Thursday, March 18, 2010

God, Hate and Adoption

**I’m really curious about why you hate everything about adoption and all adoptive parents. You are so full of bitterness and anger that I feel really sorry for your family and what they must have to put up with from you carrying all that around.

God talks about Satan and his works and I can see that at play on your blog where you continually demolish the very act God himself has called Christians to do and criticize those who have been brave enough to take on this challenge and adopted children under his gracious and wise direction.

I can’t imagine the horror my children would have spent their lives with had we not adopted them. None of them had birthmothers financially or emotionally capable of offering them anything good and I believe it was God’s doing when he made it impossible for me to birth a child of my own. He knew my husband and I were meant for greater things.

I encourage you to find direction in your life and to find your way back to God and his teachings. Your salvation will not be found in your hatred of his words and his desire for us to call forth our greatest sacrifices and serve him in his Glory.

--KateeB—**

Dear KateeB,

Because my mother taught me manners, I will take the time to first thank you for your email. But I do believe, that will be the ONLY thing I have to thank you for.

Hate is a strong word isn’t it? It can instantly rile somebody up, put them on the defensive. And yet, you are right, I do hate many things about adoption. Many, many things. I hate that society discredits the bond between mother and child. I hate that adoption is no longer about children in need of families, and is centered on couples in need of children. I hate that over and over again, in our great country, where we should be providing the best care and support for family preservation, we instead give absolutely no value to such a virtue and instead believe the answer is to treat children as merchandise and hand them off to whoever we deem is worthy of being a parent.

I hate that through coercion and manipulation adoption has grown into what is now being projected as a five billion dollar industry. I hate that so many can’t see the horror of this, can’t understand how wrong it is to use mothers and their children to continue to fuel the profits of the most greedy.

I hate that so many are okay with causing so much harm to others simply to satisfy the needs of those viewed as “more deserving.

But I don’t hate ALL adoptive parents. In fact, there are many that I carry a great respect for and like very much. I encourage you to check out my blog list and follow the links to these wonderful women, to come to know them as I have and hear what they have to say.

There are others, though, that I DO dislike and have absolutely no respect for. Adoptive parents who hold the same “self-righteous” beliefs it appears you carry. For them, no, I do not carry any kind of warm and fuzzy feelings. And I will not apologize for that.

When you come across a hopeful adoptive mother who believes God killed another woman so she could adopt her child. When you read about adoptive parents who crush a gift given to their child from the only family he had ever known up until his adoption. When you hear, over and over again, adoptive parents dismissing anything an adoptee might have to say if it doesn’t fall in line with their expectation of complete and total loyalty and gratitude . . . it becomes very easy to form a dislike for such people and to see that they care only about themselves and their own desires and don’t care who they may harm in the process, including their own children.

Don’t pretend to be so righteous in supposively saving a child if you have adopted for your own needs. Don’t discount those who speak a different truth as being bitter and angry simply so you can keep your own fantasy world going, full of rainbows and sunshine.

And don’t expect me to hail anyone as great heroes who believe that they served some great purpose in life because they adopted and should carry a savior medal for doing so.

Oh, and as for my family, I guarantee you, the last thing they would want from you would be any kind of worry or sympathy. Since you don’t know me personally and have no clue of my life outside this blog, you have no insight to the laughter my family and I share. You’ve never seen the pictures of my children smiling and joking around with one another. Never had any such insight to our family dynamics and the happiness we share with each other.

A happiness that comes, by the way, not with the belief that everything has to be “happy” and “perfect.” Or that anyone should have to live their life grateful for the love they receive or expected to earn that love.

Nope, sorry, for myself and my family, our happiness comes in being allowed to be who we are. In having the freedom to feel what we do without worry of being judged or discredited for such feelings.

And as for Satan being at play in my blog . . . well, you just run with that one. Let me know how it works out for you. Considering my own Pastor has read my blog and has never even hinted at such a ridiculous belief, I don’t think I have any worry in that area and will just leave you to believe whatever you will on that end.

I don’t need you worrying about my salvation or about my relationship with God, either. I’m perfectly fine there, thank you.

Perhaps it is easier for you to believe that God “called” you to adopt. That in His wisdom He caused such terrible heartache for another so that your own needs could be satisfied. But that is not the God I know and believe in and I will never EVER allow anyone to lead me to believe otherwise.

To do so would mean believing that somehow, even in God’s love, you are more worthy than another. That there must be something special about you that God had no problem taking from another to please your own desires.

I won’t, and never will, believe such a thing. And you will never have the power to taint my belief in God with your belief that He would ever act in such a way for your own benefit. If I were to follow that path, I would quickly find myself running and screaming the other way and questioning everything about my faith in Him and His teachings.

And, unless you own a crystal ball, you will never know if you “saved” your children from any horror. Being rich or poor does not determine the ability of a parent. And who knows what exactly you view as being emotionally” unable to care for a child. Especially if you are walking around believing God holds you in such high regard that He would harm another to please you.

To me, that doesn’t sound too emotionally secure either.

I hope, beyond any of this, you are not denying your children to accept all parts of who they are, with their adoptive and first families. I hope, that what I view as being very narrow minded is only an opinion I have formed from your email and not a reality that might affect your children as they grow and search for their identity.

Your children do not, and never will, deserve to hear how you “saved” them from “horror.” They need to be allowed to love and accept all parts of who they are, including their first family. You owe them that. As a mother.

For all that you have said to me in your email, I realize that I have no other way of knowing you or who you truly are as a mother and a person. I can only hope that, just like with me, the life you live in the real world is not one limited to the beliefs you shared in your email and that you are constantly doing all you can, all that is within your power, to provide everything your children deserve, including giving them the freedom to know all parts of who they are without the fear of upsetting you or losing your love.

Because, as their mother, that is what you know they deserve, no matter how they became a part of your family.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Is There Choice?

Cedar, over at Adoption Critique, has a post up about coercion and adoption and one of the things that struck me most was this quote . . .

--“Coercion” describes any practice designed to remove a mother’s freedom of choice by the use of influence, persuasion, fraud, or duress. A coerced “choice’ is not a “choice” at all.—

See, I believe MANY First Moms and Adoptive Moms, want to . . . need to . . . believe that there is choice in the world of Domestic Adoption. Not only, because it is much easier to accept and hold on to, but because it is also carefully woven into our society through the Adoption Industry itself. A careful calculation of using our media and current culture to feed into our belief system that adoption is the perfect answer for unplanned pregnancy.

Almost a year ago, I wrote a post, , Birthmother, Good Mother about the publication the Adoption Industry uses to teach others how to “convince” a pregnant mom that adoption is the “loving” option. Ultimately, their goal was to learn, through in-depth research, how best to ensure that more women “choose” adoption for their unborn babies. It was a study on the right things to say to a confused, frightened pregnant mom facing an unplanned pregnancy so that she might actually consider giving up her baby and walking away believing it was her “choice” to do so.

In their own words they clearly state . . .

--This interviewing methodology brings awareness of the motivations and perceptions that affect the decisions that people make and enhances understanding of how emotional needs guide behavior.—

In other words, they studied and learned the right things to say, the best tactics to use, in order to “guide behavior” in the way most beneficial to them. And then they collected these studies and presented them to those working personally with women facing unplanned pregnancies in the hopes of arming them with the best weapons available to ensure the encouragement of more babies given up for adoption.

And how does this translate to what is being fed into our society and said to women facing unplanned pregnancies?

Well, for the first it’s clear, as there really is no question how the majority of society views adoption. And when you read this from their own words . . .

--Deliver the message . . . choosing adoption is what it means to be a good mother. Use the media and public relations to help potential birthmothers understand adoption in advance of unplanned pregnancy.—

. . . It’s not hard to see why so many pregnant women are so quick to believe adoption is the right answer since the industry very carefully “uses” the media and public to ensure this very thought exists in women long before they even may become pregnant.

So they already have their hand in the pot before a women may ever face an unexpected pregnancy. They are already playing the coercion game long before anyone recognizes it.

But what about when a woman then does find herself in an unplanned pregnancy? Do their suggestions in Birthmother, Good Mother, carry over into the real life situations she faces?

For that answer, really, all you have to do is talk to First Mom’s who have lost their children, listen to what they were told and travel the internet, read what so many adoption agencies say on their pages in their “claims” to help a woman decide what is best for her and her baby.

Nine times out of ten, you will find yourself hearing an eerily similar script repeated over and over again, matching that which came from their research on how best to convince a mom to give up her baby.

But if you really want to break it down, there is a book out there, So I Was Thinking About Adoption, that is targeted for pregnant women facing unplanned pregnancies. The author, Mardie Caldwell, is touted as being a “nationally recognized authority on adoption.” She also founded Liftetime Adoption Center in 1986 and serves as their CFO.

And so does, she, this “authority” on adoption take the time to get to know each woman’s personal situation? Does she take the time to offer them EVERY option available to them and counsel them each individually by their own circumstances?

No. Of course not. She follows the same script to ensure more babies are given up for adoption.

In Birthmother, Good Mother, it is suggested that one way to ensure a mother will give up her baby is to . . .

—Help potential birthmothers see that choosing adoption can be what it means to be the best mother possible, for them, given their circumstances. Encourage them to consider their babies needs and their own desire to do what is best for their babies.--

And how does Mardie Caldwell, our authority and author of the book do this . . .

--Babies are hard work. You’ve got to feed, change, bathe, amuse, protect and clean up after them . . . your baby needs time and attention twenty-four hours a day. But what if you are not ready to give up your life?—

And if that doesn’t work, she continues on, asking what kind of parent the woman would be . . .

--Is the father of your baby likely to help you money-wise and emotionally? If not, will you be able to cope by yourself?

--Do you have school or work that will take up a lot of your time?—

--Can you give your child the kind of life he or she deserves? The kind of life you want for them?

--Are you truly ready to give up your life to become mom to your baby?

And if all that fails, she encourages the “list.” The one so many of us First Mom’s were told to make to show just how little we have to give our child and how much more another, more deserving, couple can offer. Even in her own book she shows an example of such list. On one side is what the mother can offer and the only thing that is listed is love. But on the other side, on what the adoptive parents can offer it goes on and on and if you could see it, imagine two pages, one close to empty from what a mother could offer her child and the other full to the bottom of what adoptive parents could offer.

Birthmother, Good mother also suggests . . .

--Make sure the potential birthmothers understand the extensive screening procedures that are followed in selecting adoptive parents so they will believe that their babies will be cared for.—

And Mardie Caldwell, in her book, promises just that . . .

--Your adoption professional will screen and pre-qualify all the adoptive families that are working with them . . . you can be assured that your baby will be raised within a loving and safe family environment.—

It is almost a word for word translation. The research shared in Birthmother, Good Mother, repeated over and over again in this book, claiming to help a woman consider her choices and come to the best decision. Except where is that decision if every word is already carefully scripted to ensure she will give up her child.

Birthmother, Good Mother tells adoption professionals to . . .

--Encourage birthmothers to write their own stories. These stories can be placed with adoptive parents and/or agencies to be given to their babies later in life.—

And the book, So I Was Thinking About Adoption, does just that . . .

--You may wish to write a letter or send photos to your child or children, letting them know how you made this decision out of your love for them . . . this letter can be given to your child when he or she is old enough to understand.—

Do you see the connection? Do you see that choice cannot be a part of it when First Mom’s are told whatever it takes to ensure they give up their baby. When those who claim to care for them and only want to help them are telling them EXACTLY what the research states will have the best results?

Where is the choice in that? Where is the individual circumstances, taking into consideration one’s situation over another?

There is none. When you repeat, over and over again, what you have learned is the best way to convince a woman to give up her child, you are, without question, using coercion and manipulation in your attempt to get her baby.

There is no other way around that fact.

When research tells you . . .

--When birthmothers realize that they can influence the selection of the adoptive parents, they are much more open to adoption.—

And an adoption professional turns around and tells a frightened confused pregnant woman . . .

--You can be actively involved in the adoption of your child.

--You can choose the adoptive parents and meet them in person.

--You and the adoptive family will continue to build your relationship throughout your pregnancy. It is a good time to learn about each other and share with each other.

It is clearly not about caring about the woman on an individual basis. But instead about telling her the “right” things that you have been reassured work best in leading her in the direction of giving up her baby.

And worst of all, since the research contained in Birthmother, Good Mother encourages continuing to use First Mom’s to encourage even more adoptions . . .

--Include birthmothers in messaging by having them speak directly to pregnant women considering adoption –

And So I Was Thinking About Adoption is full, from cover to cover, with messages from other First Moms such as . . .

--Now I can go on and make a better life for myself. It was a tough choice, but I know I did the right thing.—

They are no longer only satisfied in getting babies from frightened and confused mothers facing unplanned pregnancies. Now they have found a way to continue using them afterwards, realizing, in their research, that they can prove effective in helping to convince even more women to give up their babies.

We, as a society, want to believe there is choice in adoption. I understand that, really I do.

But what I don’t understand is how we can believe that choice really exists. Not when it is very clearly stated that the industry wants women, before even facing an unplanned pregnancy, to believe adoption is the answer.

Not when they have studied, researched and learned just what “works” to convince a woman to give up her baby and professionals use this as their way to “help” pregnant mothers. They take what is suggested, twist it and shape it until it truly does appear that they care only about the pregnant mom and what is best for her and her child, never once sharing the fact that what they are saying, suggesting, and offering comes directly from carefully organized research that has proven to get more women to give up their babies.

Cedar says, in her post, that coercion describes any practice designed to remove a mother’s freedom of choice by the use of influence, persuasion, fraud, or duress and that is exactly what happens over and over again, to the majority of every first mom who has given up, or will give up, her child.

They are using influence and persuasion in the most blatant of forms. From using the media and public to alter our thoughts and beliefs from the beginning to using the research given to them to convince a mother that not only is adoption the “loving” option, but that it is completely her choice, when that is so far from the truth.

Choice involves no undue influence from anyone. Choice involves honesty and respect, not dollars spent on research to ensure someone does as another desires.

In adoption, choice is removed long before a women ever becomes pregnant. Choice becomes nothing in the name of research and studies.

Yes, it might be easier to believe it exists. But, the fact is, if you take the time and truly look at all the factors weighing against a woman from before she ever gets pregnant to the point where she gives up her child, it is clear that choice doesn’t, and never has been, a part of adoption.