Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Birthmother, Good Mother

I believe the NCFA (National Council For Adoption) is the devil in disguise. This organization as well as their buddies over at the FRC (Family Research Center) have their hands in so many lives struggling through their own personal adoption hell. And they do it all under the guise of caring and understanding. Of love and respect. Holding a hand out to a desperate, confused pregnant woman while using the other one to yank her baby away from her.

A while back, I wrote the post The Adoption Manual . This disgusting bit of material – a how-to on the best ways to convince a pregnant woman to give up her baby for adoption – is the handiwork of the FRC. Published in 2000, The Missing Piece, Adoption Counseling in Pregnancy Resource Centers , was created to help counselors who work with pregnant women push adoption as a “loving option” in the hopes of producing more available infants to feed the needs of the billion-dollar adoption industry.

For the NCFA, though, this must not have been enough. Teaming up with the FRC and wanting more, they hired Charles T. Kenny, Ph.D. from Right Brain People to use first/natural mothers - in the worst of ways - to research and study how best to convince a pregnant woman to give her baby up for adoption.

One hundred dollars is what the first/natural moms received for their “stories.” One hundred dollars and no information on why the study was being conducted or who was doing it. One hundred dollars to be blindfolded and led back to relive the trauma of losing their child to adoption. Using them to find the best ways to put more mothers through the same grief, the same loss. The same hell of adoption.

And through this, came another disgusting how-to manual - Birthmother, Good Mother . More proof that the halo they proclaim to carry is held up by the horns they truly wear.

Though I HATE giving a single penny to the NCFA, I ordered the book. It took over a year to even be able to do that. To find that place where I was prepared to sift through yet another publication created to cause more loss and grief to women who faced the same experience I did so many years ago.

And yet, I still thought I would be able to read through it with some separation between what I read and what I went through. I believed after I pushed myself through the pages, I’d be able to again, as I did with “The Missing Piece” be able to write about it in the form of “educating.”

But "Birthmother, Good Mother," hit me differently. The title alone, should have given me the first clue that it wasn’t going to be so easy to read what was inside. But I really wasn’t prepared for how it would feel to find their ways of manipulation in black and white and remember where that manipulation entered my life and changed it forever.

In so many areas, I was back there again, inside the adoption agency, sitting across from my counselor, being told the exact same things that are encouraged in this book. It was as if I was literally reading the script of what my counselor had in front of her. All the right things to say. The reasons why I would be such a terrible parent and someone else was better to raise my child.

I was there again, even though it was two decades before “Birthmother, Good Mother” ever came out. Was it through my experiences and those in my generation that they realized how good their tricks worked? Or is it because their tricks have been working for all these years and they continue to put them to their best use? I don’t know. All I know is over twenty years ago I was that pregnant woman who sat with somebody I thought I could trust, believe in. I was the one who was frightened and confused, looking for help and in return what I was offered was exactly what they promote in their “how-to” manual. I got somebody who already knew what to say to be sure I gave my son up. Somebody already trained, already set in the goal to discourage me from parenting and working hard on letting me “know” that the only way I would be a “GOOD” mother would be to lose my child.

The very first page of this disgusting manual reads . . .

Her Story of Heroic Redemption

Cause that is it, isn’t it. Women like me, like the many other first/natural moms out there, needed to find redemption for our terrible sins. We fell to such low, scums of the earth by getting pregnant that the only thing to save us was to take that step into adoption and be “heroes” for knowing how wrong we were and absolving our sins with the worst of all sacrifices – losing our children. Then we can be good again. Worthy of others liking us . . . loving us . . . respecting us.

As they say in their own words . . .

- - Choosing adoption enables birthmothers to see themselves in compassionate,noble and heroic terms, righting the WRONG and correcting the MISTAKE of their unplanned pregnancies. - -

- - In doing what is BEST for her child, she fulfills her NEED to see herself as a GOOD MOTHER and can ACCEPT the PAIN of relinquishment. In this way, she transforms the AGONY of the entire story into a REDEMPTIVE experience where she becomes a HEROINE in her own eyes and the eyes of others. - -

Because that is us. So shamed by the terrible act of pregnancy and giving birth that we can only be “GOOD” by clawing our way up onto the adoption pedestal. By knowing that, even though we screwed up, we can still save our souls by knowing that we will be acceptable once again through giving up our children for others to take care of. Others who are better than us. More successful. Richer. Married. Educated. Whatever it is that they have that we don’t. They are the better ones and more worthy of raising our children . . .

- - As they work through their conflicts, birthmothers eventually come to see that adoption is best for their children, They begin to see that adoption can provide the joy and security of family life for their children that they cannot. - -

Because we weren’t good enough for our own children? Because our supposive “mistakes” made us the bad people, the ones unworthy of raising our own children. Yes, let’s make sure they know that there is no way they can be a good mother to their children. Let’s show them how others are the better ones than them. What harm can that do? What possible damage can it cause to let a pregnant woman believe she will fail as a mother before her child is even born?

Except, just this week, my husband admitted to me how hurt he is when I still believe I am a bad parent after he does everything he can to tell me and show me that I am a good mother. It upsets him that after twenty-two years together, and him being the one who knows me better than anyone, I still can’t find a way to let his words give me confidence and will instead let the others who told me, over twenty years ago, that I wouldn’t be a good mother to my son, affect how I see myself to this day.

All those years ago, they wanted me to believe my only solution to being a “Good” mother was to lose my child to a “better” mother. But what the underlying truth was in their words was that I wasn’t good enough. I failed where others had succeeded. And those who carried the success, and not my failure, were the ones deserving of raising my child.

They like to stress in this manual the shame and embarrassment first/natural moms cause when they end up pregnant. Like to stress how adoption is our way of making up for that . . .

- - When a birthmother first discovered she was pregnant, she lost self-esteem and self-respect, feeling like a “bad girl” – stupid and immoral. - -

- - Adoption allows them (birthmothers) to MAKE AMENDS with their families and communities. Placing their children for adoption gives birthmothers a SECOND CHANCE and allows them to show that they are mature enough to take responsibility for their actions . . . she (the birthmother) believes that they will accept her and forgive her for her mistake. In addition, she (the birthmother) feels that adoption ALLOWS her to protect herself as well as HER FAMILY from the SHAME of single parenting.- -

NONE of my children were ever a mistake and NOBODY in my family ever led me to believe they were ashamed or embarrassed of me. The only person who made me feel “shame” for my “mistake” was my adoption counselor. She was the one who made sure I understood just how embarrassing it was to my parents for me to be pregnant at sixteen. She made sure I understood how my own close friends found it hard to be seen with someone who was so young and “pregnant.” She, over everyone else, made sure I understood clearly how terrible my act was. How shameful and wrong it was that I became pregnant while still so young, unmarried and unsuccessful.

And even if somebody is still stuck back in the dark ages of condemning a woman for unplanned pregnancies, so what?! It isn’t what others think of them. It’s how best to make sure they believe in themselves so they can recognize others thoughts do not dictate the person they are. Why would it ever be encouraged for a woman to lose her child forever because she has to somehow “make-up” for how others feel about her? They don’t matter. She matters. Her unborn child matters. But the thoughts of how “others” feel should NEVER matter!

But this whole great, loving act of adoption encourages pregnant women to have such feelings about themselves. They need us to doubt who we are . . . what we are. Need us to believe we will be failures before we ever try. Only then can they assure another baby for the waiting family writing the check. Only then can they guarantee the billions running into the adoption industry.

Which of course this manual also has an answer for as well . . .

- - The birthmother . . . often refers to adoption as an “industry,” rather than considering it a social service in the best interests of the child. - -

Yes, because those of us who actually hurt, suffer unending grief and live everyday with the truth of what adoption has brought to our lives just can’t see that adoption is really all about what is best for the child. That’s it. Money doesn’t matter. The kind of counseling they encourage doesn’t matter. What matters is that domestic infant adoption only has the best interests of the child involved and those of us who say otherwise are just bitter because we feel as if we weren’t treated “right." And of course, that is wrong, but it just doesn’t happen anymore . . .

- - Women should never feel forced into adoption, and when they are, the system has failed them. Thankfully, such occurrences have become quite rare. The younger birthmothers felt they had made their decisions voluntarily, and as a result, they “owned” their decision. - -

And how exactly do they encourage the “young birthmothers” to make this “free choice?” By making sure the pregnant mothers understand how parenting would be just a terrible, awful thing they are not prepared for and that adoption is a “GOOD and LOVING” choice . . .

- - Encourage them to act out those lives in their minds, including the LONG HOURS spent staying up with the colicky children only to be followed by even longer hours at work and school. - -

But, of course, don’t’ tell them what it is like to walk in the room and have your child hold out their arms to you, wanting only to be held and hugged by their mother. Don’t tell them about the excitement of your child’s first step, of that sweet, unforgettable sound of their padded diaper hitting the floor when they wobble and fall on their small rear sides.

Don’t tell a pregnant woman how many other mothers have said and continue to say every sacrifice they have made for their children is worth it. Don’t let them know that, yes, it won’t be easy and they will have tough times, but it is worth it for your child and the love you have for them.

Nope. Don’t tell them that. Instead make sure they understand how truly hard and awful it will be if they try to raise their child on their own. Stress how unprepared and wrong they are for being the ones to raise their OWN CHILDREN . . .

- - Birthmothers know that they would be stressed from maintaining a job and handling the challenges of single parenting. They fear their child would suffer from her emotional instability. - -

And if that doesn’t work, go for the extreme . . .

- - The stress from single parenting would be so great that they could become abusive and physically harmful to their children. - -

I could go on and on but I’m afraid this post will get to that length that it becomes too much to read and loses those who have followed along so far.

So I will try my best to wrap up my point and hope others will see, and hear, and feel what kind of tricks the adoption industry not only uses, but has no reservations about encouraging such uses, to ensure more available infants for hopeful adoptive couples.

There is much more to their “suggestions.” Like, in so many areas of adoption, they, of course, have to bring God and his “plan” into it . . .

- - (Quoted from a first/natural mother) – “I believe it is divine intervention. We believe there is a reason for everything.” (Which the manual then points out) This birthmother sees her child as a gift from God to a childless couple. Birthmothers’ faith also allows them to feel reassured about their adoption decisions. - -

And if all of that doesn’t work, if in the end, all their tricks fall on deaf ears the minute the pregnant woman holds her child in her arms, they have their final ammunition. The very thing that sent my son home with another set of parents when all I wanted was to keep him. The trick they know will, more often than not, work in the end and battle against the love and desire to parent a mother feels the minute her child is first placed in her arms . . .

- - As the process moves along, birthmothers begin to see their babies as belonging to the adoptive parents and not to them. - -

This insight doesn’t come as a problem to be addressed. Something that shouldn’t happen and is so wrong to put any women through. The above statement comes under their section titled, “Birthmothers’ Resolved Feelings and Beliefs about Adoption that ENABLE Them to Choose Adoption.”

This is part of what they see as a “GOOD” thing. A feeling they encourage and see as the right reasons for a woman to lose her child. They use this quote from a first/natural mother to prove just how “right” this practice is . . .

- - “I tell myself the baby is not mine. This baby is not for me . . . I thought more about the couple and what they would think about when I gave them the baby.” - -

I was her. I was that woman who put the adoptive parents feelings before my own. In the hospital, I wanted my son. I wanted to take him home with me. I wanted to be his mother. But I didn’t. I walked into that nursery and placed him in his adoptive mother’s arms because I knew how she felt and felt like a monster for taking away the child SHE wanted. Her feelings were what ultimately made my decision.

I hated myself. Still do at times. I didn’t lose my son because in the end I believed I wouldn’t be a good mother but because I felt terrible for hurting the couple who wanted to raise him as their own. I put their feelings before all else and have had to struggle with that knowledge, that failure of my own strength and ability to fight for my son, my entire life.

And yet, the devils that are the NCFA encourage this very thing. See it as a way to ENABLE a pregnant woman to give up her child for life. They like it. Want it. And don’t give a damn of how wrong it is.

Throughout this entire manual they stress time and time again that adoption is “freely chosen” by a pregnant woman. That it is her “voluntary” decision. And yet they started off by paying to have research done to figure out how best to convince a woman to choose adoption. They encourage over and over again the “greatness” of adoption without ever listing a single risk that comes with it.

Over and over again they stress how a bad mother is one who chooses to raise her OWN child and the only way to be “GOOD” is to give your child up. To admit you are a failure, unable to be any other kind of mother to your own child and that only someone else “better” than you will also be a “better” mother for your child . . .

- - Help potential birthmothers see that choosing adoption can be what it means to be the best mother possible. Encourage them to consider their babies’ needs and their own desire to do what is best for their babies. -

And this encouragement, in their mind comes with having the pregnant woman write down what her concerns are . . . school, money, etc . . . but instead of presenting both options to her fairly by informing her of the different means that exist to help a pregnant mom with finances and schooling, it is only suggested to point out how she isn’t good enough because of these concerns. NOTHING is mentioned in this manual about how to help them look into their options of parenting as well. NOTHING is mentioned of how parenting can also be a good option. Only adoption. That is the ONLY option that will make a pregnant woman a GOOD mother.

And as they encourage negative talk about parenting, they also encourage only positive stories of adoption . . .

- - Put together a book of meditations for pregnant women who have decided to place babies for adoption. These books could include a variety of birthmother stories that reassure women with unplanned pregnancies that adoption was right for many other women with similar circumstances and may be right for them. - -

Sounds a lot like the book I talked about in my Dear Birthmother post. Of course, there is no mention in letting them also know of the other truths I also listed in that post. Don’t dare tell them about the other side of adoption. Don’t let them know about the grief, the trauma so many first/natural moms go through.

Don’t dare to mention that adoption might cause ANY problems with adoptees. In fact it is much better to not even mention a single thing adoptees are saying about some of the problems they face by being adopted and instead just continue to assure the pregnant mom that her child will NEVER have any problems by being adopted. Will ALWAYS love her and never feel as if they were abandoned.

And all this while declaring over and over again how the pregnant woman, of course, has free choice.

This just needs to stop. The acceptance of such things isn’t right. Why does the majority of society continue to see such actions, such manipulation as acceptable? Why do they support pushing adoption on a pregnant woman without thought to the risks involved?

We are cheating so many mothers and their children. Leaving them helpless in the hands of those who believe they are better than them and use this belief to control their decisions in any way they can. And when they are done, they toss them carelessly to the corner since they are no longer of use.

We can’t keep doing this. Can’t keep letting it happen. I hate to think of first/natural moms twenty years from now suffering as I, and so many others have. I can’t stand the thought that it will still be allowed to happen. That money will still dictate how we treat human beings and that it really isn’t that hard, even in today’s world, for a powerful side to control and force a “common” outlook of those on the weaker side without question to what their motives are.

Nobody deserves to be treated in such a way. So why does it continue to, not only happen, but be so widely accepted in society today?

When will we stop fighting for the good of the adoption industry and start fighting for the good of keeping mother and children together?


  1. ((((Cassi))))

    I haven't yet finished reading the full post as I have to get ready for work, get the kids sorted but I will be back later to finish it. Just wanted to let you know how terribly wrong and sick, really and COMPLETELY demented, ill and warped the crap is in this book (of what you have thus far quoted). YOU ARE A FABULOUS MOTHER... I KNOW its hard to accept this and believe it but it is the truth. They worked us well, they knew what they were doing and I hope they pay when the time comes for their day of Judgement before God. I am sorry you have yet again had to relive the painful past, had those painful memories dredged up... but please know you were, are a victim of these monsters, as was/is your son and family. Adoption isn't just happy at picking apart mothers and babies; it works on destroying entire families and generations. I am really sorry Cassi, you should never have had to suffer this pain. Much love and hugs,

  2. Cassi,

    Such an important post -- I'm so sorry you had to relive your painful experience yet again, but I think this is probably one of the most significant posts ever. You've highlighted the deliberate and cunning brainwashing WITH THEIR OWN WORDS. And you've armed mothers with tools of resistance.

    Thank you.

    adoptive mom who would never condone such tactics

  3. I read this a while back. I also want to mention that NCFA wants to make sure female adoptees feel good about adoption so that they too can relinquish a child. There is a higher number of female adoptees relinquishing compared to non adopted females.

  4. Honestly, I don't see anything wrong with this book or anything you quote it as saying.
    What is so wrong with encouraging adoption for those women who obviously cannot parent their own children?
    You were only 16 yourself, do you really think you could have handled the responsibility of raising a child? I know my son's bm could have never been able to properly parent. She was only seventeen, still living at home with her parents and not even out of high school yet and the father was long gone. Do you really think she should have been allowed to parent a child in this situation? She knew her child deserved a life better than she could offer and she made the ultimate sacrifice by giving him that.
    Really, when it comes to giving a child a better life, I don't know why so many want to discourage adoption.

  5. "Really, when it comes to giving a child a better life..."

    What is a "better life"?

    Anonymous, do you view "birthmothers" as 'the other' - in other words, they do something you could NEVER see yourself doing? (ie. relinquishing)

  6. Okay I read it all but started just skimming when you got to the part about listing out the difficulties with parenting.

    It's just too much.

    I relinquished to an agency that belongs to the NCFA (Bethany) and therefore contributed indirectly to getting this awful drivel published and also uses these techniques.

    I am just so triggered right now I want to throw some dishes or something.

    It's brainwashing. The genius of it is that it's done so subtly that they get women to think they ARE making their own decision--but the reasons a woman quotes for her decision? Her ideas about why she should relinquish? They get planted there by the industry.

    I just feel sick, utterly sick, used, violated, manipulated, disrespected. Dehumanized.

    To the commenter who sees nothing wrong with this--you've been brainwashed yourself. I'm sorry, but you have.

    FWIW these tactics were used on me and I was 21, engaged at the time of relinquishment, and entering my senior year of college.

    Now what do you think--was that a necessary adoption? Two and a half years later I gave birth to my second child and kept her and parented and she's just fine. Just two and a half years later.

    As for "should a sixteen year old be ALLOWED to keep her child"--well, let's see. If your spouse or partner dies, should you be ALLOWED to keep YOUR child? If you lose your job, should you be ALLOWED to keep your child? If you get diagnosed with a disease, should you be ALLOWED to keep your child?

    Or should someone else swoop in and start convincing you that you're no longer worthy of being a mother and your child would be better off with a new mom?

    Think hard about what you're saying. Very hard.

  7. I always get a kick out of the "16 year old mother" comments, as if she will be 16 forever.

    The only people who should not be "allowed" to keep their children are abusers....everyone else has an inherent, natural, basic human right to raise their own children.

  8. Anon, too gutless to leave a name huh? So you are one of tese sick and warped people who thinks it just fine and dandy to coerce, bully, threaten and brainwash women into separating themselves from their children? Adoption is not even second best; it is at the bottom of the crap heap of choices and really, in a world where intellectual, TRULY intellectual people who really understood the dynamics of family, adoption would be thrown out like the piece of trash it is.

    As a person who condones this rubbish, you are guilty of being a part of a regime hat rips people apart. Maybe you need to grow a heart... or better still a brain.

  9. Anon... I just saw you are an adopter. Makes perfect sense, you are responsible by creating your sick demand. Your poor, poor son having to grow up with a sick person like YOU.

  10. (What is a "better life"?)
    Mei-Ling - I see a better life as one where the child has two parents, a stable upbringing, the confidence of never having to go without basic, and even extra needs being fulfilled. Why cheat children out of these things when there are so many couples out there who would lvoe to have a child to provide a great life for?

    (Anonymous, do you view "birthmothers" as 'the other' - in other words, they do something you could NEVER see yourself doing? (ie. relinquishing))
    I'm not exactly sure what you are asking. No I could never relinquish my children but I have tried many years to have children so my situation is different than my childrens bm's situation.

  11. Paragraphien - I don't believe I am brainwashed. I can just simply see reality and that it can be better sometimes for a child to be adopted. You say you are a great parent to your second child, and I believe that fully. I also believe you are a great parent to your first child for giving her a chance at a better life. I would never doubt a bm couldn't be a wonderful parent to children she has later in life.
    And your questions about should I be allowed to keep my children don't make any sense. We aren't talking about after a child already has a loving bond with his or her parents. I was talking about infants who haven't yet formed that bond.
    Really I'm not trying to make any angry. I have a tremendous respect for bms.

    1. The bond begins in pregnancy but if you have never
      been pregnant, you would not know that. You would
      not know what it is like to give birth to your baby.
      You only know how to take a child someone else
      has carried and labored to bring into the world.
      Better life or different life?

  12. "I have a tremendous respect for bms." What do bowel movements hve to do with anything?

    Your warped views are nothing other tha that; warped, and self serving. I know many wonderful single mothers whose children have never lacked anything. A ring on your finger does not a good mother make. You have never had a child so you wouldn't know what it is like to be a mother... hence your statements here are null and void.

  13. "I also believe you are a great parent to your first child for giving her a chance at a better life. I would never doubt a bm couldn't be a wonderful parent to children she has later in life."

    The thing is, Anon, I didn't give my first daughter a better life. You're assuming I did. You're also assuming that I wasn't capable of being a great parent at the time I relinquished.

    I didn't give my daughter a better life! I gave her a different life.

    "And your questions about should I be allowed to keep my children don't make any sense. We aren't talking about after a child already has a loving bond with his or her parents. I was talking about infants who haven't yet formed that bond."

    They make perfect sense. You think it's okay to manipulate someone into giving up their child if they're a teenager. What if someone else thinks it's okay to manipulate someone into relinquishment because of a spouse dying? Or the loss of a job? Or developing a serious illness?

    Would you appreciate it if that person then tried to manipulate YOU into giving up your child?

    "Really I'm not trying to make any angry. I have a tremendous respect for bms."

    The thing is, it doesn't sound like respect. It sounds like condescension. You've assumed I gave my firstborn a better life--why? How do you know I wasn't capable of providing just as good a life as the one she has now?

  14. "We aren't talking about after a child already has a loving bond with his or her parents. I was talking about infants who haven't yet formed that bond"

    Just saw this pearler. If you didn't want a child to be placed after they formed a bond with their parents then why the hell did you adopt? For your information, babies can only ever BOND with just ONE person, the mother in whom they grow for 40 weeks. They form attachments to others, ie adopters etc, but they cannot bond as bonding is a chemical process, a physical process whereas attachment is just emotional and needs based. So if you want to stop a child bonding before your rip them out of his/her mother, you need to tell her to get an abortion.

    The way you talk about mothers is highly disrespectful. Your lack of compassion for other women and mothers in their plight proves beyond any shadow of a doubt that you have not one maternal bone in her body.

  15. "Mei-Ling - I see a better life as one where the child has two parents, a stable upbringing, the confidence of never having to go without basic, and even extra needs being fulfilled."

    Well, damn. Guess I should go tell all those divorced parents that they shouldn't be raising children. After all, if they're divorcing, they're not living in a STABLE two-parent home together. Right?

    The ironic thing is, after I was relinquished, my sister was born. Did she go without basic needs being fulfilled? No. Did she starve? No. Did she live on the streets? No. Was she abused/neglected? Hell no. She was raised PROPERLY. *gasp*

    Her family - AKA my original family - is the same as mine, with the exception of longer labour hours, but that's about it. I don't see enough of a significant difference to claim I had the "better life."

    "Why cheat children out of these things when there are so many couples out there who would lvoe to have a child to provide a great life for?"

    Why not reach the source of adoption and have people try to FIX IT rather than go on long-winded spiels about how children are suffering in orphanages?

    Children do not magically land in orphanages, Anonymous. I'm sure you realize that. They HAVE families - it just so happens that tragic circumstances happen and not every country has the benefit of 1st world economic privilege to DO something to support those families. Children do not just appear out of thin air and land in orphanages. Someone BRINGS them there. Someone FINDS them.

    And what happens before the orphanage? What, is the history gone just because we don't know what it is? Do the bio families matter any less just because we can't place a name or face to them?

    Children's histories DO NOT START in orphanages! Neither do their basic rights!

  16. Anon,

    I'm going to go at this as gently as I can because a lot of what you have said has, and will hurt and anger many others. So I'm going to approach this from a belief that you have just taken your first steps into the painful side of adoption and were up until then living in the "bubble" where so many reside.

    First, when you use the word "respect" and "bm" in the same sentence, you completely contradict yourself.

    The previous posters have made some great points so I will try not repeat them but I hope you will take to heart what they are saying.

    And I will start by asking the question you asked of me . . . "You were only 16 yourself, do you really think you could have handled the responsibility of raising a child?". . .

    YES. I don't "think" it, I know it. I was only 18 when my second son was born and was actually, in mnay ways, in a worst spot than my first pregnancy because I spent a year on a downward spiral after losing my first son. And yet, my second son is nineteen now and has grown into an amazing young man. And I did not remain a teenager forever. Like everyone, I grew older every year. I earned my college degree, built a life and did it ALL while parenting my children and always putting them first.

    And yes, I believe firmly your son's first/natural mom should have been ALLOWED to raise her son. Infact, I believe she should have been encouraged to parent long before adoption.

  17. Anon,

    (Cont) - there is NEVER anything right with EVER manipulating somebody into losing their children. NEVER.

    Paragraphein in her first comment talked about feeling violated and dehumanized and that is exactly it! All this crap they feed into society and launch at a pregnant women is done to create more "available" babies. It creates the very thoughts you have because people believe they are right. They allow the same message to be fed into their minds that are fed into the minds of pregnant women without ever realizing it is all done for a "self-serving" purpose.

    Imagine, for just a moment, trusting somebody, believing them and believing they were relating to you for your own experience. Helping you for you and nothing else. Now imagine coming out of that suffering the worst loss of your life and then reading a disgusting manual such as this and seeing EVERYTHING they said to you, told you, had nothing to do with you or trust or help. BUT had everything to do with getting your baby. Everything they said, they did was a lie and to make it worse they will use your experience to learn how to make it even easier to get the next women's baby.

    That is what is the truth of this disgusting "how-to" manual. And they top it off by feeding the same bullshit into society itself, marketing through whatever avenue they can, under the same pretense of actually caring and wanting to help. They feed it in any way they can as the truth so that the women who they violated and degraded face a world where so many believe what happened to them was "right."

    Like Mei-Ling pointed out, even children in orphanges don't just appear there and Myst is right, there is a bond before birth even happens. Something happens to these moms before these children are ever separated from them. Imagine what would be the very worst thing in your life that actually ever make you even consider being separted from your child? Can you even come up with anything? It's unimaginable so how does it happen then? What happened to these mothers? What forces existed that ultimately separated them forever from their very own children?

  18. **I always get a kick out of the "16 year old mother" comments, as if she will be 16 forever.**

    I have the grey hairs and wrinkles to prove we don't stay that age forever!

  19. **NCFA wants to make sure female adoptees feel good about adoption so that they too can relinquish a child. There is a higher number of female adoptees relinquishing compared to non adopted females.**

    That is just even sick to think about. They want adoptees to feed more babies and first/natural moms to turn around and become paying customers. Again in their own words . . .

    --Let Birthmothers know that they can still parent children one day. Encourage Birthmothers to adoption children.--

    They just have all avenues covered don't they.

    It's disgusting!

  20. Okay, I will admit that I don't believe in manipulating or pressuring anybody to place their child for adoption but I do question the belief though that the baby should stay with their mother no matter what, except for (I think one person mentioned) abuse or threat of injury.

    I don't think anybody should be forced but I also think there is a need for adoption to provide homes for infants that wouldn't have much of a life with their biofamily.

    Studies do show that children do better in two parent homes and we all know it takes a lot of money to raise a child. How can we relaly expect to not atleast offer adoption to pregnant woman who aren't able to provide these things.

    And I am not trying to start arguments. I'm really not. I'm just curious why some think adoption shouldn't be an option when there is proof that it does provide a better life for certain children.

  21. "I don't think anybody should be forced but I also think there is a need for adoption to provide homes for infants that wouldn't have much of a life with their biofamily."

    The question is: WHY wouldn't they have much of a life with their biofamily? WHY are they being abandoned?

    Adoption. Does. Not. Start. In. An. Orphanage.

  22. "Studies do show that children do better in two parent homes and we all know it takes a lot of money to raise a child. How can we relaly expect to not atleast offer adoption to pregnant woman who aren't able to provide these things."

    But correlation doesn't equal causation.

    There was a study done once that found that people who eat Fruit Loops are healthier than people who eat health-food cereals for breakfast.

    Does that mean Fruit Loops is actually better to eat?

    Nope. The thing is, the people who ate Fruit Loops were younger; the people who ate the healthy cereals were older. With older age comes more health problems.

    But if all you know is that people who eat Fruit Loops are healthier than people who eat Cheerios, it looks like the cause of the better health is the cereal choice. But it's not--it's a correlation, not a cause.

    So here's the question: yes, children in two-parent homes do better than children in one-parent homes.

    But how do you know that the two parents is the CAUSE of the child's success?

    It's entirely possible that whatever contributes to chronic divorce and singleness is what's also responsible for poorer outcomes for kids--it's entirely possible that it's not that having two parents is in and of itself a huge causal factor.

    Besides all of which.... does it matter?

    You believe kids are better in two-parent homes, so you believe adoption is a good solution for a single mother. But does adoption even guarantee a two-parent home? Of course it doesn't. Adoptive parents get divorced. And single moms get married! There are situations in the adoption blogosphere itself that show this scenario... there are women who were married shortly after relinquishing, who gave their children up, only to have the adoptive parents of their child divorce after the adoption!

    And still, besides all THAT, there's the problem of the slippery slope. Again I will ask: what happens when someone decides YOUR family doesn't fit the definition of "better" or "best"?

  23. i could barely read the post because the language used in the manual is outright false and offensive if not seems i am either a selfless saint or a worthless sinner.

  24. and to anonymous - there is no such thing as a better life. only a different life. the best life is for babies to remain with their natural parents. im a single mom of a 12 yr old and we are doing just fine.she is happy and healthy. very smart and gifted young woman. too bad you think she doesnt deserve that with her real mother. writing off birth moms, SHAME on you.

  25. Right on. Thanks for posting this.

    NCFA was started, as I understand from some folks, when Bill Pierce did not become the head of the Child Welfare League. But even he believed that records would be open one day, and told Florence Fisher just that.

    Lorraine Dusky
    from Birth Mother, First Mother Forum

  26. Cassi- This was stomach churning to read. It is not your responsibility to hand hold an AP (like anon) but I applaud you for trying. For some APs there is a butterfly effect and some never can emerge from the safety & shelter of the chrysalis. The inherent pain and loss in adoption is a difficult pill for APs to swallow. I know it didn't go down easy for me.
    I am deeply alarmed by the encouraging of the mother to emotionally remove themselves from the baby and the potentially damaging ramifications this could have for the child's in utero development. So scary.

  27. Once again, everybody is "blaming" adoption on their choice for getting pregnant & placing? The only true way to avoid adoption is to use birth control, plain and simple! If you aren't in a stable place to parent your child on your own ( without 24/7 help from your parents, then use birth control!

    I don't understand, here you are willing sleeping with a man and NOT using birth control- and you know the consequences! To expect your parents to raise you, your siblings, your child and take care of themselves, is a very selfish thing to do to YOUR family members! Everyone knows that most teen moms end up getting pregnant again right after the first one, and guess who has to raise that baby too, grandma and grandpa...again!!

    I think the best way for you to inform women about the pains of adoption is to teach them about using birth control.



  28. Anon, you really are one of the most sorriest exscuses for a human being I have seen in a while. I pity the children you adopted and will pray you one day find a heart because right now you obviously don't have one and are outright nasty. May you learn before it is to late and you have caused irreperable damage to others and cannot take it back.

  29. I feel slightly sick after reading all of this. I am so sorry. As an adoptive parent, I don't know much, but I do know that:

    I do not offer my child a better life, necessarily, but definitely a different life.

    I absolutely recognize the subtle and overt coercive techniques used in this pamphlet.

    Adoption is a dichotomy of loss and gain, pain and joy, with the adoptive parents benefiting the most.

    While society definitely focuses on the personal responsibility of the first parents during an unplanned pregnancy, it rarely turns eyes back on itself. What support exists for those in crisis pregnancies?

  30. "Anon, you really are one of the most sorriest exscuses for a human being I have seen in a while. I pity the children you adopted and will pray you one day find a heart because right now you obviously don't have one and are outright nasty. May you learn before it is to late and you have caused irreperable damage to others and cannot take it back."


    You know what one of my pet peeves is? When the bmother criticize amothers because she doesn't agree with YOUR adoption agenda. How can you sit here,in judgement, and say you feel sorry for my child ( as if I am a bad mother) when we
    ( amoms) are taking on your responsibility and raising ALL of our children? Who are you to judge how we ( amoms) raise our children, when you can't/couldn't raise your own?

    To all the bmoms out there I understand your hurt, but whose fault is it you conceived a child you weren't able to raise?

  31. Oh Anon, you are digging yourself deeper in your own excretement. No one is taking on MY responsibility. And I am not accusing you of being a bad mother because that would mean you are a mother. No, what I said is I am sorry fot the child you adopted. Not YOUR child, a child that was born to his/her MOTHER... not you.

    And I can judge you all I like after what was done to me and my family. I don't give a crap what you think; you are doing NO ONE a favour and unlike real adoptive mothers who actually have a heart and can see and validate the crap mothers have been through - there have been a couple here already commenting - you are nothing but a perpetrator of these crimes; a person who revels and delights in the hurt she causes.

    You have no idea what my story is; but due to your volunteering of the information of your story, I know you probably got your child through unethical means which is sick. You are not deserving to be a mother and have not earned that title. Like I said, you are a sorry excuse for a human being and I deeply pity any child who has the unpleasant experience of being in your care.

  32. I am the first anonymous poster and I want to stress that I AM NOT the anonymous poster that so harshly attacked you ladies.
    I know I have (had) differing opinions and I have actually been reading what you all have had to say and am putting some thought to it before responding back but I DO NOT want to be mistaken for the other poster who thought it was okay to come onto another's blog and lash out in such a way. And to do such a thing on Mother's Day too is just wrong. I am very sorry for that.

  33. Anon (9:43am), Thank you for clarifying.

    Anon (1:30am & 7:26am), I don't believe in deleting comments from my blog, which is why yours will remain. I also do not expect everyone who reads my blog to agree with what I, or others, have to say, but I do expect and civil and respectful discussions to take place.

    I, myself, will not respond to any points you might have made in your comment because I believe it is a quick and cowardly attempt to try and discredit what other's are saying by attacking them with claims purposely meant to trigger hurt and anger. It's a way to get your point across while evoking overly emotional responses from others in return. And with those responses you will find your justification for how you "view" first/natural mothers and be able to declare we are just bitter and angry and have nothing to say that is worth hearing.

    It's a common tactic I see often in the world of adoption. Instead of having a two-sided discussion, it's easier to try to simply draw one side out, knock them down and walk away as the seen victor.

    And I hope others who do comment to any points you might have made will not allow themselves to fall into this trap and will remain respectful. Not because your actions deserve such a thing but because anything less will be giving you what you seek in your need to silence us.

  34. Diane - I agree 100% with the worry of the damage it can cause a baby in utero if you are encouraging the mother to separate from her child during that time. We are no longer naive enough to believe that such an action doesn't affect that baby in some way. We should never be encouraging this on any pregnant women, no matter what the situation.

    Jackie - I think you got some great answers to your questions. I hope you will come back if you have others.

  35. **Adoption. Does. Not. Start. In. An. Orphanage.**

    I think Mei-Ling and Tonggu Momma both have hit on something very important - The "WHY and WHAT."

    WHY are mother's abandoning their children? WHAT is being offered for crisis pregnancies? I believe we are failing so many mothers and children in this area, in identifying what forces exist that bring them to that point.

  36. "To all the bmoms out there I understand your hurt, but whose fault is it you conceived a child you weren't able to raise?"

    So... the punishment IS the child, then? The child is a mistake for even being born?

    If you say yes to that, I am very sorry to hear that. Because most people don't bear children just to give them away or abuse them or neglect them. Most people have humanity and the decency to ensure the little one is cared for before relinquishment.

    Or is it the CIRCUMSTANCES into which the child has been born?

  37. Many thanks for being brave enough to order this book and for being brave enough to write about it. As a reunited adoptee who was separated from my mother and the rest of my natural family for over 34 years, I find it difficult to read such blather. Do the adopters who've written comments realize that if a newborn smells his or her mother for five minutes, they both remember the smell for the rest of their lives? Do adopters have any idea how much it screws up an infant to be permanently separated from that child's mother, even if placed with wonderful folks? If adopters really care about a child, why don't they use the money that they pay to buy a child to instead keep the mother and child together? The adoption industry has been very slick in separating moms from their children and many, many moms, dads, and their adult children who've been adopted out are suffering as a result.

  38. Celeste BillhartzMay 12, 2009 at 3:47 PM

    Celeste Billhartz
    The Mothers Project

  39. Cassie, Please e-mail me about your request.

    Thanks and I am sorry that you had very ugly comments made to you here.

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  43. Anonymous said: "Everyone knows that most teen moms end up getting pregnant again right after the first one"

    *Gasp*! I have heard the same scandalous rumor about women in their 20s and 30s and even 40s too! God-awful, isn't it? I guess we should ensure that no more of these irresponsible "repeat conceptions" ever occur? No matter what the age of the women who gets "knocked up" a second time".

    Get off of it. Young mothers are just as responsible as older mothers.

  44. I am an adopted person....

    In my 'bitter' opinion, the reason my a-mother didn't have any children is because whatever force exists in the Universe knew she was completely incapable of caring for a pet, let alone another human being. Let's put it this way...I have a permanent heart defect from a common infection that was untreated because spending $80 at a Doctors office was unthinkable.

    Long story short, she's dead, and I could really care less.

    This is my problem now: I have made contact with my mother last year. My adoptive mother was her Aunt, and I made it a point to ask if she indeed knew that my adoptive mother (and adoptive father for that matter) was an utter idiot and dangerous to leave an infant with.

    She said she very much did know it, and occasionaly wondered if said adoptive parents would kill me. No apology was included.

    I feel very stuck now...rejected on both fronts you might say.

  45. To the "Anonymous" post of May 10, 2009 1:30 AM:

    Your comments re: birth control and sexual responsibility are very judgmental and not at all appropriate to this discussion!

    Even the BEST of birth control can fail. I know. I became pregnant after a tubal ligation! I was a 25 year old college student with a very shaky marriage and a two year old child already. I had a lot on my plate, and it was probably one of the stressful times of my life. I couldn't go through with an abortion, but I knew if I tried to raise two children alone I would be miserable. So I chose adoption...without regret! I felt it was the best decision to make at that time. I am so sick of people who constantly like to think that all birth mothers/first mothers are just pining away and 'sentimental.' I'm tired of those who put us down for 'giving our babies away.' At least we didn't abandon the children in a dumpster or murder them in an abortion clinic. I say people ought to just leave birth mothers alone and quit with the judging about such a highly personal decision. Having shame and guilt imposed on us is the last thing we need in our lives.

  46. thanks for going to so much trouble to make everything so user friendly and easy to understand.