Thursday, April 1, 2010

Dear Diary

I haven’t seen my old diary for years. Tonight I found it in a box stuffed in the crawl space and realized the last two entries I ever wrote were both about giving up my son and the pain it caused.

So here it is, from the sixteen year old girl I once was who had just lost more than she ever counted on . . .

December 29, 1987,

Two days ago, on Sunday, December 27th, I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy at 1:11 a.m. His name is Justin Cain Bella. Today I gave him to his adoptive parents. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my whole life. I feel as if I just gave up a big part of myself. I love Justin, more then I have ever loved anyone else!! It’s gonna hurt so bad. I miss him so much already.

In a way, I want him back so much but I know I can’t. The only thing that kept me from keeping my baby is Terri, the mom who is adopting him. I couldn’t do that to her. She has wanted a baby for so long. I couldn’t hurt her by changing my mind. So although I’m hurting, it helps to know I gave a child to someone who thought they would never be able to have a baby in their life.

But I miss Justin so much. I just want to hold him and love him. I wish I had my son!! I love him so much.

May 22, 1988

I’d love to say everything is perfect now and I have no problems anymore, but I can’t. I still miss my baby a lot!! It’s easy to make my friends believe I’m fine, but deep down inside, I’m still falling apart. I see other people with their babies and I feel like falling apart and crying my eyes out! I look at his pictures and I get a knot in my throat.

I just want Justin back, to hold and love!! He’s a part of me and I can’t just forget him. I have seen him twice since he was born and I’ve gotten plenty of pictures.

I know Terri cares but poor John, he feels as if he doesn’t count, like no one cares that Justin was his baby too and he also had to deal with the pain of giving up a part of him! I know he counts and I know he loves Justin just as much as I do. It took two to make Justin and both of those two are gonna hurt!

Everyday Justin looks more and more like John and I know when he gets older he’s gonna have all the girls chasing after him. I will always love him and I know John always will too. He’s our son and no one can ever change that.

But I still just want him back. That’s all I want is my son back. I’m so tired of crying and missing him and I just want to hold him again and have him as my son. That’s all I want.


  1. Such an incredibly painful thing you had to do as did my mother, she had me for 6 weeks though.Is that better or worse?
    Adoption is so punishing and that lever of infertiity so cruel.
    Hope one day it will all fall better for you, good wishes....

  2. (((((16 year old Cassi))))) and (((((Cassi now)))))

    So weird you found your diary... we have been cleaning out our garage today and I found a couple of my diaries from when I was pregnant and around the time I lost Amber and it is painful to read.

    Its great you kept these. It makes sad reading but it helps to see how vulnerable you once were and know how far you have come.

    Thank you for sharing something so very intimate with us.

    Much love,
    Myst xxx

  3. ((((((((((Cassi)))))))))))) That stings- I found some of my journals not long ago. It hurts to read them-

  4. I have similar diaries from my time in the maternity home and days afterward. Wretching to read.

    What a sad world we live in that we tell mothers to give away their babies. What a world we live in that others take them, rename them, act "as if born to", and hide their identities. What a world we live in that those same children then take all that shame on themselves and believe there is something wrong with them versus something very wrong with the world, the society, the belief system they were born into.

  5. Oh Cassie, my heart breaks for you reading those diary entries. What proof that pre-birth matching is coercive. How sad that we were made to feel more worried about breaking someone else's heart than our own.