Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Voices To Be Heard

During my internet “stroll” this morning I visited AdoptedJane to see what new and interesting things she had posted since my last visit. A couple posts down and I found myself reading and shaking my head in disgust.

NEVER will I understand this. I don’t believe there is ever justification for attacking an adoptee for expressing their feelings or sharing their experience. And the saddest part of this is, it comes at them from both sides, adoptive moms and first/natural moms alike. The very people who should understand above anyone else the unrestricted rights they have to stand up and speak out!

Why do us “moms” feel as if we have the right to do this? Is it because they say things we don’t want to hear? Well, that’s life, right? We are all grown up and mature enough to realize there will always be those who say things we don’t want to hear.

What’s that term . . . C’est La Vie.

Many of us “moms” are out there ourselves, blogging and posting things some don’t want to hear. It certainly shouldn’t surprise us when we come across an adoptee’s voice that is doing the same. EXCEPT, we ALL have a responsibility toward them to listen and actually hear what they have to say. Even if we don’t like it. Too bad! They are the ones caught between us, placed where they are by circumstances they had no control over. To be hurtful and cruel in any way to them is plain and simply wrong!

Is there any other person in this world who is told they are wrong or suppressing feelings if they say they had good parents and a happy upbringing and are content with their life? We don’t question them. We take their words on fact. But let an adoptee say those words and – sorry, but it’s true – there are some first/natural moms who will take it upon themselves to tell them they don’t know what they are talking about, are only fooling themselves and hiding from their true problems.

And on the opposite side of that, we hear about others who had an unhappy childhood or are perhaps confused or unsettled with decisions that were made for them when they were young, decisions they say made a huge impact on the rest of their life. We offer them comfort when we hear these tales. A kind word or supportive shoulder. So why, if an adoptee utters the same words, the same thoughts, some feel the need – and yes now it’s the adoptive moms turn – to tell them they are being ungrateful or causing trouble. Some will even go so far as to accuse them of lying.

It’s no wonder some of them feel trapped between a rock and hard place. They already have so many other liberties denied them. Do they deserve another to be added to the pile?

Of course, I can hear it now, those that want to accuse me of believing we should go backwards and not even discuss adoption with them. But that isn’t what I believe . . . far from it. I think sheltering them and treating them as a fragile china doll that might break into pieces is just as much of an insult.

But there is a line between sharing our experiences, our truths and attacking an adoptee when they don’t agree or have a different opinion. I fully believe we should be open and honest about what has happened and what our feelings are. There are already way too many lies weighing down adoption. But honesty also comes with respect.

It rips at my heart whenever I hear an adoptee refer to his or her first/natural mother with words of hate or resentment. But even more than that, it places a deep fear inside me. A fear that my own son may now or someday feel that way about me. That fear though, does not give me the right to allow it to dictate my responses to the adoptee who has expressed these feelings.

In this area I believe the “moms” from both sides can stand together and do what is right. We are all grown up enough to recognize the difference between sharing our opinions and experiences compared to responding in a hurtful or angry manner because we ourselves may be hurting or angry.

If nothing else this is the one thing we can do for any adoptee who is standing up and speaking out. We need to recognize them as the adults they are and give them the respect and understanding to hear their every word no matter how it may or may not make us feel deep inside.


  1. Hi Hun,
    Can you remove the link. I took down Everything to do with that situation, I warned them I would report them to blogger if they didn't Cease their Bullshit. But I felt in order to completely get away from it, I also needed to remove all reference to any part of what was going on.
    Shoot Me a email via my little Post box on my blog and I will elaborate :)
    MWAH (hugs)

  2. Done. I am so sorry you had to put up with that kind of cruelness. (((Hugs)))
    Will send you an email through your site.


  3. I worry a little bit if someday my birthchild will not like me. But then I think, my birthchild has a right to hate me if my birthchild want too. I won't stop anyone from feeling what they want to feel. Actually I think I might be a little glad if my birthchild is mad about being adopted. I am a little mad about it myself.