Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Does He Have The Right?

I’ve said it on Facebook and I’ll say it here . . .

If you are a mother with sons and you support, in any way, the actions, situations or precedents that diminish a father’s right to his own child, then, if in the future, your own son faces such a terrible tragedy and loses the right to his own child, you only have yourself to blame.

Yes, that is my opinion, and yes, I stand strong and firm by it. If you fight now to deny a father his rights to his own child, no matter the justification you might use behind it, then you have absolutely nothing you can say or do to change it if your own son, the one you have raised and loved and cherished from day one, finds himself fighting desperately to be a father to his own son or daughter.

If you stand up now and call a father a “sperm donor” for no other reason than he is fighting to raise and love his own child. If you claim he should just “give up” and leave his son or daughter with the couple who has refused to give him back his child, than you have absolutely NO RIGHT to say anything if, down the road, your own grandchild, the flesh and blood of your own child, is just as horribly taken from your family!

Because you decided that a father’s rights don’t matter and you never took in to consideration how such a stand would affect your own son, your own grandchildren still to come.

You never stopped to think that what you supported in the here and now may very well affect your own child and the future he faces.

For weeks now, I have read, over and over and over again, yet another case of another adoptive couple, Jason and Christy Vaughn, who has fought, since close to birth, to keep a child away from his father. Though Benjamin Wyrembeck was never told he was even the father, and fought for his son, Grayson, from the moment he did learn he was indeed the father to his son, the overwhelming opinion seems to be that he is the monster, the terrible one, who dares to fight for rights that should have been his from the very start – raising and loving his OWN child.

And my anger towards such thoughts and beliefs doesn’t stem from being a First Mom. They stem from being, just plain and simply, a mom of three amazing sons who I know will someday make wonderful fathers.

And how dare anyone, ever, try to determine if my sons are “worthy” of their own children for no other reason than adoption is tossed into the ugly mix.

And yet, that is where we are heading, it seems, with all the recent situations where fathers are denied any and all say in the adoption of their children. From Baby Emma, to Grayson, to so many more over the years, the rights of fathers are being stripped away and stomped on by the harsh reality that again, the adoption industry, and their billions, outweigh any and all civil rights we, as Americans, are entitled to.

How can we, as mothers, sit back and say nothing, or even worse support such tragedies? How in the world can any one of us allow the adoption industry and its power to take over and consume such ridiculous thought. Do they really deserve more from us than our own sons? Our own flesh and blood? The little boys we raise to be strong and kind and loving?

How dare any mother, for any reason, buy into such manipulation! Your sons deserve better than this. They deserve to know you will fight long and hard for father’s rights because someday, odds are, they will be fathers as well and not a one of them should ever have to face losing their child – YOUR GRANDCHILD!

Your wrong, as a mother, if you foolishly believe what you support today will not affect your son in the future. Nothing speaks louder than a mother’s voice. And if you leave it silent, or worse yet, use it to back anyone who is out to strip ANY father of his rights, than you are a part of what your own son will face and be threatened by as he grows into the young man you are raising him to be.

Adoption laws, when it comes to fathers and their rights, are carefully crafted and created to insure that those “pesky little dads” can’t say anything or do anything that might screw up that big fat check the adoption agency or lawyer is expecting. They are put in place for one reason, and one reason only, to make it easier for adoptions to happen.

They have no cause, no bearing, on what is truly best for a child. They don’t give a damn what kind of father a man might or might not make. They are there only to diminish their worth, their importance in their own child’s life so that it’s easier for their children to be given away without their consent.

Is that what we, as mothers, want for our sons? There is absolutely no way in this world any one of us can guarantee they won’t face such a situation. No matter what precautions we take, what we teach them, we cannot, and never will be able to protect them fully from this ugly side of adoption.

It could happen to any one of our sons, just as it has happened to Ben Wyrembeck and so many other fathers before him, and so many, I’m afraid, yet to come.

So where do you stand as a mother? Do you tuck your little boy into bed tonight with a kiss and a hug and then hit your computer to call a father fighting for the rights to his child a “sperm donor” and proclaim he should just give up and walk away? Or do you understand, as you walk out of your son’s room, that you owe it to him to speak out and stand up for the rights that are quickly being taken away from him while he is still too young to even understand just how deeply it can destroy him in the years to come.

28 comments:

  1. BRAVO! I have been saying this forever! OMG - sometimes you just have to be real and know that you aren't just fighting for you - but for all the future moms and dads.

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  2. Fathers are hugely discriminated against and their importance minimized, unfortunately much of the time by mothers. This is a great post in support of father's rights, in all situations of parenting.

    Yeah, I'm a mom of a son too.

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  3. Great post Cassi!

    Despite being raped by him, when I discovered I was pregnant with Amber, I rang her "sperm" donor. I wish I had conceived under different circumstances and that her father was like the one who has spent the last three years fighting for his son. If it were different, she would still be with me or shared between us! But no, my daughter's sperm donor...get this... accepted he raped me but DENIED my daughter. And still does.

    If any father steps up and fights for his child then no one should keep him from his child. I agree father's are discriminated against, especially in adoption where they have to jump through hoops just to prove they accept their fatherhood. There is no room for them to have time out to process their lives have changed, no time for them to come to terms with what has happened. They have a one off chance to come forward and even then, that doesn't work.

    The situation with the Vaughns is revolting, truly revolting. They are just insane to do this to this father and his son. As are any adopters who fight to keep children away from their real parents. Yes, I said real. Bite me.

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  4. Lori - I agree so much, we do have to realize that we aren't always fighting just for us! I'm beginning to understand that in my own fight more and more.

    Campbell - Sadly, yes, it seems to be us mothers who discriminate against the fathers the most and I don't know how to change that except for speaking up as much as I can against such thought!

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  5. ***As are any adopters who fight to keep children away from their real parents. Yes, I said real. Bite me.***

    Ah Myst, though you didn't mean to, thank you! I needed to have a good, true laugh today and your comment did it.

    And, you know, for these kind of situations, I agree. If you deliberately do all you can do to keep a child away from his or her parents. If you fight it and fight it because you somehow believe you are more entitled to the child of one who loves and truly wants to raise his or her own child, than you aren't the "real" parent in any way!

    So I am with you on that one and I can gladly say "bite me" in the honor of my good friend, Myst.

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  6. LOL Cassi! Glad I could make you laugh :) xxx

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  7. The Vaughn's are fighting for the rights of their son.

    They are doing everything they can to protect their little boy from a life his birthmother obviously did not want him to have or she would have allowed the father to raise Grayson from the beginning.

    You don't know what this father did during the pregnancy.

    Maybe you will raise your sons to be better people than this man is but that doesn't mean all children should suffer just because a father has a right to tell a mother she isn't allowed to choose adoption for her child.

    That would be going backwards in the womens rights that have been fought for.

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  8. @JSmith, while I am sure that you know everything that happened, I have to wonder how you know.

    First, and most importantly, this woman had an affair with the man. So, she must have seen something she liked enough to jeopardize the relationship with her spouse.

    Second, no one truly knows what happens in another persons relationships. So, honestly, I think you are repeating things that were stated in a courtroom or on the news.

    Third, he is not their son and never was. He is, after all, the mother that gave him life and the father that gave him life's son...this adoption is and was a sham...

    Fourth, unless you are one of the adopters, you have no clue what is going on in that courtroom outside of what they said to the press, especially since it is family court and closed to the public. After all, they even used the old legal trick of dragging that child to the court house with them ....that, madam/sir, is not what is considered a positive experience for the child.

    Fifth, allowing a father his paternal rights has absolutely nothing to do with women's rights. As a woman, I dislike the intent of that statement. We fought for the right of what to do with our bodies. This woman chose and did what she wanted. The man has rights to, or did your father just accidently want you around?

    Please, don't pretend you know "what is in the best interests of the child." You don't and you can't. If you really did you would have to wonder about that little trip to the court house - and no, it was not necessary at all for them to drag a child to a courtroom and traumatize them with this stupidity. If you actually think you know what is best, then I have to worry about the world as it is.

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  9. J. Smith,

    If you are who I think you are, I find it laughable that you would even bring up women's rights. Women's rights are about equality, not about superiority. No women should ever have a constitutional right to give her child up for adoption without a father's consent any more than a man should have the right to give up a child without the mother's consent.

    And I find it useless to debate the Vaughn case with those who use rumors and unfounded allegations in their arguments. If you want to take the time to read the many documents filed and available through the Ohio courts (here is a good place to start . . . http://www.supremecourt.ohio.gov/Clerk/ecms/resultsbycasenumber.asp?type=3&year=2010&number=1375&myPage=searchbycasenumber.asp) and discuss the information that is there, then I might be more inclined to actually listen to what you have to say.

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  10. That's why we need the "Father's Right To Parent" act:

    http://www.change.org/petitions/view/tell_your_legislator_to_writeenact_a_fathers_right_to_parent_bill

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  11. J. Smith...

    Go to hell.

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  12. Anon - I shared the link for the petition on the Facebook page dedicated to Giving Grayson back to his father and I've also added a permanent link to it on my blog.

    Thank you for this.

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  13. "Women's rights are about equality, not about superiority. No women should ever have a constitutional right to give her child up for adoption without a father's consent any more than a man should have the right to give up a child without the mother's consent."

    Cassie, perfect!

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  14. Thank you for sharing my petition and putting a link on your blog, Cassi!!!! (((HUGS)))

    -Mara :)

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  15. J Smith, The Vaughns are fighting for a right to parent another father's son. Not THEIR son. If he was THEIR son, there would be no need for this battle now would there?? The fact they have to fight someone should show them it isn't right, especially when the person they are fighting is the father of the child.

    From what you are saying I see a very one sided story. So what if the mother decided she didn't want to give the baby to the father? She really did not have the right to make that choice once the child was born. A child has a right to know BOTH parents and as declared by the United Nations, it is a child's basic right to be kept with their real/natural/original/bio etc parents where possible.

    The Vaughns are just self entitled morons who felt they deserved a child of another person. SOunds like the same mentality of a kidnapper really. Only they are using the law to do it for them. Just disgusting. They should be utterly ashamed of themselves but they don't obviously because they have no conscience. I should know. I have had the unfortunate experience of encountering people of similar material to these vaughns. And I feel sad for anyone else who has to encounter such selfishness and lack of humanity.

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  16. I don't have sons but everything is right with your post and everything was wrong with the way this case was handled. I'm not sure the Vaughns are kidnappers. I think they are people who overlooked what was ethical and proper and felt that the longer they held on to this child the clearer their entitlement would be to everyone else. It did not work out as planned.

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  17. The Vaughns are holding a child who is not theirs and they are not his parents or family or anyone really, merely strangers who wanted a child. I would say they are the same as kidnappers. This is just another thing about adoption... in any other setting, what they are doing is abduction; enter adoption and again we see the whole situation and the English language bow to the industry. To take a child from his parent who wants to keep him is abduction. Regardless of any law. Yes that might look harsh but hey, the truth is harsh.

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  18. The kidnappers are using the f'd up laws in this country to continue to have possession over a child that isn't theirs.

    That's right, I said possession. The laws in this country treat children as chattel and that is why this case has dragged on for years.

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  19. Only in the world of adoption is a father forced to prove himself fit before ever being proven unfit.

    Only in the world of adoption can one actually have to fight for a year to get DNA testing done just to prove you are the biological parent of your child and then still be denied your child when it is clear he was taken away without the your consent.

    Only in the world of adoption are people allowed to directly defy a court order (something that would get the majority of us thrown in jail) to return a child to his parent and use the legal system to do not only do this once, but over and over again.

    Only in the world of adoption can you actually use the "possession is 9/10th's of the law" tactic with a living, breathing human being.

    Only in adoption can you make the claim that its about providing homes and families for children who truly need them while completely tossing that out the window every time you keep a child separated from the home and family he already has.

    And only in adoption can you find such a mixed message of beating up and berating fathers who want nothing to do with their children and then fighting them and calling them "sperm donors" and accusing them of not loving their children enough when they step up and want to be responsible for their child.

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  20. No women should ever have a constitutional right to give her child up for adoption without a father's consent any more than a man should have the right to give up a child without the mother's consent.
    BRAVO, CASSI!

    "... in any other setting, what they are doing is abduction;" AMEN, MYST!

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  21. Okay, it's been brought to my attention and the person who brought it to my attention is completely right . . .

    I'm sorry, I was on a writing "roll" and didn't think of the fact that my comment about us moms protecting our sons being followed by "our own flesh and blood" was very much discounting the adoptive moms out there who are raising sons and would very much believe in father's rights as well.

    I promise I was not trying to take away anything from the wonderful adoptive mothers I know and respect, who stand up and fight for their children . . . sons and daughters!

    It was honestly a slip and never meant to claim adoptive mothers don't fight just as hard and stand up just as much when they see injustices happen, such as father's rights being denied.

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  22. wouldnt open adoptions solve some of these issues?

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  23. I read a quote today that made me think of you & this blog Cassi:

    "Truth does not demand belief. Scientists do not join hands every Sunday singing, "Yes gravity is real! I will have faith! I will be strong! I believe in my heart that what goes up, up, up must come down. Amen! If they did that, we would think that they were pretty insecure about it. ~Dan Barker

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  24. Your point being etropic?

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  25. Anonymous(ie Lori)~

    My point is the just what is said here: "Truth does not demand belief." The rest of the quote just gives a nice mental illustration.

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  26. If you had daughters instead of sons would you be such a supporter of men's rights. Women had to fight hard for long time for the right to vote, go to college, work and have rights to their own property and children. We have those rights because of their hard work NOT because men decided it was wrong. Now they are whining about THEIR rights. Maybe you should start supporting womens rights because a) you are one, and b) maybe some day your son might give you a granddaughter. Ever think of that. Women have the right to abortion but not to give their child for adoption. I am with the courts and believe a man isn't a father until he supports a child and his mother. In the future I can see more woman visiting sperm banks rather than having to deal with child custody. I am for EQUAL rights for everyone but especially for rights of children who have no say. Even Fathers and Families has recognized that Grayson Vaughn has been wronged by taking him away from his parents. Read the article from Eic Reines at Fathers and Families. And while you are at it, go to www.keepinggrayonhome.com and check out the mug shots of the "fit father" and his felon paralegal supporter. Want your grandchild to be handed over to them?

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  27. I always enjoy a good laugh first thing in the morning, and the most recent "anonymous" poster provided just that for me today :-)

    It never ceases to amaze me how some people feel the need to do a virtual drive by with their words as he/she has done. If one feels so strongly about a point then stand up and be counted by NAME and quit hiding behind the word anonymous! You don't even have to use your real name but use SOMETHING..ANYTHING! It's hard to keep track of each "anonymous" posters here....

    Anonymous, it's apparent you feel strongly about the topic at hand here, otherwise you wouldn't have voiced your disdain. I'm all for an open and frank discussion, but comments such as the previous one, imo, are only meant to be inflammatory & retaliatory; typical "hit and run" tactic. But I really get irritated at the lack of respect given to others and their opinions when online. No one learns or understands anything when there is virtual fighting of confrontational behavior such as this. If you are offended by what's here, then please feel free to leave the same way you came. This is a place of learning and understanding of others in regards to adoption.

    Anonymous, you are more than entitled to your thoughts and feelings about this topic, however it seems you have missed the point. The point being that if there is a natural father willing to step up to the plate and raise his child when the natural mother does not chose to (for whatever reason!) he should have that right to do so! It's really that simple. Actually it's the LAW in a majority of states as I understand it.

    I know that this is fact for the state of Nebraska. If the natural father does not want to have his child placed for adoption the natural mother can not go forward with her adoption plan. The natural mother MUST inform him and/or at LEAST attempt to locate him. If he is not located, there is an advertisement placed in the local paper "advertising" for him.

    It's common sense really. Morally, I feel that if it takes 2 people to make a child, then it SHOULD take 2 to decide that's child's future. (of course there are exceptions in cases such as rape and incest)Imo, one parents right shouldn't trump another. Legally however, it's a whole other story.

    As far as Grayson's adoptive parents are concerned, they are simply just that,"adoptive parents; nothing more nothing less. Signing your name to a piece of paper doesn't magically make one a parent just because they want to be. WANTING to be anything does not bring that want to fruition. I WANT a million dollars but that's not happening anytime soon. Despite what the book "The Secret" tells you, that kind of thinking can't overcome certain obstacles in life. Nothing can change the facts of biology and where one comes from.

    Secondly, do we REALLY need to lower ourselves into discussing who did what and who is better than whom in regards to who is "fit" to raise Grayson? What does a "felon paralegal" have anything to do with a man's right to raise his child? If anonymous is "offended", maybe he/she needs to take a look at the Gladney Foundation and maybe dig a bit deeper into the world of adoption instead of just scratching the surface.

    I have read all of the ALLEGATIONS against Mr. Wyrembek, and ask this question: Really, everyone (for the most part) deserves a second chance. Wouldn't you want someone to give you a second chance after making a mistake? He never was given the opportunity to parent his child. THAT is the true crime here.

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