Saturday, April 25, 2009

What Is A Mom

I know I am hard on adoptive moms, and hopeful adoptive moms, here on my blog and I don’t apologize for it. But I do think it is time I step up to clarify that my feelings and the comments I make about adoptive moms do not encompass ALL adoptive moms. I know, with my experience and my son’s experience, I could very easily slide into the habit of clumping every adoptive mother together into one group, doubting and disliking everyone in that group without ever giving them a chance or truly reading or hearing what they have to say.

And honestly, when you spend so much time in a battle for adoption reform and you come up against, over and over again, so many adoptive moms who want to dig a hole in the sand, and stick their head in, who try their hardest to discredit you by calling you crazy, bitter or angry, it sometimes seems almost too easy to fall into the mind-set that they ALL want to believe adoption is great, has no affect on first/natural moms or adoptees and is a right they deserved for their saintly ways.

But I know it isn’t right and there are adoptive moms that remind me I can never say ALL when I refer to adoptive moms. It will never be fair for me to toss them all in that same group, see them outside of the true light of the kind of moms they are.

I don’t fall for the argument I see so often from adoptive parents. The justifications they throw out, repeating themselves and others like an old skipping record. The one that always starts with the same words . . .

I am my child’s real mom because . . .

This is always followed by some variation of . . . I changed their diapers . . . stayed up with them at night when they were sick . . . helped them with their homework . . . etc, etc, etc.

My first reaction to this argument is . . .

So what?

Those are all actions. Something a nanny or babysitter can, and often, does. Yes, that means you are providing for your child’s basic needs but that, to me, is NOT what makes you a mother. That makes you a good caregiver.

So what is a mother then? What is it that I believe some adoptive moms understand that others don’t?

To me, being a mom is based first, and foremost, on unconditional love. It is the realization that no matter what might have happened to bring a child into your life, the minute you hold your child in your arms, it has NOTHING to do with a need they are fulfilling in you and EVERYTHING to do with their own needs.

I’ve heard more than once in my life the saying . . . “Being a mother is the most thankless job there is.” And not only is that statement true but, I believe, that is exactly how it should be. Being a mother means knowing you may never hear the words “thank you” from your children but are always hoping they know that there is NO ONE in the world they can count on to be there for them like their mother.

It’s about giving them the capability to love and believe in themselves. To know their feelings will be validated, understood and never discounted. That our own insecurities or emotional needs do not restrict or hold our children back from finding and being who they truly are.

And, unfortunately, so often in the adoption world, I find adoptive moms who don’t seem to understand the importance of this. They want to find a way, with everything they have, to deny that their child will EVER face issues from being adopted, instead of putting that same fight into giving their child the confidence and trust that they can go to them with their feelings about adoption, no matter what they might be.

They want to declare they are the only or real mom because they do this, that, or the other instead of offering their child the confidence in who they are and in the very real fact that they have two mothers who play a part in their life.

And they want to believe, to the point of absolute denial, that adoption is truly only about greatness and love without accepting the darker side. That they are truly the only ones who could have given their child the “best” life and are superior in some way or another to the first/natural mother who suffered a great loss before they ever had a child to call their own.

These are the moms I speak about here on my blog. The moms who hold that title as their “badge” and leave me wondering where exactly their child fits into the mix.

But, as I said, there are others. Those who keep me grounded when I want to lash out at all because I’m hurt or my son is hurt. Those who seem to be rare but do exist.

To me, these are moms. These are the women who offer true unconditional love to their children. Who love them with all their heart and want only what is best for them and their lives. They aren’t digging those holes, burying their heads as far as they can go. They are, instead, doing whatever it takes, fighting whatever battle there is, being everything they can for their children. Because that is truly what it means to be a mom.

So, here, I want to share them with others. I don’t currently have links from my blog to adoptive moms (something I am considering changing) so I want to lead others through this post to them . . .

There is Malinda . . . Adoption Talk

And Margie . . . Third Mom

And Dawn . . . This Woman's Work

Three amazing women . . . three amazing moms.

And there is one other. She doesn’t have a blog I can link to. But she is someone who I know I am so lucky to have as a wonderful friend in my life. She is a member on a “networking” site where we first came to know each other almost a year ago and she is a member known by so many others as one who believes passionately in adoption reform, the importance of keeping an adoption open and doing everything and anything it takes for her children.

She has faced her own struggles, own moments of insecurity, but she has never given up. She fights for change but fights even more for what is best for her middle son who she adopted. And even as she faces her own struggles through life, parenting and adoption, she is always there for others who hurt as well.

She has been there for me in ways that still to this day amaze me. She has been there for her son in exactly what anyone should expect for a mother carrying unconditional love.

And she is there, stronger than many, in her voice for reform and more awareness in the world of adoption.

She, and her amazing friendship, offered my first step into realizing I couldn’t judge all. And she continues to be, along with the other three great moms I shared here, my reminder that there is hope. There is a reason to continue to stand up and speak out in some of the most negative arenas for a first/natural mom.

And, most important of all, that the true meaning of being a mom does truly exist, no matter how you might have become a parent in the first place.

34 comments:

  1. Yeah, maybe it is just me, but being a mom, an "adoptive mom" probably means you shouldn't call your son's natural mom "the most fucked-up piece of shit that ever lived". Yep, this is what I got called for driving 6 and a half hours in a snow storm to see my son. It was her opening comment in a 30 minute tirade that took place in her drive way in -20 degree weather at midnight 2 weeks before Christmas. Nice thoughts to ponder on my 6 and a half hour drive back home in an even worse snowstorm.

    The last words she ever spoke to me, and with luck the last she ever will.I can only hope that you are right, that she is in no way indicative of what all adoptive mom's really feel about their son's and daughter's natural mothers. She is the only one I know, so have nothing else to base my reality on.

    Denise

    ReplyDelete
  2. Denise - from someone who was told by her son's amom that she was nothing but a whore that gave birth, I understand completely what you are saying.
    It is hard sometimes not to assume all adoptive moms carry the same attitude - and pass it on to their adoptive children - when you don't have any other experience to base it on. And, like I mentioned, it's even harder when over and over again you hear the majority of adoptive moms in other forums and their blogs have the same hatred and the same need to justify that they are the "only" mom for their children.
    I hope you will read the blogs I listed here for another side. Though these adoptive moms, I believe, are in a very rare minority, it does help sometimes to see that hatred isn't there in everyone and that some don't just automatically hate us all either just because we are first/natural moms.
    They don't change my own opinions about unnecessary adoption but they do help hold me up on those days when I just want to hate everyone involved.
    Hugs, Denise. I know you are going through such a hard time right now. I hope things change for the better for you and your son very soon.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I cant believe these things were actually said to yall! thanks for acknowleding that not all adoptive moms are like that!

    ReplyDelete
  4. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Cassi -- I am unbearably moved and honored to be listed on your blog with such kind words.

    And I am horrified to hear what you and Denise had to put up with from your children's amoms (suddenly that "a" stands for something else!).

    For some adoptive parents it takes a while to learn what you have so eloquently expressed, Cassi. We can be an incredibly insecure lot. I hope you will continue speaking your truth, so that adoptive parents can learn and grow and mature into true parenthood as you describe it.

    ReplyDelete
  6. IA - I am SO happy you are back to the adoption issues you are passionate about. I've missed your wisdom.
    MamaBear - Though I haven't had a chance yet, I have bookmarked your blog so I can go back and read it.
    Malinda - In all honesty, I had to grow and mature too and reading yours and the others blogs helped me along. I really started out being very angry at every adoptive mom and it took awhile for me to even pause on your blogs and actually read what was written. I knew from skimming that you three had said something so different to say than most amom blgs I came across but I didn't want a reason to not be angry at everyone so I avoided it for an awful long time before realizing I was no better than many of the adoptive moms who I critize for being in denial and refusing to listen when others speak up.
    Insecurities, and I think, also fear, can hold on pretty tight. I didn't want to come out of my denial and face the truth of my son's adoption for a long time and when I did, the realization knocked me to my knees for a long time. It is scary to open yourself up and look at adoption differently, especially when it's easier, in our minds, to believe "not me" and "not my child."
    So I see courage in everyone, first/natural and adoptive moms, who have stepped out of their comfort zone and faced some of the hard truths that exist out there!
    And your blogs have taught me just as much as you say mine has taught you!

    ReplyDelete
  7. I am very honored to be included and also ashamed to read what other adoptive parents (particular the parents of your own children) have had to say. They don't know what they're missing by keeping their hearts shut up tight. I'm just so sorry that they are able to make decisions that impact their kids and their kids' first moms in such horrible, negative ways.

    ReplyDelete
  8. "you shouldn't call your son's natural mom "the most fucked-up piece of shit that ever lived"."

    My god.

    (I know many adoptive parents aren't like that... but still. Holy crappola.)

    ReplyDelete
  9. Cassie & Denise- I am so sorry that you had that kind of pain inflicted upon you. It is vile and shameful at best.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I am pretty tough, and i can have a thick skin when it is necessary. I don't care what mom son's a-mom thinks of me or even says to me. What i worry about every single day is what she says to my son, and what she has said to him over the years. Not about me, not at all, but the negativity about my son himself. If she has the nerve to say things to me about him I can only imagine what he has had to listen to his entire life. It makes me so sad, in so many ways. He chooses right now to try and make the best of it, as he has said to me "I have to live with her so I do what I have to." He feels he has to be grateful to her. He is just a really nice kid, too nice to tell her what he should. But i can continue to hope that one day he will realize he has an alternative, he can be here with us, his mom and his dad and his little sister, should he so decide.Fingers crossed, it won't be much longer.

    Denise

    ReplyDelete
  11. Quit whining! The amom was there for the child physically, mentally, and emotionally-she is THE MOM! If anyone can "change diapers, wipe snot and kiss boos" then WHY weren't you doing it ? Let's be honest, a lot of bmom try to justify the "caregiver" title towards amom because SHE (amom) took on YOUR responsibility and did a GOOD job at it! As an adoptee, I will say this: anyone can make/have a baby but not everyone can be a GOOD PARENT.

    Ladies, please, do yourself a favor and acknowledge that the amom is the "real parent/mom" because she took on YOUR job!She was there when you weren't

    ReplyDelete
  12. Anon- What in the world compels you to mud sling at a first mother who was coerced into relinquishing her child and did so with the best of intentions? As you are an adoptee- I don’t know what personal experiences you are bringing to this discussion. As an adoptive parent – I can tell you that in our family there is plenty of room for multiple ‘real’ mothers all playing different roles in my girls’ lives. I feel no need to be the sole owner of the ‘real’ title.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Diane:

    You are the "sole owner" of the title " real mom/mommy/parent" rather you like it or not- because you earned it. If you are a good mother your child will ALWAYS be loyal and love you. What I don't understand ( as an adopte) is all the amom bashing? Could it be envy/jealousy because she took on the bmother's responsibility and did a excellent job at it? And as for the "caregiver" comment, my amom isn't my caregiver she is my mother! If anyone can be a caregiver, then how come the bmom could'nt do it?

    P.S. I'm not an angry adoptee; I have a wonderful relationship with my bparents, and if my bparent would every call my aparents my caregivers believe me, the relationship would be over!Diane:

    You are the "sole owner" of the title "mom/mommy/parent" rather you like it or not- because you earned it. If you are a good mother your child will ALWAYS be loyal and love you. What I don't understand ( as an adopte) is all the amom bashing? Could it be envy/jealousy because she took on the bmother's responsibility and did a excellent job at it?


    P.S. I'm not an angry adoptee; I have a wonderful relationship with my bparents, and if my bparent would ever call my aparents my caregivers believe me, the relationship would be over!

    ReplyDelete
  14. P.S. Sorry about the typo!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Anon - I will come back to this post to comment further, I am just at the moment in the middle of trying to get my blog back into order.
    But I did want to pop in real quick and clear something up - I am sorry if my post sounded to you as if I was calling all adoptive mothers caregivers. That was not my intention. For the record, I believe ANY mom who only goes through the actions of raising their child without including the other things I listed here that I think are very important in raising a child would be seen, by me, as doing what a caregiver can do. They could be first/natural, adoptive, foster, step . . . in my opinion it's the love and acceptance and encouragement for your child that makes you a mother.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Anon,

    I am happy to hear you have a great relationship with your natural parents. I too would be angry if someone called my parents caregivers. Would you be so vehement if your a-parents said some of the things above to your natural parents? Would you be done with them as well?

    ReplyDelete
  17. Anon:

    To answer your question, no I would not be upset if my aparents said the same about my bparents ( which they have not). People have to remember we adopees have a history and memories with our aparents AND they are the only parents we know. And as I said before, if the amom was/is a good mother she can do no wrong in her child's eyes.Remember, she was there for us; she took on your responsibility when you couldn't or didn't want to raise us, and she did an EXCELLENT job at it!

    So please, to all you ladies that curse your child's amother with such vehement, remember she is your child's MOM/PARENT and she is priority when it comes to loyalty and love ( as it should be if she's a good mother). What you say about her determines how the adult/child interacts with you, trust me!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Anon,

    It must be very easy to live in such a black and white world. And so nice for your a-mom to know that no matter how she chooses to behave, in your eyes, that is A-OK because she is a saint who can do no wrong. I have a feeling the "B-parents" you feel you have such a great relationship likely walk on egg shells constantly when around you, lest you deem they have misstepped.

    ReplyDelete
  19. **Remember, she was there for us; she took on your responsibility when you couldn't or didn't want to raise us**

    Anon -
    I don't know you or your situation so I of course could never try to tell you what experiences might have happened in your past. But I do know many first/natural moms from many different generations. Some were never given a choice, they were forced to give up their babies. The book "The Girls Who Went Away" has the true stories of some of these girls and though it is heartbreaking to read, I think everyone, involved in adoption or not, should read it.
    I also know many first/natural moms who could have raised their children if they had been encouraged to parent and given the support and help they deserved instead of being told they would not be good enough for their children and if they loved them they would given them up. And though there may be some moms who didn't want to raise their children, every first/natural mom I know desperately wanted to raise her child but never even had the chance to try.
    I am very glad your parents were great because the alternative to that is a terrible thing I hate seeing a child go through. And I am sorry again if you came away from my post feeling as if I was stating that adoptive moms were just caregivers to their children. That was not my intent at all and there is not a single place in my blog where I take away from the fact that they are their child's mom. I firmly believe adoptees have two moms in their life and I don't agreee with any mom, adoptive or first/natural, who says otherwise. But that doesn't take away from my belief that being a mom is so much more than just the physical actions. I believe it's about putting your child's emotional needs first as well and giving them the confidence to be whoever they want and the security of knowing they can come to you with anything, even if it is something we might not want to hear and doing everything you can to do whatever is best for them over doing what is best for us.

    ReplyDelete
  20. "remember she is your child's MOM/PARENT and she is priority when it comes to loyalty and love"

    Adoptee here. Out of all the things that made me cringe when reading Anon's responses, I do confess I absolutely agree with the above paragraph.

    People see me and hear I am adopted - bam! "Your mother must have been poor/crack-ho/mentally unstable!" Stereotype after stereotype just based on the premise that she relinquished me. That is called black & white thinking without listening as to WHY, or even bothering to approach the idea that there might be more to relinquish than that.

    I used to blame her, Anon. I used to think "Well YOU sighed the papers so it's your own fault you relinquished me." God, was that ever immature thinking. Thankfully after about half a year, I grew out of it.

    My mother is not a bad person. Call her my 'birthmother' if it makes you feel better, but to me, she isn't. She is NOT my incubator nor my breeder. She was a person who carried me in her tummy, held me, talked to me, and then said goodbye to me. She is NOT an evil person, nor was she a bad parent. How do I know?

    Because she raised my biological sister, and my sister turned out just fine.

    "Birth"parents to you may not be deserving of the word "parent", but I believe they could be considered parents in the noun form (as obviously the verb form doesn't necessarily apply). They can't parent, but they sure as hell can love. And I believe that should count too, if just for respect and honour.

    You say you have a great relationship with your bparents and love your aparents, but you come across as hostile. I'd believe you if you weren't so ready to leap on the rest of us and shriek about how all these "birth"mothers signed the papers...

    ReplyDelete
  21. Mei-Ling:

    No ones bashing bmoms, all I'm saying is that I cringe when I read about amom bashing. The amom had nothing to do with the child being adopted, and I understand how some amoms are possessive of their children, but that's no reason to bash them.

    Let's be honest, I think for most bmoms it has to do with envy/jealousy towards the amom, which I can understand. She was the one who raised the child and she is the one,if she is a good mother, who can do no wrong. In short, she is priority.

    Not to down play the role of the bmom, but some people don't want to understand that the love and loyalty the amom receives comes from being a good hands on mother-she earned it.

    Cassie (?)

    You are right, and I agree, an adoptee have two mothers, each with a special role. I just get angry when I hear/read about amoms and how they feel "entitled and are selfish". They're just mothers who are protective and love their children very much, like any good mother.

    ReplyDelete
  22. "No ones bashing bmoms, all I'm saying is that I cringe when I read about amom bashing."

    I know, but it's really no worse when bmoms get bashed all the time, either.

    "The amom had nothing to do with the child being adopted"

    In some cases they do. But in most of the cases they don't necessarily. So, yes and no in different accounts.

    I mean, yes, the bmom did sign the paper. But it's also important to take into account the events that led UP to signing the papers too. People don't just wake up one day saying "Oh I'm going sign away my baby." No. There are all sorts of factors which lead into it that must be taken into consideration.

    "and I understand how some amoms are possessive of their children, but that's no reason to bash them."

    But then it's not okay for some bmoms to feel possessive of their child? It's not necessarily
    "right", but it is *understandable*

    There will always be people who say "Well SHE signed the papers so she shouldn't bitch about how seeing her child with the amom makes HER feel."

    I used to agree with that sentiment, but it does get more complicated than that, esp in open adoptions.

    Yes. They signed the papers. No, they might not have been ready at the time.

    "Let's be honest, I think for most bmoms it has to do with envy/jealousy towards the amom"

    But I don't think it's necessarily just based on the factor of envy/jealousy. Envy/jealousy tends to be more out of direct spite than online heartache and grief.

    Just my opinion.

    "She was the one who raised the child and she is the one,if she is a good mother, who can do no wrong. In short, she is priority."

    What would you say about those who relinquished a child and then went on to have subsequent children? You see, it can be far more complicated than it seems on the surface. Just because one can't parent Child #1 doesn't mean they would have sucked at parenting and it doesn't mean Amom is necessarily "better" than Bmom. Amom raises the child but that doesn't always make her a better person by default - she's parenting. And she is *supposed* to - she's raising a CHILD.

    Yes, she should get appreciation for that. But it's also something *she* wanted to do as well, don't you see that?

    It's not about a contest here, it's about respecting the different roles. And it's easy to get caught up into the semantics of which role is more important.

    ReplyDelete
  23. "What would you say about those who relinquished a child and then went on to have subsequent children? You see, it can be far more complicated than it seems on the surface. Just because one can't parent Child #1 doesn't mean they would have sucked at parenting and it doesn't mean Amom is necessarily "better" than Bmom."

    Mei-Ling:

    OK, you're diverting away from the conversation and what I said. Where in the world did I mention who's the better mother or how the bmom may not be parenting the first, but her second born, so one can't judge if she would have been a good mom to the first? I said the amom, if she is a good mother, IS priority to the achild/adult and how the bmom relates to her IS priority to the adult/child.That's why I said ( before Cassi explained it to me) if my bmother would have called my amom my caretaker the door would have been slammed shut!

    "Amom raises the child but that doesn't always make her a better person by default - she's parenting. And she is *supposed* to - she's raising a CHILD. It doen't mean's she a better person,"

    It means IF she is a good mother, who is doing an excellent job raising her child, she will have the unconditional love and loyalty that she has earned. I think all people ( adopted/bio) would agree a child's love for his/her parents is based on how much of a good parent they were to them.

    "It's not about a contest here, it's about respecting the different roles. And it's easy to get caught up into the semantics of which role is more important."

    I totally get what you're saying here, and I agree each mother plays an important role in the adoptees history. To me it's not about competition, it's about the bashing.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Wow Cassi, what a hornets nest!

    Anon, get over it, please... you ar emissing the point entirely and no one is bashing adopters here merely stating what has been SAID by adopters... and I have heard worse.

    As for mother bashing (ie the MOTHER that gives birth) yes, you are doing the bashing so quit your own whining. I hear this crap from a lot of people and this is just another one... doesn't promote an adopters cause at all rather it solidifies everything that is said about them!

    ReplyDelete
  25. Oh and Denise... I agree, you shouldn't be called those names by someone who holds your son captive. She doesn't deserve the title of mother after all the things she has done to him... manipulative old cow.

    ReplyDelete
  26. "Anon, get over it, please... you ar emissing the point entirely and no one is bashing adopters here merely stating what has been SAID by adopters... and I have heard worse."

    Myst:

    Maybe, but has it ever occurred to you what was said by them was in response to what some bmom said to them first? Like I said before,I do think it's envy/jealousy towards the amom because she took on the bmom's responsibility and did an excellent job at it! I also think too it's because in the achild/adults eyes, she (amom) can do no wrong, and for some bmoms, it's heartbreaking to see/know.

    "As for mother bashing (ie the MOTHER that gives birth) yes, you are doing the bashing so quit your own whining. I hear this crap from a lot of people and this is just another one... doesn't promote an adopters cause at all rather it solidifies everything that is said about them! "

    Where have I bashed bmoms? I have a good relationship with my bparents; I respect them and UNDERSTAND what they did (it was in MY best interest). I just don't understand the hatred towards the amom?

    I get that some amom (especially the ones from the BSE) may have stereotypes of bmoms but they are/were the product of their times. Today's amom,I believe, is BENDING OVER BACKWARDS to please the bmom ( even if she doesn't deserve it). I have read too many OA stories of bmoms overstepping boundaries and demanding things (like calling themselves mommy and saying THEY ARE the child's "other/real" parent and overstepping the aparents rules), that I cringe at what some aparents "put-up with", it floors me! I wouldn't put-up with it, to be honest.

    ReplyDelete
  27. ***Maybe, but has it ever occurred to you what was said by them was in response to what some bmom said to them first?***

    Anon - here is an answer for you . . .
    http://adoptiontruth-casjoh.blogspot.com/2009_02_01_archive.html

    This post was not meant to bash on adoptive moms. Yes, I spoke out about some and I stand behind what I said. I do not think every adoptive mom is a terrible, nor do I even believe the adoptive moms I do speak out about are neccessarily terrible people in their everyday lives.

    I understand you have different views, and that is fine. But my views are not the same. My views(of the adoptive moms I do speak out about) are based on the many times I see first/natural moms and adoptees speaking out about adoption and being dismissed by adoptive moms and told they are bitter, angry, or ungrateful. They are based on seeing adoptive moms make promises of open adoption to a pregnant woman and then closing the adoption once they have their baby. And on the predatory tactics used to find a pregnant woman in the hopes you will be allowed to adopt her unborn child.

    And as I have said, this is not how I see ALL adoptive moms but those are the adoptive moms I have and will continue to speak out about. I don't believe that is bashing. Nor do I speak out because of envy or jealousy. I speak out to try to educate, to share my story and my son's story. To hopefully work toward making changes in adoption and how it is practiced and percieved in today's world.

    As for open adoption, I agree complely that there need to be agreements and boundaries on both sides but an open adoption isn't for the first/natural parents. It isn't a favor adoptive parents are doing for them or something they should have a right to just close for things such as not liking the first/natural mom calling herself "mommy."

    Open adoption is about the child and what is best for him or her and I don't believe either side has a right to take that away from their children. It isn't always easy, for either side, and does bring about misunderstandings and disagreements in some cases but as I have through this post and these comments - being a mom means putting your child's needs first.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Cassi:

    I get what you're saying and I respect your opinon, although not on the OA part (wink)!

    Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Anon... I just think you are 100% misguided and I will leave it a that. Regardless of how you see your adoptive 'mother', it doesn't change the fact to Nature, the mother is the mother who gave birth to the child and it is the jealousy on the behalf of the adopters who cannot have their own children that drives them to say the callous, evil and disgusting things they say. I'm not jealous of my daughter's adopter; but she is of me because she can never be me or have what I have.

    Myst

    ReplyDelete
  30. Myst:

    With all due respect,you are the type of bmom that makes me angery!

    Do you have a good relationship with your child or her amom? If not, why? Also do you respect YOUR child may see the amom as her"mom/parent" and not you? Like I said before, I "get" the hurt the bmom feels when the love isn't returned from the child, but to blame the amom for that-I don't buy it!

    Even in an OA, the child knows the aparents as "mommy/daddy/parents" and the bmom/dad is like a close aunt/uncle because of the roles they have in the child's life. And to be honest, people adopt a child to become parents; they don't adopt a child to raise them for you! I have read too many blogs and forums criticizing aparents for just being aparents; I have read many bmoms laying the "guilt" game on aparents-and they had nothing to do with the bmom placing her child OR being in a situation where she can't/ doesn't want to raise her child. It's not right and it's nothing but envy towards the amom because she was more prepared to parent.

    ReplyDelete
  31. Hi Myst,

    Thank you for your support. Yes my son's a-mom is an angry, bitter old cow, who holds my now almost 20 year old son emotionally hostage from his natural family. One day she will pay for it dearly, I know that in my heart.Your support is more appreciated than you can imagine.

    As for you Anon...give it up and give it a rest. As Cassi's blog says you can judge us when you have walked two decades in our shoes. Till then find someone else to bash, or better yet go talk to your "b-mom" and get some true perspective.

    Denise

    ReplyDelete
  32. I still don't think it has anything to do with envy/jealousy.

    ReplyDelete
  33. ***I still don't think it has anything to do with envy/jealousy.***

    I don't think so either.

    ReplyDelete
  34. "The amom had nothing to do with the child being adopted"

    Actually, anon, you are wrong here. Consumer demand for healthy white infants has EVERYTHING to do with why perfectly capable mothers are forced, coerced, pressured, and lied-to in order to get them to surrender their babies.

    My son would never have been abducted for adoption right at birth, violating the criminal code, if it wasn't for a waiting list of several hundred "deserving couples" that the provincial government was desperately wanting to provide babies for. Read social wrecker manuals and instruction books from the 1950s thru 1960s and you see them moaning about the social problem of "unhappy childless couples."

    It is why white women were forced into maternity prisons while black women were given the resources to keep their babies.

    Adoptive parents who go to an agency and express desire for a baby -- market demand -- have everything to do with the 32 years of research done on how to obtain more babies for the market, how to get more mothers to surrender their babies. I know because I have copies of their published studies.

    ReplyDelete