Friday, May 22, 2009

In God's Name

I love God. It might not always seem that way. But I do love him and believe in him. And I don’t question my faith in him.

But I do question, constantly, the acts of those who claim to follow him and do his work. I not only question them. I get angry at them, hurt by the actions they take, words they say. Most especially, in the world of adoption.

I haven’t been to church in over two years, since first reuniting with my oldest son. And just as I was thinking I might return this summer, I stumble across this little jewel printed at Sacred Selections. . .

- - It is a feeling whether spoken or unspoken throughout almost all birthmothers...."Why would anyone ever want to adopt my child when i don't even want it?!! - -

How dare they! In this disgusting post, oozing with God and Christianity, meant to raise money to encourage more adoptions, they dish out one of the worst lies I have ever heard. It made me sick to my stomach to read that, especially after traveling through the many other lies they threw out before ever getting to this one.

And why . . . WHY . . . do they say this . . .

- - I have had good, well meaning Christians tell me to my face that "No mother would EVER give her child willingly so we just don't want to be a part of that!" Just because you have not experienced something DOES NOT MAKE IT A FACT!! - -

They have to make us the “monster” in order to fight against the knowledge that mothers don’t willingly give up their children. They have to create lies, make us less than normal – those beasts who don’t want their own baby – so they can get more “good” Christians to adopt.

And so I say back to them – YOU are the one who hasn’t experienced this so YOU don’t know fact. And how dare you, under God’s name, pretend that you do and push off such disgusting lies, daring, in your “Christian” way, to say “almost all” first/natural moms don’t want their child.

I don’t know of a single first/natural mom who didn’t want their child. Never, EVER, in my life have I heard anyone say such a disgusting thing. Only here, under God’s name, does such ugliness exist. Doing His work brings these lies. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

And what does this do to adoptees who read such things? How must it feel to think your mother didn’t want you and didn’t think anyone else would either? Can you kick them any harder? Hurt them anymore?

In another post, they refer to taking away a pregnant woman’s burden . . . . in other words . . . her child.

My child was never a burden and I don’t know of another mom who saw her child as one either.

So why do people believe this kind of stuff? Why do they think it’s okay to say and do such things while putting God as the cherry on top?

What does it mean, really, to be a Christian? I honestly and truly want to know. I want to understand why there are so many out there, saying such things, promoting such disgusting practices, under the belief they are doing what God wants them to do.

As a Christian, I can’t even bring myself to sit in a pew next to other Christians, because I just don’t know where their beliefs would be when it comes to the world of adoption. Are they the ones who nod in agreement when someone says “God meant for another woman’s baby to be mine.”

Would they believe it was their “Christian” duty to encourage pregnant women to surrender their unborn baby to adoption. That it is what God believes is best.

My own “God-Loving, Good Christian” brother-in-law (who fathered three children out of wedlock) once told me, after reuniting with my oldest son, that God had punished me by getting pregnant before marriage. I exploded on him, something I had never done before. I demanded he tell me where that was true for my son, the one who suffered more than I could ever imagine through adoption. Why would he be punished for my sins? Why would he go through the hell he did because I got pregnant before marriage?

I don’t believe God makes mistakes. I don’t believe he has any hand in the pain and loss of adoption. But so many, many people do. So many Christians speak in his name about the greatness of adoption. They will lie, like the authors of this post, push false images of the pregnant women, in order to satisify whatever desires reside inside of them.

My oldest son has recently decided he no longer believes in God. He used to. But he has lost the faith with all he has faced through his childhood. He has scars on his arm from where he was cutting himself. His adoptive mom, who mentally and physically abused him, struggled with an alcohol addiction, sent him to be counseled by the pastor at his Christian School. A pastor who told him he should be grateful that his mother had adopted him. That such acts, like cutting himself, were a disobedience to her and that he would go to hell if he didn’t straighten up and become a better child for her.

A man of God told my son this! Placed him on the path to losing his faith in God. Can anyone blame him? Can anyone question why now he doesn’t believe?

This just has to stop. God is not up there blessing the acts of adoption. He is not glorifying those who adopt while condemning those women who face unplanned pregnancies. He isn’t expecting adoptees to be grateful and obedient to their adoptive parents.

That is not the God I know and believe in.

But that is the God so many Christians believe in. That is the God they use to justify their adoption. And I just can’t be a part of them. I can’t sit next to them. Worship with them. Pretend like my beliefs are the same as theirs.

A good friend of mine has a saying . . . “I don’t have a problem with God. It’s his followers I don’t like.”

That’s where I sit now. That is my head and my heart when it comes to God. I love him. I believe in him. But I can’t pretend to be a “Good” Christian when part of that must include believing in the many lies that exist in the world of adoption.


34 comments:

  1. I know someone who relinquished a child when she was a teenager. Her home was an unstable environment. She wanted to keep the child, but knew she couldn't have because the child would have grown up in an unsafe environment.

    She never got over it, and can easily break down in tears if the right trigger is presented.

    She also went on to adopt a child about 15 years later and says that if the parents couldn't take care of the child, then it was God's Will that the child be adopted. She says since she went through the same thing that she could understand how the other mother felt and that because the other mother made such a sacrificing choice that it was her [a-mom] blessing to be able to parent.

    She isn't a bad person, not at all. She has been one of the kindest people I know.

    But...

    I just can't fathom most of that.

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  2. Hi Cassi...

    Great post and so very true!

    I feel many, many, many people call themselves Christian without having any actual clue to what it means. There seems to be alot of talk about God this and God that, especially in the USA... and little if any action. This is a gross generalisation and isn't just limited to the USA as there are people everywhere who caim Christianity but have no intention of really following God as the Bible requests.

    The words of the Bible are contsantly twisted around for many different situations, adoption being one of them. It makes it easier for some to warp the words and say God is condoning their actions so they can justify their in their own heads. SO many 'christians' (what I call 'churchians') are going to get a big shock when they get to Heaven and meet God.

    I also believe in God, have a Faith in Jesus. I cannot stand church however and see it as being an institution thats lusts after money. There are few REAL churches left today. Its sad as they have become the wolf dressed in lambs clothing... for example, the words you found, Bethany "Christian" Services etc.

    Myst xxx

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  3. Oh, and I just wanted to point out that NOWHERE in the Bible does God ever condone STEALING another woman's baby; in fact the only example of an infant being fought over is the case of Solomon and the two mothers. It clearly states one mother finds her child dead and so takes her baby and swaps it for that of the other woman who, when she wakes finds the dead child, realises the child isn't hers and tries to reclaim her own. Solomon places the baby back in the arms of the real mother after testing the women to see which one would speak up. Solomon is described as being wise etc... if God condoned adoption/stealing babies, the woman who took the baby would have been able to keep him/her and the other mother told to live with it... in today's standards... just another example of where modern day life starts to warp things for their own satisfaction.

    Myst xxx

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  4. Mei-Ling,

    I can't fathom it either. As a first/natural mom who knows that pain first hand, the very last thing I would ever want is to have another human being suffer through it.

    For me, understanding is helping other women who face unexpected pregnancies. I garage sale for infant and toddler items to donate to charities who provide these items to pregnant women. I volunteer my time to a home here in my state that is meant only for helping young mothers raise their babies. And my donations, that used to go to my church, now go to this organization to help continue to good work they offer.

    I can't say what does or does not drive your friend, or even if she is right or wrong. All I can say is, with my own experience, I could never adoption another woman's child. My own experience has taught me to help every women I can to keep and raise her child in whatever way possible.

    I am curious to know, though, why your friend follows a different route than mine. I wonder what situations were different for her that led her down a completely different route than the one I found.

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  5. Myst,

    I can definitely see the difference between what you consider "Christians" and "Churchians." I think what tears at me the most in this is that I have an amazing Pastor that I trust and respect with all my heart but even with those feelings I can not return to his church and sit among those who call themselves Christians.

    Outside of my brother-in-laws statements, I have faced other similiar statements from a member of that church who I considered a friend, and who also happens to be an adoptive mom. I have heard from her own mouth how God meant for her son to be hers because he knew her son's first/natural mom was unfit as a parent. She has also pulled back her friendship since I adopted back my son. Even knowing what my son faced with his adoptive mom, she does not agree wtih adopting him back because of how it must have hurt his adoptive mother.

    I just don't understand it. I've always kind of had a "why" relationship with God. But it has never been tested as it has with all the painful, disgusting things I read by those who claim to love Him and call themselves "Christians."

    I wish I had the same knowledge of scripture that you do. I think, in my life today, it would be great help to get me through those situations like I faced reading this latest post spewing everything I DON'T believe in when it comes to God and being a Christian.

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  6. BRAVO. Amazing post, that pretty well sums up how I feel as well.
    If it hadn't been for "GOD's WILL" (according to my parents) I would have kept my baby.
    They used God to manipulate me and say, it was HIM who wanted me to give my baby away. (after all, wasn't Jesus adopted?)
    I can't go to church anymore either, and I'm really good with that.
    I like that quote by your friend,
    “I don’t have a problem with God. It’s his followers I don’t like.”

    GOD the truly loving, would NEVER NEVER NEVER wish for his children to ever give away their children, or to be so diluted, into thinking that it was HIM that wanted us to. I'm positive that God, is deeply saddened over it, HE PUTS THE RIGHT BABIES IN THE RIGHT TUMMIES.

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  7. The weirdest thing is that sometimes, even the people who have relinquished and broken down about it are the ones who will say "Well I guess God wanted me to give this baby to another couple."

    Yes, people, that's it!

    Families are INTERCHANGEABLE!!!

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  8. I think the largest problem with many churches today is that they aren't actually filled with Christians.

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  9. I know I don't have the quote completely correct but I identify with it greatly.

    Ghandi said "I don't understand your Christians, they are so unlike your Christ"

    Cassi, I am like your son, I have given up believing at all. I was raised a Catholic, now I call myself a "recovering Catholic". But I just can't buy it at all anymore, it was a realization that hit me like a ton of bricks when the locked away PTSD re-surfaced at the start of reunion. It was like a bright light and it was the truth for me without a doubt.

    Denise

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  10. I don't have a problem with anyone who proclaims a faith.

    But the ones who are say they are Christians are the very same people who want to take a mother from her baby because they want the baby.

    And I know everyone sees this types daily. Judging while doing some of the very same things, they judge other people for.

    I don't care to congregate with those who go to church any church.

    yts

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  11. Please do not generalize. You may not know any mothers who did not want their children but we exist, and your assumption that we do not just makes me feel more guilty. I did not want my child. I am anonymous because I don't want her to know this. We are in a extremely happy reunion and I love her more than I can say. But I did not want a baby when she was born and surrendered her without a second thought.

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  12. anonymous: You did not love your child at all when she was in infancy? The biological urge that the pregnancy hormones create did not affect you at ALL? Really?

    (Minus any drugs IF you were on any at the time, which I presume you weren't based on your response)

    [You may not know any mothers who did not want their children but we exist, and your assumption that we do not just makes me feel more guilty.]

    If you truly had no regrets, then why feel guilty?

    Psychologically speaking, if you had no feelings regarding your child's birth and relinquished her "without a second thought", then you wouldn't be feeling guilty as there would be nothing to feel guilty about.

    You say you are in a happy reunion and love her NOW. What about then?

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  13. Anonymous i think you are suspect and probably not a first parent.youre some kind of trolling idiot sent here to cause discourse and shift the focus away from the truth.

    I became a christian after my daughter was surrendered and adoption is something that is decades behind with the church.even though i had an amazing church, they were extremely ignorant about first parents and adoption myth.

    There truly is no debate if you are a true follower and believer of Christ. You need only look to the bible in both Old and New Testament to know what God's view on adoption is.

    Start with Moses. Then read the Ten Commandments. Then read the story of Jesus's birth and the Gospels.

    Mary was an unwed single mother. Moses Mother gave him up to save his life. She enjoyed an open adoption even nursing her son.Moses took his rightful place and denied himself the rich and privelged life as the adopted son of a pharaoh.

    There are ethical adoptions and there are those will believe, do and say anything to justify their desires,behaviors and wants. And God still loves you anyways if you would only turn from your sin of destroying peoples lives with greed, self righteousness and lies.

    My God is mighty to save. Is yours?

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  14. I am with jade and the others, if you truly did not want your daughter and you willingly surrendered her without a second thought, how would it be possible to be in a great reunion and "Love" her now. Nope, not buying it for a second. This may be what you convinced yourself of over the years, but it is not true, and you will realize it one day and I am sorry, but that day will bring you to your knees. The same damn place the rest of us have been all along.

    Denise

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  15. And they call themselves Christians, what a laughing stock, makes them feel all wonderful inside, and of course to have the cherry on top of adopting like wearing a halo.

    Religious beings don't exist unless it benefits them in some way, makes them feel better about themselves, judge other from their religion's views. Having lived long enough to actually view those religious "people" I see they are hypocrites but still doesn't matter as they believe in god.

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  16. Wow. I'm saddened at reading the original post and the responses. So much pain in these cases and I'm sorry for that.

    But it is unfair to paint all adoptions and adoptive sitatutions with the same brush.

    I have five children and four different adoption situations. And I am a Christian. And I DO believe that these children were all meant to be mine eventually.

    The first adoption were two siblings ages 2 and 3 taken into custody for abuse and neglect. Their birth mom did not make any effort to do the simple things she needed to do to get custody back. I'm not saying she didn't love them...but she couldn't take care of herself....much less two children. The Birth Dad loves his/our kids. He relinquished his parental rights to us, because we agreed to an open adoption...and despite HIS pain, he felt like we could give them a much more stable life. They had special needs that he could not provide for. He's happy....our kids are happy...and despite some mental issues we deal with...very happy and well adjusted.

    Our next adoption was a new born baby. Her birth mom had no prenatal care. She walked into a hospital and gave birth. She left two hours later stating that she couldn't take care of a baby. She elected to remain anonymous. And we are raising a beautiful, giggly, loving and incredibly happy daughter. I have no idea why she chose not to parent. But I don't think it was forced upon her.

    Our third adoption was a teenager. And the years of emotional abuse and neglect from his birth mother have him in a pit of despair that I don't know he'll ever be able to climb out of. Despite how much we tell him we love him and he has value. He doesn't beleive it. Because his birth mother never showed it to him. I can say that it is my belief that he would have been a happier person had he been placed with another family when he was a child. His birth mom HARMED him irreparably.

    I also have one biological child.

    Just like all of life, there are ugly adoption stories and beautiful adoption stories. I don't feel like I stole anyone's child. And I truly feel like I was meant to parent the children that I currently have in my care.

    All of my children (except for the teen) are happy, loving, secure, well-adjusted.

    I just hate to see adoption painted with the same brush. Sometimes it is a necessary thing. And often time it CAN be beautiful.

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  17. You know, Julie, I actually do agree with you on one aspect - that it IS sometimes necessary. (eg. neglect/abuse)

    "And I truly feel like I was meant to parent the children that I currently have in my care."

    But if the "birth"moms had not neglected/abused their children, would you still have ended up adopting them? In other words, would they still have been 'available' for adoption?

    No.

    So was it in their "best interest" to be abused/neglected just so that you can say you were meant to be their parent?

    (By the way, this is not meant to be an attack. I'm just trying to explain this to you.)

    You're going to say "No BUT since their mothers couldn't/didn't want to parent them, perhaps it was because I was meant to be their parent instead. Perhaps things worked out for the better so they could gain a loving home and so I could be a parent."

    But without the abuse/neglect, you wouldn't have adopted them. You wouldn't have become a parent. Do you realize that and how your statement "meant to be" is connected to that irrevocably?

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  18. ***I just hate to see adoption painted with the same brush. Sometimes it is a necessary thing. And often time it CAN be beautiful.***

    Julie,
    I just have to ask - though I can see where you see your adoptions as beautiful - where is that beauty in the abuse, neglect and abandonment your children experiened. I can see where you view the "beauty" of adoption but I just can't see where your children would see any beauty in what has happened to them. And how could they?

    To me, I just can't grasp that any mortal or higher being "MEANT" for your children to be with you because if that were true, than that would mean the abuse and neglect they suffered was meant to happen to them so that you could be their mother. That would mean somebody pre-determined that the pain they suffered before adoption was justified and necessary in order for them to become a part of your family. If they were "meant" to be your children, then, in turn, does that not mean they were "meant" to go through such heartache and pain in order to insure you became their mother - as it was "meant" to be?

    I'm sorry, but I just can't fathom that kind of logic. I don't believe God is waving his finger, deciding some should suffer so other's can gain. I can't in my heart, with all I believe in God and his way, accept that your children had to suffer because you were "meant" to be their mother. That just is not the God I know or believe in.

    And I am sorry, but, to me, your adoption situations sound far from beautiful. There is so much pain, loss and grief associated with what happened before your children came into your family that I just cannot see any such thing as "beautiful" under any belief.

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  19. I guess it depends on your definition of "meant". I do not believe in pre-destination. We all make choices every single day that determine our path in life. God gave us free will.

    So no, I don't think he created four of my five children and "meant" for them to be abused (or in one case abandoned) so that I could have them. But I do think that when adults made certain choices that put their children in danger (or when one chose not to parent), then he sent those children to ME. Not some other woman walking down the street...ME. Just like he sent my birth child to me. He knew that I had the qualities they needed to begin to heal.

    Their past may not be all beautiful. But our adoption, our family and our present IS beautiful. And hopefully our future will be as well.

    I have ugly things in my past...a child lost in the 2nd trimester...a suicidal first husband. Because I had a bad experience related to pregancy and marriage doesn't mean those things are bad.

    con't

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  20. And I want to get back to this whole predestination thing. Three of my five kids came to me with significant emotional damage. And they are now my children, and I'll do the best that I can to help them heal. But ultimately it's going to be up to them (and the choices they make) TO heal and to go on and have productive lives.

    One of my children is choosing right now to be a victim. He believes that the world owes him something. He is angry at God and everyone in the world. He does not love himself....so he believes that no one else could love him either. He is choosing a path of self destruction. It's not what I want for him....it's not what God wants for him. But he has free will....and neither of us can MAKE him make better choices. All I can do is love him and pray for him. And his life IS ugly right now...and that came from ugliness. But I still have hope for his future. And sometimes I would get angry. I spent so much time, love and energy on this boy...and watching him self destruct is painful. Right now it all seems like all my effort and love was for nothing. And I would ask God "WHY did you send this child to me if I wasn't going to be able to help him." And I finally understood one day. It's the old "You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make him drink." He's given my son opportunties to have a different life. My son still has to take those opportunities and walk through the door. And I haven't given up. Maybe through me, God planted a seed that will bloom sometime later in his life. And maybe it won't. Maybe I was just there to give him an opportunity.

    We are very open about all of our adoptive situations. My son and daughter who are bio sibs know that their birth mother has problems (and makes bad choices)and is not safe to be around. They have no interest in seeing her now, but my daughter has expressed an interest in meeting her when she's older. They know and see their birth father and other birth relatives several times a year. Last year at a football game, my daugher asked her birth father "Why didn't you keep me?" And together we explained to her in terms appropriate for her age that he was not able to take care of her at the time...even though he loved her very much. And that we all got together and decided that the best thing for THEM was for us to adopt them and he could still visit and see them. And she was satisfied with that answer. She is satisifed with her LIFE. She is curious, but she's HAPPY. If I gave her the choice right now to go live with him full time, she wouldn't do it. She is my child. I am her Mother. She has no desire to live with him. But she does like to see him sometimes.

    con't

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  21. It's not any different than kids asking "Why didn't you and Daddy stay married to each other?" or "Why do I have two Mommies, when other kids have a Mom and a Dad?" or "Why did my Daddy die when I was a baby?" It's just a part of life, and we answer their questions as best we can an go forward.

    And the one I've had since she was four days old . She is SO perceptive and wise for her age. We have always always told her the story of how we got her. She asks to hear it over and over. She's always known she's adopted. As she has gotten older she's asked more sophisticated questions. She knows her birth parent's names. She knows that her birth parents couldn't take care of her when she was born. She tells me that she wants to meet her birth mother some day. I tell her that when she's older, we'll try to find her birth mother. And one day, when she was five, she told me "You know I want to meet my birth mom. But I don't want her to be my Mom. I want her to be like my Aunt." She is HAPPPY. She likes our life. And was adoption an ugly thing for her birth mother? I honestly don't know. I think about her birth mother sometimes. I wish the adoption wasn't closed (by her choice). I wish I could tell her how much I love the little girl we share. One day I hope that I get to meet her too.

    I'm sure there are very ugly adoption situations out there. And always with adoption...even in the best cases there is a loss there for everyone involved.

    When you say that my children weren't "meant" to be mine it makes it sound like that I am some kind of lesser being to them. I have adopted children and a bio child. In our house adoption isn't second best. It's just a different route into our family.

    Ah well. I've rambled on enough. I love my kids so much. And yes, some of them have been exposed to some things no child should have to deal with. But I refuse to believe that our family is ugly or in any way second rate or second best. We are just as much a family. We just came together in a different way. And we have at least two different sets of birth families as a part of our extended family. And sometimes my little one gets mad because SHE's not adopted and SHE doesn't have an extra set of "birth parents" ;0)

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  22. The question I always have for the Julies of the world: would you still have taken responsibility for those children if there was no adoption, no ficitionalized birth certificate, no requirement for the children to call YOU "mom?"

    What if they kept their original names and called the "birth mom" just plain ole' "mom" and called you "Julie." Would you still be interested?

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  23. Ummm....yep. Such is the case with my oldest. He came to us at 17. He was homeless, addicted to mariuana and close to flunking out of school. My DH is a Coach and when he became homeless he asked to come and live with us.

    We wanted to adopt him. He did not want to be adopted. Did not want his name changed (even though we told him he could be adopted without changing his name). He doesn't call me Mom. Look on my blog. I claim him, even though if you ask him, he won't claim me. He describes us (DH and I) as his friends.

    But you know what....guess who he calls when he's hurting and in trouble? That would be me....no matter what he calls me.

    Just because he is still struggling and doesn't call me Mom doesn't make me love him any less.

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  24. The "meant" to me idea in adoption reminds me of Clinton. When he said he "didn't" have sex with that woman. What is considered sex. obviously we mothers had sex and we became pregnant but some had sex and didn't become pregnant but they still had sex, so does that make them better women (adopters)because they couldn't conceive after having sex?

    Hell NO!

    Just like Clinton, he may not have had actual intercourse, but he was still having sex, outside his marriage and of course, having sex like he was didn't create a pregnancy.

    I to this day will NOT apologize for getting pregnant, after all I didn't get pregnant on my own. It took two people and the man CAN walk away like so many did in my time, and NOW, although, now they at least make them pay child support. Or try to some men don't work for that reason? Or just give up their kids, when they can keep them with them but choose not to because its easier to not to. I do think women who get support would and do keep their babies more often than not. Its all about help and if we can give tax bonuses to adopt we should be helping mothers keep their babies.

    Women who had no help, to keep their babies, even though they had the sex, shouldn't be held up to a different standard, its easy to say one shouldn't have "got" pregnant if one can't get pregnant and keeps having sex to try.

    And of course, NOT being able to get pregnant (infertility)is looked on so differently by the general public, and how they look at mothers who become pregnant and then are forced into adoption. Dammed if we do, (get pg) and dammed if we are forced into adoption, "unfit" women to be a mother!

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  25. "When you say that my children weren't "meant" to be mine it makes it sound like that I am some kind of lesser being to them."

    Julie, why do you think that? What *makes* you think that? What indicates to you that you should feel that way?

    Simply because you adopted, and to criticize your adoption indicates... what? That you're afraid you'll be seen as "less than"? You'll take it personally because you adopted and not because of what happened to allow your children to BECOME adopted?

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  26. **When you say that my children weren't "meant" to be mine it makes it sound like that I am some kind of lesser being to them.**

    Julie,

    When I say I don't believe God "meant" for any adoptions to happen, it does not mean I take away anyone's value or worth of their own family. I just plain and simply don't believe, in my heart or my head that God has anything to do with it.

    To me, and the God I put my faith in, I believe if He used any power in adoption then, ultimately, there would be no reason for it because he would be sure no child was ever abandoned, neglected or abused.

    Coming from the side of pain and loss, I don't think adoption is beautiful. I can't. I have seen too much ugliness in it for my oldest son, myself, my family and so many other first/natural moms and adoptees and even adoptive moms that I know.

    That doesn't mean I expect you to believe your family is somehow "ugly." It just means that there is a lot in adoption that is ugly and alot of it is controlled by outside forces who want only to get a child away from their mother, using God as their excuse for their own selfish needs.

    You use your first husband and the child you lost in your first trimester as examples of bad situations that have not tainted your view on marriage and pregnancy. But if those situations had come in the form of someone abusing their power to take from you and hurt you and your children and you believed you could make change in those areas so no other had to suffer the same pain, would you not stand up and expose the dark side in hopes of helping others where you might not have been. If you lost your child by the hand of somebody else's actions, would you see that as a "beautiful" experience?

    You are right, we can't let everything that happens to us in life taint the way we see things, but we can and should stand up for better when it is needed and expose those who will and do hurt others for their own selfish needs. To not do so would be wrong, in my opinion.

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  27. **Dammed if we do, (get pg) and dammed if we are forced into adoption, "unfit" women to be a mother!**

    I couldn't say this any better. And, like you, I will NEVER apologize for getting pregnant. NEVER! How could I when I have an amazing, wonderful son from that pregnancy. How could I ever have a need to apologize for that!

    The only thing I am sorry for is not raising him when it was me he needed most.

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  28. Julie,

    I forgot to add, it sounds like your adoptions were done through foster care which does have differences from domestic infant adoption which is what the writer of the blog I linked to is encouraging through, I believe, dishonest measures, using God's name as her reasons and justification.

    No child should ever remain in abusive situations! And though I don't yet know myself of better options when it comes to adoption through foster care, I do believe every child has a right to a fmaily to love and care for them. I just hate that it, at times, seems like they have to completely give up their own heritage and past in order to be accepted by another family.

    I am not saying that is your situation at all, just noting that it is something I hate seeing when it comes to adoption in all forms.

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  29. some people only get into fostering in order to adopt. that is the case with my now adopted out daughter. she was adopted by a foster mother who used the system to by pass long waiting lists. she promised me the world and even befriended me. as soon as she got my blonde haired blue eyed 16 mos daughter she re nagged on the 'open adoption'. she too will claim that all her kids bio and adopted are hers,because she changed their poopy diapers and all the first parents are abusive according to her. i never wanted to give up my daughter or separate my 2 daughters who are sisters. i am and was a good mother. im a survivor of foster care and rarely are there people who foster or adopt who didnt do so for selfish reasons. i cant even tell you how many other foster kids were in care as a result of a failed adoption.the entire system treats first mothers and our children like property. all to provide a healthy stock to the infertile. i wouldnt wish adoption on my worst enemy. we're not supposed to mess with natures plans. when we do we end up with what we have today. a world full of suffering poor mothers and priveleged infertile women. with our children being caught in the middle. this is not meant to be nor is it gods plan. my daughters and i had the right to stay together. if the foster mother did her job, we would still be together. at least signing the papers got both my kids out of the system. one adopted and one home with me. is this gods plan too? was i only meant to raise one daughter. gods ways are so much better and higher than our ways. julie, your son isnt making a choice or playing the victim. he IS a victim.

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  30. Jade - I hear adoptive parents many times talk about going through foster care to adopt because it's cheaper and you can still get a baby or young child if you are patient. You are right, for some that is their only intention.

    I battle back and forth on the answer for foster care because it should serve the needs of those children who are truly at risk of being abused or neglected, but often there are so many other horror stories that happen and the children's needs are the last ones to be considered.

    And, I know from experience, that if a child is under the age of five, many social workers will do what they can to have the baby adopted before placing them back with their family. My own cousin is an example of this. Yes, her infant daughter needed to be removed from the home, that I will not disagree with. But when she was removed, our aunt immediately contacted CPS to let them know she wanted to keep my cousin's daughter while my cousin worked on what was required of her and they told her no. My aunt had to fight with an attorney to get her niece because the social workers had already placed her with a foster family that intended to adopt her. This within a month after she was taken away from my cousin. It was a terrible and ugly battle just to keep this baby girl in the family, which is where she should have been placed from the very beginning.

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  31. Cassie -

    "I forgot to add, it sounds like your adoptions were done through foster care which does have differences from domestic infant adoption which is what the writer of the blog I linked to is encouraging through, I believe, dishonest measures, using God's name as her reasons and justification."

    Yes. I agree with you there. Our cases are different. And if a birth mother was coerced into giving up a child or promised an open adoption and then that wasn't followed through on, those ARE horrible situations. And I would think that if I gave a child to a couple via adoption and then found out that child was abused by the couple that would be horrific.

    I just hate to see adoption painted "in general" with such a negative brush. It's like stereotyping anything or anyone else. It's the same thing as making assumptions about someone based on their race. It's not always true and it's seldom fair.

    If my children read your page (and were old enough to understand it) I bet they would find some of the things you had to say to be hurtful.

    And even in the domestic situations....IF you don't want to have an abortion and IF you don't want to parent (and there ARE people out there in those situations). Adoption CAN be a good option.

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  32. "I battle back and forth on the answer for foster care because it should serve the needs of those children who are truly at risk of being abused or neglected, but often there are so many other horror stories that happen and the children's needs are the last ones to be considered."

    The Foster Care System itself is flawed on many many levels. But that is a whole nother can of worms. Sigh.

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  33. ***I just hate to see adoption painted "in general" with such a negative brush. ***

    Julie,

    What you see as negative is mine, my oldest son's, and my family's reality. It's not negative, it's truth, just as much as the "positive" you post on your own site. My side, my son's side, deserves to be heard in the very real realm that it occured, just as much as you talk about the good of adoption on your end. For far too long, society has heard about the "greatness" of adoption. It's far past the time when ALL sides should be heard and the experiences of adoptees and first/natural mothers are just as accepted as fact as those of adoptive parents.

    And I would hope your children would never be hurt by what I write here as I always try to be aware of the adoptee and their experience in every word I put into my blog. If they would be hurt by the fact that adoption was not and still is not, a "good" thing for myself and my family, I can not help that, any more than you can help the fact that your experience and belief in adoption, would anger my oldest son.

    You gained amazing children through adoption. I, on the other hand, lost almost two decades with an equally amazing child. My hurt and grief, I believe, is just as important and I have every right to express my own experience without being accused of painting adoption in a "general" term.

    Adoption DOES include loss. There is just no way around that. Even if everthing pointed to adoption being the only choice, the loss is still there and, in my opinion, can not be ignored or denied.

    Would you, as an adoptive parent, be willing to no longer share how you have gained through adoption? If your answer is no, then my next question is, why should I not have the same right to speak up about how adoption has hurt myself, my oldest son and the rest of my family?

    I don't see it as negative. I see it is my truth to tell just as so many who find no problem in telling their "happy" truth of adoption. For all those stories of gain and happiness, there is also stories of loss and grief and we have just as much right to stand up and speak out as the others do even if our views are not what society wants to hear.

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  34. I am so glad that you wrote about this whole "God's will" thing. People blame all kinds of things on God's will, but I can't help but wonder how many of those people actually know God's will for them. The New Age books these days are getting on the adoption bandwagon as well, in addition to the Christians. New Age books will talk about adoptresses who dreamed about their adoptees before the adoptees were separated from their mothers, etc., and always the adoptress' side is shown and the writers of these books seem to rejoice when a child is taken from a mom and given to some friend of theirs. It's a real shame that people are trying to make a good thing out of the separation of natural families.

    Adopters such as Julie perpetuate adoption myths; she has four adoptees and one child and I will not pretend anything else. Her adoptees can call her what they wish, but they are not her children no matter how much she and they may want to be parent and child. It may well be good for the adoptees that Julie is helping and loving them, but those things do not their mother make. And as for a mom who "chose not to parent"; that's only possible if one gets an abortion. Parenting a baby--and the verb "parenting" seems to have been redefined by the adoption industry--occurs when a child is conceived. There can be bad parenting and good parenting, but a parent is a parent, no matter what. A mom may give her baby to someone else to raise, but she is still very much the child's only mom.

    Again, many thanks for writing about this very issue. As a Christian, I really am sad that many Christians have bought the adoption propaganda as they have; it's up to us, those who have been through familial separation by adoption, to tell the world how it really is. And yes, familial separation results in more dysfunctional families so that more children become available for adoption. If the adoption industry did not perpetuate the adoption lies, their $1.6 billion per year business of supplying the demand for adoptable children would cease to exist.

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