Saturday, October 11, 2008

Another Angry Day

Adoption sucks!

Yes, today is one of those days. A day when I am in that mindset of just being angry.

A day when I just really can't rein myself or my feelings in. When the ability to try and appeal with the "facts" instead of the "emotions" has disappeared from reach. Left me with the frame of mind of just being mad at everything and anything that has to do with this disgusting industry working to separate mothers and children everywhere.

I hate adoption. I hate it in every form and every way.

I hate the hopeful couples waiting for the next desperate, confused, heartbroken woman who feels she has no choice but to lose her child to them. I hate the adoptive moms who hear the pain-filled voices of the mom's who have lost and shove them aside to nothing so they can continue to believe adoption is a wonderful thing. I hate the church loyals, trying so desperately to convince themselves and the rest of the world of their "Godly" mission to rip a child from his or her mother's arms.

I hate it all today.

And this almost over-powering emotion is like a burning canon ready to explode over everyone and anyone who takes it upon themselves to preach the "greatness" of adoption. To blindly view it as such a great, remarkable act in which a poor, needy child is miracuously rescued by some perfectly wonderful couple so deserving to be parents.

The blinders that are worn tear like fierce claws through my skin. The absolute disregard for the suffering brought on by adoption is a constant fist squeezing around my heart, draining me of any and all ability to approach the topic in a fair and informative way.

I know it's a wrong approach, but on days like today, I don't know how to push myself past these feelings. When again I learn more of the truth my son faced, of the ugliness his childhood was BECAUSE of adoption, I struggle unsuccessfully to find a way to bring my voice to a use of good when I want only to use it for the anger raging inside.

How does anyone make sense or find a way to get past the ugly visions of your son being tasered by a son-of-a-*itch uncle who thought his position as a volunteer police officer gave him the right to abuse whoever in the hell he wanted.

How do you work past knowing he spent his teenage years being told over and over again that he wasn't wanted in the family. That he didn't belong, didn't deserve to be recognized as one of them.

I hate it! I hate every bit of it! And I just want to reach out and make them all pay. Hurt every last one of them in the same way they hurt my son.

I want the world of adoption to end completely so that no other child, no other soul, has to suffer in the way my son did. I couldn't protect him. Couldn't save him from the monsters who were supposed to love and support him in every way.

And I can't change it for him now. Can't do a damn thing to turn back the hands of time and take him away from that hell.

A hell he lived through without ever knowing I was on the other end thinking of him, loving him, never, ever forgetting about him.

And they made sure he didn't know. Made sure any ties to myself or the rest of his family didn't exist. Wasn't there to atleast give him some comfort that we loved him and cherished him and missed him every day of our lives.

I had one last area in his adoption I foolishly trusted. I had believed, up until today, that for the first five years of his life he recieved the Christmas and Birthday gifts we sent, the letters and pictures that kept him a part of our family.

I have spent the past year blaming his adoptive father for no longer passing on his gifts after his fifth birthday, when he and his adoptive mom divorced. Believed, in some naive part of my mind, that his adoptive mom would have of course still passed on these gifts and letters if she had just received them.

But like all else in adoption, lies became the truth of my beliefs.

Never once did the letters and pics I sent ever reach his hands. He had nothing. No words, no images from us to know of our love, of our always existent thoughts of him. And his gifts, the ones I had foolishly believed were held back from him through his adoptive dad - I've learned now he did recieve them but were told they were from his adoptive mom or adoptive aunt and uncle.

These monsters took his gifts from us and used them as their own!

How could they? How could anyone do that to a child?

I just don't understand. I want to reach into him and grab all his pain and take it away. Remove it permanently from his life. But I can't. I can't do anything because adoption still rules our lives. Still shapes us into who we are today.

And it has never been a good thing. Never been that "great miracle" so many want to portray it as.

It's hell.

And it's a hell my son lives with while so many others want to believe his experience is nothing more than a rare, bad occurence that wouldn't happen to them, to their children.

But who knows. Who has a clue which child is next. Who can say one person from the next won't be the adoptive parent to treat their child in the same way my son was treated.

My son couldn't be saved. Many other adoptees before and with him couldn't be saved. When are we finally going to stand up and stop this disgusting practice so the next child around the corner won't face this hell.

When will we finally say one child abused is too many and end the practices that take children away from their mothers and place them in a hell they never asked for?


  1. ???? This is soooo not the place to go on about your own problems with another person when you can see by her post she has had a bad day! C'mon!

    Cassi... thinking of you and your son, this post was heartbreaking. What happened to your boy is pure evil dressed up to look innocent; adoption at its most typical. I am also sorry you have to put up with comments like the one above.
    Myst xx

  2. YOU GO GIRL! You scream and rail and get as much of that RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION OUT!!!

    The people who got custody of your son - through a legally allowable and ENCOURAGED process we call adoption - treated him not "as their own" but as a kidnapped prisoner. Kidnappers lie to their victims and tell them their parents don't want them and keep them from seeing their faces on milk carton. That, in essence, is how your son was treated.

    I HATE, too, Casi! I hate that adoption is about buying and owning! I hate reading every day the blogs of those who are "struggling" and bitching, moaning and complaining about how long their adoption"journey" is taking -- as if the world OWES them a child!

    I hate that President Bush just signed a bill to ENCOURAGE MORE adoptions with more tax benefits and incentives!! With not one red cent to encourage mothers to keep their babies!

    I really, really hate those who fight to keep a child knowing the mother is fighting to rescind her surrender! How could anyone do that? What do thy tell their friends and family? And what will they ell the child they fought so tenaciously to tear from a loving. caring mother who wanted her child so badly she went into hock to fight them in court...and still they held on??

    How does that fit anyone's definition of adoption as finding homes for "unwanted" children???

    Your HATE and ANGER are WARRANTED and don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise!

    And the only thing I have ever found that "works" a bit for me- is to focus that anger and righteous indignation and us every waking moment and every breath of my life to fight the monstrous industry that separates mothers and babies for profit and greed, and to see that no other mother and child suffer...

    Anyone who works with animals knows not to mess with a mother's babes...because there is no greater wrath!

    You and I and all of us deserve very bit of our anger and no on has any right o curtail it or criticize it anymore than thy had a right to take our children from us to begin wit - or to pressure us to "give" them away.

    WE are here and we are PISSED! Get used to it and learn to fear us...then maybe you'll all think long and hard before taking someone's kid!!

    Mirah Riben

  3. Myst - the comment before yours was deleted. The first time since starting my blog that I have ever used that right and hopefully it will be the last.

  4. Mirah - I will never understand how our legislators find it okay to put more money into encouraging the separation of mother and children than they do in trying to help keep them together.
    I will never understand how anybody can ever think it's right to offer such a large amount of financial help to someone adopting a child while restricting these same funds from a mother who is struggling to raise her child.
    Things must change! We need to stop lining the wallets of those who walk around with the belief they deserve another woman's child and instead offer our help to those who so desperately want to keep their children but feel pressured by finances, lack of support and society views. That is where the REAL need lies.

  5. I think it's sad and upsetting whenever ANY child is abused and hurt. But the fact is, it happens to children whether they are adopted or not. It's a harsh life when there are predators out there after our children. Even if we had raised them ourselves, it could have happened. Please, don't just blame adoption for it.

    Children are not safe these days and I fear for my great-grandchildren. Here in Las Vegas children are snatched off the streets at an alarming rate. We are the melting pot for pedophiles. When school lets out the streets are swarming with mothers picking up their children even if it's only a couple of blocks away. It's frightening. As much as I love my great-grandchildren I'm happy to see that one family has moved away and the last one leaving in the spring. I will miss them but I pray they will be safer. But there is no guarantee for that.

    Not only adopted children are at risk and unsafe. Children everywhere are. Blaming any one group is senseless.

  6. Teri - You are 100% right about the fact that the terrible truth of child abuse exists in far too many areas of our life and it is ALWAYS wrong! Every child deserves to be loved and raised in a kind understanding environment.
    And I do understand and am happy for those who have had a good adoption experience. I would never wish this kind of pain and grief on anyone and am thankful for those who do not suffer through it.
    But, I also will not let anyone deny that my son's abuse came BECAUSE OF ADOPTION. The industry knew exactly what they were doing when they brought me in, sat me down, and told me what a terrible parent I would be because I was young, unmarried and still dependent on my parents. They knew the tricks and used them for only one reason - so my son could feed the demand of hopeful couples wanting to adopt an infant.
    Nowhere in the process was the best interest of my son taken into consideration. His adoptive parents were considered the better parents only because they passed a home study and wrote a big check. After that the industry was done with him and didn't give a damn whether he truly received a kind and loving home or not.
    It is wrong to separate a mother and child because of lack of mental or financial support, because of age or marital status. And it is wrong to assume just because someone has a bigger checking account, is married and can provide the material things that they are more fit to be parents.
    There was no reason to separate my son and I. NONE! And as long as we continue to follow this process and separate infants from their mothers for unnecessary reasons we will continue to place innocent babies into situations where they must forever live with the consequences.
    My son lived through hell because of adoption. For me, for him, and for many other adoptees who were abused, that is a fact that cannot and should not be denied.

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  8. I'm so sorry for what your son went through with his adopters. It should be against the law to take a baby from a young girl just because of her age. It happened to me 53 years ago; I knew nothing of life at 16 and I had a large family who could have helped. But adoption is sold as 'the loving option' and too many people believe it's true. Adoption is NEVER the loving option.

    To the person who thinks that adoption shouldn't be blamed for child abuse, that it happens regardless of that situation.... NO! By stopping adoption of newborn infants from healthy competent mothers, at least that area of child abuse would be stopped. Separating a young girl from her child is child abuse in itself.

    My life was changed by adoption. My family was never 'my family' again. They let me down and all these years later, I have been unable to forgive them for what they did to me. I have to stay away from adoption sites because my blood boils just thinking of losing my son for no good reason.... except that I was sixteen!

    Sorry it's still happening all these years later.

  9. Cassie, I wrote you an Email-did you get it? The first time I sent it, I got a postmaster delivery error-please let me know-thanks