Thursday, October 28, 2010

You Said What?

I can’t, I don’t, and I’m not sure I even want to understand the thought process of so many when it comes to the world of adoption.

Can they not hear how ridiculous and wrong some of their statements are? What happens in the minds of some to actually convince them of certain things, like this . . .

“Birth parents can be wonderful loving people, in fact the most loving people when they do a very loving thing by giving their child to a family.”

Excuse me!!! What???

So as one of those “oh, so wonderful beemommies,” I’m a wonderful, loving person – in fact the MOST loving person – since I gave away my child to another family to raise as their own. Really? That’s what makes me loving?

Cause, you know, I just don’t see it that way. You know . . . me . . . the one who gave away her child to another family. That “wonderful beemommie” who “CAN” be wonderful and loving (as opposed to what . . . terrible and hateful?)

I wasn’t a wonderful, loving person and I sure as hell don’t want anyone to see me that way for giving away my child.


Please tell me how that is wonderful and loving.

I was terrified, confused, numb and convinced that I would be the worst of all failures as my son’s mother. I loved my son so much that I wanted to keep him. But I was told that love was selfish and wrong. That loving him like that put him at risk for being abused and neglected. That my love wasn’t enough and could never give him all the wonderful things he deserved.

I didn’t give up my son because I was so wonderfully loving. Who, in their right mind, really does that? Who really believes that you can love your child enough to give them away?

But, I believed it too, didn’t I. Even though it went against everything I knew. Was a painful rub against what I was feeling inside . . . I said, “Okay, you’re right. I must not love my child enough if I want to keep him. To prove how much I love him, I must give him up.”

Oh, and lets add even more to my love for my son since, when I held him in the hospital room and wanted to keep him, take him home with me and yet didn’t because I was worried about the feelings of his adoptive parents, I then felt as if maybe I really didn’t love him enough because who in the world puts the fate of their child on the emotions of someone else?

And I secretly lived with that one for years!

Really, if someone wants to suggest that I, or any other parent, love their child enough to give them up then I suggest they be the first to do it. Go ahead, admit there is somebody out there better than you. Somebody who is richer, more successful, happier . . . whatever . . . and is more worthy of raising your child and the only thing you have to do to prove how much you love him or her is give them away to this person.

I mean, what would be stopping you? It is the ultimate act of being a wonderful, loving person. So do it already.

And when you do, please come back and let me know just how wonderful you feel. Let me know how that rush of love for your child is affecting you. Please share and give me an insight to just how much love you feel now that your child is no longer yours and you left him or her in the arms of a stranger.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Does He Have The Right?

I’ve said it on Facebook and I’ll say it here . . .

If you are a mother with sons and you support, in any way, the actions, situations or precedents that diminish a father’s right to his own child, then, if in the future, your own son faces such a terrible tragedy and loses the right to his own child, you only have yourself to blame.

Yes, that is my opinion, and yes, I stand strong and firm by it. If you fight now to deny a father his rights to his own child, no matter the justification you might use behind it, then you have absolutely nothing you can say or do to change it if your own son, the one you have raised and loved and cherished from day one, finds himself fighting desperately to be a father to his own son or daughter.

If you stand up now and call a father a “sperm donor” for no other reason than he is fighting to raise and love his own child. If you claim he should just “give up” and leave his son or daughter with the couple who has refused to give him back his child, than you have absolutely NO RIGHT to say anything if, down the road, your own grandchild, the flesh and blood of your own child, is just as horribly taken from your family!

Because you decided that a father’s rights don’t matter and you never took in to consideration how such a stand would affect your own son, your own grandchildren still to come.

You never stopped to think that what you supported in the here and now may very well affect your own child and the future he faces.

For weeks now, I have read, over and over and over again, yet another case of another adoptive couple, Jason and Christy Vaughn, who has fought, since close to birth, to keep a child away from his father. Though Benjamin Wyrembeck was never told he was even the father, and fought for his son, Grayson, from the moment he did learn he was indeed the father to his son, the overwhelming opinion seems to be that he is the monster, the terrible one, who dares to fight for rights that should have been his from the very start – raising and loving his OWN child.

And my anger towards such thoughts and beliefs doesn’t stem from being a First Mom. They stem from being, just plain and simply, a mom of three amazing sons who I know will someday make wonderful fathers.

And how dare anyone, ever, try to determine if my sons are “worthy” of their own children for no other reason than adoption is tossed into the ugly mix.

And yet, that is where we are heading, it seems, with all the recent situations where fathers are denied any and all say in the adoption of their children. From Baby Emma, to Grayson, to so many more over the years, the rights of fathers are being stripped away and stomped on by the harsh reality that again, the adoption industry, and their billions, outweigh any and all civil rights we, as Americans, are entitled to.

How can we, as mothers, sit back and say nothing, or even worse support such tragedies? How in the world can any one of us allow the adoption industry and its power to take over and consume such ridiculous thought. Do they really deserve more from us than our own sons? Our own flesh and blood? The little boys we raise to be strong and kind and loving?

How dare any mother, for any reason, buy into such manipulation! Your sons deserve better than this. They deserve to know you will fight long and hard for father’s rights because someday, odds are, they will be fathers as well and not a one of them should ever have to face losing their child – YOUR GRANDCHILD!

Your wrong, as a mother, if you foolishly believe what you support today will not affect your son in the future. Nothing speaks louder than a mother’s voice. And if you leave it silent, or worse yet, use it to back anyone who is out to strip ANY father of his rights, than you are a part of what your own son will face and be threatened by as he grows into the young man you are raising him to be.

Adoption laws, when it comes to fathers and their rights, are carefully crafted and created to insure that those “pesky little dads” can’t say anything or do anything that might screw up that big fat check the adoption agency or lawyer is expecting. They are put in place for one reason, and one reason only, to make it easier for adoptions to happen.

They have no cause, no bearing, on what is truly best for a child. They don’t give a damn what kind of father a man might or might not make. They are there only to diminish their worth, their importance in their own child’s life so that it’s easier for their children to be given away without their consent.

Is that what we, as mothers, want for our sons? There is absolutely no way in this world any one of us can guarantee they won’t face such a situation. No matter what precautions we take, what we teach them, we cannot, and never will be able to protect them fully from this ugly side of adoption.

It could happen to any one of our sons, just as it has happened to Ben Wyrembeck and so many other fathers before him, and so many, I’m afraid, yet to come.

So where do you stand as a mother? Do you tuck your little boy into bed tonight with a kiss and a hug and then hit your computer to call a father fighting for the rights to his child a “sperm donor” and proclaim he should just give up and walk away? Or do you understand, as you walk out of your son’s room, that you owe it to him to speak out and stand up for the rights that are quickly being taken away from him while he is still too young to even understand just how deeply it can destroy him in the years to come.