Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Is Silence Golden?

It’s been over nine months since this happened – Closing The Door.

Nine months of silence from my oldest son’s adoptive mom.

After that last night of horror, she just disappeared. There were no more phone calls. No further contact. Not a single hint that she was still around.

Only silence.

Silence in which I have gone from worry, to anger, to hope and back again to worry, starting the process all over again.

It’s hard to even explain what it was like. In those first few months after the last call. I sat on pins and needles, afraid of the next one to come. Dreading the time when his adoptive mother’s number would pop up on caller I.D. Bracing myself for whatever lay ahead next for my son to have to face.

And then, as the months passed and we heard nothing, there was a shameful part of me that was so grateful for the silence, thankful we had some peace. It was like the break we needed. The chance to take a deep breath, settle down into a normal sense of life and not have to fear every phone call might bring about another round of my son having to face yet another onslaught of attacks and abuse.

But even then, it was impossible to feel completely settled to put it out of my mind for long. Because DAMNIT, she’s his mom too. He’s her son too. And that should mean something. Shouldn’t it?

And how does anyone find some balance between that need to protect your child, to want them safe from such cold attacks while knowing this is your child’s mother, adopted or not. She is a part of him. A part of who he is. A part that just went away. That was no longer there. Another abandonment for a young man who never should have faced such a thing.

It’s that weird mix of being thankful she’s not hurting him while fearing he is being hurt. It’s trying to find that balance of protecting my child while feeling helpless to protect him from her silence, her disappearance from his life.

And how does anyone ever find an answer to that? How can you ever know if you are helping or harming your child?

I look at my son and feel that love I have for him. That unexplainable “mother” emotion that swells for my children and I wonder how it is she could ever go almost an entire year having no idea what is happening to him. How he is. Cursing her for not being there for him, while thankful she hasn’t had a chance to abuse him further.

And how in the hell does anyone put that into anything that makes sense in their mind? How do you fear contact while hoping for it?

It makes no sense. Not in my mind.

And yet that has been where I have wavered for the past nine months while hoping, with everything I have, that maybe, just maybe, this long stretch is because she finally got help. That she finally realized that the best thing for her son . . . our son . . . was to give him a healthy relationship with both his mothers. A mix of both families who love and care for him and want whatever it is that is best for him.

Maybe . . . just maybe . . . she took this time to fight her addiction. To learn how her abuse when under the influence of alcohol affected her son, hurt him in the worst of ways. Maybe, the possibility of losing him pushed her to do whatever it took to keep him in her life because he’s worth it. Because he’s her son.

And now I sit on that edge of finding that out. Of again hoping that “this time” it will be different. That “this time” she will be the mom my son deserves and won’t attack or abuse him but will let him know just how much he means to her and how desperately she wants him in her life.

Because she called. This morning on my son’s cell phone. He didn’t answer so she left a message.

And so he came to me this morning, telling me he wanted me to hear something but that I had to promise not to worry about him. And I promised (with my fingers crossed behind my back.)

I knew then, as he held his cell phone out, pushed the buttons, that his adoptive mom had called so I wasn’t surprised when I heard her voice. But I was worried and hopeful and wondering and praying that this time was different. And, yes, even in that small part of my mind, there was a part of me thankful that, since the call had come in before nine in the morning, that she was, more likely than not, sober.

She told him she had been thinking of him. That she missed him. She asked him to call her and said that if she didn’t hear from him, she hopes he has a great Thanksgiving, Christmas and Birthday (he turns twenty-two at the end of December.)

Hearing that, part of me hurt for her because I have been there with my . . . our . . . son. Missing him. Thinking of him. I know the feelings of not knowing what they are doing. Of wondering how they are. If they are okay.

But I didn’t have a choice. I didn’t have a way to contact him. To talk to him. She did.

With that aside, though, I find myself now praying for the best, while fearing the worst.

As of this morning, my oldest son didn’t know if he was going to call her back or not. But to see the truth of why, is so hard to deal with. His response wasn’t one of not wanting her in his life or no longer caring about her as his mom. It was one of fear. Fear that she would attack him again. Fear that reaching out to her would start another round of abuse like the one I wrote about in February.

So I sit here now wondering, worrying, hoping and praying. I don’t know what to expect. I don’t know what the outcome will be. I fear my son will call her and she will go after him again, hurt him like she has done so many times in the past.

But I also hope and pray that maybe it will be different this time (the same hopes and prayers I have had for so long.) But, maybe, this time, she has come to that point where she has realized just what he means to her and is ready to build a relationship with him that allows him to have all his family included.

Maybe now we can be what it is our son needs from us. We can come together and give our strength, our support to him so that he can face a future with a good relationship with both his moms.

I hope for the latter. I hope, with all my heart, that if he calls her back, she will be different. She will have changed. And my son will have all that he deserves.

But I fear the opposite of that. I fear he will face more hurt, more pain.

I fear he will again be left with facing a division in his life when what he deserves, what he should have, is a unity between all who love him. Between everyone who he loves and needs in his life.

18 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  2. Wow. Just wow. I am SO happy that you and your son have each other. I have no idea what to say about this woman, but that I think you are right to do whatever you can to protect your son.

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  3. Really u do no outside of your cronies here on ur blog u wouldn't have many who felt any sympathy 4 this. I read this and the other one u sent us to and even went into some of ur other stories and its not so hard 2 see why ur sons mom is upset and once did and is now again calling upset with the situation.
    I'd b upset 2 if my son dumped me for his birthmother. I am his mother I am the 1 who took care of him who loved him and gave him my care and devotion and I would not b happy at all if he dumped all of that to suddenly decide he wanted to b with his birth mother. She wasnt the 1 who was there 4 him when that was me and that was the mom of this son u r talking about also.
    The two answers before mine talk about u protecting him and I suggest if that is what u want to do then u should protect him by letting him go back to his mom where he belongs. If u do that I bet this would end and u wouldn't have to worry anymore about her being upset when she calls u.
    Let him go back 2 the mom who actually cared enough to be there for him and take care of him when you wouldnt do it and end this thing u r putting him thru with is real mother.
    That is what I think would b best for him and would b the end to what is going on.

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  4. Anon, 7:57,

    You are a really horrible person. You spend a great deal of time and energy putting down the women that have put so much into loving their children.

    You want think you are the "mom" and the "only mom" but you are sick. You would not be your son's mother if his real mother had not had to make a very hard choice.

    How sad you hate so much that you hunt down real mother's blogs and spew so much hate.

    I will light a candle for you that you one day learn that you are only blessed because of the woman that you obviously hate.

    I pity you. You are a sad, bitter person.

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  5. Anon,

    It is people like YOU that cause generalisations be made about adopters... and then prove them to be true. You are a sad sick person and I pity your sad, deluded life. For crying out loud, I have no idea how you were approved as an adopter, you cannot even spell properly and need to use numbers.

    YOU are just a caregiver. Couldn't give birth so we had to take another woman's baby did we? Failure. You will never be a mother. You have no concept of the idea. I pray your adopted child drops you like a hot potato whne they see how nasty you are.

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  6. Just adding onto my previous comment to anon...

    Child abusers are not mothers and this woman who was meant to be some sort of mother and she failed miserably. If you think it is okay to send a person back to the one who abused them then you are very sick and I would say please check yourself into your closest mental hospital so they can assess and help you rehabilitate so you are fit to live with other humans.

    And just so you know, legally now Cassi is her son's mother and this other woman is nothing... not even his adopter. So why would she need to send him back to an abusive woman who is nobody??

    Please get yourself some help. You are in dire need of it!

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  7. "I am the 1 who took care of him who loved him and gave him my care and devotion "

    Isn't that what ANY parent is supposed to do?

    Please don't act like you are superior because you did those things - ANY mother is supposed to do those things.

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  8. "Let him go back 2 the mom who actually cared enough to be there for him"

    Yeah, send him back to his alcoholic, abusive adoptive mother. Brilliant idea. If anyone suggested a child be returned to this type of bio-mother, everyone would scream about how damaging her actions are and that her parental rights should be terminated. Double standard here? (BTW anon, he's an adult).

    Cassi, you have a big heart and it's touching that your care about your son's relationship with his other mother. I just hope she is able to beat her addiction and heal the relationships that have been damaged over the years.

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  9. I often wonder if my daughter would allow me to adopt her back....sounds weird, but I really wonder.

    We are in such a fragile stage, her fear and the lies all bubbling up to the top like dirt off dishes, it makes it hard for me to even consider asking.

    As for Anon - I think this is the same person that has been stalking other First Mother/Mom pages - LOL! She does not come to mine since I do not allow anonymous postings because of hate the mother stuff. I know it leaves a lot of others silent, though why, I am not sure. But that is the price I pay to have my life lived in the light - not in the shadows.

    Cassi, you think that she would be horrified at the idea? Me adopting her back?

    Sign me afraid

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  10. Hi Cassi,

    I just want you to know I support you in whatever you need to do for you and your son. I hope I didn't upset you with my earlier comment, child abuse always gets my blood boiling and I applaud how generous you are considering what she has done to him.

    I still believe your son needs protection from her and I don't feel she will ever really change but I understand the desire you have to want that.

    Am having some rough days and people like anon don't make it better and so I am sorry for lashing out here.

    Love,
    Myst xxx

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  11. Ah, Myst, you didn't upset or offend me at all. Not only do I appreciate your honesty but I understand and am in the same frame of mind, many times.

    I think, sometimes, if my son was still a child I would feel as if I had more say and more ability to protect him from her.

    But even then, even with my outrage and anger to her, I wonder, even if he was still a child would my feelings be different? Understanding now how much he has already suffered, it's hard to see him suffer her lack of care and love in her abuse and her disappearing from his life.

    And it kills me to know this is the woman I "picked" for my son's mother. And it's even worse to know that even with her abuse, my son still may face hurt if she leaves his life forever.

    I just don't know the answer here. I wish like hell I did. My first instinct is to destroy anyone who would ever treat my children in such a way. But, she is/was/might be again his mother and that changes so many things in my first reaction to destroy anyone who dares to treat my children wrong because to do such an act with her could very well be another terrible wrong for my son to suffer. And I just can't put him through any more of that.

    If only I knew what was right here. But I honestly have no clue.

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  12. SustainableFamilies and Maybe - Thank you for your kind words. They do help more than you will ever know.

    Lori - I don't know the answer about your daugther and adopting her back. But please don't let that discourage you.

    My best advice would be to encourage her to look into what the process is and what it means when you feel you are at a comfortable place in your relationship to do so. It might be just what she needs considering what she went through in her childhood. If you need anyone to talk to or some links that can help educate both you and her, please let me know. I have added my email to my profile, so feel free to contact me whenever you need.

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  13. ***Please don't act like you are superior because you did those things - ANY mother is supposed to do those things.***

    Perfectly said Mei-Ling. Bravo!

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  14. Anon - I have to wonder too if you aren't the same person who has gone after First mom blogs, including some of my former posts. You seem to only want to create argument and anger in what you have to say.

    And I have thought long and hard about how I wanted to respond to what you said and I have decided there is nothing I want, or need to say to you about my relationship with my son and his with his adoptive mother. This is one time where I simply don't care enough about what you had to say to give it any of my personal effort.

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  15. I Agree With Anon. You Are DelusionalNovember 22, 2009 at 8:21 PM

    Being adopted myself, I sought out and met my birth father, but NEVER would dump my adoptive family for them.

    This is just atrocious in my opinion and a testiment to why closed adoptions work for some.

    You and you alone have made me just choose the "closed" option on our current adoption.

    Crazies like you.

    This just makes me sick. Where in this world would this kind of behavior be acceptable?

    Just a grandious manipulation all around.

    No one in this situtation is a winner, just a bunch of loosers.

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  16. I Agree With Anon (sort of), you are delusional.November 22, 2009 at 8:26 PM

    ' My first instinct is to destroy anyone who would ever treat my children in such a way."


    Yes, because giving your child up in the first place is such a "champion" thing to do.

    Wow, do you want a gold star for that?

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  17. Um, you are delusional, yes... you are. The fact you condone child abuse makes you an ill person who should seek help.

    You are an adopter as well which makes me very concerned about the welfare of the child in your home.

    Your choice to close your current adoption was already made before this post, you are just searching for an excuse and a person to pin the blame on. Projecting your crap on another person to ease your conscience. Good luck with that.

    Sicko.

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  18. Seems these two have something in common.

    The adopter who did it "all" for the child they adopted, NOT really the adoption was for YOU first and foremost. The child you adopted is secondary and you know it.

    To the adopted person who wouldn't leave his adopted family for his first family.

    I don't think your true family would ask you to do that and I don't know them at all. Its only those who adopt have those ultimatums on their possession long after they become legal age.

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