Monday, April 5, 2010

And Then Comes Anger

So many want to discount anger. They want to claim it’s wrong to feel, that it somehow holds us back, inhibits us.

But sometimes, anger is good. Sometimes it’s justified. And sometimes there really is just no other way to feel, which is exactly where I am after reading those last two entries I shared in my previous post, Dear Diary.

There really is no other way to feel, for me, other than anger after reading what I wrote so many years ago.

I had not remembered that I kept any kind of written memories from that time in my life. As I have said before, I was so numb, as if I wasn’t even really there, during my pregnancy. I couldn’t feel, couldn’t think. I just simply survived.

And after giving up my son, my memory is of such pain and such feelings of unworthiness as his mother that I again walked around in this cloud of not really being there as a part of my life, but simply going through the steps, surviving day after day.

So, in the times I look back on that time, I never thought I had actually taken the time to write down how I was feeling, what I was going through since I struggled so much to even understand it myself.

And, I really didn’t write much of anything during that time. My diary I found was full of entries from almost two years prior to giving up my son but there is so very little from my pregnancy, from the actual loss.

Just one entry a few weeks before giving birth and the two I shared after giving up my oldest son. That is all I ever wrote. All I could write during that time in my life.

And yet, with those last two entries, that was all that was needed to bring forth such a tremendous anger.

Because those who I trusted, who I believed in, who said they were there for me, were the very ones who pulled their games, used their tricks, knowing . . . . KNOWING . . . that the very feelings I suffered from, struggled with, were the exact ones they hoped for so that I would feel I had no choice but to give away my son.

The bastards! Every one of them!

I read those words and remember that pain and I wonder . . . how could they? How could they knowingly put me through that simply because they wanted my baby for that other couple. How could anyone set out to create those kind of heart wrenching feelings for another human being?

They lied to me. They cheated me. They created a false trust that was created in pure bullshit.

And they didn’t give a damn about it or about me, or about my son.

They cared about their research, their study, and their known tactics to insure, in every way they could, that I would walk away from the hospital without my son.

The fact that it killed me to do so. That I spent night after night crying, wanting my son back, wishing I could just hold him, be his mother and love and care for him as I was supposed to do, didn’t mean crap to them. Because they always knew! They knew long before I did that encouraging a relationship with my son’s adoptive parents before I ever gave birth would tip the odds in their favor that I would give up my child.

They knew the risk of what it would be like holding my son in my arms for the first time and knowing the love unlike any other and they used their power to combat against that. To make sure I went home to write about the pain and loss tearing through me while his adoptive parents went home with my son.

And there I was, on that day I gave up my son, home without him, believing that it was okay, made it better, that I gave away my child to a couple who couldn’t have one of their own.

How wrong is that? That wasn’t my job, my responsibility. I wanted my son. I wanted to take him home with me. But I didn’t because those I trusted, believed in, did all they could to lead me into that disgusting train of thought. And I followed it to the point where I placed my son in the arms of his adoptive mother because I couldn’t bare to hurt her without stopping to think how terribly I was hurting myself, my son, his father, his grandparents . . . so many others who should have come long before this woman I had only known for a few, short months and was only building a relationship with me because she wanted my child.

Back then I thought those who I trusted, who helped me “decide” what was best for my son never could have known just how desperately I wanted to keep my son and how bad it hurt me to give him away. I believed that they told me the truth, that every word they said was done because they were concerned about me, my baby.

And yet now, I read that and I know, from their own words, that those feelings, that pain and loss was exactly what they wanted. They didn’t give a damn. They sent me home knowing, and counting on those feelings. They wanted me to hurt like that because it meant I would still walk away from my child.

Those bastards knew! They knew what I might feel and they did everything they could to make sure such feelings did not change my mind.

And I hate it. I hate every part of it.

How do we support this? How do we say this is okay?

It is so wrong. So terrible that we still do this to pregnant women, day after day.

Why?

I can never imagine the loss infertility creates and I will never discount the affect it has but is that reason enough to put another woman through such a tremendous loss. How can anyone believe that it’s okay to let another woman suffer the loss of a child so that they can gain?

This has to stop! It just plain and simply has to stop!

Such a practice that tells moms they are no good and encourages them to give up their babies is one that should be banned and hated by all. We can’t keep doing this to our own fellow human beings. It’s just not right.

I’m not just one with a rare experience. I am one of many who was used and discarded so that my child could be given to another couple. I’m not an oddity to be tossed aside. I am the norm for so much of what happens to pregnant moms. For what they are told, what society and our current beliefs leave so many women struggling with.

And it is so wrong. And it makes me so angry.

I can’t change what happened to that sixteen year old girl I was who lost so much but I can use my anger in every way possible to fight against this continuing to happen to other pregnant moms.

Because I’m not going to follow the norm. I’m not going to jump on the bandwagon and believe that it’s okay to use women and their children in such a vulgar, disgusting way.

It just needs to stop. Once and for all. No loving, caring mother should ever be expected to give up her child for any reason. It’s wrong in every way.

I don’t give a damn about money or marriage or career. Mothers and children deserve to stay together. Nobody should ever be led into such a loss. We have to, absolutely have to, stop the ridiculous belief that it’s okay to take a baby from one mother to fill the desire of another.

We have to turn away from the message that a good mother gives up her baby to someone better, to the continued view that any woman would ever actually “choose” by her own free will to lose her child.

And we have to run as hard and as fast as we can away from the thought that those who become pregnant are the ones to solve the loss of those who can’t. It’s not our job. It should never be our job. And until that is understood and accepted, the world of adoption will never change!

49 comments:

  1. I'm mad too Cassi. Other side of the equation, but I'm mad too.

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  2. Cassi, every word of this is so true and every word is what I have thought and lived for all of the subsequent years, following losing my child to a frauduent "open adoption."

    May our anger at the injustices committed against us by the greedy adoption agencies and selfish adoptive parents be channeled into something good; to stop this from happening to other uninformed, vulnerable young women who have every right to keep and raise their own babies.

    Fabulous post. Thank you!

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  3. As one of those who was lost to adoption by a mother who felt as you do I can only underline what you say about it all stopping.Adoption is not a cure for infertility.
    Remember you were young, under so much pressure, coercion and manipulation..don't be angry with yourself keep it for those who deserve it and are justified in receiving it.
    Very best wishes, always....

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  4. Cassie, I had but one child - so I understand both sides of the equation. I know what it is like to lose a child to adoption and I know what it is like to be completely infertile.

    Nothing could have induced me to adopt a child - even when I was so bad I could not go near any infant anything. I wanted so badly to have a child I could keep - but knew there would be know more from my body.

    My husband suggested it once - I guess my reaction was strong enough he never even finished the thought. I have even considered adopting out of foster care - but the idea, the idea of removing a child from themselves - that I can't do.

    Nothing, absolutely nothing justifies stealing another's baby.

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  5. I have tears in my eyes...I could have written this post myself (except I didn't get to meet or know the couple that adopted my son). I was 16 as well and was so numb for so many years that I never spoke about it with anyone. It's so nice to have the internet these days to know that I'm not alone and that I'm not the only one who has had these feelings all of these years.

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  6. Wow! I am going through this. Unfortunately my child was taught to disrespect me. Our "Open" adoption and much anticipated reunion failed from the start. I waited 18 years to embrace her and she told me to...I can not repeat. She will be 21 April 11. I am as heart broken today as I was then. Worse because the numbness wore off and the excruciating pain remains. I could go on and on.

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  7. Hi Cassi :)

    I find the anger comes in cycles... anger, sorrow, anguish, resolute and then back to anger again. No resolution however because it is an ongoing pain and experience.... there is no closure to losing our babies this way.

    As long as we use our anger in a healthy way and direct it into avenues that don't destroy us, it is good to be angry as what was done to us was wrong and to sit back and swallow it and live in denial ends up hurting us worse in the long run. I have seen that happen to many mothers and it is sad.

    You are right, anger is good... righteous anger, and hey, even Jesus showed anger so for all the bible bashing freaks out there, they cannot tell you it is bad ;)

    Hugs,
    Myst xxx

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  8. Every word you write seems as if it came straight from my heart.
    Thank you for writing so eloquently what I can only suptter out in anger and despair.
    Your blog is the starting point I gave my (almost) future husband so that he could understand my grief.

    Coming up in two weeks, my son, the baby I wanted more than anything in the world, turns 7.
    I thank you for your writing.

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  9. Be angry, Cassie. Let it out. From an adoptee's perspective, I feel that there's too much of this "disallowing" of anger and negative emotions when it comes to adoption. The feelings you feel/have felt as a natural parent, and the feelings we adoptees feel, seem to be always so covered up by the happy things that adoptive parents go through. I find it extremely frustrating.

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  10. Arg, sorry. I hadn't finished my comment before I posted it. And now I can't remember what I wanted to say!

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  11. Just so you know, adoptees feel offended when you use the word bastard in your post. I see other natural mothers do this to and it bothers me and some other people. If we want discrimination against us to stop, we must start at home. Don't you think?

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  12. So very powerful, and so very true. I am going to cross link this to my facebook- Hope you don't mind! oh and my blog as well!

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  13. I know the feeling all too well..

    I actually prefer the nager, becasue when I am not angry, I am not working as hard as I can against the adoption indusrty.

    What gets me the most disjointed is even when totally einvolived in adoption, someitmes I can sit and listen to other mother's stories and feel their horror.. and I find myself thining "Oh that is just terrible..terrible..I wonder how she got through..?" and then, it hits me again like a ton of bricks: YOU KNOW! YOU KNOW! This is YOUR LIFE.. It happened to you too!
    And I hate it all over again and just think: no.. this can't be what happened to me...

    but it is.. and we can never get back what they took from us.

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  14. 'Just so you know'I am a bastard and proud of it these days.I'm proud to be associated with all the other bastards.It reminds me I am my mothers daughter.My daughter is a bastard too, it gives her no problems she tells me.I would never speak for her or any other person, you can't make assumptions.
    I'm proud to know mothers who gave birth to bastards as they are the most courageous women around and I hope they find justice soon.For those adoptees who aren't ready for reunion or had it and gave it away, please show some compassion and try to understand.There may come a time when you regret your stance and rejection, move on through, stop listening to the adoption story propaganda and make your own mind up.Mothers deserve a proper hearing, they deserve understanding and they deserve to know what happened to their precious baby.They were then as manipulated as you are now.
    By the way I hate the term 'natural mother' it suggests the woman who gave birth to me was in some way un-natural.Just so you know Anon.

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  15. What is it with age sixteen? I had a friend in high school who gave her baby up for adoption and she was sixteen too. The next school year, she was back and we were in chorus class together and we had to do a Christmas show and one of the songs was something like "See The Pretty Baby" and she broke down and cried.

    I'm a first mom now too... lost my son to grandparent adoption. They don't just punish pregnant women. They use it as social engineering and punishment against women who already have kids. In my case it's the ex-in-laws and I put their son in jail and they hated me for not kissing their asses afterward. I turned to them for help because what their son did left me destitute and they made sure I could never get him back.

    The judge never cares--they look at the paperwork, make sure it's in order, never ask to speak to the parents. No one asked for my side of things. No one considered that as I was living in another state and wasn't there at the court hearing that maybe it was because I couldn't afford the trip nor the lawyer. For all they knew the signature on the relinquishment was forged. They had ZERO identification from me to verify. Didn't matter.

    Of course when it's an older child, and my son was four when the adoption was final, everyone assumes it was a bad parent or parents, and that's acceptable because you're "saving the children." We have no advocates, the fact that we lost our kids at all says we're bad people. Good parents never lose their kids. That's the mythology.

    I understand some kids are mistreated and need alternatives to staying with their parents. But there are alternatives to severing the legal relationship between parents and kids. Other adults can be given guardianship without a permanent adoption. We already have something like this with foster care.

    And we could even do things besides remove the child from their family, especially in the case of young, single parents. Oftentimes family won't help, although that situation is improving, but that doesn't mean other adults can't step up and volunteer. The choices should not be "kill it, give it up, or go on welfare." There need to be more choices. People's mental health and happiness--and sometimes their lives, as children are sometimes killed by foster parents and adopters--are riding on this.

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  16. "By the way I hate the term 'natural mother' it suggests the woman who gave birth to me was in some way un-natural.Just so you know Anon".

    Well I hate the term bastard. Just so you know. Since I am one, I have every right to say so. If you want to keep discrimination against us alive and well, don't ever complain about the word! Btw, natural moms look like they don't like us when they use that term when it pertains to someone else. Someone I know who isn't involved with adoption in any way mentioned that to me and I agree with him.

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  17. Words have power Anon, you obviously get that. I would prefer mother over any other appelation. My daughter is my daughter- doesn't matter whether I was married or not. If it did my oldest son could call himself a bastard as well. If you take a word and make it yours the meaning can change-what it stand for can change- so while you dislike the word bastard others claim at their own and are proud of it. It's just a different POV- I don't use the bs acceptable happy adoption language either. I use honest language. I did not make an adoption plan, I surrendered- ask me how that happened. Words matter very much!

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  18. Calling someone else a bastard Mary is meant to be an insult. Society doesn't care how we feel about it. They make no effort to change. I could say calling you women who had kids unmarried whores isn't an insult either. Would you be proud of that word? Would you call yourself that? It goes both ways.

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  19. 윤 said...

    I wholly agree."Be angry, Let it out. From an adoptive parent of adults perspective, I feel that there's too much of this "disallowing" of anger and negative emotions when it comes to adoption. The feelings you feel and have felt as a mother who gave birth to this child are always so covered up by the happy things that adoptive parents write, I find extremely frustrating.

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  20. "By the way I hate the term 'natural mother' it suggests the woman who gave birth to me was in some way un-natural.."

    But the term natural mother is meant to refer to the mother who gave birth to you. It is often adoptive parents who complain that it implies they are unnatural, which is far from the truth -- it does not imply "unnatural" -- only man-made and socially-created (which modern child adoption is, having only been invented in 1851 in Massachusetts).

    If we go by the "logic of opposites," then people who adopt who want us to be called "birthparents" should label themselves "deathparents." Sometimes there are more than 2 options.

    I hate the term 'birthmother' and will never use the term 'firstmother' for myself as I did not cease being a mother when a "second mother" came along.

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  21. "The bastards! Every one of them!"

    Yes, every one of those who stood by and did nothing fall into my bastard basket. They did nothing but watch us fail and with glee.

    Infant adoption needs to stop. It is a human rights violation and nightmare for women around the world.

    Carol

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  22. I just happened upon this blog, and after reading several entries, thought i would comment. First, i'm so sorry to hear about these sad stories! but i really don't know what you're talking about. Were you approached by an agency? Is that where the manipulation comes in? Or did you choose to go through them? My husband and I chose adoption due to infertility. i was sorry to read comments that people feel this was not what adoption should be for (for those who commented "selfish adoptive parents..we paid $22,000 to create our family...we can't be that selfish!)...but you all know how I felt...except rather than having a baby and giving him up, i wasn't able to have a baby at all... Our agency was wonderful to work with, After the birthmother chose us, we met with her several times. It was never a secret this would be difficult for her, and we respected that. She gave us such an amazing gift. And we still marvel at her strength and resoluteness to see it through. She is such a brave young lady and we know she was thinking of her son's well-being when she placed him in our care. I hope you all find peace in your decisions, even if you feel they were less than yours. Many of the thoughts posted here are too heavy a burden to bare. My best..

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  23. Um jan, you have NO idea what it is like to lose a REAL child, a human being who exists and is not just a dream. You have lost a dream and that is sad yes... but that dream was just that, your hopes and people lose those all the time. Losing a child is much, much worse as they are real; we have felt them, carried them in our bodies, heard their cries. We haven't dreamt them. They are human beings and real and therefore the loss is very real an alot worse.

    You were never given a "gift"; you have another mother's child. I find your comments insulting and insensitive to the pain and anguish caused to many BECAUSE of the desires of people like you. You are the reason women are stripped of their children and you make me ill.

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  24. Anonymous...why is it so wrong for me to have desires to have a child too? What would YOU suggest someone like me do? Did you not CHOOSE to give your baby up? A difficult decision..but so admirable. It is certainly a reality that for my husband and I to have the happiness that we do, there would also be a loss on the birthmother's part. But what a selfless act on her part.

    I'm sorry you can't find peace in knowing you did the right thing for your baby. We all deserve to be happy. My son is no longer another woman's child...he's mine.

    Still wishing you the best...

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  25. No jan, it is NOT a selfless act but one that wreaks havoc for generations to come. No, I did not choose to give my baby up as many mothers didn't but lost them to predators like yourself.

    It isn't wrong to have hopes and dreams and to want a child. But to make another mother sacrifice her family for your dreams and desires is plain wrong. That is when your dreams and desires are no longer about you but the involvement of others and therefore NOT okay. All well and good for the mother of the child you adopted to seem okay with her "decision" but I wonder if her child will thank her later for abandonding her because that is how adopted persons perceive being handed off to strangers. For them, adoption is second best, the unnatural decision.

    And that biy will always, ALWAYS be the son of the mother who brought him into this world. Nature made it so. Sorry YOU can't find peace with that.

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  26. "My son is no longer another woman's child...he's mine."

    NO JAN, that child is ANOTHER WOMAN'S child that you happen to covet. You delusional thinking is so prevalent in the adoption world, however, that is exactly what it is, delusional. So easy for you to make a statement like that and dismiss the mother child bond that will never, ever go away after you get what you want, someone else's child.

    The commenter above is so right.. sorry YOU can't make peace with that.

    Sorry to burst your holier than thou bubble.

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  27. Jan - though there is so much I want to respond to this, I think it will do better if I separate my comments into another post.

    But I will say this, to start, one of the worst beliefs I think any adoptive parents can ever has is to believe that their child is the child of only one mother. The very second adoption becomes a part of their life, they become a child of two mothers and NOBODY has a right to deny this as part of their reality!

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  28. And I love this...
    "I'm sorry you can't find peace in knowing you did the right thing for your baby. We all deserve to be happy."

    How the hell do you know if anyone did the right thing for THEIR baby?

    Most of us did NOT do the right thing for OUR babies. I did the wrong thing by being conned and manipulated by liars who promised me an open adoption, who like you, thought they deserved happiness, AT MY EXPENSE.

    Your right. We all do deserve happiness. We mothers deserved to be happy and bask in the joy of rasing OUR children, not giving them up.

    Yours or anyone else's happiness is not a young, vulnerable woman's concern. It is not anyone's duty to provide you with a baby so YOU can find happiness and they can live the rest of their lives with greif and regret. It is not anyone's problem if YOU are infertle.

    Yes, I sypathize with anyone who cannot have children, but to place that burden on someone who can, who is vulnerable and scared is wrong and selfish.

    My son's adoptive mother made a point of saying how angry she was that she could not have children and other women could get pregnant so easily. Guess what? She never stopped being angry, even after she manipulated my child out of my arms and into hers. The woman never gave a rats a** about what I went through when I lost my son to her. All she cared about was herself and still does to this day. That is all she will ever care about~ HERSELF. She has to have my child's undying love and loyalty all for herself. I got nothing and nothing is all I will ever get.

    How is that for "happiness"?

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  29. Jan, after disclosing how you engaged in emotionally coercing the mother who surrendered her baby to you, I am surprised that you can actually talk about her "choice" when you never gave her one.

    There was no "choice" on her part:

    1) A choice is not a "choice" when coercion has influenced that choice: by meeting you prior to signing surrender papers, it was impossible for her feelings about you and comparing herself to you could NOT have influenced her decision. That is why pre-surrender contact with PAPs should be banned -- it is inherently coercive. High oxytocin levels would have influenced her -- causing her to love you/bond with you/trust you.

    2) Did you allow her to recover from birth before making her decision, or did you take her baby while she was still in the hospital, bleeding, lactacting for a baby who was taken? Recovery takes at least six weeks post-birth. Any "decision" before this time has been affected by pregnancy/birthing hormones.

    And there are likely huge other coercive factors involved. Sorry, but you are either very blind to how coercion happens, or you don't care of it did and dismiss it. Either way, it was not an ethical adoption and buying a child for $22,000 is human trafficking -- someone's paycheck depending on this huge profit. It cost me $200 to adopt my son - compare THAT with what you paid to a baby broker.

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  30. Good post, Cassi! Anger is a valid emotion, considering how our children were stolen/abducted from us by an industry that only wanted womb-fresh infants to feed rampant market demand.

    My advice for Jan: consider that adoption is meant for unwanted and unloved infants. If a mother loves and wants her baby -- why should she be coerced into surrendering that baby? Why not provide her with the resources to keep her child, as per her human rights? If there is any type of LOSS for the mother, then an adoption should not be happening.

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  31. You know, every time I come online I hope there are no more Jans in the world.

    Sadly, every time I log on, they're still here.

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  32. I hope you're doing alight cassi. thinking of you.

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  33. There is Righteous Anger.

    Righteous Anger for mothers of kidnapping is a valid Anger. Our children were stolen from us. It was not adoption, it was kidnapping.

    Placing for Adoption = voluntarily consent, no coersion or fraud used. No money is exchanged, otherwise it is child trafficking.

    Most if not all so-called "adoptions" were using coercion and "open adoption" is fraudulent. Our children were coerced from us, and thus they were stolen. When people manipulate us, it is wrong, unethical, and illegal. The fact that lawyers and judges get kickbacks and endorse unethical and illegal activity is nothing new. Politicians, lawyers, judges do this all the time.

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  34. BRAVO.

    Everyone is complicit in this crime.

    And taking a child from someone to fill the arms of another is worthy of a place in hell.

    Thank you for putting this out there.

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  36. "My son is no longer another woman's child...he's mine."

    It is interesting how you say that without even considering the Adopted child's feeling on the matter. What would you say to the child you Adopted if he or she felt the woman who brought him or her into the world was his or her Mother too? Your statement is very childish and selfish and you are the type of AP that will cause unbeleivable problems to this child's sense of idenity and psyche. Even if this child's Real Mother didn't want this poor child, the child still has a right to know his or her bloodline and be in reality enough to know that YOU are not the lone Mother. You need to realize too, that who this child is is FROM his biological parents, the way the child looks, what the child wants to do for a career, any talents the child has and even mannerisms. To deny the child this fact, is to deny WHO the child is. And no one has a right to do that to any other human being.

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  37. While I believe your anger is justified, I feel that some of your anger is directed at the wrong source. Adoptive mothers are led to these agencies with the belief they are there to help these young mothers by raising their children as their own and thus allowing the birth mothers to “move on with their lives.” They are (most of the time) duped into believing they are doing the right thing (just as birth mothers are told the same by giving up their child). I don’t believe adoptive parents are educated about the fact that these young mothers will suffer great sadness and loss. I agree with your statement: “I can never imagine the loss infertility creates and I will never discount the affect it has but is that reason enough to put another woman through such a tremendous loss. How can anyone believe that it’s okay to let another woman suffer the loss of a child so that they can gain?” But I don’t believe adoptive mothers feel that it is okay to “let another woman suffer the loss of a child so that they can gain.” What are adoptive mother supposed to do when asked by a birth mother to parent their child? Say “No?”

    I have five children from the same birth mother (all children were adopted via private OPEN adoption, not through an agency). In all cases she was given the chance to parent her children. Some of her children were placed with me only to be taken back again by their mother. No relinquishment was signed for at least 3 months and in some cases up to 8 months after placement, which meant she could legally take her children back at any time. I have no doubt that at times she felt coerced by people who felt they knew what would be best for her and her children, but ultimately the decision was hers and she made the decision to allow another person to be her children’s mother. She and the children’s birth fathers “’chose’ by her (their) own free will to lose her (their) child.”

    What is your stance about children who are in abusive situations? Is it okay to sit back and allow them to stay with their “mothers?”

    I am not discounting your anger or your stance on the situation, I just don’t believe it is fair to lump all adoptive mothers as uncaring people who are trying to steal other women’s children because in SOME cases that is the best place for them to be.

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  38. Camille wrote, "what is your stance about children who are in abusive situations? Is it okay to sit back and allow them to stay with their “mothers?”

    Unfortunately, us "birth" mothers hear this statement EVERY SINGLE DAY, along with "thanks for not having an abortion." These statements imply that we were, or would have been, abusive mothers who didn't care at all about our babies. This is CONSTANTLY thrown at us in what I think is an obvious attempt to change the subject while denigrating natural mothers.

    The subject here is ADOPTION, not child abuse. No one who is critical of the way adoption is practiced has any desire to allow abused children to stay in dangerous homes. Most of us who comment here were simply young mothers who were crucified for the supposed crime of becoming pregnant before marriage. That is not child abuse and we are not would-be killers, thank you very much.

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  39. Maybe,

    I was not implying that birth mothers are "child abusers" or "would-be killers", far from it.

    I just wondered what your opinion is on children being adopted who are in abusive situations.

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  40. Camille, adoption and abuse are two different issues. Adoption serves adoptive parents, it is mean to create a legal fiction that the child is born to strangers. However, a child who is being abused needs a new home and permanent caregivers but adoption is highly unnecessary and it is tragic that it is the only option presented to people when many other options could be considered. It is not necessary to fabricate a new birth certificate and legally lie about who gave birth to a child, sealing up their original identities and parentage in a file they can never access again, in other to provide them with a new home. This is why adoption only benefits adoptive parents -- the elements that constitute adoption and differentiate it from permanent legal guardianship are exactly those elements that strip the child of his/her identity and rights.

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  41. Cedar,

    My five children are all adopted from the same birthmother. I have a copy of their original birth certificate and their “fabricated” one. I have never lied to my children about who their mother is they know her. They have access to their mother and other biologic aunts/uncles/grandparents via personal visits, telephone, mail, and e-mail. I don’t believe adoption only serves adoptive parents.

    I can understand that a young teenage mother should have other options such as keeping and raising her child, but in my experience, my children’s birth mother called me and asked me to take her children. What other option did she have? No one in her family was willing to take them and care for them. I can see your point in the instance you stated (i.e. young mothers being coerced to give up their children to adoptive parents), but that is not the case in all adoptions.

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  42. "I was not implying that birth mothers are "child abusers" or "would-be killers", far from it."

    I don't buy that one bit...sure you were.

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  43. "I just wondered what your opinion is on children being adopted who are in abusive situations."

    Camille, this is called a derailment tactic. The discussion is not about whether to leave abused children in the home of their abusers. It is about whether or not a biological mother should keep her biologically-related child.

    Maybe you should read this:

    http://sisterheping.wordpress.com/2010/05/04/why-assume-the-worst/

    Okay. Children who are being abused should not remain with abusive bio parents. Done answering that. It's obvious NO that children should never remain with abusers even if those are their own biological kin.

    Now, back to the main issue at hand about the separation of bio mother and child. There is no reason to avoid talking about this issue.

    If the mother wants the adoptive mom to parent, is it not at ALL possible for the adoptive mom to FIND OUT why the bio mom feels she cannot parent, and perhaps encourage her to do so if there are resources and/or assistance?

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  44. "What other option did she have? No one in her family was willing to take them and care for them."

    There you go. She had no assistance. What was the "choice" in adoption? Giving up her children because there was NO OTHER WAY OUT.

    Now - if she absolutely did NOT love them or want to see them or care for them in any way, shape or form, that would be different story.

    But she felt desperate, she had no assistance, so she turned to adoption.

    Unless she truly DID NOT WANT her child, that was a last resort for her to take. Not a real choice.

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  45. So let me get this straight. The adoption agency approached you? You didn't approach them? If you approached them initially then get over yourself. Seriously. You can't blame others for YOUR choices. Your pregnancy may have been unplanned but you CHOSE to have sex. No one took your baby away. YOU GAVE IT AWAY. YOU signed the paperwork. YOU chose the couple. YOU agreed. Be angry at yourself for not being able to handle YOUR choice.

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  46. Poll

    I think Moe is:
    (1) an adopter
    (2) a natural mother-hater
    (3) a douche bag
    (4) all of the above

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  47. Moe: Clearly you don't understand societal pressure.

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  48. Is MOE a "birthmother" hating adoptee, or a selfish, self-entitled adopter? hmmmmmmmmmmm...

    No, MOE, the adoption agencies don't always approach us, but if we are naieve and vulnerable to approach them, they will have at their disposal biased social workers ready to convince you that the adopters who are married and much older can offer your baby so much more (B.S), among many other coercive tactics that are tried and true. They have at their disposal adopters who are willing to pay any price for an INFANT, therefore all of the above parties will pull out all stops to ensure the permanent seperation of a mother and her child.

    How about you LIARS who promise someone an OPEN adoption,(to ensure that she will not change her mind and keep her child) GET OVER YOURSELVES. Seriously. You are just as much to blame as trusting, vulnerable young woman. SERIOUSLY. You standing there, foaming at the mouth, with your wallets open for someone else's baby is just as much to blame as her being scared and unsure of what to do.

    You cold hearted, hateful adopters who come to these blogs and say such things are probably the same people who told her what a "wonderful person" she was when you got what YOU wanted from her. Now, show your true colors.

    YOU chose to adopt and lie and decieve, so you can gain at the expense and suffering of another. YOU chose to ignore the agreements you have set with the natural mothers and deliberatly keep a mother from her child, so you can live in fantasyland adoption world, as if she does not exist.

    Give yourself a hand. Give yourself a pat on the back; for you are so worthy and deserving to that of which does not belong to you, someone else's child.

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  49. Ah Moe, all I have to say to you is that I am so very thankful I chose to have sex because the alternative to that is a horror I can not imagine (and yet one I know so many women have suffered and some have even then had to face the loss of their child to adoption after such horror.) And I'm going to guess you have also chosen to have sex in your past. So I guess that makes us equal. Can you imagine that - you equal to one of us lowly, poor, good-for-nothing beemommies!

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