Tuesday, January 26, 2010

All You Need Is Love

If I loved my child any less, I'd still have him with me.”

I stumbled across this gem in the comments section of another First Mom’s blog. It was offered up by an adoptive father who claimed it was . . . “the best quote I've ever heard.”

And there was that part of me that instantly thought . . . “Of course it is. How could it not be?”

Because this justifies, explains, and clears up any and all misconceptions about adoption. First Moms give up their babies because if they “didn’t love them enough” they’d keep them , raise them, build futures for them and become the very mother they know in their heart their child deserves.

But, that’s not what it is about, is it? It’s about all those poorly, lacking pregnant moms realizing that the only way they can prove how much they love their son or daughter – their own flesh and blood - is to give them up, give them away, to someone else more worthy then they could ever hope to be.

And then they can say they loved their baby. Because it simply isn’t allowed, in today’s world, to say I loved my baby so much that I kept him and worked hard to provide him with everything I could because that is what a mother does. Because that is the basis of parenting.

Nope – we moms who – shock, shame, aghast – did not carefully plan, research and structure the very moment our child would bless us with their appearance in our lives, are not allowed to believe, to think, for even a fraction of a second, that loving our child means keeping and providing for our child.

It’s simply not understandable, or acceptable, in today’s world. Because if we didn’t build a career, plan a future, walk into a perfect marriage with the perfect man/father, than our only true way to show our love to our child is to realize that we have to love them enough to give them away – give them up – to that other woman who is better than us, richer than us, more stable than us.

Because that is what love is.

That is what proves just what a great mom you are – by giving up your child to the more deserving woman. To the one who not only “deserves” to be a mom but has taken so much time and consideration and thought into the very process of what is best for your own child that if you dare not to give your child away to her then you obviously never loved him or her enough.

And you know, for those who are okay with giving away their child, who truly believe that it was love that made them realize that they were not good enough for their own son or daughter, they believe such comments as the one the adoptive dad shared. They believe that keeping their child would have been the selfish, uncaring, far from loving, choice.

And . . . really . . . how could it not be?

I mean, really – how many in today’s world are going to believe that a mom loves her child by keeping him or her instead of giving him or her away to another.

Cause that isn’t love . . . is it?

Love is giving up your baby. Love is realizing that the only way you will ever be able to offer anything of value to any child of yours is to accept the fact that you will NEVER be able to offer such a thing if you happen to become pregnant BEFORE college, career and marriage.

Love is giving away your child long before keeping him or her and providing them, yourself, the life you believe they deserve.

And yet . . .

Yet . . .

Ironically, where it is so hugely believed and accepted that a First Mom’s love means giving away their child and realizing just how desperately you are bound to screw up your son or daughter by keeping them, for certain adoptive parents, like the one I quoted to start this post, love becomes, and means, much more, once the adoption has come to reality.

Suddenly it takes on so much more power, means more, once an adoptive parent is involved.

Because as we First Mom’s are led to believe “Love” means giving up and understanding that it is never enough when it comes to raising our sons or daughters, it’s a different law for the “perfect” couples who become the parents to our children . . . as this same adoptive dad states . . .

The real variable is love and consistent care - NOT biology.”

Because love in adoption does conquer all, does save every child from any hardships or heartache, as long as it is offered by the adoptive parents.

For us First Moms . . .

Well we are just screwed.

Because if we were to ever have mentioned that love conquers all while we were pregnant with our children we would have been scoffed at, ridiculed, and reminded, over and over again, just how selfish we were, and what terrible parents we were bound to become, by carrying such thoughts.

I mean, after all, we had biology playing against us from the very start - you know that pesky little thing that just doesn’t matter. And so, automatically, that meant that we had to realize more, accept harder, the fact that our love for our child meant giving them up if we could not offer a two parent household with lots of toys and fancy vacations and college funds.

If we could not give them the fairy tale then we had to give them up because not doing so meant we loved them less.

But how about that adoptive dad that loves the quote about a First Mom giving up her child because of how much she “supposively” loves him.

What about his situation and his expectation of love?

Will he face a society that expects him to give up his child if, down the road, he is no longer able to provide that “perfect” life. Will the masses let him know that he doesn’t truly love his child and isn’t willing to give the ultimate sacrifice if he faces divorce or job loss or financial struggles?

Will he ever be able to step back and repeat what I quoted him if he faces a different life than what he knows. Will he believe such a thing is “great” if he is faced with giving up his two little girls who have blessed his life through adoption? Will he ever say that if he loved them less he would have kept them?

Nah . . .

Cause it’s different . . .

Isn’t it?

F0r some adoptive parents who are so grateful to us First Mom’s for loving our children enough to give them up but can’t imagine ever doing the same.

Why should they?

I mean, after all, their love, their lives, their circumstances are so much different and better than us lowly First Moms.

All they need is love. Love is all they need.

And to think that they would ever do such a thing to their children after they have bonded with them, know them as their mother and/or father . . . .

Well you would just have to be crazy because it would NEVER happen because they love their children and they would never give them away and cause such great risks of harming them.

Because, obviously, their love means more. Because they can love their children enough to make sure that they never suffer or feel harm.

All while hailing First Mom’s for loving their children enough to give them up.

Yep. That’s the way of adoption, isn’t it?

Mom’s who don’t fit our societal view of wealth and opportunity are told that love isn’t enough to keep and raise their children while the “hoping to be” moms who are acceptable by their financial, education and maritial status are encouraged to realize that love will be the “solve” all to give to their adopted child, because that is all he or she really needs.

Don’t worry that your adopted children might feel loss from adoption. Don’t concern yourself that they might miss their First Parents or have times when they want to be with them and wish they had never been separated from them. Because love will conquer all and will guarantee that you and your child will never have to suffer separation.

And if you hit hard times, if your life changes from what it was when you first adopted, just love your child because that will be enough to get him or her through.

But, of course, if you are a pregnant mom or First Mom without a job or stable marriage, if you can’t hope to offer your child the “best” material things at the very moment of birth, than your love means understanding and recognizing that you must give your child up because you aren’t good enough, worthy enough, or capable enough, even with the love you have for your child, to offer him or her what they deserve.

And don’t you dare question later in life if the adoptive parents will then turn around and give up their child to you if you have reached a better place that makes you the one more capable to offer that “perfect” life. Because those kind of thoughts are ridiculous and hold absolutely no merit.

Because all a child needs is love . . . as long as it comes in the way we, as a society, believe it is meant to be.

And for us First Moms, we aren’t, and never have been, or will be, part of that equation.


  1. Hi Cassi,

    I had to laugh when I saw the first two lines of this post! I too was also going to blog about this comment (and a few more things this adopter had to say) but I can't right now as I am off to work.

    I haven't had the time to read your whole post just yet sorry but I will when I get home.

    Tis quote infuriates me because it negates the love and care of all other parents who birth and raise their children as they should. It negates Nature herself and the way families are supposed to come into being.

    Well, I better run and will be back after work.

    Myst xxx

  2. Cassi,

    Exactly. Perfectly. Without flaw in logic. Without emotional negation.

  3. I've heard such drivel come from First Moms before who have just gone through with the adoption. You know, those poor souls who have been duped and brain washed by the adoption agencies. I mean, doesn't it sound like an adoption agency piece of crap?

    I think they feed them these lines and they cling to them like a mantra, and they quote this garbage to keep themselves from falling apart. Well, it doesn't work, and eventually they WILL fall apart. They may be able to hide it on the outside, but they can't hide it from themselves. They will soon learn what a pack of lies they were fed.

    These are the kinds of things that really get me riled up. And adoption agencies are careful to record video clips of these poor girls who are still in the brainwashed faze, so they can have "proof" that adoption is the most wonderful, loving option. Because, see? It's coming straight from the first moms mouth.

  4. ...

    Your post has rendered me speechless. If I were to paraphrase every single thing that resounded through my mind and heart after everything I have seen and heard on the blogopshere... I may as well just paste the whole darn thing.

    "Don’t worry that your adopted children might feel loss from adoption. Don’t concern yourself that they might miss their First Parents or have times when they want to be with them and wish they had never been separated from them. Because love will conquer all and will guarantee that you and your child will never have to suffer separation."

    This is a beautiful paragraph.

  5. Great post. I did a sort of spin off, and I linked this post of yours. If you would like me to remove it, I'll be glad to. But I wanted people to pop over and read what you had to say. :)

  6. Myst, it's funny because this post did start out with the intent to address other things the adoptive father had to say but I quickly learned I had a wealth of things to say on the "love" part and quickly realized addressing the rest of his comment would have to come at a later date.

    Loved your post too!

  7. Lori - Thank you. Coming from you, it means a lot.

    Lynn - I think you are right about First Moms holding on to this mantra in more desperation than anything else.

    Or, atleast I know, I did for a very long time. I repeated it like a broken record during my years of denial. I gave up my child because I loved him.

    The thing is, like you pointed out, this only works for so long. At some point the truth hits you hard and you realize just exactly all you lost, your child lost and the disgust of the practice that caused the separation and you realize that you were nothing more than another pawn in their desire for more babies. That you were just another number who they did all they could to convince that the only way you could love your child was to give him up.

    If only those women considering adoption coudl realize that the "love" speech they are given isn't something "special" to their situation. It's a line, a marketing ploy, they use on all pregnant moms in their hopes of convincing them to give up their babies.

  8. Mei-Ling,

    Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!


    As your blog is one of my favorites, I am honored to be linked. I plan on venturing your way tonight to read.

  9. Hey Cassi :)

    I know how you feel... there are several things I am incensed by in that comment and I had planned to bring these points up but I couldn't get past the whole love thing.

    This was well written Cassi... fabulous post. Thanks for bringing up so many valid points :)

    Myst xxx

  10. Cassi- Moved by this one. Praying that your last line is proved wrong. Praying for a change in that equation.

  11. So am I Diane.

    I would love nothing more than to be proved wrong on that one!!!

  12. I've decided to go by the old mantra "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em."

    By this I mean I'm going to use the "love" card anytime someone tells me I don't have a right to reunite / my son already has a family / I gave him up so I should bugger-off / blah, blah, blah. My new response to any of this crap will be to don my beemommy halo and remind people how loving, perfect, and saintly I am, and because of my extraordinary love for my child I have EVERY RIGHT to be part of his life.

    I'm also going to do this if I hear in casual conversations anything adoption related; I'll be sure to say, "wow, that mother was so loving, I'm sure you can't wait to meet her and welcome her into your life!" (Of course this applies mostly to APs but also to anyone who is spewing any negativity about mothers).

    Should make for interesting converstions, don't you think?

  13. Cassi,
    Can you email me...I can't find an email addy for you here...my girls and I would like to ask you something ;)
    orwaves @ aol .com (remove spaces)

  14. “If I loved my child any less, I'd still have him with me.”

    Okay, so the people who adopt our children obviously don't love them enough to give them up. Why are they being so selfish as to deny our child to the next couple up the pecking order, maybe someone who makes an extra $10K per year or has a bigger swimming pool?

    If the test of whether you love anything is whether you can give it away, well, i have a mother I can pawn off on someone. :) Anyone for a slightly-used 91 year old? Let's say -- $30,000? That's what human flesh is selling for these days on the open (adoption) market.