Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Leave God Out Of It

Enough is enough.

I am so tired of how many hopeful, adoptive couples out there are throwing God's name around to justify themselves and their actions.

It's about time for that kind of bulls**t to stop.

Do these people really, truly believe the crap they are spouting in their blogs, their online groups? Are they really so blinded that they think God's goal is to separate a mother and child so they can have a baby to call their own?


How can anyone think God is up there pointing his mighty finger at us . . . this woman must suffer a lifetime of grief and loss so this other woman can be happy . . . this innocent child will forever have identity and abandonment issues so that this "great" Christian can have the son or daughter she has prayed for.

I don't believe it for a minute. God isn't up there smiling proudly down on those who proclaim his name with such great pride while hoping desperately for an expectant mom to find herself without the support she deserves so maybe - just maybe - she will decide to surrender her baby into their willing arms.

Do you really think he sees great glory in the fact that hopeful adoptive couples will hold fund-raisers to collect money for their adoption and yet NEVER even think to do a bake sale or hot dog roast or silent auction so a mother and child can stay together?

Where does that represent God's work? Where have Christians ever learned that it is better to collect for ourselves and our own selfish needs instead of reaching out and helping those in need. In what part of Sunday School or Bible Class was it taught to collect the assets needed to separate a family over keeping them together.

I must have missed that day. Becaue my recollection of the lessons I have been taught over the years differs so greatly from the "self-entitiled" views of the "God-Loving" hopeful adoptive couples who preach daily the greatness of their actions for wanting to take a baby from it's mother.

And right about now is when these wonderful "God-Loving" couples will start dishing out their half-qouted verses from the bible. You know the ones - carefully absent of the remaining verses that do not support their argument. Placed just right to further their own beliefs of how great they are for ignoring the needs of another to fulfill their own desires.

I don't buy it anymore nor will I continue to stay silent to those who hide behind God and his great name in order to carry on with their selfish natures.

If you cared at all about God's will, you would be reaching out to help more women who face crisis pregnancies. You would hold back your judgement and help them however you could because that is what God wants from all of us.

You would be eager and willing to offer the helping hand they need. Take in those that are homeless. Hold your little fund-raisers for those who are poor. Support those who need an extra shoulder to lean on.

Instead of praying to God for a mother to be desperate and frightened enough to lose her child, you would be praying day and night for him to offer her the strength to find her way and you the ability to help however you can to keep a family together.

God isn't, and never has been, about selfish needs. He is about kindness and caring. About helping those less fortunate than you and giving of yourself without judgement or hope for some reward in return.


  1. I am a Christian *and* a birthmom/1st mom--whatever-and although I can understand your anger concerning this issue, I disagree with you on a few points.
    I do agree with the fact that we should do what we can to help others. And yes, it's so crucial to give back to society when you are able to. I try to support our local pregnancy care center when I can but even with those facilities available to help un-wed mothers, they still aren't enough for all the mothers to able to keep & care for their children. Some mothers just don't have any other option. And not every mother that gives a child up for adoption does so because she is forced into it. There are always going to be children put up for adoption. And there will always be couples that can't have children who adopt these children and who prayed for these children to be brought into their lives. I wish, like you do, that we never had to relinquish our children. I wish too that no other mother would have to feel the lifelong pain and sorrow, regret, etc. that goes along with relinquishment.
    And no, I don't believe that God wants children to be separated from their parents or that He smiles down upon it. But, He gives us free will and as humans, we do things that aren't in His will (like having babies when we're not married).
    I'm not trying to get you upset, I just didn't think it was fair to lump every adoptive couple, especially Christians, into one big, bad category. And I'm not saying that Christians are perfect either.
    As far as fundraisers go, I have only heard of ones for oversees adoptions b/c those can be so pricy. And So many times those children are in orphanages or their parents have died of aids, etc. I'm sure that there are some [fundraisers] for local adoptions but again, I suppose they are very expensive (I don't know--I was on the other side). AND again I agree with everyone needing to do their part but I don't think it's fair to expect couples not to adopt.

    I hope you don't mind me writing, I just had to share my thoughts.

  2. Leaning on Him - I fully support your response and beliefs and I am in no way upset or angered by anything you had to say.

    I just want to clarify so you and others who read this understand - I wasn't referring to all adoptive couples or every Christian adoptive couple. I was referring to those who constantly use his name to justify their actions. Those who claim it is his will while they are eagerly hoping a mom in poverty or without some kind of support will surrender her baby to them. Those who believe in taking before giving and then hold themselves up to high standards with God's name rather than their actions.
    When they claim they have heard God's calling to adopt and then they overlook the many, many children in foster care who are in desperate need of a family and instead seek an infant (which there is over 50 couples waiting for one baby) I don't believe they deserve any praises of goodness or kindness. And I sure don't believe they have any right to toss God's name around so carelessly when they have done nothing to help an expectant mom in need or one of the many children who are in true need of someone to love them.
    Infant adoption, in my opionion, is one of the least Christian acts there is in today's world. And I'm tired of listening to those who, with great pride, will drop God's name in this form of adoption and expect the rest of us to tell them what great Christians they are.
    Just my two cents worth. Varying opinions are a fact of life but I just wanted to clarify that I wasn't trying to lump all adoptive parents together.

  3. It is refreshing to see another person who sees this the way I do! I am also baffled by those who use God's name to justify things like adoption, but I have learned these people are not truly Christian but what I call Churchian - those who are full on in the institution of church and all it stands for. Sadly, these days, God and church don't always have a lot in common.

    To the first person who left a comment, having a baby out of wedlock is not a crime in God's eyes. It isn't ideal but he wouldn't judge this way and force two people to suffer the rest of their lives just so others can have what they desire. God just isn't like that. Mankind is and its their free will to do what they please that manipulates God's words to justify their actions.

  4. Wow... how is it that you were able to tear a page out of my journal? :-) You said exactly what I have been thinking recently.
    I agree with everything you say in your post 110%! Thank you for saying this...

    I don't buy it anymore either! And I will shout it out to EVERYONE I know, Christian or not, Adoption is NOT God's plan for people. God puts the RIGHT babies in the right tummies, as well he doesn't allow people to have babies for some reasons as well. I think some folks are trying to play God with adoption.

    Adoption is NOT a christian issue, and I'm sick and tired of Christians bending the bible to suit their baby lust.

    I like what you have to say, please keep saying it. The world MUST know what we the adopted, and what we the first moms have endured, enough is enough.

  5. This is Lula - had to choose the Anon option. Great post, Cassi!

    I find it telling that so many Christians in the adoption world automatically assume that adoption's all about re-homing babies "conceived in sin" (i.e. out of wedlock), instead of poverty or intergenerational family/community disruption or the million other reasons why people feel unable to take on parenting responsibility when a child is born. Children today are way too often adopted out because their parents had sex while they were poor!

    Christ calls His people to work for social justice. There's lots of injustice going on in today adoption industries, as well as shaping the life circumstances of individuals who will find themselves pregnant at a time of crisis. I would like more Christians working to remedy the root causes of relinquishment, rather than seeking to benefit from another family's loss.

  6. This has been enlightening for me as a soon-to-be adoptive mom. We are adopting internationally a child between 4 and 7. We have 3 bio kids. What do you suggest we tell our child that will be adopted about God's plan for her life? More than likely she'll be abandoned. I believe that God doesn't make mistakes, so how would you recommend explaining to her that she couldn't stay with her birthmom? We don't want to be the "savior" of the situation, but she will surely be the answer to the emptiness in our home and hearts. Good topic.

  7. I'm just wondering if you have walked the last twenty years in your childs shoes? As an Adoptee, i have 36 years of experience from the other side of the fence. I am very greatful that my teenage birthmom has the wisdom to recognize that she was not prepared to be an everyday Mom yet and had the love and courage to make that heatbreaking decision to allow complete strangers raise her child. I imagine that it must have taken a lot of faith to follow through with that choice. I have grown up with two very loving parents. They have been married for over 50 years and have modeled to me what true family commitment is. My brother (who is also adopted) and I have had every opportunity to be well educated, travel, recieve music lessons, play sports, etc., etc., etc. We have received lavish amounts of encouragement, affection and praise. We are both very well bonded to our adopted parents. Yes, we have suffered loss too. The loss of our birthparents. But one has to understand that in life, you will suffer losses. It may be the loss of a spouse, friend, home, child, job, etc. Any of these losses can be devistating. These losses need to be recognized and grieved. Perhaps they need to be grieved, over and over and over. That's ok. To label the adopted parent as selfish however, indicates that you have not "walked in their shoes", and perhaps you should reconsider judging them. My adopted parents have been anything but selfish. They have been generous, kind, longsuffering, thoughful, etc., etc. They too have suffered loss and grief. They have lost their ability to have biological children. The fact that you have found a few isolated stories that focus on abuse in an adopted family environment in no way characterizes the average adopted families relationship. I am quite confident that the vast majority of abuseive relationships occur within birthfamily circumstances. In fact, that is how many children end up in the foster system, by a product of neglegt or abuse.

    My husband and I are currently in the application process for an international adoption. We could persue invitro, surrogacy or other options in creating a family, but we recognize that there are children who need parents. We recognize that these children are going to be predisposed to loss issues, abandonment issues, grief and anger, yet we feel quite confident, through faith and prayer, that this is the road God wants us to travel. I would hardly catagorize it as a selfish one. It involves huge amounts of time preparing documents, having your life be scrutinized and put under a microscope by people you don't even know, more money than many people make in a years time and the commitment that we are going to invest the time and effort in bringing this child up to speed in areas where they may not have had the necessary stimulation to develop, grieving with the child when they suffer/revisit pain and loss, meeting the tangible needs of the child such as food, clothing and shelter. To me, that does not sound like selfishness. The Bible talks at great length about the idea of adoption and how as children of God we have been adopted into His kingdom. Where else would the word adoption get it's meaning and positive biblical connotation if it were not a concept supported by The Almighty. Surely His kingdom will not be one of loss and grief, as it says Revelation 21:4
    And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain...

    In a short time, I will go from having experienced one part of the adoption triad to experiencing being two of the three parts of the adoption triad. While i strongly believe that the birthmothers feelings, losses and grief are often swept under the rug in the adoption process, I also feel you have a responsibility to consider the adoption from the other two points of view. Maybe, just maybe, your child lies in bed at night, greatful for your sacrificing love and courageous decision some twenty years ago.