Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Miracles and My Love

The picture is of my husband and I. As cliché as it sounds, he has been the love of my life for over twenty years. We’ve had each other to rely on, hold on to, during the many ups and downs we’ve faced over the years.

He is also the first/natural father of my oldest son and I had planned on writing a post for Father’s Day about how adoption has affected him too. Left him with his own struggles and pain through the years.

But then life threw me a curve ball I didn’t expect.

A late night visit to the Emergency Room late last Wednesday night, and an unexpected turn of events, changed everything I had planned during the week while slapping me in the face to remind me just how important my family, ALL of them, is in my life.

I took my husband to the Emergency Room that night, expecting him to be administered some fluids and sent home. What I did not expect was test results coming back, my husband’s body shutting down and a quick, desperate rush to put him on oxygen, IV’s and so many other vital, life saving and monitoring devices, in the flash of an eye.

In one second in that tiny room, my husband and I were laughing with one another, joking about the late hours and what we would do once we left. In another, a swarm of nurses and technicians flooded the room, moving me aside as they quickly attached my husband to a myriad of machines in a frantic effort to keep him alive.

In the time leading up to Father’s Day, when I had planned on writing the post about first/natural fathers and the loss they too suffer through adoption, I instead found myself afraid to leave my husband in Intensive Care. Facing the very real and frightening fact that I almost lost him. That I am not, and probably never will be, prepared for a life without him in it.

I am thankful today that he is home with me, with our children. I get to hear his laugh. See his smile. And my children will still have their dad in their life who can push when he needs to but is also one of the first to laugh and joke and bring so much happiness to our lives.

In those first moments in Intensive Care when self pity worked it’s way in, I beat up on myself, on God, on anything and anyone who took my husband for granted and threatened to take him from mine and my children’s lives.

Life really is unexpected and unscripted. You don’t know what each new day will bring.

And it sounds so simplistic to say to cherish every day to be thankful for those you love and love you back. And in real time, real life, we rarely do that.

But then certain turns take us to a point where we again are reminded how amazing it is to have such love, such understanding and care that is shared within a family.

This was my turn to remember. My turn to hold tight to my husband and our children and realize just how lucky we are to have each other. To love each other. And be everything we can, and are, for each other, for as long as we possibly can.


  1. Oh, Cassi. I am so sorry. I feel so much empathy for you right now - 2.5 years ago I took my husband to the ER just a few days before Thanksgiving, thinking that he had accidentally overdosed on too much cold medication. (He's typically a big baby when he's sick and takes everything he can get his hands on.) It ended up being acute viral myo-pericarditis - 40% of his heart muscle was dying - all because of a weird virus. At 37 years of age. Words like "heart transplant" are not ones you wish to or expect to hear, especially in your early thirties. Thankfully he recovered relatively quickly, but those hours... those hours wondering... I am so sorry you experienced them this week.

    I'm so glad he is okay. And yes, your lives are forever changed after this. That feeling you are experiencing right now... it doesn't ever go away.

  2. I am so glad he made it ok!

    Thank you for the reminder to show my family how much I love them.

  3. (((((((Cassi)))))))

    How very, very scary. I am so truly sorry you had to go through such an ordeal and that your husabnd had to go through this. I am happy he is at home with you now and I hope recovering from whatever put him in Emergency on Wednesday night.

    My prayers are with you all, with your husband especially.

    Take care.

    Love and best wishes to you and everyone,
    Myst xxx

  4. I had come here to leave a different kind of comment, one of thanks and appreciation for your patience and wisdom shown to me at Third Mom. Instead, this: life is a gift, the appreciation of which is incessantly unfolding into deeper complexity and more ineffable beauty. I am so glad that your story here concludes with shared embraces, and I will carry from it a commitment to be cognizant of the amazing gift that those who love me let me share with them. I am now doubly in your debt. Beautifully written. Thank you.

  5. Oh Cassi. I pray that your love is recovering and thank you for the reminder to stay in the moment and give extra hugs to my own love.

  6. Thank you for reminding us how important it is to cherish our families. I pray your husband gets stronger and am thankful for his recovery. Bless you all.

  7. Cassi,
    I know we've talked...
    but still reading your post made me cry.
    Yes, it has not been 20 years yet, but I cherish my husband deeply. He annoys me at times, but I cannot imagine life without him.
    I am so glad he's back home, and I love all the pics you've posted here of your family.
    I hope he is getting stronger with each day & I look forward to our next talk.
    much love
    and biiig hugs

  8. oh Cassi, you are so pretty! I always felt you were-I am SO glad your husband is alright and still with your beautiful family-you have lost enough in your life-you do not deserve to lose anymore. I wish all of you the best and a very happy Fourth of July.(and P.S. to you and Cheerio-I have a new email addy, as the other one was hacked into oblivian by I am sure you can guess who, so I will be writing to you both soon as I miss you, xx's and oo's to you both)

  9. I am so sorry it has taken me so long to respond, but I want to say thank you. Though it might sound odd to some, the strength offered in your kind words have helped even more than I could have ever imagined.

  10. Celeste BillhartzJuly 21, 2009 at 4:34 PM

    Cassi ... I am soooooooo sorry to hear this ... and so very grateful that you and your family are ok. Take care, dear one .... love, Celeste ... The Mothers Project