Friday, October 3, 2008

A Family Saved

So I've battled this one.

You know, those tiny voices in your head, arguing over what you should or shouldn't do? What's right and what's wrong?

That has been my morning. A back and forth, carrying me through the morning while trying to make my decision.

My dilemna - a recent post on a hopeful adoptive mom's blog. Do I link to it? Do I not?

Usually, I don't face this problem. But this post is a mix. One of a message I want to relay. And yet, one that is obviously an emotional time for another woman. And how far do I want to go to get my point across?

I've done the "tit for tat" argument. My anger taking the lead, screaming that hopeful adoptive parents don't show too damn much concern for the mother and children who are separated at birth so why should I, a mother who lost, care about their feelings.

I've rationalized the, you sent it out into the vast openess of cyberworld so you knew the risks. The words part of a public domain just as mine are here on this blog.

So why should I care about linking to this site? Why should I even give it a second thought, especially since the feelings shared were powerful enough to spur me into writing this post?

It was, for the most part, a one-sided argument until one little fact insisted on popping up, changing my outlook, reminding me to practice what I preach . . .

Simple human kindness.

I firmly believe - and have stated on more than one occasion - that society is losing this one important trait. We've lost it somewhere in the grind of doing better for ourselves. In the pressure to be more, do more, prove our worth to those around us.

But I cannot be one to desire this if I am not willing to offer it in return.

So, my decision has been made. I will still use what I can from this woman's post. I will still make my points, show where I am in disagreement. But I will respect that whether or not I agree with the reasons, this woman is hurting now. And I will not step far enough over that boundary to lead others to her while she is in a difficult, emotional state.

I will though, use her words (I never claimed I was a Saint) and use mine to bring my point to this post, and hopefully, bring some light to the ways some hopeful adoptive parents view the separation of a child from it's mother . . .

*Well, the adoption failed today*

Sorry but I don't see it this way. Like a wonderful woman in one of my online groups pointed out - it's not a failed adoption, it's a family preserved.

*The birthmother had me come in to watch while he was born*

First and foremost, she wasn't then (and thankfully isn't now) a birthmother. She IS the mother of HER CHILD. That's it. No need or reason to add anything else to it. Calling her a birthmother at that point is wrong and manipulative.

And, though it's wrong and coercive, woman are encouraged to invite hopeful adoptive couples into the delivery room. It's a tactic used by the adoption industry in the hopes of preventing the mom from changing her mind by getting her to bond with the hopeful adoptive couple so she will take their feelings into account. They are told that it's what is best for their baby. And it's nothing more than a plain out lie. What's best is for hopeful adoptive parents to have absolutely no contact with the mom until AFTER she has given birth, recovered and had a chance to try and raise her child on her own. Being there in the delivery room was an unfair situation to put that mom in, whether she invited you to be there or not.

*Then we had him all to ourselves all day Sunday*


Why would you do this to her and to her child? That baby needed, and deserved, to be with his mother. To be in the comfort of the one who's scent he knew, voice he recognized. Why would you think it was okay to come in and break this bonding time between mother and child, no matter what the circumstances were.

You cheated not only the mother but the baby as well.

*On Monday, the birthfather's dad offered them a large chunk of money to keep the baby and today they decided to get married and raise the baby themselves. We are sad and feeling a little betrayed*

Again, he wasn't - and isn't now - the birthfather.

The way you worded this made it sound like somehow there was a terrible scheme going on. I wonder just how big the "chunk of money" was that you were willing to pay to adopt this baby. Somehow, I'm sure though, in your mind, this was different.

A grandfather stepped in, offered the financial support this couple probably desperately needed so that the baby could stay with it's family. Be raised by his mom and dad and never have to wonder where he came from or why he was lost to adoption.

Damn! Where do you think of the child in this? Does it really have to be all about you and your feelings? This baby has parents who are getting the help they need from extended family. They have decided to get married, to become a family for their child. And yet, you are critizing them for this?

I guess, for you, it was more important you got the baby then the baby getting the life he deserved.

*I just wish that if she felt this uncertain about everything that she wouldn't have acted so sure and had us be such a big part of her life*

You are the one who willingly walked into the coercive tactics of pre-birth matching. YOU formed this relationship with the mom for one reason and one reason only - YOU WANTED HER BABY! To in anyway blame her now for this relationship is ridiculous! Don't blame this mom because you were desperate enough to do whatever it takes to get a baby to call your own.

As for her acting so sure - no mother can ever be "sure" about adoption until AFTER her baby is born. She wasn't uncertain. She, plain and simply, didn't know. Holding your baby for the first time in your arms can change everything you are feeling. To finally have a reality to the tiny life you have been caring for and loving for nine months is a huge moment for mothers, no matter what their situation is. This mom acted like billions of other moms have after giving birth. Looking into the eyes of your child for the first time can have a powerful effect on a mom and the love that swells is more powerful than any other emotion experienced.

*So, keep us in mind and tell people that we're "back in the market" for a baby who needs an awesome family*

Excuse me! I had to read this line over again just to make sure I didn't miss something.

You're "back in the market" for a baby?!?!?!

I've been in the market for a car, a house, a new pair of shoes. But I have NEVER been in the market for a living, breathing human being. Is it really your view that babies are to be bought like material items?

I just can't believe this is even something you would think to say, much less put to words on your blog!!!

What I see here is a family that was saved. A family that will grow and learn from one another. Mom and dad doing what we do, sacrificing, giving, loving their son.

I see a little boy who will never have to wonder why. He will never feel as if something is missing. Never wonder about where he came from, what his roots are.

I see a miracle here. One I wish would bless this world more than on a rare occasion.

They may not have the money or the success this hopeful adoptive mom has but they have each other. They have their son. And their son has them.

Life, here, has moved forward exactly as it is meant to be!


  1. I think this is a great post. Good job at breaking it down and keepin' it real. Real is what we need, and I thought you did it respectfully too!

    well done!

  2. Wow. I would so love to read the original post, but respect your decision not to share the link. This post was well-written and from the heart and just so happened to be the first post I have read on your site. I look forward to learning more about your own story.

  3. My goodness, Cassi, just when I want to give adopters some little benefit of the doubt and then one of them shows what far too many are like. It's really sad to see someone who's so very inconvenienced by a family's staying together. Doesn't that fact in and of itself say a whole lot about the adoption industry? If this potential adoptress is infertile, I am very sorry. Wanting a baby and not being able to have one is a terrible thing indeed. But taking or coveting someone else's baby is not the solution.

  4. Oh wow, what a fabulous post! I respect you for deciding not to post the link to this lady's blog, even though I can see it would have been tempting. I doubt it would have helped in either case as I am sure she is so blinded by her own pain right now she wouldn't be able to see what wrong she was doing.

    I really love how you broke down her post into snippets and replied to each piece. From what she has said though, I think you needed too. What she has written is sadly typical of so many presumptive women hoping for another woman's child. In my own case, I even had the woman ask me if she and her husband could be present so her husband could cut the cord. Fortunately, when the time came, I ran away to have my baby but that didn't stop us being separated in the end.

    Thank you for another brilliant post. I really enjoy reading your blog as it feel as though some of your posts mirror what I am thinking and feeling myself!


  5. Excellent job at illustrating the "entitlement" mentality displayed by far too many PAPs!

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