took the initiative to contact an agency, she knew what she wanted to do.

    This was before I learned about the BSE, coercion today, rabid agency marketing, need for adoption reform, etc., etc.

    Thanks for having this conversation.

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  20. One more thing to clarify - I never, ever, ever in a million years wished for a baby at the expense of another woman. I never prayed for a baby; I always prayed for the grace to embrace the fullness of my life and the strength to work through my own grief. Never for a baby.

    In the course of our adoption process we were "matched" several times. Each time we met first mom and got to know each other a little bit. On two separate occasions (two separate women) we though first mom seemed ambivalent. One seemed unsure about her decision, the other seemed to be talking herself into it. In both situations we elected to 'unmatch' ourselves because we couldn't feel right about it. I could never raise my children thinking that their first mom regretted her decision or that she was pressured into relinquishing. I don't understand APs who seek a child at all costs or who view first parents as adversaries. I just don't get it. I could never live with myself if I thought either of my kids' first moms thought she made the wrong decision.

    I've had the conversation with both of them more than once, and without sharing their personal story, I can say that neither regrets her choice.

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  21. An amom here-- yes, while waiting to adopt from China, I did pray for our referral to arrive.

    I also came to realize that what I was praying for would result in another woman feeling great pain.

    How can you pray for that? I prayed for both of us-- for help because I didn't know what else to pray for.

    I recall mentioning to another PAP that I thought/think the situaiton of PAP and First Moms is similar to someone who needs a heart transplant-- in order to receive the transplant, someone else has to die.

    I think some of my amom friends think I am a little out there.

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  22. Thank you Sally and Reena. I know how hard it can sometimes be as an adoptive mom to come onto blogs such as this and be honest about your own experience.

    Sally, it does make some sense to me that if you haven't had a child or given birth to a child, it does make it somewhat easier to not understand the pain that goes into losing a child.

    I'm thankful for adoptive moms like you two who do understand and who, I'm sure, don't always get the best reactions either when you try to make others aware of a First Mom's loss.

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  24. @Myst:

    "PAP's want them to give them away."

    If you ask a PAP, they will tell you they want to raise and love a child.

    They don't "want" a mother to have to give up her child. Usually by the time they enter the picture, the mother is already contemplating giving up her child or has done so already.

    I know, I know, the only way they get a child is if the mother gives up that child. But they don't see it that way. They're not raising a child someone else was forced to give up. They're "just" raising a child. They can't raise a child no one gave up.

    "As for waiting for a heart transplant, well, people waiting for those NEED a transplant to continue to live, physically. It is a bout survival. PAP's are WANTING a child, they do NOT need a child to survive so I would say that yes, it is far too much to compare the two."

    Doesn't infertility feel like a matter of emotional, physical and psychological survival? It is the base of what makes womanhood.

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  26. Myst,

    I love you. You know that. But I do have to step in here and be the one to take the responsibility for the adoptive moms sharing their feelings here. I was the one who asked them specifically about their feelings a few posts up and they were answering my question.

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  27. Cassi,

    Thank you--
    I appreciate you making a comment.

    Clearly it is your blog and you make any decisions about it that you want.

    I am a big girl and if I say something about adoption that someone from a different place in adoption finds offensive-- I do want to know.

    If someone responds to a comment unfavorably-- I will still continue to read and post-- unless a blog owner asks me not to.

    Myst, I did read your comments before they were deleted. I do understand what you are saying regarding my analogy and I am sorry that it was offensive.

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  28. "Doesn't infertility feel like a matter of emotional, physical and psychological survival? It is the base of what makes womanhood."

    And that is who's problem and issue??? It sure the hell was not mine. I lost my child to someone who LIED to me so she could get her diluted hands on MY infant.

    Someone does not DIE if they do not have a child. Comparing that to a heart transplant recipient is ludicrous and obscene. It is noones problem, especially a young, vulnerable, scared young woman. It is NOT her duty to provide and infertle with child.

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  29. "And that is who's problem and issue???"

    I'm not saying it IS a mother's duty to give her up, or that she owes anyone her baby.

    I am talking more about the issue of infertility in itself. Not that I would know, not having experienced infertility myself, it does seem to be a psychological issue, nothing short of trauma.

    Young mothers are told their value is in loving their child so much they will give that child up.

    Similarily, women who cannot conceive are told their value is in being able to reproduce to "prove" their worth as a woman and subsequently a wife/mother.

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  30. her *child up.

    In fact I believe it to be the opposite.

    Damn typos.

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  31. Hi Reena,

    Just wanted to say I deleted my comments, not Cassi, because I decided to blog about this and didn't want to be disrespectful to Cassi by posting about it here.

    Yes, I do find the whole comparisons between a person in dire need of an organ to live and the desire to have a child offensive because without a heart transplant a person would die. One does not die physically if they don't get a child. For more on this, its on my blog.

    Cassi, I totally understand. Seeing this comment really unhinged me though and I felt I had to respond.

    Hugs,
    Myst xxx

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    1. By your logic no one dies from losing a child to adoption.

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  32. Two anons wrote: " ***Some adoptive parents do get it.*** / Yes they do!!! Though I believe they are in the vast minority, I do very much respect the adoptive parents who have come to understand the loss a First Mom suffers when she no longer has her child in her arms."

    I admit, I do not believe that this is entirely true, because the very existence of this pain for a natural mother indicates that the adoption should not have taken place to begin with. She still loved and wanted her child, and thus the surrender was a loss for her. Adoption was not created to provide homes for children who are loved and wanted. It was created in the U.S. in 1851 to solve the urban "problem" of orphans, street-children, and the poor house.

    I truly believe that if an AP "gets it," then they would immediately return the child, with apologies, and become a former adoptive parent. That is proof that they "get it."

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  33. ok so i guess i dont get it i have 4 kids 2 bio 2 adopted from China
    i have done missionary work in orphanages in China, and spent time with those kids and actually prayed with a 6 yr old child who asked if we would pray that he would get a family. He was born with his bladder outside of his body. So what do you think @ his adoptive family. The ones who are struggling to make sense with all 4 of their children, to financially give up so much for him and his surgeries. Was he better off staying in China at the orphanage and never getting the surgical help he needed? Never getting his own family? never having the love that comes with it?
    Just a bit confused, please
    I get the loss of the 1st mother, especially ones who are coerced,but what about adoption of orphans?

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  34. I think it's a bit harsh to see things in such a cut and dry way. To say that when a woman wishing to adopt prays for a child is the same as praying for another woman to feel the pain of losing her child is really not fair.

    If you haven't guessed, I am an adoptive mother. My husband and I adopted a sibling group of three children through foster care. I had often prayed that we would be able to have children. The "truth about adoption" is that it is not all good or all bad. I do feel badly for first moms who have experienced the pain of losing a precious child. An adoptive mother often experiences that pain repeatedly (failed fertility attempts, miscarriages, placement of child who returns to bio family...). I know that adoption is one of the most beautiful things on this earth when it comes together in the right way. I would never argue with your feelings of hurt or loss but it would be good to also realize that most adoptive moms or hopeful adoptive moms just have a lot of love they are hoping to share with a child who needs them.

    I also wanted to say that just because someone feels pain as a result of something is not proof that it was wrong. I have often felt pain over experiences and have grown from them or later have gained understanding of why I went through it. Even if a woman gives up her child without being coerced and for what she feels is the right reasons, I am sure she still suffers the pain of that loss.

    The last thing I wanted to say is you are very concerned with an adoptive parent not understanding your loss (a loss that I am not trying to dismiss) but why should you be so hard on them for not understanding your pain when it is obvious that you don't understand the pain they experience of infertility and facing the reality that the only way they will be a mom is by raising someone else's child? I really don't expect those who haven't experienced it for themselves to fully understand it.

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  36. "To say that when a woman wishing to adopt prays for a child is the same as praying for another woman to feel the pain of losing her child is really not fair."

    Actually it is because to pray for the child of ANOTHER WOMAN is no different than praying for someone's loss. I don't think adopters get this concept.

    And it isn't our responsibility to care about an adopter or what thay want. Having compassion for someone who cannot have a child is one thing. Having compassion for a woman who prays for another family's child to come into her life is comapletely different. There is a line to be drawn. And as Cedar said, if adopters truly got anything at all they WOULDN'T adopt. Very simple really.

    Its all well and good to say well "you can't possibly understand the pain of infertility unless you have walked it" (not your words but have heard this enough) however this does NOT qualify someone for the child of another woman and her family. The entitlement factor of this is just revolting, truly revolting. I know enough women who have been through infertility and have NEVER dreamed of adopting because they have had the foresight to see the loss that would cost others. They are truly amazing people and they have used their love for children in different ways. They have NOT gon out of their way to get what they want without care what happens to the child or mother.

    Adoption is not good. There is nothing good about it at all... how can there be when it is a man made institution based on a lie? There is no honesty in adoption and far too much entitlement.

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    1. Those people who have decided to become childless slaves to serve entitled parents are suckers.

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  37. I experienced a forced adoption in Canada and like 40-60% of mothers who have surrendered an infant to adoption I am infertile now as a result of the trauma of having my baby ripped from my womb in the primal act of giving birth. An adopter who is infertile will never get this concept because they have not walked in our shoes. I would NEVER adopt a child even one in fostercare or one from another country as I know that many of these children are apprehended under false pretense, were kidnapped and are not orphans and I could NEVER do this to another woman or family.

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  38. We bleed too. That's why we need to keep telling our stories and doing the work we do.

    I hope to hear more from you soon.

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  39. Despite two decades having passed since I became a birth Mom, @19yrs old, I still bleed even though I have tried for years to denigh my pain.
    Can I quote and link to you in my own blog?

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  40. Mel, I would be honored.

    I went over and read your blog and I've added you to my blog list. Your voice is another great one I hope others will listen to.

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  41. Cassi, thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. Your posts are very well written and thoughtful.

    I am an adoptive mother. I suffered for years with infertility. However, I did not consider adoption as an option for us. Being a military couple, I figured we were not wealthy enough and moved too often to be considered. I never wrote a birthmother letter, made any kind of profile or prayed for anyone to choose us. I did pray to have a baby, but never prayed to adopt. We had the philosophy that if it was meant to be, it would happen.

    Cedar, you said,

    "I truly believe that if an AP "gets it," then they would immediately return the child, with apologies, and become a former adoptive parent. That is proof that they "get it."

    Thankfully, I do not need to prove to you that I "get it". According to you, I would have to return our daughter to a woman that not only did drugs throughout her pregnancy, but continues to let drugs and alcohol run her life. I would have to return our daughter to a man that also let's drugs and alcohol run his life and abuses all of the women in his life, including the woman that gave birth to his child. I would have to return our daughter to parents without jobs or a home of their own or any motivation to get either.

    Instead, I show that I "get it" to the people in my adoption journey, by sticking to all of my promises and then some. By keeping her and raising her in a safe and loving home like her birth mom asked us to. By sharing as much as possible of our daughter's life with her birth mom and family. By being supportive of her birth mom and letting her know that I am here for her.

    I am sorry for the pain and loss our daughter's birth mom continues to endure, but I will not apologize for adopting our daughter and doing everything her birth mom asked of us.

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  42. I know this is an old conversation but I'm irate at the Anonymous just above me. 'Scuse me a minute.

    Anon, was there some reason you had to falsify that child's birth certificate, effectively erasing all her history, and then keep her away from her parents forever? Did you have to do that in order to take care of her? Find that excruciatingly difficult to believe.

    Wow. So SAHMs and people in rental homes are unfit parents now, that's news to me. Guess families in homeless shelters deserve to lose their kids too. And wow, how screwed up that I was raised by alcoholics. No, it wasn't any picnic, but it's not like the state can 100 percent discover all of a person's drug and alcohol problems before they let them adopt out of foster care. Sorry, I've heard too many horror stories about adopters of foster kids. And I don't know you.

    Kids of parents who don't want them are screwed, period. No matter who raises them, they have to live with the knowledge that they were unwanted. There is no reason to erase their identities, lie on a piece of paper and try to shut them away from a life that they already know exists.

    But last I checked, they're mainly talking about infant adoption here. Are you an infant adopter? No.

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  43. Hi there,
    I enjoyed your post. It made me think of a mother whose little boy was born with a heart defect—he needed a heart transplant or he would die. I still years later remember her saying that she refused to pray for that heart transplant because she knew that for her son to live another woman’s baby would have to die and she was unwilling to pray for that. This opened my eyes and I thought of this situation when reading your post. My husband and I will be traveling to Rwanda in a couple of weeks to pick up our 3 year old son. Through this process I have been acutely aware that for us to adopt a child, it meant that another family would at some point be experiencing a horrific tragedy. I count it such a privilege to know that we actually know our son’s mother’s name and where he was born. We know the circumstances under which he was abandoned and hope that one day we can meet his mother. Your words are a reminder of the truth I don’t want to forget. Thank you for your openness.

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    1. Mother to one taken for adoptionAugust 8, 2014 at 12:42 AM

      unless you know his mother personally you do NOT know his story or hers. because let me tell you that the people who told my son his ''story'' don't know it. If an ap wants to know the mother's story/the mother and child story they can only get that information from one source and that is the mother.
      Your comment "..it meant that another family would at some point be experiencing a horrific tragedy." What do you mean, at some point? Loss of a child to adoption for many mothers (and often fathers) is a lifelong tragedy. You seem to have the ''they'll get over it'' mentality. When our children are wanted and loved but pried out of our lives by deceit, abuse, and being drugged so heavily by the drs./hospital etc that we are kept in a state of unconsciousness till just prior to delivery then as soon as child is born and someone in the delivery room (who hasn't gotten the word that they are taking the baby for adoption) says, would you like to see your son? Nodding and starting to say yes, feel hard stab in upper thigh and off to unconsciousness again so you can't hold your own son...not to mention milk dried up without my knowledge or consent and on it goes, lady you have no idea. I'm not talking about 'old time' BSE adoption abuses. It did not 'disappear with the 60's or even the 70's. It still goes on all over the world. please make sure you are not kidding yourself that you ''know'' the circumstances. This goes for adoptees too that have met their natural families but do not have the opportunity (due to death of the parent/s) to talk with their mother or father. If my son were in that situation he would not 'know' the story. Because my family does not know 'the story'. They were only involved in our abandonment. They do not want to hear 'the story'. One big reason why I have had to distance myself from that toxic relationship. They don't want to understand what both my son and I went through. Because my son, living in me, went through it too. I wonder if that is part of the reason some adoptees feel abandonment more strongly than others. Because the abandonment began with their mother and them being abandoned by everyone.
      I know that in your heart you truly want to believe everything is OK. May have convinced yourself that 'all is well' like some in my own family who adopted (IA) and condone adoption.... well, they still need to take the blinders off and see the truth of adoption for what it is. It is excruciatingly painful.
      I know infertility. I lost 2 more children before birth after I lost my son to adoption. and as sad as infertility is, it is NO excuse or a reason to talk, pressure, coerce another mother out of her child. Or to go 'hunting' for a child to adopt, increasing the pressure to 'provide a child' or making a 'market' for children.
      TWO HURTS DON'T MAKE THE PAIN GO AWAY.

      Do you adoptive parents and p. a. p. s think about what it means to the natural parents to be ripped apart from their child? and to be forcibly KEPT apart? By closed adoption or open gone closed or IA with no likely chance of ever finding one another?

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  44. Wow. I had no idea how much hate there was for women who want to adopt or have adopted. How is such hatred a benefit to anyone? It isn't.

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  45. Why would any one want to adopt when even the worst infertility can be overcome with donor egg, donor sperm, and a gestational surrogate?

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