Sunday, October 26, 2008

Another Great Voice

I hope everyone will venture over and visit Surviving Adoption Loss.

The writer of this blog is not only amazing in the use of her words, her ability to draw a reader in and make them a part of the emotions that center her posts. She is also an amazingly caring woman, who offers the same insight and kindness to those who struggle with the grief and loss of adoption.

It has been almost six months now since I first learned of my son's abuse. Six months in which I would have not made it through the hardest times if it wasn't for her support, her understanding.

She never judged, never gave me the old lines of being "grateful" or "thankful" or "getting over" the pain eating away at my heart and soul. She has always known, in the way only a mother who has experienced loss through adoption, can know, the right words, the right support to get me through some of the hardest times I have faced in this newest avenue of my journey.

Through another forum, I was blessed with the opportunity to get to know this wonderful woman. Granted an amazing friendship with someone who reached out to me during my lowest times, offered a gentle hand to guide me when I needed it most. A comforting companion to lead me through the dark pain adoption brings about.

And on top of that, I've also found someone who has a great talent in her words. In her stories of what it is like to lose your child through adoption. Her contributions to other forums have helped so many and now, thankfully, she has taken the step to join the blogging world. So that more of us may find the wisdom in what she writes. The deep emotion in her stories of loss and grief.

My life received a great gift when I first made contact with her and now so many others will recieve this same gift as she shares her feelings and her story through her powerful words and deep portrayal of the emotions that come with those who live and lose through the world of adoption.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

What Kind Of Woman

My mom used to tell me - "Worrying about being a good mother is a sign you already are."

I've clung to this simple piece of wisdom many times over the years. Especially since my first step into parenting came with being told I wouldn't be a good mother for my oldest son. When you start your journey already judged, it proves difficult sometimes to find a belief in yourself and your capabilities.

I've thought of this wisdom, too, in the world of adoption. As an answer for the question - "What kind of woman would give up her child?"

So many different stereotypes exist when it comes to that question. So many ugly answers that do not reflect the truth of so many women who have lost their children to adoption.

I know we all have our own stories, our own experiences, and some might be drastically different than others. But as I have traveled this painful road of adoption loss, I have met so many amazing wonderful women whose stories I relate to, can feel in my heart as my own.

And the common thread drawing us all together . . .

We worried about being a good mother. Even while pregnant, before ever holding our sons or daughters in our arms, our concern was for the welfare of our children.

We weren't looking for an easy way out. Weren't trying to avoid the responsibility of parenting.

Our thoughts were never on ourselves or our lives. They centered at all times on the precious baby we carried. The life that was a part of us. Loved and cherished long before we ever held them in our arms.

And it was expectant moms just like us that the adoption industry was looking for. Because they knew what we hadn't yet realized . . .

Our worry had already made us good mothers.

And how better to suck a woman in to the dark world of adoption than by playing on this very fear. Using her love for her child to ensure another baby for that desperate, paying couple.

It is those very feelings the adoption industry hopes for. Our worries are their hopes. If they can twist and turn them enough, they just might be able to convince another frightened woman that her only chance of being a good mother is to lose her child forever.

And for so many of us . . . and so many yet to come . . . we've faced this cruel trap. Had our worries, our love for our children used against us. Disected in the worst of ways for the benefit of another.

For "women" like us, already willing to sacrifice whatever it took to make the best life for our child, we were threatened, shoved aside, told what a failure we would be, instead of someone . . . anyone . . . pointing out what we could not see through our fear and worries . . . we had already shown the signs that we were good mothers who would have done whatever it took to give our children the best life we possibly could.

A life together with our child . . . not separated from them.

But that's not what they wanted. Not what the industry was after.

What they wanted was what they got from us - a belief we were failures before we ever tried. A terrible, gut-gnawing fear that raising our children would be the worst thing for them. We were told we were selfish and uncaring to think for even a minute we might be a good mother. Told strangers, who we had never met, knew nothing about, were the ones who would give our children everything we wanted them to have.

Our love for our children was used against us - and still is to this day.

A good mother doesn't have to be rich or married or successful.

A good mother is one who cares every day, all day, about giving her best to her child. It has nothing to do with fancy houses or vacations or the latest trendy clothes. It has to do with being willing to do what it takes to make sure your child is taken care of. Being there when they need your support. Holding them when they are hurt. Letting go in the times when they want to spread their wings.

But instead of being given the chance to be a good mother for our children, it was taken from us. Our very feelings that would have carried us through, pushed us, kept us going, even on the hard days, to always be there and provide for our children, were the ones used against us instead. Used to give our child to someone else who was deemed better because of material things. Size of a bank account. A marriage certificate.

And that is, to me, the most ironic side of the question, "What kind of woman?"

We were the "kind of women" who had already shown with our love and concern for our unborn children that we would be good mothers. And yet we were told that the "kind of woman" who would be the best mom was the one who showed it with the size of her bank account, length of her marriage or status of her career.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Desperation IS NOT Choice

The fairy tale that breeds and grows between hopeful adoptive couples and adoptive parents needs to end. And it needs to end now.

The myth that slithers through the disgusting world of adoption needs to be exposed for it's lies. For the dark truth that boils underneath the "happy, happy, joy, joy" version of adoption that is tossed around so carelessly in our society.

The plain, simple, bare-fact truth is - there is not now, nor has there ever been - any such thing as "choice" for a mom about to lose her child through adoption. It doesn't exist. Never has existed. And until there are major reforms in the adoption world - it NEVER will exist.

I have read so many statements from adoptive parents who swear up down and around that the first/natural mother of their child knew exactly what she was doing. Was not pressured or coerced in any way. That her loss was based fully on choice and nothing else.

To these parents, I have to say - it is now time to pull your head out of the sand and look at the obvious truth that sits in front of you. The truth that happens day after day, year after year to expectant mothers every where.

And for those of you eagerly awaiting the "new addition" to your family. Setting up your nursery, writing the disgusting "Dear Birthmother" letters, reassuring yourself that some woman will freely surrender her child to you to raise as your own, you are just one of many who have fallen into the trap of this naive thinking. One of many who are being guided, educated, to not only look past the coercion of adoption - but to be a participant of it.

Really, I find it so hard to understand how some can believe a woman truly "chooses" to lose her child. It's the most unnatural process there is, separating a mother and her baby. And for the majority of women out there, it's desperation NOT choice that drives them to this point. A desperation that blinds them to their own ability, their own worth and makes them easy prey for the billion dollar adoption industry just waiting on the sidelines for a chance to jump.

I know there are some who have just experienced that swift kick to deny this in every way possible. Go ahead . . . knock yourself out. Yell, scream and holler your denial, in the end it still will not change the obvious.

Choice involves being informed and educated on ALL sides. Choice consists of an equal balance of knowledge between your options.

Billions of dollars falls into marketing adoption to pregnant women. Thanks to the disgusting practices of the NCFA (National Council For Adoption) our government even pays for - with our tax dollars - a program created on the sole basis of teaching those who come into contact with women in crisis pregnancies how to best "sell" the goodness of adoption.

Where is this same effort given for a pregnant woman to keep her child. Where is the billions in marketing to let her know of the programs that exist so she can continue her education, get financial help while she builds a life for her and her child, find support to assure her she can be a good parent? Where is the government paid program teaching counselors the best ways to guide a pregnant woman to the services available so she can keep and raise her child?

Making an "adoption plan" IS NOT choice when there is a lack of the same importance given to making a "parenting plan" as well. Meeting and getting to know a hopeful adoptive couple and all they have to offer IS NOT choice when there is no meetings with the different programs and charities who will help a mother keep and parent her child. No chance to sit down with them and also learn, detail by detail, all they have to offer.

It goes beyond just telling a pregnant woman such help exists. To be a "choice" she MUST have the same interaction with those who can help her keep her baby as she does with those who encourage losing her baby.

In today's world, those who are supposively helping a pregnant woman make a "choice" are either trained by those who make a profit through adoption or are in a position where their paychecks are based on a woman losing her child.

Where is there any hint of choice in that?

Where can anyone ever be assured the first/natural mother of their child was in no way coerced or manipulated?

Desperation, especially when it comes to our children, is a terrible place to be. It's a frame of mind where it's difficult to think straight. To find the answers that might be right in front of us, yet are missed because of the turmoil we suffer inside.

Women in that state of mind MUST HAVE counseling from an unbiased party. A counselor paid for or trained by the adoption industry is far from the one to help her make a choice when they walk in with a mindset already of what "choice" they want to push on her. In their eyes, her desperation is the sign they need, the motivator to encourage adoption and discourage parenting.

Nobody should ever have a right to discourage parenting to a pregnant woman. Nobody should dare to encourage her to lose her child, to separate that bond between them. And yet, it happens day after day, and is, for the most part, considered acceptable by our society - thanks to the generous marketing budget of the adoption industry feeding the greatness of adoption into every aspect of our lives.

If you really truly believe the first/natural mom of your child made a choice, ask yourself a few simple questions . . .

Was she given counseling outside the adoption industry?

Did that counseling involve addressing her desperation and the reasons behind it?

Was she offered guidance and help in locating the different programs available for helping her keep her child?

Did anyone, at any time, actually support her in finding these programs, help her understand exactly what they offered and how she could be sure she was eligible?

Was she at any time told she was brave and selfless for surrendering her child?

Was she informed that there was a high percentage of mothers who have lost their children to adoption who have never gotten over that loss and have found the pain becomes even more severe over the years?

Was she told that adoptees may feel abandoned and that some may spend their life struggling with issues brought about by adoption?

Was she told her child's right to his or her own records will be restricted?

Was she offered the same tax credits and financial incentives to keep her child as you were offered by adopting her child?

Did she believe she wouldn't be a good mom because of financial, career, educational, or relationship reasons
. . .

Can you truly answer these questions and still believe the first/natural mom lost her child by choice rather than desperation? Can you really believe if she had been offered the help she and her child deserved she would have surrendered her child?

And isn't it far past time to answer these questions and see the truth of adoption today? We need to move past the belief that it is okay to separate a mother and child when there is no real reason and move toward a belief that the most important thing we can do is support keeping mother and child together. Encourage the building of a family rather than using adoption to tear it apart.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Another Angry Day

Adoption sucks!

Yes, today is one of those days. A day when I am in that mindset of just being angry.

A day when I just really can't rein myself or my feelings in. When the ability to try and appeal with the "facts" instead of the "emotions" has disappeared from reach. Left me with the frame of mind of just being mad at everything and anything that has to do with this disgusting industry working to separate mothers and children everywhere.

I hate adoption. I hate it in every form and every way.

I hate the hopeful couples waiting for the next desperate, confused, heartbroken woman who feels she has no choice but to lose her child to them. I hate the adoptive moms who hear the pain-filled voices of the mom's who have lost and shove them aside to nothing so they can continue to believe adoption is a wonderful thing. I hate the church loyals, trying so desperately to convince themselves and the rest of the world of their "Godly" mission to rip a child from his or her mother's arms.

I hate it all today.

And this almost over-powering emotion is like a burning canon ready to explode over everyone and anyone who takes it upon themselves to preach the "greatness" of adoption. To blindly view it as such a great, remarkable act in which a poor, needy child is miracuously rescued by some perfectly wonderful couple so deserving to be parents.

The blinders that are worn tear like fierce claws through my skin. The absolute disregard for the suffering brought on by adoption is a constant fist squeezing around my heart, draining me of any and all ability to approach the topic in a fair and informative way.

I know it's a wrong approach, but on days like today, I don't know how to push myself past these feelings. When again I learn more of the truth my son faced, of the ugliness his childhood was BECAUSE of adoption, I struggle unsuccessfully to find a way to bring my voice to a use of good when I want only to use it for the anger raging inside.

How does anyone make sense or find a way to get past the ugly visions of your son being tasered by a son-of-a-*itch uncle who thought his position as a volunteer police officer gave him the right to abuse whoever in the hell he wanted.

How do you work past knowing he spent his teenage years being told over and over again that he wasn't wanted in the family. That he didn't belong, didn't deserve to be recognized as one of them.

I hate it! I hate every bit of it! And I just want to reach out and make them all pay. Hurt every last one of them in the same way they hurt my son.

I want the world of adoption to end completely so that no other child, no other soul, has to suffer in the way my son did. I couldn't protect him. Couldn't save him from the monsters who were supposed to love and support him in every way.

And I can't change it for him now. Can't do a damn thing to turn back the hands of time and take him away from that hell.

A hell he lived through without ever knowing I was on the other end thinking of him, loving him, never, ever forgetting about him.

And they made sure he didn't know. Made sure any ties to myself or the rest of his family didn't exist. Wasn't there to atleast give him some comfort that we loved him and cherished him and missed him every day of our lives.

I had one last area in his adoption I foolishly trusted. I had believed, up until today, that for the first five years of his life he recieved the Christmas and Birthday gifts we sent, the letters and pictures that kept him a part of our family.

I have spent the past year blaming his adoptive father for no longer passing on his gifts after his fifth birthday, when he and his adoptive mom divorced. Believed, in some naive part of my mind, that his adoptive mom would have of course still passed on these gifts and letters if she had just received them.

But like all else in adoption, lies became the truth of my beliefs.

Never once did the letters and pics I sent ever reach his hands. He had nothing. No words, no images from us to know of our love, of our always existent thoughts of him. And his gifts, the ones I had foolishly believed were held back from him through his adoptive dad - I've learned now he did recieve them but were told they were from his adoptive mom or adoptive aunt and uncle.

These monsters took his gifts from us and used them as their own!

How could they? How could anyone do that to a child?

I just don't understand. I want to reach into him and grab all his pain and take it away. Remove it permanently from his life. But I can't. I can't do anything because adoption still rules our lives. Still shapes us into who we are today.

And it has never been a good thing. Never been that "great miracle" so many want to portray it as.

It's hell.

And it's a hell my son lives with while so many others want to believe his experience is nothing more than a rare, bad occurence that wouldn't happen to them, to their children.

But who knows. Who has a clue which child is next. Who can say one person from the next won't be the adoptive parent to treat their child in the same way my son was treated.

My son couldn't be saved. Many other adoptees before and with him couldn't be saved. When are we finally going to stand up and stop this disgusting practice so the next child around the corner won't face this hell.

When will we finally say one child abused is too many and end the practices that take children away from their mothers and place them in a hell they never asked for?

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

No You Can't - You're Adopted

I used to have a close friendship with an adoptive mom I met through the school where both of our sons attended. "Used to" is they key word as our friendship is consistently losing the bond it once had.

Our different views of adoption is at the core of it.

When our friendship first formed I wasn't brave enough or confident enough in my own feelings to put a voice to my opinions when she would talk about how she was handling adoption with her son. I would paste on the phony smile, nod my head and try my hardest to ignore the choking sensation as I swallowed back what I wanted to say.

But my voice hasn't been so silent lately and that change isn't a step my friend has welcomed with open arms.

We do more debating than talking these days.

It's a battle I don't see a good end for, especially not with our latest disagreement.

We were discussing the process of adopting back my son - something she disagrees with even knowing the abuse he suffered with his adoptive mom. And the discussion turned to adoptees and their original birth certificates.

I shared with her how ridiculous I thought it was that even after my husband and I were again recognized as his legal parents, he still wouldn't be able to have free access to his original birth certificate. How, for my oldest son - almost twenty one years old - to have his original birth certificate, he had to sign a form which I also had to sign and then it had to be notarized, sent to the right department within our state who then, weeks later, send it out. This compared to my second son who is eighteen and can walk into our human services offices here in town, fill out a form and walk out within half an hour with his original birth certificate.

Her response . . . she didn't agree with the fact that my oldest son had any access to his original birth certificate. She didn't understand why he would need or want it. Didn't see how it was in any way denying him the same rights others in this country take for granted.

Her view - there is no reason for adoptees to have access to their original birth certificates because the altered ones are the ones that tell them all they need to know about who their parents really are. For her, it had absolutely nothing to do with rights being denied. Instead it was about the adoptee accepting who his or her parents are and leaving it at that.

And she is so wrong. So very, horribly, terribly wrong!

This isn't even an area where I will claim it's just my opinion. Because it's not. It's more than that. It's wrong outside of anyone's opinion. Wrong no matter where you sit in the adoption debate.

Wrong because it's a denial of the basic human rights that everyone deserves.

I don't understand how we sit in the year 2008 and there is still those who must fight for equal treatment. Battle to have access to the same records as so many others have. Argue with those who sit in our legislation for information that is theirs and should be as easily available to them as it is to every other citizen.

It just makes no sense to me. None at all.

And it angers me that one of the strongest supporters of denying adoptees their original birth certificates and their other records is the giant monsters of the adoption industry. The agencies fight to deny this right from the very people they claim to care the most about - the innocent children whose lives they played with so long ago and continue to play with even into their adult years.

And who do they hold up to make themselves appear the great "saviors" in all of this - the first/natural moms they never gave a crap about. Claiming they are protecting our privacy. That, even though they kicked us to the curb and didn't give a damn about us once they had our children, they are SO worried and concerned about us they couldn't possibly support adoptees rights to their records because of some false claim that we were promised anonymity.

If the story of Pinnochio were a true occurence, these people would have noses the size of Texas!

I have yet to come across a single first/natural mother who was promised this. And even if I did, even if there are those out there who believe somehow these restrictions protect their privacy - it shouldn't matter. It shouldn't mean a damn thing to the legislators who are given the responsibility of ensuring equal rights for all.

Whatever excuse they hear, whatever reason they are told, how in the world can they even think to consider that in making their decision. The simple, obvious fact of the matter is - NOBODY on this earth is so special that their feelings or arguments override the equal rights of another human being. NOBODY!!!

And yet it continues to happen over and over again. Adoptees constantly facing the denial of their rights because someone, somewhere, says it's "the right thing." And the fact myself and other first/natural moms contact these legislators, let them know that the adoption giants do not speak for us and that we want them to have the same equal rights, it never seems to make a dent in their decisions.

So then where do we go . . .

We go outside the world of adoption!

Yesterday while sitting on my front porch with a dear friend of mine, I was approached by a supporter for Dianne Primavera - currently running for re-election as a State Representative. When I didn't ask the usual questions of today's election and instead asked about her support on adoptee rights and views of infant adoption, I stumped the supporter to the point she called Dianne who in return agreed to come to my house and speak to me personally about my concerns.

I know her position in the political powerfield isn't one where she has any true say in adoptee rights. I know on the political ladder, she's barely made it past the bottom rung. But she came and she listened and she learned for over an hour. Will it make an immediate difference . . . of course not. But it was a step. One of many we need to take to make these changes.

We need to reach outside our circle, to family, friends, coworkers - anyone we come into contact with. We need to educate those who take for granted their access to their records and have no clue to those who are denied the very same rights. It is up to us, who know the truth, to become the voices for change to the many, many who don't have a glimpse into what is being denied of so many adoptees.

We need to continue to contact our legislators with every chance we get but we also need to make a committment to go even further. We need to take the vow to talk to anyone and everyone we can. Never stopping, never giving in until the voices of those who support restricting adoptee rights are barely heard underneath the uproar of the many who understand how wrong it is to deny anyone their basic human rights no matter what the circumstance.

It is where we can do a great thing and stand together from all sides of the adoption debate to make one great, amazing change. It is an area where it doesn't matter which tag is put in front of who or what you are. Because it doesn't matter, It doesn't make a difference in the fight to give back the rights adoptees deserve and are fighting so hard to get.

Talk and then talk some more. Find every opportunity you can to share the truth of adoptee rights to everyone who will listen. Don't quit. Don't give in. Because this is a fight that is all of ours and can not be set aside until every adoptee in every way has the same rights as everyone else.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Monsters In Disguise

Halloween is just around the corner - one of my favorite times of year.

Pumpkins crooked grins shining from porches. Small feet crunching dry leaves as they scamper to the doors. Ghosts and goblins eagerly calling out "Trick Or Treat" while holding out their bags for the great prize - glorious, sweet candy.

It's a great way to spend the night - standing at the door, trying to decide which neighbor child hides behind which mask. Who is that Frankenstein who remembered to say, "Thank You?" The tiny witch smiling brightly at the favorite chocolate bar she's just been given?

It's a wonderful guessing game. One that should be reserved for Halloween. But is all too often found in the world of adoption as well. Changing the wonder of it to a darker, more evil truth . . .

Behind the masks worn in the adoption world, you don't find sweet children on a night seeking treats. There aren't sweet, innocent smiles. True gratitude for candy dropped in a bag.

Instead there is deception in the worst kind of way.

Masks in adoption aren't worn to portray an evil. They are worn to hide the true evil that exists in those who work in the industry and many of the hopeful adoptive couples that lurk just behind them.

It's an ugly fact I wish every expectant women understood.

Those kind and caring people inside the adoption agency. The attorney who puts his or her arm around you and offers comfort. They are as fake as the werewolves and gremlins who show up at your door year after year.

You can't trust them. Can't believe in them or the understanding they offer because it exists for one reason and one reason only . . . in the hopes you will surrender your child for adoption.

Just as children portray a different imagine in the hopes to gain on Halloween night. Those in adoption do the same. They show you a person different than who they truly are so that they too might gain. So, just like the masked children, they will walk away with a "sweet" treat.

EVERY TIME a pregnant woman walks into an adoption agency, she finds a so-called counselor - kind and sweet. Offering comfort, a supposive deep understanding of what she is going through. They smile just right. Say the words they know will create trust. Become the person the desperate, pregnant woman is seeking in the hardest time of her life. Someone she believes who is there only for her, for her child and for what is best for the both of them.

But the fact of the matter is, the script they dish out from behind their masks is no different than what they have given to so many, many women before and so many, many to follow. The same words. The same understanding, encouragement. It's there over and over again. Rarely changing. Always pushing for what they hope will be the ultimate outcome - that piece of candy falling into their bag.

If you believe for an instant that they are truly understanding you, are responding to you in a personal way based on your concerns, your worries, you are so very wrong. Just as "Trick Or Treat" is a phrase used over and over again - so is the words they dish out to pregnant woman inside their offices, day after day, year after year.

I promise you there is no difference. No change to the rhetoric created to ensure you will see yourself as a terrible mother and see in someone else the "perfect" parents for your unborn child who deserves so much more than you can offer.

Those who profit in the adoption industry know best how to hide behind their kind and concerned masks. They know how to pretend as if they are somebody they're not. How to make you feel welcome and loved in their presence. Someone who is worthy of their attention as long as you provide them with their treat at the end.

We believe them. So many of us have. Never looking beyond the outside disguises they wear. Never doubting them because they work so hard to ensure us that they can be trusted. We walk along believing the lies they tell us, trusting the decisions they have ultimately pushed us to. Never realizing we are nothing more than another door to knock on, another person to repeat the same old words over and over again just as they did with the frightened and confused women before us and those yet to come.

And unfortunately, many hopeful adoptive couples are the same. They put on their masks, become who they believe we want them to be, in the hopes of receiving their own version of candy. We don't get to see the real them behind their masks. We see only the "perfect" couple they want us to see. The ideal husband and wife disguises who have so much love to give a child . . . our child.

The trustworthy, unbelievably caring souls who are so kind to us. So eager to wrap us in their arms, hug us tight, and tell us what wonderful, selfless souls we are while promising they will never forget us. Will always keep the promises they make. Always make sure our children know how much we loved them and how desperately we struggled to try and give them the best life possible.

But all of it. No matter where it comes from - is just empty words, created to get their prize in the end. Just as we teach our young children to say "Trick Or Treat" when they reach a door, these adoption professionals and hopeful couples, are also taught the right words to say when we reach their door.

They know the history of what works. Know the power in their words. Know exactly which mask to wear to achieve their ultimate gain.

And it's about time we finally realize that not everyone who appears before us in disguise is like the innocent children who come to our door year after year.

It's time we let those frightened and confused pregnant women of today know the truth about those who would like to trick them into believing they are somebody they're not. Show them the truth of the actions behind their words. The light of the prize they are seeking.

Until we can be sure every pregnant women understands the monsters who lurk behind the disguises, we will never change the disgusting practice of infant adoption. Until every member of society realizes they must look past the masks in adoption, it will continue on, year after year.

Always taking without change.

Friday, October 3, 2008

A Family Saved

So I've battled this one.

You know, those tiny voices in your head, arguing over what you should or shouldn't do? What's right and what's wrong?

That has been my morning. A back and forth, carrying me through the morning while trying to make my decision.

My dilemna - a recent post on a hopeful adoptive mom's blog. Do I link to it? Do I not?

Usually, I don't face this problem. But this post is a mix. One of a message I want to relay. And yet, one that is obviously an emotional time for another woman. And how far do I want to go to get my point across?

I've done the "tit for tat" argument. My anger taking the lead, screaming that hopeful adoptive parents don't show too damn much concern for the mother and children who are separated at birth so why should I, a mother who lost, care about their feelings.

I've rationalized the, you sent it out into the vast openess of cyberworld so you knew the risks. The words part of a public domain just as mine are here on this blog.

So why should I care about linking to this site? Why should I even give it a second thought, especially since the feelings shared were powerful enough to spur me into writing this post?

It was, for the most part, a one-sided argument until one little fact insisted on popping up, changing my outlook, reminding me to practice what I preach . . .

Simple human kindness.

I firmly believe - and have stated on more than one occasion - that society is losing this one important trait. We've lost it somewhere in the grind of doing better for ourselves. In the pressure to be more, do more, prove our worth to those around us.

But I cannot be one to desire this if I am not willing to offer it in return.

So, my decision has been made. I will still use what I can from this woman's post. I will still make my points, show where I am in disagreement. But I will respect that whether or not I agree with the reasons, this woman is hurting now. And I will not step far enough over that boundary to lead others to her while she is in a difficult, emotional state.

I will though, use her words (I never claimed I was a Saint) and use mine to bring my point to this post, and hopefully, bring some light to the ways some hopeful adoptive parents view the separation of a child from it's mother . . .

*Well, the adoption failed today*

Sorry but I don't see it this way. Like a wonderful woman in one of my online groups pointed out - it's not a failed adoption, it's a family preserved.

*The birthmother had me come in to watch while he was born*

First and foremost, she wasn't then (and thankfully isn't now) a birthmother. She IS the mother of HER CHILD. That's it. No need or reason to add anything else to it. Calling her a birthmother at that point is wrong and manipulative.

And, though it's wrong and coercive, woman are encouraged to invite hopeful adoptive couples into the delivery room. It's a tactic used by the adoption industry in the hopes of preventing the mom from changing her mind by getting her to bond with the hopeful adoptive couple so she will take their feelings into account. They are told that it's what is best for their baby. And it's nothing more than a plain out lie. What's best is for hopeful adoptive parents to have absolutely no contact with the mom until AFTER she has given birth, recovered and had a chance to try and raise her child on her own. Being there in the delivery room was an unfair situation to put that mom in, whether she invited you to be there or not.

*Then we had him all to ourselves all day Sunday*


Why would you do this to her and to her child? That baby needed, and deserved, to be with his mother. To be in the comfort of the one who's scent he knew, voice he recognized. Why would you think it was okay to come in and break this bonding time between mother and child, no matter what the circumstances were.

You cheated not only the mother but the baby as well.

*On Monday, the birthfather's dad offered them a large chunk of money to keep the baby and today they decided to get married and raise the baby themselves. We are sad and feeling a little betrayed*

Again, he wasn't - and isn't now - the birthfather.

The way you worded this made it sound like somehow there was a terrible scheme going on. I wonder just how big the "chunk of money" was that you were willing to pay to adopt this baby. Somehow, I'm sure though, in your mind, this was different.

A grandfather stepped in, offered the financial support this couple probably desperately needed so that the baby could stay with it's family. Be raised by his mom and dad and never have to wonder where he came from or why he was lost to adoption.

Damn! Where do you think of the child in this? Does it really have to be all about you and your feelings? This baby has parents who are getting the help they need from extended family. They have decided to get married, to become a family for their child. And yet, you are critizing them for this?

I guess, for you, it was more important you got the baby then the baby getting the life he deserved.

*I just wish that if she felt this uncertain about everything that she wouldn't have acted so sure and had us be such a big part of her life*

You are the one who willingly walked into the coercive tactics of pre-birth matching. YOU formed this relationship with the mom for one reason and one reason only - YOU WANTED HER BABY! To in anyway blame her now for this relationship is ridiculous! Don't blame this mom because you were desperate enough to do whatever it takes to get a baby to call your own.

As for her acting so sure - no mother can ever be "sure" about adoption until AFTER her baby is born. She wasn't uncertain. She, plain and simply, didn't know. Holding your baby for the first time in your arms can change everything you are feeling. To finally have a reality to the tiny life you have been caring for and loving for nine months is a huge moment for mothers, no matter what their situation is. This mom acted like billions of other moms have after giving birth. Looking into the eyes of your child for the first time can have a powerful effect on a mom and the love that swells is more powerful than any other emotion experienced.

*So, keep us in mind and tell people that we're "back in the market" for a baby who needs an awesome family*

Excuse me! I had to read this line over again just to make sure I didn't miss something.

You're "back in the market" for a baby?!?!?!

I've been in the market for a car, a house, a new pair of shoes. But I have NEVER been in the market for a living, breathing human being. Is it really your view that babies are to be bought like material items?

I just can't believe this is even something you would think to say, much less put to words on your blog!!!

What I see here is a family that was saved. A family that will grow and learn from one another. Mom and dad doing what we do, sacrificing, giving, loving their son.

I see a little boy who will never have to wonder why. He will never feel as if something is missing. Never wonder about where he came from, what his roots are.

I see a miracle here. One I wish would bless this world more than on a rare occasion.

They may not have the money or the success this hopeful adoptive mom has but they have each other. They have their son. And their son has them.

Life, here, has moved forward exactly as it is meant to be!

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Leave God Out Of It

Enough is enough.

I am so tired of how many hopeful, adoptive couples out there are throwing God's name around to justify themselves and their actions.

It's about time for that kind of bulls**t to stop.

Do these people really, truly believe the crap they are spouting in their blogs, their online groups? Are they really so blinded that they think God's goal is to separate a mother and child so they can have a baby to call their own?


How can anyone think God is up there pointing his mighty finger at us . . . this woman must suffer a lifetime of grief and loss so this other woman can be happy . . . this innocent child will forever have identity and abandonment issues so that this "great" Christian can have the son or daughter she has prayed for.

I don't believe it for a minute. God isn't up there smiling proudly down on those who proclaim his name with such great pride while hoping desperately for an expectant mom to find herself without the support she deserves so maybe - just maybe - she will decide to surrender her baby into their willing arms.

Do you really think he sees great glory in the fact that hopeful adoptive couples will hold fund-raisers to collect money for their adoption and yet NEVER even think to do a bake sale or hot dog roast or silent auction so a mother and child can stay together?

Where does that represent God's work? Where have Christians ever learned that it is better to collect for ourselves and our own selfish needs instead of reaching out and helping those in need. In what part of Sunday School or Bible Class was it taught to collect the assets needed to separate a family over keeping them together.

I must have missed that day. Becaue my recollection of the lessons I have been taught over the years differs so greatly from the "self-entitiled" views of the "God-Loving" hopeful adoptive couples who preach daily the greatness of their actions for wanting to take a baby from it's mother.

And right about now is when these wonderful "God-Loving" couples will start dishing out their half-qouted verses from the bible. You know the ones - carefully absent of the remaining verses that do not support their argument. Placed just right to further their own beliefs of how great they are for ignoring the needs of another to fulfill their own desires.

I don't buy it anymore nor will I continue to stay silent to those who hide behind God and his great name in order to carry on with their selfish natures.

If you cared at all about God's will, you would be reaching out to help more women who face crisis pregnancies. You would hold back your judgement and help them however you could because that is what God wants from all of us.

You would be eager and willing to offer the helping hand they need. Take in those that are homeless. Hold your little fund-raisers for those who are poor. Support those who need an extra shoulder to lean on.

Instead of praying to God for a mother to be desperate and frightened enough to lose her child, you would be praying day and night for him to offer her the strength to find her way and you the ability to help however you can to keep a family together.

God isn't, and never has been, about selfish needs. He is about kindness and caring. About helping those less fortunate than you and giving of yourself without judgement or hope for some reward in return.