I look at the date of my last blog post and can’t believe it’s been almost three months since the last time I added anything. I have had so many thoughts running through my head that I have wanted to type up and add but just couldn’t bring myself to form them into an entry while the holidays were upon us.
For me, it wasn’t a sad time causing my holiday break. It was a happy time. A time when I wanted to savor and enjoy every moment of my first holiday season with ALL my children together, in our house, sharing every wonderful moment of the season.
And keeping that happiness meant fighting off the reminder of anything relating to adoption.
Was it yet another form of denial for me to travel into?
Would I have changed it for anything?
I had all of my children, ALL of them with me as we sat down for Thanksgiving dinner. Nobody was missing, no hole in my heart as Christmas Eve and Christmas day dawned in a way I could only dream of for two decades. A dream of seeing the smiling faces of my three boys and my daughter, joking and laughing, enjoying and loving what we have all longed for.
Everything I ever dreamed of but would never allow myself to truly believe would happen, came into existence for myself and my family this year. There was no empty hole in my heart knowing I was missing a son who should be there with us, celebrating everything that makes us a family through the holiday season.
The depression, always hitting on Christmas night as the realization my oldest son’s birthday sat just two days away, never found a place inside me, never launched me into the weeks of darkness I have faced for so many years.
And I selfishly wanted it all. I wanted to take every moment of this time in my life and savor it with every fiber of my being. I wanted a time myself and my family would never forget, would always carry deep in our hearts. The memory of our first holiday season together as a complete and whole family.
Of course, I could never completely forget how adoption has affected my life and taken so much from me, but I could, and did, keep it at a distance, for a short time, so that it’s dark shadow did not loom over us.
I haven’t given up on my fight. And I am back, with as much, if not more determination to speak out about adoption. But the few months I took. The few months of celebrating and savoring every moment of my COMPLETE family is something I know I will never forget and would never trade for a million blog posts within this vast internet world.
In Other Words: Susan Harness and Sandy White Hawk
24 minutes ago