Saturday, October 18, 2008

Desperation IS NOT Choice

The fairy tale that breeds and grows between hopeful adoptive couples and adoptive parents needs to end. And it needs to end now.

The myth that slithers through the disgusting world of adoption needs to be exposed for it's lies. For the dark truth that boils underneath the "happy, happy, joy, joy" version of adoption that is tossed around so carelessly in our society.

The plain, simple, bare-fact truth is - there is not now, nor has there ever been - any such thing as "choice" for a mom about to lose her child through adoption. It doesn't exist. Never has existed. And until there are major reforms in the adoption world - it NEVER will exist.

I have read so many statements from adoptive parents who swear up down and around that the first/natural mother of their child knew exactly what she was doing. Was not pressured or coerced in any way. That her loss was based fully on choice and nothing else.

To these parents, I have to say - it is now time to pull your head out of the sand and look at the obvious truth that sits in front of you. The truth that happens day after day, year after year to expectant mothers every where.

And for those of you eagerly awaiting the "new addition" to your family. Setting up your nursery, writing the disgusting "Dear Birthmother" letters, reassuring yourself that some woman will freely surrender her child to you to raise as your own, you are just one of many who have fallen into the trap of this naive thinking. One of many who are being guided, educated, to not only look past the coercion of adoption - but to be a participant of it.

Really, I find it so hard to understand how some can believe a woman truly "chooses" to lose her child. It's the most unnatural process there is, separating a mother and her baby. And for the majority of women out there, it's desperation NOT choice that drives them to this point. A desperation that blinds them to their own ability, their own worth and makes them easy prey for the billion dollar adoption industry just waiting on the sidelines for a chance to jump.

I know there are some who have just experienced that swift kick to deny this in every way possible. Go ahead . . . knock yourself out. Yell, scream and holler your denial, in the end it still will not change the obvious.

Choice involves being informed and educated on ALL sides. Choice consists of an equal balance of knowledge between your options.

Billions of dollars falls into marketing adoption to pregnant women. Thanks to the disgusting practices of the NCFA (National Council For Adoption) our government even pays for - with our tax dollars - a program created on the sole basis of teaching those who come into contact with women in crisis pregnancies how to best "sell" the goodness of adoption.

Where is this same effort given for a pregnant woman to keep her child. Where is the billions in marketing to let her know of the programs that exist so she can continue her education, get financial help while she builds a life for her and her child, find support to assure her she can be a good parent? Where is the government paid program teaching counselors the best ways to guide a pregnant woman to the services available so she can keep and raise her child?

Making an "adoption plan" IS NOT choice when there is a lack of the same importance given to making a "parenting plan" as well. Meeting and getting to know a hopeful adoptive couple and all they have to offer IS NOT choice when there is no meetings with the different programs and charities who will help a mother keep and parent her child. No chance to sit down with them and also learn, detail by detail, all they have to offer.

It goes beyond just telling a pregnant woman such help exists. To be a "choice" she MUST have the same interaction with those who can help her keep her baby as she does with those who encourage losing her baby.

In today's world, those who are supposively helping a pregnant woman make a "choice" are either trained by those who make a profit through adoption or are in a position where their paychecks are based on a woman losing her child.

Where is there any hint of choice in that?

Where can anyone ever be assured the first/natural mother of their child was in no way coerced or manipulated?

Desperation, especially when it comes to our children, is a terrible place to be. It's a frame of mind where it's difficult to think straight. To find the answers that might be right in front of us, yet are missed because of the turmoil we suffer inside.

Women in that state of mind MUST HAVE counseling from an unbiased party. A counselor paid for or trained by the adoption industry is far from the one to help her make a choice when they walk in with a mindset already of what "choice" they want to push on her. In their eyes, her desperation is the sign they need, the motivator to encourage adoption and discourage parenting.

Nobody should ever have a right to discourage parenting to a pregnant woman. Nobody should dare to encourage her to lose her child, to separate that bond between them. And yet, it happens day after day, and is, for the most part, considered acceptable by our society - thanks to the generous marketing budget of the adoption industry feeding the greatness of adoption into every aspect of our lives.

If you really truly believe the first/natural mom of your child made a choice, ask yourself a few simple questions . . .

Was she given counseling outside the adoption industry?

Did that counseling involve addressing her desperation and the reasons behind it?

Was she offered guidance and help in locating the different programs available for helping her keep her child?

Did anyone, at any time, actually support her in finding these programs, help her understand exactly what they offered and how she could be sure she was eligible?

Was she at any time told she was brave and selfless for surrendering her child?

Was she informed that there was a high percentage of mothers who have lost their children to adoption who have never gotten over that loss and have found the pain becomes even more severe over the years?

Was she told that adoptees may feel abandoned and that some may spend their life struggling with issues brought about by adoption?

Was she told her child's right to his or her own records will be restricted?

Was she offered the same tax credits and financial incentives to keep her child as you were offered by adopting her child?

Did she believe she wouldn't be a good mom because of financial, career, educational, or relationship reasons
. . .

Can you truly answer these questions and still believe the first/natural mom lost her child by choice rather than desperation? Can you really believe if she had been offered the help she and her child deserved she would have surrendered her child?

And isn't it far past time to answer these questions and see the truth of adoption today? We need to move past the belief that it is okay to separate a mother and child when there is no real reason and move toward a belief that the most important thing we can do is support keeping mother and child together. Encourage the building of a family rather than using adoption to tear it apart.


  1. Oh, another fabulous post cassi... yours should be published in a book to show the ignorant the underbelly of adoption.

    Thank you again... I am still amazed that there is someone out there who can pull out what I am also feeling an cannot express and post it so eloquently.

    Myst :)

  2. bravo! thank you thank you thank you:*)

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  5. Cassi,

    I am a mother that has walked in the same shoes as you for over 4 decades.

    It doesn't get easier with time in fact in gets worse.

    Loved your post but most of the adoptive parents could NOT answer one of those questions.

    You know why they DON'T care they want a baby and what they want is all that matters.

    The baby is secondary the mother who cares she can just "get over it" after losing her baby.

  6. Wonderful, truthful post. You would think in this day things would have gotten better than they were in the 40s-70s, but they haven't. There is such an incredible greed for babies, it's disgusting. I hate the fact that adopters get money and tax breaks, but no money is offered to the REAL mother. Disgusting.

    Thanks for a very enlightening post, I only hope lots of adopters will read it.

  7. Not all adoptions are about desperation and some mothers choose adoption, not as an option because of reasons you all think, but because of a concept such as paying it forward, or their option instead of abortion. Just because psychotic haters like Improper Adoptee think adoptive parents are moochers doesn't mean we are. We can have both natural and adopted children, some of those adopted as 3, 5 or 7 years old. Would IA adopt an older child? Would she even open her home to a child that isn't hers? NO SHE WOULD NOT. Without adoption, those children suffer their entire lives. This is what you'd want?

    Not everyone's eggs are not viable and a reason to adopt. Jumping to conclusion, spreading rhetoric, it's almost something to laugh at but too pitiful to.You all never think about LOVE BEING A REASON. Not selfishness or money or profit in anyway but pure love. Some would adopt and give money to the mother and not pay a penny to a middleman if possible. You all put effort into that and let's change the process, OK ladies? Not all the mothers want the baby, not all the mothers choose to keep them for reasons you all assume, some want to give their baby to a family for their personal reason, who are you to judge their reason and assume their reason, do you know these girls and young woman that choose like this? what if an adoption industry wasn't even involved? What do you say to that then? Did they take over their brains like fairytale alien abductions and make them give their babies away?

    Maybe the resident psychic IA can answer all these questions. Nah, she'll just give biased one sided horsepoop answers.

    You all need to stop hating on the parents who adopted and loved those they made part of their family just like their natural children. All mine know nothing different, each treated the same. you all judge like gods of some sick cult.

    IA's eggs haven't worked since 1985. Of course she'd blame everything on bad eggs. Jealously of women who give birth in their 30's and 40's.

  8. maureenlynn - while I respect your right to post your opinion here, please do not use my blog as a personal attack on someone else. While I am aware others have expressed frustration and anger in their replies as well, they did not mention names or pull one person out for attack.
    You very clearly came on here and unfairly went after another poster who never singled one person out in her response here. Yet you felt this was the place for you to single her out.
    You can agree or disagree all you want on this blog but DO NOT use it as a place to single out and personally attack anyone.
    Thank you.

  9. what you say is true.
    what struck me most is the fact that as a birthmom I did not know that I would be causing any future hurt for my birthchild. I know different now. It IS unfair that alot of expentant moms who are disadvantaged do not receive the support that adoptive parents recieve when they adopt.
    People are all really senitive to this stuff.
    Even though I love and will always love not only my own birthchild but all children I will never understand the reasons that drive people to adopt. I will always regret my decision to place my birthchild. I know I probably would be a better mom than the adoptive mom. You are very brave to state all the facts like that.
    thank you for posting.