Thursday, October 28, 2010

You Said What?

I can’t, I don’t, and I’m not sure I even want to understand the thought process of so many when it comes to the world of adoption.

Can they not hear how ridiculous and wrong some of their statements are? What happens in the minds of some to actually convince them of certain things, like this . . .

“Birth parents can be wonderful loving people, in fact the most loving people when they do a very loving thing by giving their child to a family.”

Excuse me!!! What???

So as one of those “oh, so wonderful beemommies,” I’m a wonderful, loving person – in fact the MOST loving person – since I gave away my child to another family to raise as their own. Really? That’s what makes me loving?

Cause, you know, I just don’t see it that way. You know . . . me . . . the one who gave away her child to another family. That “wonderful beemommie” who “CAN” be wonderful and loving (as opposed to what . . . terrible and hateful?)

I wasn’t a wonderful, loving person and I sure as hell don’t want anyone to see me that way for giving away my child.


Please tell me how that is wonderful and loving.

I was terrified, confused, numb and convinced that I would be the worst of all failures as my son’s mother. I loved my son so much that I wanted to keep him. But I was told that love was selfish and wrong. That loving him like that put him at risk for being abused and neglected. That my love wasn’t enough and could never give him all the wonderful things he deserved.

I didn’t give up my son because I was so wonderfully loving. Who, in their right mind, really does that? Who really believes that you can love your child enough to give them away?

But, I believed it too, didn’t I. Even though it went against everything I knew. Was a painful rub against what I was feeling inside . . . I said, “Okay, you’re right. I must not love my child enough if I want to keep him. To prove how much I love him, I must give him up.”

Oh, and lets add even more to my love for my son since, when I held him in the hospital room and wanted to keep him, take him home with me and yet didn’t because I was worried about the feelings of his adoptive parents, I then felt as if maybe I really didn’t love him enough because who in the world puts the fate of their child on the emotions of someone else?

And I secretly lived with that one for years!

Really, if someone wants to suggest that I, or any other parent, love their child enough to give them up then I suggest they be the first to do it. Go ahead, admit there is somebody out there better than you. Somebody who is richer, more successful, happier . . . whatever . . . and is more worthy of raising your child and the only thing you have to do to prove how much you love him or her is give them away to this person.

I mean, what would be stopping you? It is the ultimate act of being a wonderful, loving person. So do it already.

And when you do, please come back and let me know just how wonderful you feel. Let me know how that rush of love for your child is affecting you. Please share and give me an insight to just how much love you feel now that your child is no longer yours and you left him or her in the arms of a stranger.


  1. BRAVO! I just wish people heard that instead of the bull that they feed us day in and day out...

  2. OH DEAR GOD!!! Where did you find that comment Cassi? What a load of contradictory rot! The people who say these things are morons. Actually they are worse than that but I cannot be bothered stewing of a word that properly defines them. That statment is SO contradictory it isn't funny. I would say if PAP's and adopters loved children so much they wanted to help them then they would do ANYTHING in their power to keep children in their real families. But no, this hateful statement is STILL doing the rounds.

    Oh dear. I think you have inspired a post :)

    Great post Cassi, as always.

    Myst xxx

  3. ... holy crap, Cassi.

    I am blown away. In fact, I'd like to link you on my LiveJournal.

    Is that alright with you?

    Now watch, you are going to get people who point out about alll the minority mothers who come from abusive backgrounds...

  4. I live with that same regret my friend, that I was more worried about people I met ONCE, worried about people who had lost babies to miscarriage, infertility and a failed adoption more than about the grief raging through my body and soul, more than my husband begging for his son back. I live with it everyday that their feelings matter more to me than that of my sweet beautiful baby boy in the arms of a stranger all the while searching for my smell, my breast, my voice. I ask myself how every single god damned day.


  5. yeah... what kind of person is that indeed, a person who trusts their child into the arms of strangers, believing them when they tell us we aren't good enough, or believing their version of love at all.

    Women who are influenced by hospital drugs and oxytocin, the drug of trust. They know this, they've been planning it for a long time.

  6. What kind of person is it that allows mothers to be told and believe this justification for giving babies to strangers because they have more money? very, very sick!

  7. A very brave and honest post, thank you for telling the truth.

  8. I want to respond to your post... but in all honesty, I just feel numb about it. I don't know if it's your actual post or just my adoptee-disease kicking in full force today and it may have nothing to do with your post at all. You spoke your truth and more people need to hear the truth to help them wake up. For that, I thank you.

  9. I've been shouted at and booted off a/p sites for suggesting that, if they were truly loving (per their definition), they'd give up their first-born or fund another's adoption instead of their own.
    Strangely (or maybe not), their rhetoric only applies to "other people."
    Of course, you have to masquerade as an a/p to get on these sites - they don't want to hear from first parents or adoptees...

  10. Yes, I got the "You Are So Wonderful" line. I got that, in a note from my son's adopters after they procured MY infant from me with lies and false promises of a fraudlent open adoption.

    The note read something like this...

    "We thank god for giving you the stregnth to make your decision. You are a TRULY WONDERFUL PERSON and we will never forget you".

    Yeah, I was so wonderful because they had the abiltiy to brainwash and con me enough to get my infant out of my arms and into theirs. What they meant and mean to this day to say is that THEY are so "wonderful". I was shit.

    Funny, I didn't feel so "wunnerful" after I found my son and was not even said hello to or acknowledged in ANY way, by anyone in their "family". I felt pretty "UNwonderful", to put it mildly.

    Adoption pushers and their cohorts can take their "wonderful" bit and shove it.

  11. Myst - it was a statement left by an adoptive mom on the Keeping Grayson Home page on Facebook. And yes this bull continues to make the rounds over and over again.

    Mei-Ling - I would be honored to be linked.

  12. Oh Denise, I SO understand those feelings and being worried about the "others." If only we'd known then what we know now, our lives would have been so much different.

    Oh, the terrible ride that is adoption.

  13. Love reading your thoughts...

    I saw a statement on an "attachment" site today that said, "Our adoption was finalized! Now we can spank them!" How sad.

  14. Oh Peach, that is so sad. I can't believe some of the things people say.

  15. But we are only loving people before and as we are giving our children to another family. Afterward it's another story all together.

    I don't know how many people have told me "that's really such a loving thing you did" when I tell them I had a son at 15.

    Yah, so loving. Loving to my son and to my self...

  16. Hey - I could have written this post! Sounds like the same ol' same ol' LDS adoption rhetoric to me. "If you really love your daughter, then you would give her away. It is about love, after all."

    Tell me again - what's loving about leaving my child with a complete strangers????

    Thanks for this post Cassi - so honest & so needed.


  17. We've talked about this amazing BS over at first mother forum but it can not be repeated often enough so eventually people who are adopting will not be so f#@King self-serving and use this language. By the same token, what first moms hate to hear is: Thank you for letting me be adopted...what we hear is {and not being raised by someone like you...).

  18. ***what first moms hate to hear is: Thank you for letting me be adopted...what we hear is {and not being raised by someone like you...)***

    Oh yes, definitely!

  19. This post hurts my heart. I'm sorry for your loss and your pain and for the ignorance of others that you have to endure.

  20. Hope you don't mind Cassi, I have linked your post and blogged about that comment as it enrages me!

    Myst xxx