I haven’t seen my old diary for years. Tonight I found it in a box stuffed in the crawl space and realized the last two entries I ever wrote were both about giving up my son and the pain it caused.
So here it is, from the sixteen year old girl I once was who had just lost more than she ever counted on . . .
December 29, 1987,
Two days ago, on Sunday, December 27th, I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy at 1:11 a.m. His name is Justin Cain Bella. Today I gave him to his adoptive parents. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my whole life. I feel as if I just gave up a big part of myself. I love Justin, more then I have ever loved anyone else!! It’s gonna hurt so bad. I miss him so much already.
In a way, I want him back so much but I know I can’t. The only thing that kept me from keeping my baby is Terri, the mom who is adopting him. I couldn’t do that to her. She has wanted a baby for so long. I couldn’t hurt her by changing my mind. So although I’m hurting, it helps to know I gave a child to someone who thought they would never be able to have a baby in their life.
But I miss Justin so much. I just want to hold him and love him. I wish I had my son!! I love him so much.
May 22, 1988
I’d love to say everything is perfect now and I have no problems anymore, but I can’t. I still miss my baby a lot!! It’s easy to make my friends believe I’m fine, but deep down inside, I’m still falling apart. I see other people with their babies and I feel like falling apart and crying my eyes out! I look at his pictures and I get a knot in my throat.
I just want Justin back, to hold and love!! He’s a part of me and I can’t just forget him. I have seen him twice since he was born and I’ve gotten plenty of pictures.
I know Terri cares but poor John, he feels as if he doesn’t count, like no one cares that Justin was his baby too and he also had to deal with the pain of giving up a part of him! I know he counts and I know he loves Justin just as much as I do. It took two to make Justin and both of those two are gonna hurt!
Everyday Justin looks more and more like John and I know when he gets older he’s gonna have all the girls chasing after him. I will always love him and I know John always will too. He’s our son and no one can ever change that.
But I still just want him back. That’s all I want is my son back. I’m so tired of crying and missing him and I just want to hold him again and have him as my son. That’s all I want.